THE BACHELOR Recap #1 – I Juant You To Juant Me

Drum roll, please.
(Actually a Bandola strum fanfare would be more appropriate. And yes, I did just google “popular musical instruments of Venezuela” and spend a few minutes reading about the various guitars that make the beautiful sound that I now have in my head. I have a feeling I’m going to be spending a bit of time studying the Venezuelan culture over the next few months in my effort to feel closer to Juan Pablo…and then imparting my newfound knowledge to you. You are welcome.)

You guys, Juan Pablo has entered the building.

When we first saw him exit the limo and introduce himself to Des way back in May, we were bitten by the Spanish fly. When he finally got his one-on-one time by winning the competition at the dude ranch, we all collectively sang “I Juanna Be A Cowboy” between sighs as we watched him eat popcorn and Des’s face, respectively. We all cursed Des when she let him go but then quickly realized the implications of that stupid, idiotic move on her part — that perhaps ABC would choose him as the next Bachelor AND WE’D GET TO SEE HIM EVERY WEEK FOR 12 WEEKS. (Suddenly, Des became a lot more intelligent.)

And now finally, finally, the moment we’ve been waiting for has arrived.
And judging by the footage of what’s to come this season, we’re in for some classic Bachelor hookups and hijinks. Settle in, my Bachelor lovin’ friends, because try as I might, I cannot seem to make these damn recaps any shorter.

Episode 1:
Menu:
Garlic French Baguette and Alfredo dipping sauce
Skinnypop
Chardonnay Ginger Ale (damn migraines)
Crew:
Faithful Bachelor-Watching Sidekick since 2001 – Husband
12 year old daughter (don’t judge, Bachelor watching is a fabulous “What NOT to do/say/wear/allow/take/accept when dating” education)
18 year old daughter (ditto)

*RECAPPER’S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

Bam.
Right off the bat we’re treated to a lot of Juan Pablo sticking his tongue down a lot of girls’s throats in a lot of unbelievably gorgeous places.
As we’re shown shot after shot of him and various loose-curled extensioned blonds who all look the exact same to me, we hear his voiceover:
“…it’s about finding the person you feel is real…”
Uh…clearly he’s not feeling the same women I’m seeing, because “real” is about the last adjective I’d use to describe them. Dude’s gonna be looking a looong time if that’s his — wait, what? Ohhh! He meant ‘real’ like ‘genuine’? My bad. Never mind.

Moving on.

Promotional photo shoot with Juan Pablo!
Here he is in a suit! With a rose!
Here he is in jeans and an open necked button down! With a bouquet of roses!
Here he is in jeans and no shirt! Biting a rose!
Here he is holding the rose down by his crotch and giving a silly grin! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HUSBAND, COVER THE 12 YEAR OLD’S EYES!
Here I am covering the 12 year old’s eyes!

Juan Pablo calls himself “el Bachelor” which brings up a good point. Having to type J-U-A-N P-A-B-L-O 100 times every week is gonna get old. He needs a good nickname.
Speedy Gonzales is out because instead of the adorable sombrero wearing mouse and clever reference to the time it will take Juan Pablo to thrust his tongue down the women’s throats, too many people will get all offended and think I’m being racist.

Not racist at all. Just adorable.

We get glimpses of JP living the large life in Miami, and now in Los Angeles.
Beach, pimped out sportscar, gorgeous mansion. Adorable daughter running out of the airport to greet him. Heartwarming footage of them playing on the beach together. He’s obviously a great dad and OH MY GOD I WANT HIM TO FIND TRUE LOVE. Apparently Camila gets to live in the gorgeous mansion with him (and his parents, who ABC kindly flew out to babysit WHILE HE’S DATING 27 WOMEN) for two weeks until he becomes a gigolo globe trotter and leaves her for six weeks to find her an extensioned and enhanced mama. ABC even tricked out a room for her with every item from the pink/green owl collection from Target (thank you, 12 year old, for pointing that out).

One thing ABC obviously didn’t bother to spend more than 50 bucks on, though? A SWING SET.

Crappiest. Swing set. EVER.

Seriously, what the hell, ABC? You shell out a few mil for a mansion and private concerts and fantasy dates and plane tickets to every small remote island on Earth but give the little girl a $50 swing set from 1978 that’s probably covered in lead paint and held together with Elmer’s glue and bubble gum? No lie, I had a nicer swing set than that when I was five. IN 1974.

