We just got back from a week at a really nice resort in Scottsdale, Arizona where we’ve been going for the past 15 years.
And for about 12 hours of the entire week when I wasn’t coughing up mucus or feeling like I was gonna puke, I was hanging out by the pool or in the gigantic jacuzzi.
And for about 10 of those 12 hours, I was absolutely appalled at the behavior of most of the heathen children whose ass clown parents allowed them to run amuck — unleashed — and pretty much act like jungle animals with no regard for anyone else.
But because I hate confrontation, and because my kids would’ve been so embarrassed when I got thrown out of the resort for throwing my drink in a dicky father’s face, I kept my mouth shut.
When I can hide behind my blog and post this letter…and keep my drink.
Dear jackhole parents of all the irritating and misbehaved kids who I wanted to slap upside the head last week,
While you dumb asses were lounging in your pool chairs or in your $250-a-day cabanas drinking your buckets of beers & $15 frozen strawberry daiquiris, your inconsiderate kids were raising all sorts of hell up in the jacuzzi. Not the pool where it’s perfectly natural for kids to raise all sorts of hell while you ignore them to drink all day in your accessorized swimsuits — the jacuzzi. While some of us with kids over the age of 12 wanted to hang out in the hot, bubbly water and talk — and god forbid, relax — your disrespectful and annoying kids were having fights with foam pool noodles and slapping the water around each other so that anyone in a three foot radius also got splashed.
While you were rubbing your SPF 2 onto your mystic tanned shoulders 50 yards out of sight and around the corner, your irritating kids were using their pool noodles to shoot water across the jacuzzi at each other and subsequently at everyone else who was there trying to unwind and get away from all the demonic children at the pool (where unsupervised children and foam noodles belong).
And even while you were sitting right there by the side of the jacuzzi that night “supervising” (i.e., texting or checking Facebook or email on your phone)and your kids climbed into the center fountain and made a game of plugging up the fountain feature and then letting it go which splashed the other two families trying to enjoy an evening together relaxing in the jacuzzi, it didn’t even register with you. And then when they decided to do cannonballs out of the center fountain and you glanced up from your phone and chuckled, did you not feel the 86 ways I imagined you and your kids being tortured in my mind? No? Check Buzzfeed in a couple of days. There’ll be a list.
Listen, your kids are just kids (however deviantly misbehaved) and might need some direction every once in awhile about how to behave in public places, not to mention nice resorts. It’s called parenting, you douchewad. Stop being such an inconsiderate ass and maybe your kids will, too. Funny how that might work. But if you’re not going to parent them, I’ve got a way. Next time I’m there trying to relax and I get squirted in the face with hot jacuzzi water I’m taking that pool noodle and playing the slapping game with them.
And I’m totally going to win.
The lady who your children ignored when she scolded them but you don’t remember because you weren’t anywhere near your children.
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