A letter to the asshat parents whose kids annoyed the crap out of me on vacation.


We just got back from a week at a really nice resort in Scottsdale, Arizona where we’ve been going for the past 15 years.

And for about 12 hours of the entire week when I wasn’t coughing up mucus or feeling like I was gonna puke, I was hanging out by the pool or in the gigantic jacuzzi.
And for about 10 of those 12 hours, I was absolutely appalled at the behavior of most of the heathen children whose ass clown parents allowed them to run amuck — unleashed — and pretty much act like jungle animals with no regard for anyone else.

But because I hate confrontation, and because my kids would’ve been so embarrassed when I got thrown out of the resort for throwing my drink in a dicky father’s face, I kept my mouth shut.

Until now.
When I can hide behind my blog and post this letter…and keep my drink.

Dear jackhole parents of all the irritating and misbehaved kids who I wanted to slap upside the head last week,

While you dumb asses were lounging in your pool chairs or in your $250-a-day cabanas drinking your buckets of beers & $15 frozen strawberry daiquiris, your inconsiderate kids were raising all sorts of hell up in the jacuzzi. Not the pool where it’s perfectly natural for kids to raise all sorts of hell while you ignore them to drink all day in your accessorized swimsuits — the jacuzziWhile some of us with kids over the age of 12 wanted to hang out in the hot, bubbly water and talk — and god forbid, relax — your disrespectful and annoying kids were having fights with foam pool noodles and slapping the water around each other so that anyone in a three foot radius also got splashed. 

While you were rubbing your SPF 2 onto your mystic tanned shoulders 50 yards out of sight and around the corner, your irritating kids were using their pool noodles to shoot water across the jacuzzi at each other and subsequently at everyone else who was there trying to unwind and get away from all the demonic children at the pool (where unsupervised children and foam noodles belong). 

And even while you were sitting right there by the side of the jacuzzi that night “supervising” (i.e., texting or checking Facebook or email on your phone)and your kids climbed into the center fountain and made a game of plugging up the fountain feature and then letting it go which splashed the other two families trying to enjoy an evening together relaxing in the jacuzzi, it didn’t even register with you. And then when they decided to do cannonballs out of the center fountain and you glanced up from your phone and chuckled, did you not feel the 86 ways I imagined you and your kids being tortured in my mind? No? Check Buzzfeed in a couple of days. There’ll be a list. 

Listen, your kids are just kids (however deviantly misbehaved) and might need some direction every once in awhile about how to behave in public places, not to mention nice resorts. It’s called parenting, you douchewad. Stop being such an inconsiderate ass and maybe your kids will, too. Funny how that might work. But if you’re not going to parent them, I’ve got a way. Next time I’m there trying to relax and I get squirted in the face with hot jacuzzi water I’m taking that pool noodle and playing the slapping game with them. 

And I’m totally going to win. 

The lady who your children ignored when she scolded them but you don’t remember because you weren’t anywhere near your children. 


Like the “Asshat Letters?” There’s more! Because as long as there’s asshat parents, I’ll keep writing letters.

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  • Kris at AintNobodysMama - Next time, discretely toss an unwrapped Baby Ruth in the jacuzzi, say, “Oops! Pardon me” and watch them scatter.ReplyCancel

  • 108802611794188664261 - Hear, hear! Stop the parental douchebaggery and laziness!ReplyCancel

  • Tracy Winslow - I would have wanted to smack the cosmopolitans out of the parent’s hands with a pool noodle. You go on vacation to relax – not take on parenting other people’s nightmares!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Exactly. And the thing is if I was in the pool getting splashed or slapped with noodles, sure I’d be annoyed but not like I was when I WAS IN THE JACUZZI. Isn’t the jacuzzi meant for relaxing? It’s not the place to play games, which is what I told them when they stared at me blankly and ignored me.ReplyCancel

  • Kristin - I would love to post that little sheet of notebook paper you have up there in my school.