JP and Camila are playing pretending to play on the swing set when old Sean walks up the drive.
Sean.
Yawn.
Who sits on a swing. While JP sits on the teeter-totter thingy.
Whole set tips over.
No, it doesn’t, but honest to god, if either one of them takes their feet off the ground the whole thing will collapse like a house of toothpicks.
Thankfully, they take their discussion indoors (and thankfully, away from the four year old’s ears).

Sean (in chambray cuffed pants, navy polka-dotted button down, and Keds with no socks): “You’re gonna develop feelings for a lot of the women and it’s gonna freak you out. I had a lot of hard nights.”

Me (in pajama pants from 2005 and a sweatshirt with alfredo sauce drips on it): “I’ll bet you did, buddy.”

JP (in washed out gray v-neck with prominent nipples on display): “I’m terrible with names and I want to kiss a lot of them but I need a strategy and should I call it a journey or an adventure?”

Or something like that. I’m not really sure. Nipples.

Sean then tells JP a heartwarming story about an elephant and a dog and a skunk and oh, for crying out loud GET RID OF SEAN ALREADY.

OBLIGATORY SHOWER SHOT!

JP’s suited up, has shaved the scruff down to about a 2mm length, gelled the hair into its faux-faux-hawk, and you just know he smells good. He has little Camila help him with his pocket square.
Which brings up an interesting question (or five).
Where do you think he’s told her he’s going? Why do you think she thinks she’s living in L.A. away from her own mama in a Target room in a fancy mansion with a tinfoil swing set to play on for two weeks? Being FOLLOWED BY CAMERAMEN? I read that he wasn’t going to tell her about the whole DATING 27 WOMEN THING (as one wouldn’t) but seriously, what story could they have possibly fed this little girl?

I’d love to go into the possibilities, but like Camila, we’ve got to put it to bed because, like JP, we’ve got some women to meet.

Chelsie

Chelsie is silly. She likes to be silly in a sunflower patch. She’s learning Spanish for Whan Pahlo.
Jury says meh.

Renee

Renne is a single mom from Florida whose 8 year old son is “her sidekick.”  Ding!Ding!
Jury approves.

Andi

Andi is a gang prosecutor. Cut to a scene of her being all prosecutory in a “real live courtroom.” Looked and sounded like a scene from a Lifetime movie. She thinks she might have a hard time “dating the same guy as 25 others.” Ya think?
Jury is out on Andi (not the first time those words have been uttered, I’ll bet).

Nurse Nikki

Nikki is an absolutely adorable pediatric nurse and an Ali Fedotowsky look alike who “wants head over heels love forever.” Just bring some of the babies with you, Nikki. Roses all around.
Jury loves Nikki.

Lauren

Lauren loves her family but had a fiancee who didn’t love her. He recently CALLED HER ON THE PHONE and broke off their engagement. Here is Lauren holding her wedding gown. Here is Lauren holding her ring box and starting pensively over a creek. Here is Lauren sitting by a lighthouse and gazing across a pond at a bride and groom at their reception. ABC, you bastard. I love you.
Jury rejects.

Valerie

Valerie calls herself a pretty girl and says she’s not afraid to scratch the other girls’s eyes out.
Jury says KEEP VALERIE.

Lacy

Lacy has like six adult brothers and sisters with special needs who she plays frisbee with and dishes out food to on family picnics and if that isn’t enough SHE OWNS AND OPERATES ELDERLY CARE FACILITIES and now I feel like a piece of dog crap about myself.
Jury says keep her…and give her ALL THE ROSES.

Clare

Clare is a hairstylist and wants us to know, right off the bat, that she’s part mexican. Well, then….
Her dad recently died of brain cancer and we see Clare flipping through photos and crying and what’s this? A DVD? It’s a message from Clare’s dearly departed dad TO HER FUTURE FIANCEE that NO ONE HAS EVER WATCHED. She’s sure hoping Juan Pablo gets to watch it. THE MAN SHE’S NEVER MET BEFORE.
Jury rejects.

I’ve saved the best for last, you guys.
The crazy.
The one ABC better instruct JP to keep around for a few or eight weeks.
Amy the massage therapist.
Amy who looks a little bit like a Cabbage Patch Doll.

We first see Amy ON TOP OF A MALE CLIENT rubbing his shoulders with a definite look of satisfaction on her face. CLOSES HER EYES AND SIGHS AND GRUNTS as she GRABS THE DUDE’S HAIR AND PULLS BACK HIS HEAD. Amy considers herself “an artist.” Huh, I’d have pegged her for an author (you know…happy endings and all. Too much of a stretch? You’re right. I blame the damn Ginger Ale). Amy just wants a guy “who likes to be rubbed” because “none of the guys I’ve dated have liked to be rubbed.” Huh. Going out on a limb here, Amy, but most guys do, in fact, like to be rubbed so perhaps it’s YOU ARE CRAZY.
Next we see Amy sitting at a little breakfast table in an apron. “Juan Pablo! I made you breakfast!” she chirps AND DOES THE AIRPLANE THINGY WITH THE FORK INTO THE CAMERA.

