Fantasy Suite – FAIL

*Disclaimer* – this is a kind-of recap/commentary of last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, which I clearly said 6 weeks ago that I would not watch &/or write about again.  I lied.  As is typical with The Bachelor franchise, I just can’t quit it.

So….
No Fantasy Suite?
Seriously?
From the very first Bachelor episode ever, one of the most twisted and sickening and fabulous trademarks was the Fantasy Suite.
And then along comes the fair Emily with all her “I’m a MOM and have to be respectable” crap and denies us entrance into the mystery and intrigue and sleaziness and disgust that we’ve all become accustomed to with the 2nd to last episode.  And sorry sweetheart, but you lost all your respect when you signed your soul away to the Devil Mike Fleiss.

{and just in case I didn’t make it clear HERE, there has never been a more fantastically awesome show on television.  Ever.}

But back to the Fantasy Suite…or lack of a Fantasy Suite…

Before the show started I shared with Husband and Thing 1 my idea of the perfect Fantasy Suite for these 3-

Picture this….

Each Bachelor walks with the fair Emily, her artificial teeth and boobs and hair color a’glowin in the tropical moonlit night, back to the suite where his 7 week long pent up desire can finally escape, only to open the giant (and beautifully carved) wooden door to discover……Little Ricki (dun dun dunnnn)- lying splayed caty-corner across the king-sized bed (totally messing up all the carefully strewn rose petals) with a temperature of 102° and vomitting onto the pillows.

There’s your ‘Fantasy Suite’ for the next 8 years, sucker.

I thought it was a brilliant way to weed out the true father-figures.

And Sean was great (the letter to Little Ricki was a brilliant move)…until he uttered these words upon entering the Blue Ball Suite
“….I’m really excited about tonight…It’s just gonna be me-n-her….no distractions….and that’s how it’s gonna be for the rest of our lives.”

Oh, Sean….poor, single, never been a dad Sean.  You lose.
And I liked his abs him.  A lot.  He, to me, was the most perfect fit for her and L.R.

And then there’s Jef.
In his adorable short-sleeved white shirts.

Or, as we like to refer to him in our family – “Elder One-f”

If he hadn’t won Husband, Thing 1 and me over already, he sure as hell heck did tonight with his sweet and thoughtful questions for Emily (refreshing) and his respectful decline (sort-of) of the Fantasy Suite invitation.
But as much as we adore him and want to put him in a cage and feed him sunflower seeds, I kind of hope he dodges the Emily bullet.  She can kind of be a bitch sometimes.  There.  I said it.  I like her (mostly), and it might be the Chardonnay talking here, but she’s showing her true colors more and more every week and I kind of think she’s a high-maintenance fame whore.  But she sure is pretty.  Damn it.

Moving on….

Arie.
Oh, Arie.
You of the mashing and groping and mashing and hair-grabbing and lip-licking and perfectly mussed up hair Arie.
You are totally wrong for her.  And if you are in fact who she ends up with (more on that later) I bet $20 (my max Bachelor wager) that you have already realized you are a play-ah and not cut out to be an instant father “good friend” (his words) and were probably watching tonight’s episode in a bar with some well-endowed indy car groupies.
Good thing she followed her ‘heart’ (seriously….just where is her ‘heart’ located??)

And then when the fair Emily had to walk Sean out…and you’d think take a few minutes to console him and tell him how much their time together over the past 7 weeks has meant, she sits and says…nothing.
  C-r-i-c-k-e-t-s.
And then finally….
E: “What are you thinking?”
S: “I’m thinking you are a bitch….and that’s the ugliest eff’n skirt I’ve ever seen.”

Nah…he didn’t say that…he’s too nice.
He left with respect and without tears (“NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY”) and I’m sure we’ll see him again either in a couple of weeks when she pulls a Mesnick and realizes that she let the best man go….or next summer on Bachelor Pad.

Never would’ve happened if she’d just given him a chance to show his stuff in the Fantasy Suite.

I mean…there’s gotta be some moves behind those abs, right??

{And if you choose to comment….NO SPOILERS!! I will go all West Virginia Hood-Rat on you if you do.}



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  • Andrea McCave - Oh my…you are too funny. This is the best recap I have ever read! Chris is already on The Bachelor Pad…did you see that commercial? I didn’t like him too much…he was a weird one for me. Please keep up the recaps…they are hilarious! xxReplyCancel

  • amanda kate - I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I found you from a comment on another blog. Can’t remember which one for the life of me. Anyways, I also wrote about the bachelorette today. We had slightly different opinions on Sean and Jef, but totally agree about Arie. Loved your recap!ReplyCancel

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