If you’ve watched The Bachelor/ette since the very beginning, which was either 11 or 24 years ago, I keep forgetting, you might remember that back in the day the entire season took place in California. Maybe an occasional side date to Las Vegas, but they pretty much stayed put in the STD mansion.
Then after about two years the ratings took off and suddenly they were spreading their questionable germs and body fluids all across the globe in breathtakingly beautiful settings like Bora Bora, Interlaken, Switzerland, the Virgin Islands and Thailand.
So to start week 4 off with some excitement, Harrison shows up in the most hideous plaid shirt with contrasting patterned cuffs I’ve seen since, well, since last Wednesday night
|Trust me, Chris’s was worse.
and tells the fellas that it’s time to take this journey of love and secretive progeny all around the world!
Where to this time??
Paris? The Amalfi Coast? Aruba??
Atlantic City, NJ!!
Where dried up hookers go to die.
Sounds like the perfect place for our crew.
Cue video montage of some sights of Atlantic City, which were on a short loop because they could only find like three areas that were free of drug dealers, prostitutes and garbage.
We find our Bachelorette walking the beach in black leggings, black boots and a black double breasted pea coat with brass buttons straight out of 1996 (I know — I’m pretty sure I owned it).
When I see her in my old cable knit cowl neck during her interview, it proves it.
Des has been to Minnesota at some point in the past 10 years (at least the Goodwill stores).
The fellas arrive at their tricked out penthouse, play a few slots, visit a few titty bars and then the date card arrives.
It’s for Brad.
Restraining order Brad.
Cut to shot of Brad looking at photo of Maddox (no, not that one) and Zak says, “Brad’s been the quietest guy in the house…he doesn’t reveal a lot.”
Uh, no shit, Sherlock.
HE JUST REVEALED HIS SON 48 HOURS AGO.
The guys aren’t too sure about Brad.
Think he’s too serious, what with the kid and all.
Not sure how he’ll bring out the fun side of Des.
Cut to shots of Brad and Des riding all the rides on the boardwalk that are pretty much held together with duct tape and spit since Hurricane Sandy.
I’d say he’s pretty risky.
Meanwhile, the fellas are spying on the Boardwalk from the penthouse windows.
“I spy Des and Brad on the carousel,” says a faceless voice.
“Oh, yeah. That’s definitely them on the carousel,” chime in a few others (keep in mind they are like 75 floors and half a mile away).
Not the carousel!!
Zak W.: “Things ALWAYS happen on the carousel!”
Listen, dude, we don’t need to know what kinds of traumatic events happened in your childhood, okay? This isn’t about you, but we’re sorry anyway.
While sitting on the beach in front of a ginormous sandcastle that it had to have taken the ABC interns like 14 weeks to build, and with Brad’s nose either totally sunburned from the non-existent sun or just the biggest gin-blossom ever, Des asks,
“What type of girls do you typically date? (I mean besides alcoholic psychopaths who file unjustified restraining orders, of course)?”
Brad: “Nothing specific…..girls who are really sweet, a really great person who’d be a good mom.”
Apparently, Brad has only recently developed this list of qualifications.
Des, continuing to raid the closets of the female cast of Saved By The Bell, is wearing a metallic silver jacket.
She asks Brad what his pet peeves are.
“People who can’t be serious EV-ERRR and people who name their children after celebrities. Oh wait…”
“Uhh…chatterboxes??” says Des-who-never-shuts-up, texting the ABC security guard under the table to get to the penthouse STAT and remove Brad’s duffel.
I’d describe the rest of the boring dinner, but I think this sentence should sum it up nicely,They actually ate the food on their plates.
Oh, and there was water in their wine glasses for some odd reason.
I mean, if one of them wanted to abstain from the wine I get it* — when I was pregnant I used to drink beverages out of wine glasses at restaurants just so I’d feel fancy, but at least I made it a fun
beverage like club soda with lime or ginger ale or a Shirley Temple.
Not flat water.
*Totally lying. I so don’t get it.
Des has had it with the rubber chicken and tap water and is now counting every word that comes out of her mouth so as not to appear too “chatterboxy.”
She takes Brad to the top of the lighthouse and throws him off.
No, she doesn’t, but she does decide that it would be a great place to tell him “something was missing.”
When they still have to walk back down the 457 stairs.
So he jumps.
Or walks back down by himself while she says, “I want a love that can LIGHT the DARKNESS…and I don’t think Brad and I can have that love.”
And they say this show isn’t scripted.
GROUP DATE – or Flashbacks to My 5th Grade Talent Show
The boys show up to the Boardwalk, and Des, still in my old pea-coat, teases them inside.