12 yo: “Ummm. I don’t like her. She scares me. And I’m pretty sure she had a naked man in her living room.”
(Rewinding…rewinding. Nope, it was not in fact a naked man but a mannequin. Good eye though, 12, good eye.)

Limos arrive.
JP looking sharp.
Harrison looking sharper.
Seriously, the man has the glow of perfectly toasted almonds. Well done, ABC spray tanner, well done.

I won’t bore you with details (too late, you say?) about all 27 of the ladies’ arrivals (yes, ABC threw in two more while we were sleeping), so here’s the short version (shut up).

Gifts for Camila (so far. This will be a running list):
Bracelet from green Christine (how I remembered her name and how JP should have as well)
Build-a-Bear in a soccer uniform (given later at the cocktail party from curly Sue. Obviously I’m not as good with names as I just led you to believe)

Nurse Nikki arrives in a bangin’ black studded halter dress with a back cut down to her ass crack and gives JP a stethoscope to listen to the pounding of her heart. After checking out her dress he gives it to her so she can listen to the pounding of his…CRAP! 12 YEAR OLD! Moving on….

Lucy is a free spirit. No, really. That’s what her occupation is listed as on her bio and under her name on the screen.

She arrives WITHOUT SHOES in an ugly nightgowny dress with a flowered headband and no makeup because you guessed it — SHE’S A FREE SPIRIT. She looks like a 10 year old flower girl. Is this really the same Lucy we saw Harrison give the rose to Sunday night? The hot girl who eats bacon and rocks skin tight shirt dresses?

A nameless girl rolls in behind an upright piano. Or tries to roll in over the freshly washed cobblestone driveway. Swear to god I thought she was in a wheelchair at first and was all, “Oh no! She’s gonna tip!” and then I realized SHE WAS PEDDLING A PIANO BIKE and was all, “Oh no! She’s PEDDLING A PIANO BIKE.” Good grief. JP had to chase her inside to get her name. I think it was Lauren. I don’t really care.

Silly Chelsie tells him he has to do a science experiement but then that silly Chelsie THROWS THE BEAKERS AWAY and tells him that “instead of doing Chemistry…why don’t we just have Chemistry?” I just threw up a little bit of Alfredo sauce in my mouth.

Elise arrives wearing a 300 lb. dress and 100 lb. earrings. She can barely move. It takes her 45 minutes to reach the door.

Clare gets out of the limo with a baby bump. JP immediately looks pale and juanders if it’s his.
GOTCHA! She’s not really pregnant! She just wanted JP to see what she’ll look like one day when she is! She’s so happy with her quirky entrance she forgets to tell him she’s part mexican.

Crazy Amy gets out, pauses, and lets out an audible sigh. Which JP adorably mimics. Girl is nuts. I love it.

Single Mom Renee looks natural and lovely and not in the least bit overdone (I’m actually being honest). She tells JP she’s a single mother and it’s kind of adorable and when she goes inside he says, “Bye, mama!” and I’m already picturing their Christmas card next year.

Alexis is really cute. Oh, wait. She has brown hair. Sorry, Alexis. You lose.

Next a dog hops out of the limo. Oh, relax, it was an actual dog. It immediately sniffs JP’s crotch and pees on the roses. No, but that would have been awesome. Kelly is a “dog lover.” No, really.

This is fantastic! Next time someone asks me what I do, I’m just going to say, “wine drinker.” In fact, from here on out I’ve decided to develop different occupations for all the women. Starting next week. This one’s getting waaay too long as it is.

Sharleen is an opera singer who just flew in from Germany and who looks so uncomfortable I’m pretty sure she’d hop a flight back there immediately. What the hell, ABC? She’s normal! She’s not Bachelor contestant material! Which makes me wonder how they found her and immediately suspect she’s a mole. I’ve been watching too much Scandal, obviously.

Gang prosecutor Andi is the final dog in this show, and in spite of her brunette locks, there’s instant chemistry between her and JP (sorry, Chelsie). Jury reconvenes and decides that the verdict on Andi is promising.

Husband: “This might be the most attractive cast I’ve seen yet. Just sayin’.”
He has a point. Of course, they’ll all soon lose their pretty when THEY START TO LOSE THEIR MINDS in about two weeks.