    That’s all. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh, do it! Just cover the signature with your name! I used to teach 4th grade back in the dinosaur era and so I totally can appreciate that.ReplyCancel

  • Crystal - First of all…your blog is just EVERYTHING! I love it!

    Secondly, rude parents make rude kids! Ugh! How annoying!

    Love your letter…I may solicit your help the next time I have to write a letter to the greedy cable company! LOL!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - First of all – you just made my day with that comment up there! Seriously! My blog is “EVERYTHING”?? I love you so much for saying that!
      And just let me know when you need my assistance. Cable company, Verizon….I’ll do it all.

    • Crystal - 🙂 Now, I’m just waiting on the cable company to go up one more $! LOLReplyCancel

  • Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms - I love that I’m not the only one who gets worked up over this heathen type of behavior. EllenReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Judging from the number of annoying beastly children running around I have a bad feeling our numbers are dwindling.ReplyCancel

  • Jaime - I hear you.
    When we took the kids to Disney World last summer, our kids were appalled at the behavior of some of those kids running around the parks and hotel. I spent most of my time clenching my teeth and trying to remember to breathe. Our kids started referring to those heathens as “those Disney Kids”. And yes, they use air quotes.

  • Amy FunnyIsFamily - I was a lifeguard for years, so I can’t even control my instinct to yell at runners and splashers. I would have had your back.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I’d have gladly let you have at ’em…and watched happily while sipping my “lemonade”.ReplyCancel

  • Heidi Sodey - So I’m reading along with PIWTPITT . . . and I land here (which, by the way is only one cold state border south). THIS BLOG KICKS IT BIG!

    As a parent to four heathens, teens to toddler, there is no conceivable reason I would let them near the sacred jacuzzi space (or bring them to an exclusive restaurant). Awhh, hell no!! For the love of sanity – spring for the onsite daycare/nanny!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I’m thinking that needs to be my new blog tag line – “THIS BLOG KICKS IT BIG!” 🙂
      You’re getting a big hug in my mind right now. Aaaaand releasing.
      You raise a good point. There IS a kids club in that resort….ReplyCancel

  • RachRiot - Oh, I’m one of those bitchy moms who will scold other people’s children if needed. In fact, my son is regularly mortified at how often I do it. IT TAKES A VILLAGE, PEOPLE!ReplyCancel

  • eviljoyspeaks - You’re awesome – totally unacceptable – especially during the few hours you felt well enough to be out and about.

    Looking forward to tonight as long as the roads hold!!!!

    Evil JoyReplyCancel

  • Sally - Sounds miserable… those little effers were probably peeing in the jacuzzi, too…ReplyCancel

  • Alison Sommer - It was great to see you at the book signing. This post is hilarious, if this is your “less edited” work, I can’t wait to read everything you write. 🙂


  • Jen - I’m sorry for your unfortunate experience but I am thankful for all of the new horrible names for people you have now added to my vocabulary! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Crystal - Some of these comments are so freaking hilarious!!! I know if I’m ever having a bad day, I just need to come here to read and re-read some of your posts and comments! LOLReplyCancel

  • Shay Trashay - I loved it all, but my favorite part of the entire post was “ass-hat.” Love me some “ass-hat.” (I mean the word; not the actual thing. Because I’m not sure WHAT it is, so I don’t want to be saying, “Love me some ass-hat” if it means someone shits on your head or something. I just love the word. 🙂 )ReplyCancel

  • Stephanie Sprenger - I just had to let you know that Parents of Small Children, Gather Round was one of my favorite chapters in LWB. Loved it so much – so hilarious, so true. Nice job!ReplyCancel

  • Linda Roy - You nailed it! Same goes for douche canoe parents who bring their kids over for a play date and then ignore them like it’s the host’s job to parent their kids. Oh no, no, no…I think not! Hilarious post!ReplyCancel

  • Vanessa D - I always struggled to control my boys when they were little. Which is why I kept them at “kid” friendly types of places. Not “adult relaxing” types of places. I knew my limitations. I also never hesitated to remove them from a store if a melt down was pending or happening. The stuff you came for will still be there tomorrow.ReplyCancel