Harrison’s there with the reigning Miss America and tells them they’ll be competing in “THE FIRST EVER MR. AMERICA PAGEANT!” (I smell an ABC idea a’brewin’…).
He introduces them to
Just Jack a World famous pageant coach who practically jumps up and down with excitement when he sees his students and “cannot wait to get started!”
He’s already changed his pants twice and they haven’t even begun.
The boys are led to a table full of the most cliched talent paraphernalia I’ve ever seen; roller skates; rhythmic gymnastics ribbons; batons; tap shoes; harmonicas; guitars; juggling balls; and for some assine reason, high heels, which Chris immediately puts on…and then proceeds to trade digits with the pageant coach.
Des, looking like she raided Blanche from The Golden Girls‘s closet, is wearing a hideous bedazzled cardigan and decides to offer her help.
You guys, her total lack of fashion sense isn’t really funny anymore.
It’s making my migraines flare.
The circus continues, and some faceless voice says it best, “It’s a Devil’s brigade….a hodge-podge of tomfoolery.”
At least there’s some self awareness there.
After that dodgeball game last week, I wasn’t so sure.
Time for interview coaching with the reigning Miss America –
“If you could name the biggest problem in America today, what would it be?”
“If you could pass along 3 traits to your kids, what would they be?”
“If I asked you your name, what would you say?”
Finally, the pageant begins.
“In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?”
He’s a giver.
Pageant coach faints backstage.
“If you were an animal in the jungle, which would you be and why?”
“A lion. And I say this with no hesitation.”
(Well, a lion IS technically a pussy, is it not??)
Whhan Pahblo –
“Explain your ideal woman.”
“She has to first, love my daughter…” and then something else I did not hear because WHHAT THE WHHHAT?
We find out Whhan is the mystery man with the daughter and we don’t even get to see Des’s reaction??
Surely this must’ve come up before and ABC has decided it isn’t pertinent info.
You know what that (sadly) means, you guys?
Whhan Pahblo’s days are numbered.
Adios, my Spanish cowboy, Adios.
Big Mikey, apparently, is tired of being a piece of meat and blunders his way through a question about what girls should really see when they look at a guy (it’s NOT all about the package, LADIES) and Des looks confused now as to why she’s on this show.
Kasey – tap dances (or stomps around the stage in tap shoes). Nevertheless, #nailed it.
Mikey – proving to America that he’s a hypocritical sack of shit, comes out oiled, strips, flexes and does handstand push-ups. Don’t worry, Mikey, we see through to the REAL you. We really do.
Brooks – gives a Jimmy Fallon type performance with the ukelele. Just regained his spot on the leader board.
Ben – rhythmic ribbons. Lame.
Chris – prances around shirtless in the high heels twirling hula hoops on his arms. Confusing. Pageant Coach makes note to have a sit down with Chris after the show.
Bryden – pelvic thrusting to the Mayor of AC. Pageant Coach adds him to the list.
Zak W. – kills it with some nonsensical song and a few G chords on a guitar.
Exactly what you’d expect, although for some reason they give Ben the speedo and the rest of them wear Tommy Bahama board shorts.
I’d have given the speedo to Whhan.
The moment we’ve all been waiting (since it feels like 2009) for…
Mr. America is (drum roll) —
Dinner at the indoor pool –
Keepin’ it classy, ABC.
Here’s the bullets:
Chris writes poetry.
He’s a coffee shop poet.
Pulls out a journal from underwater? the pocket of his swimsuit?
Connects with also-a-poet-and-we-didn’t-know-it Des through verse.
Boys are pouty.
They want that rose.They want it RIGHT NOW.
Bryden still HATES Ben.
Can’t even looks at him.
Not very PATRIOTIC, Bryden.
Actually, all the guys still hate Ben.
THEY’RE GOING OUT OF THEIR MINDS WITH HATRED.
Just how Ben wants it.
*cut to the penthouse* James is literally eating bon-bons and drinking red wine IN A BUBBLE BATH while he ponders their upcoming one on one date.
*back to the indoor pool* Zak W. plays the rest of his stupid song for her.
Des switches between holding back her laughter and falling asleep.
Gives him the rose, not because of his heartfelt song but because his job title is “drilling fluid engineer” and she REALLY wants to find out what the hell that means.
One-on-One date – When Jan and Manny hijack The Bachelorette
Des takes James on a helicopter tour of the Jersey Shore to view the devastating destruction of Hurricane Sandy.
Way to bring it down, ABC.
The cheerful date picks up by having Des and James meet Jan and Manny, an actual couple whose house was destroyed by the hurricane and who describe the nightmare of living through it — on their like 39th anniversary — but they’re so excited to meet Des! And is that a camera? This is so exciting!
