Tonight my 17 year old daughter goes back to school.
Oh, she’s been back at her other school since last Wednesday – the one that teaches worthless things she’ll never need like chemistry and geometry. That’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the school of heartbreak and hysteria and hot tubs and fantasy dates and how-to-drink-for-seven-hours straight-and-still-keep-your-lip-gloss-on.
You know, the important stuff.
I’m talking about the school of The Bachelor.
It’s no secret that I love The Bachelor, and have since season one way back in 2002.
In fact, I wrote my very second post on this blog all about it.
And that’s a lot of education I’ve gleaned in the past 11 years.
Tonight Sean-the-Abtastic gets a go at the hos.
He’s boring as all hell, but even I’ll admit to being a bit blinded by the abs last year when he was vying for the tragically beautiful Emily, so he quickly became fantastically hilarious and infinitely more interesting. Duh.
Lesson #1 – A good body (especially chest/abs) isn’t always a direct correlation to heightened intelligence and personality.
But who the hell cares?
Lesson #2 – Crying is a fabulous attention getting strategy. Always.
Lesson #3 – Drinking heavily makes you way more attractive and intelligent, especially if the guy has also been drinking heavily. Plus, it makes it easier to cry (see lesson #2).
Lesson #4 – The more troubling memories from childhood you can disclose on the first few dates, the better (see also, crying).
Lesson #5 – If you happen to have an ex-husband or a small child, do not share this info with your guy until at least the fourth date, and then make sure to do so while (you guessed it), crying.
Lesson #6 – There is a direct correlation between skanky clothing and slutty behavior and what types of dates you will get asked out on (i.e., The shorter the shorts and smaller the bikini, the more likely you are of getting to fly to another city in a helicopter for dinner).
Lesson #7 – Letting your freak flag fly on your very first date (e.g., reciting a self-authored poem, joke, song or dance routine) always, always makes you more attractive and desirable.
Lesson #8 – Accessorize heavily, especially with swimwear.
Lesson #9 – If your man has just had sex with two other women the two nights prior to having sex with you – no worries! Accept his offer, and the communicable diseases, graciously.
Lesson #10 – The best way to get along with a whole bunch of girls who also happen to be dating your boyfriend is by being as bitchy as possible.
Lesson #11 – Doing cute things like making scrapbooks of your first two dates or writing a song about all the things you love about a guy you just met is a fun way to let him know you really like him and will make him want to stick around forever.
Lesson #12 – The best way to get along with all the other girls who are dating your boyfriend is to spread rumors about them. Also, cooking them high caloric foods and spiking their drinks is a fun way to make their tiny Barbie shorts not fit…which means you get more helicopter rides.
Lesson #13 – When bungee jumping, rappelling off a cliff or sky diving, make sure your helmet doesn’t mess up your hair.
Lesson #14 – When your man is also dating several of your friends, pick one to throw under the bus as often as you can.
Lesson #15 – If you can’t be the favorite, be the crazy.
Lesson #16 – When your guy comes home to meet the family for the first time, make sure to remind your mom to drink copious amounts of wine and flirt heavily, and your dad to initially appear stern and scary, but ultimately give your shotgun relationship his blessing. And if possible, have them wear funny hats.
Lesson #17 – Swimming pools aren’t really for swimming (see Lesson #8), but hot tubs are always for having sex.
Lesson #18 – The more drama you can create – in any situation – the better.
Lesson #19 – STDs are not as scary or dangerous as your middle school teachers told you they were.
Lesson #20 – Love, trust and companionship are way overrated when it comes to finding your future husband.
Winning is all that really matters.
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