  • Xiomara Maldonado - Oh gosh, that sounds utterly awful. I hate going some place to relax and being unable to because other parents just won’t mind their children!ReplyCancel

  • threebythirty - you’re my hero. love these words.

    thanks for the laugh!!!ReplyCancel

  • a - I snarfed coffee all over my keyboard. This post is awesome.
    Had this same scene go down, and on top of just being little assholes, they were actually bullying the littler kids, so I decided since the parents weren’t watching their precious demon spawn…
    IDEA! Have fun with it…I told the min-asshats to go to the front desk, which is a pretty great distance from the pool…I told them the front desk was handing out free icecream and chocolate bars…They bailed, the parents FINALLY checked where their kids were, and there was peace.

  • Jessica Cobb - Found you via Honest Voices.

    I wouldn’t say my kids are heathens, but neither are they angels, so I do know appropriate places to take them, and an expensive resort is NOT the place. Neither is a jacuzzi, anywhere.

    I am also one of those moms that scolds other peoples’ kids (just last night I yelled out my car window at a little girl who was STANDING UP, STICKING HER HEAD OUT HER CAR WINDOW to sit her butt down and put her seatbelt on. Not sure what the EFF those parents were doing, but C’MON!). Kids tell me that I can’t tell them what to do ALL. THE. TIME. and I just say, Okay, I’ll just go talk to your parents then, and they usually leave my/my family’s general vicinity.ReplyCancel

  • A THIRD letter to ass-hat parents. » You're My Favorite Today - […] more! Because as long as there’s asshat parents, I’ll keep writing letters. The first letter The second letter Letter to the asshat parents of the little sh*t who coke-bombed my front porch […]ReplyCancel

  • a letter to the asshat parents who send their sick kids to school » You're My Favorite Today - […] more! Because as long as there’s asshat parents, I’ll keep writing letters. The first letter The second letter The third letter Letter to the asshat parents of the little sh*t who coke-bombed […]ReplyCancel

  • Another letter to ass-hat parents. » You're My Favorite Today - […] more! Because as long as there’s asshat parents, I’ll keep writing letters. The first letter The third letter Letter to the asshat parents of the little sh*t who coke-bombed my front porch […]ReplyCancel

  • A letter to the Asshat parents who change diapers in public » You're My Favorite Today - […] more! Because as long as there’s asshat parents, I’ll keep writing letters. The first letter The second letter The third letter Letter to the asshat parents of the little sh*t who coke-bombed […]ReplyCancel

  • Wendy Argo Hollifield - You are too fantastically awesome for words!! I love this post!! Just found you through another page and love it!!!ReplyCancel

  • Sarah Mallabar - Omg.. thank you for this. I have a seven year old who knows for the most part that there is a time and place for running and playing. But he knows the second I raise my voice or give him that look, he’s got about 2 seconds to get his Lil life together and act right. Shame on the lazy parents who are giving this generation of parenting a horrible name and image. ReplyCancel

  • Kristen Hudson - This is when you go to resort staff and inform them of asshats childrens shenanigans ReplyCancel

  • Diane E - That’s why my husband and I have started going to Adults Only resorts for our vacation without our kids. I don’t allow my kids to misbehave and act like asses in public, ESPECIALLY towards adults etc..so why should I have to deal with your shitty kids especially when I’m trying to relax!ReplyCancel

  • Sonja Carroll - Although I agree with this entire Pete, it also distresses me that you alternated being sick as hell and being at the jacuzzi. Stay away from people when you are sick. How many people got sick because you insisted on using the jacuzzi? ReplyCancel

  • Kelly Hartigan - Ha that’s great, I would have said something!ReplyCancel

  • Michelle Giannosa - I don’t normally post comments on things like this but I am appalled at your behavior. At least you have the honesty to admit that you didn’t have the guts to say something to the parents at the time of the incident. Grow up and get a pair fuck nuts.ReplyCancel

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