We tour their demolished home, see the devastation and can feel the horror of what they’ve lived through.
Since Des (ABC) has something nice planned for she and James that evening, she (ABC) has a better idea!
She (ABC) gives their nice date to Jan and Manny!
They’re gonna get to go play with the hookers and drug dealers in Atlantic City for the night!
Manny and Jan are verklempt, get in the limo, and Des and James hitchhike back to AC.
Manny and Jan arrive at the dinner that Des (ABC) has planned, and I swear to God Jan is wearing one of Des’s (my old) dresses from 1997.
And before I know what is happening, The Bachelorette – Geriatric Edition is on my television complete with side interviews and voiceovers and scripted dinner conversation with Jan and Manny.
WHAT HAPPENED TO DES AND JAMES??
WHERE ARE MY FELLAS?
HARRISON? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??
And it’s so bizarre and I’m feeling so terrible about myself at how irritated I am by this ridiculous interruption to my sacred Bachelorette viewing that I imediately donate $10 to the Red Cross and crochet 10 blankets to send as soon as I finish this recap.
We find Des and James (thank god), eating pizza at a hole-in-the-wall joint back in Seaside.
Des gives her “money doesn’t matter” speech.
James looks like she’s talking in Swahili and can think of nothing to say that will not make him look like a total jackass so he kisses her and decides, idiotically, that this is the perfect time to tell her that he cheated on his girlfriend.
Des is all, “No waaay!” and “Wowww!” and is racking her brain trying to remember if he was the one with the restraining order or the one with the surprise daughter.
But don’t worry, Des.
James says he won’t cheat again.
Back to Manny and Jan – are you kidding me, ABC??
ABC intern brings out a flat, white package.
Oh good god, please tell me it’s not the Fantasy Suite key.
I mean, they’re cute and all, but that I could not take.
Nope, it’s from the Red Cross (*googling to see if ABC and the Red Cross are associated*) and it’s their photoshopped and restored wedding album.
Hang on, I think I have onion in my eye. I’ll be back.
Des and James show up at Jan and Manny’s table and tell them that guess what? There’s more to the date!
Please don’t let it be a hot tub Please don’t let it be a hot tub…
No, it’s just Darius Rucker (obviously) serenading 75 year old Jan and Manny.
I’m sure he’s one of their favorites.
And then after a minute, Des and Cheater Pants join in.
Oh, and BTW – Des is wearing a black and gray sweater that I’m pretty sure I currently own and is one of my favorites, so I’ve changed my mind.
She has AWESOME fashion taste.
Cocktail Party (we’re nearing the end, you guys, I promise) –
Bryden is pouty and second guessing EVERYTHING.
He might EVEN LEAVE.
Don’t do it, Christmas!
Michael G. – Has a ‘gesture’ he wants to ‘present to Desiree’ and pulls a stack of paper and a thick black Marks-a-lot out of his pocket and proceeds to write a giant “D” for something Dumb and and “E” for something…. you get it.
You irritate me.
Chris proceeds to put his foot in his mouth twice.
Des: “I’m independent!”
Chris: “That’s cool. So you can go do your own thing, but you can hang with guys.
Uh…I mean, like friends! Hang with the guys like friends! Because, uh, we’re friends! Friend Zone, Sister! High five! Oh crap! Are we in the Friend Zone?”
Des looks confused and sticks tongue down his throat to answer his question.
Des is thankful.
Says some crap about her ‘journey’.
Chris – Rose!
Brooks – Rose!
Whhhan Pahhblo – Rose! You can give it to you daughter when you probably see her after next week!
Drew (who I swear I’ve never seen before but is totally cute in a 1960’s kind of way) – Rose!
Michael – Rose!
Some guy with douchey hair who I do not know is looking panicked.
Ben – Rose!
Pissed off looks all around.
Kasey – #Rose!
Bryden – –
Des has a look like, WTF soldier boy?
Bryden – Okay, Rose. I guess.
Hey Look! It’s Mikey!
The guy with the douchey hair, who is apparently named Zack (who knew?) goes home.
Bryden’s looking dour and pissy and you know what, BRYDEN? Stop taking this so damn seriously.
What do you think this is? Real life?
LEADERBOARD AFTER EPISODE 4 –
Brooks (Pussy-boy regains his spot because he’s the only one with any discernible sense of humor)
Drew (only because he’s a cutie pie and really, because there’s no one else)
Next week they’re going where there’s “lots of sausages”.
Back to the mansion??
No, they’re going to frolic in Germany.
And from the looks of it, things are gonna start (finally) getting interesting.
This +1 button tells Google you liked what you’ve read. Thanks!