This. Means. War.

I’ve always thought of myself as a nice person.
As a general rule, I don’t wish ill-will on others, I smile and speak kindly to receptionists and airport security and the mentally challenged adults who bag my groceries, and I even give telemarketers a minute or two to start their spiel before hanging up on them (I like them to feel success).

Until yesterday.

I have a nemesis.
An arch-rival.
A furry foe.

Mother. Fucker.
We live in a wooded neighborhood that as the years go on is in serious jeopardy of being overtaken by squirrels.  I’m not kidding. I’d say there’s about 100 or so houses in the ‘hood, and well over 100,000 squirrels. The owl:squirrel ratio must be completely out of proportion, because it seems the only way these little suckers (not the word I wanted to use) are dying is by automobile (paints a pretty roadkill picture of our neighborhood, doesn’t it?).  I used to avoid them when they’d dash across the road. Now I hunt them down.
And before you get your rodent-lovin’ panties in a bunch and call PETA, let me present Exhibit A:
Tuesday I finally ripped out all the dying annuals from my deck pots and the pots by my front door and replaced them with lovely fall mums and pumpkins.  It looked fresh and fall-ish and made me happy.  The end.
Wednesday afternoon when I drove into my driveway I saw (as usual) about 10 squirrels in the yard but (not as usual) about 3 of them make a mad dash off the front porch.  Futhermuckers have finally figured out a way to pick the lock and break in, I naturally assumed.
Nope.  Just having a little snack.
Let me give you a better look.
After yelling a few very un-cute and furry kind of words, I ran to check out the deck.
G*%-D&^%$@* M%$&#@ F&%#@*& (100 bonus points if you heard that).
This. Means. War.
Damn straight I do.
Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

It’s not enough that we can’t sit out on our deck in the fall without fear of getting pelted by the 100’s of falling acorns that the hungry squirrels are foraging for high up in the giant oak trees that surround our house (I have been known to wear a bicycle helmet while sitting on my deck – no lie) but now they have destroyed – in one day – $18 worth of pumpkins…and my happiness.  Not to mention the rabies and plague infested mess of seeds and guts I now have to clean up.

I fear I might be outnumbered. 
I won’t rest, though, until I’ve foiled them.  
Until then, I’m off to find a slingshot…or a large raptor.

8 Comments

  1. Mrs. Newlywed Giggles on September 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I live in area where are they fifty billin squirrels too. I have a tally for myself
    Mrs.Newlywed Giggles = 5; Squireels = 0
    Yep, I have killed five squirrels with my car. Just give me a call and I’ll drive over. I”m pretty sure I will at least kill some of them for you. LOL

  2. Carolyn on September 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    BAHAHAHAHAHA! This post is hilarious. I feel for you and your half eaten pumpkins, but it’s still pretty funny. Wanna borrow Cooper and Grace? They LOVE chasing squirrels. 🙂

  3. Anonymous on September 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I cannot stop laughing! My neighbor shoots them from his kitchen window…it’s creepy, but effective…almost feel sorry for the little guys.

  4. Dawn on September 27, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    hahahha…sorry, this is so not funny, {but, it is a little bit!} My dad sits on our deck and shoots them with a BB gun. It doesn’t even kill them, but scares them out of the yard.

  5. Kimmyyy83 on September 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    LMAO!!!!! Your hatred for squirrels equals mine of birds. DANG they TORE UP that pumpkin. I say you have a slingshot party, invite others, and go to town!

  6. Anonymous on September 28, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Buy an air soft rifle at Dicks and let Brian go to town. We have a squirrel graveyard (except we don’t bother to bury them – they are flung in with a shovel) in the woods behind our house. I bought my son one the day after a damn acorn dropped into my gin and tonic on the deck. War was declared then at our house. Don’t mess with my drink!! Peggy

    • Michelle on September 28, 2012 at 1:21 pm

      hahaha Peggy – The air soft rifle has been discussed in the past, but now I definitely think it will be purchased this weekend! So maybe they’re all running scared from your house straight into my backyard! 😉

  7. Tracy on December 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Oh, my GOD!!! Are you my neighbor? I am having the same battle!!!! http://www.momaical.com/2012/10/the-running-of-squirrels.html

    I’m so glad Ms. Snarkfest sent me to your page!

    Tracy @ Momaical

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