Cocktail party:
JP walks in, and all the girls whoop and cheer and stare at him.
JP (in voiceover): “This feels weird. Feels like you are a meat and they want to eat you.”
Hey, he said it. Not me.

After an impromptu DANCE PARTY JP starts making the rounds.
And the girls immediately start counting the minutes that each one gets with him and begin constructing their blacklists.

He likes Nikki the Nurse (who doesn’t?) and Renee (“How are you mama?”), has to do his best not to look at or touch Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT’s disgustingly dry, flaky and cracked bare feet when she throws them in his lap and has some more seemingly boring and lovely conversations with others whose names I do not remember. They’re blond, mostly, if that helps.

But let’s get to the two crazies.

First – Amy the Cabbage Patch massage therapist. Who takes him to A MASSAGE TABLE SHE HAS SET UP and has him lay down and then UNDRESSES HIM AND IS RUBBING HIM AND INHALING HIM with her eyes closed and tells him HE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE and he’s looking up at the cameraman with FEAR in his eyes and mouthing, “Do NOT let her cut me up into tiny pieces” but the cameraman can’t answer or help him because he’s dropped his camera and has run far, far away.

JP: “The massage was pretty awkward.”

You don’t say.

Then there’s Lauren. No, not piano peddling Lauren, but poor recently dumped Lauren.
Lauren can’t get any one on one time with JP and IT’S FREAKING HER OUT because it’s making her realize a lot of things about herself and that she has a lot of suppressed emotions she hasn’t dealt with yet from the fall out of her recent dumping. She starts crying uncontrollably and “didn’t think she was going to be that girl” and “this is so not me” and IT IS BREAKING HER.
After like three hours and fourteen re-coats of mascara, she finally gets to sit on a couch with JP who she IMMEDIATELY DECIDES TO TELL that she has insecurities and all about her breakup but don’t worry: “I’m so over it.”
Newsflash: SHE’S NOT OVER IT.

JP just sits and stares at her as she goes on and on and on about the engagement and the little boy she was ready to be a stepmom to and how he justlikethat ended things and how she’ll never ever ever see him again.
Sits and stares.

Good talk.

JP takes Opera Sharleen out to the couch and for some reason really seems to like her despite the fact THAT SHE STILL LOOKS LIKE SHE’D RATHER BE IN GERMANY. Or Afghanistan.
He goes to get the first impression rose while me, my crew, all the other girls in the house and half of America are shouting, “NOOOO! GIVE IT TO ANDI! GIVE IT TO NIKKI! GIVE IT TO THE DOG!” and we hear Sharleen in voiceover saying that she doesn’t really feel anything for him and she’s not really sure why she’s there. Huh. MAYBE BECAUSE THE UNTIED STATES GOVERNMENT IS PAYING YOU TO INFILTRATE THE HOUSE?? Oh, wait. That’s right. Different show.

JP walks up with the F.I. rose and the look on Sharleen’s face is priceless.
JP: “So……”
Sharleen, looking shellshocked: “Seriously?”
Best reaction to a first impression rose EVER.
JP: “Sharleen you are elegant and lovely and I want to get to know you better even though you seem uncomfortable and don’t really like me and may or may not be a mole working for Obama, but will you accept this rose?”
Sharleen: pause….pause…pause….looks worried….”Sure.”
JP: “Sure?”
Gives her the rose.
Sharleen reluctantly takes it but looks like she’s holding a dead puppy as they walk back to the house.

Cut to me, my crew, all the other girls in the house and half of America shaking our heads slowly back and forth. SHE’S AN OPERA SINGER WHO LIVES IN GERMANY. You are a soccer playing dad WHO LIVES IN MIAMI. Oh, yeah, and let’s not forget that SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Which, if I’m being honest is an impressive quality to have being that NO ONE KNOWS EACH OTHER YET but hey, if you’re here to play the game…THEN PLAY THE GAME.

Rose Ceremony:
Molly the dog IS STILL THERE on a leash sniffing the other girls’s crotches. Nah, but she is sniffing around on the floor. When JP calls out Kelly’s name he also says, “Molly.” Who accepts the rose and humps his leg.

Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT skips and twirls to him. This FREE SPIRIT thing has already worn thin.

There’s some name confusion and a lot of pissy looks and I don’t know about you but I’m ready to end this party so let’s just leave it here:

Adios to –
Sad Lauren who cannot believe she’s going home on the first night. She’s sick of people feeling sorry for her. THEN STOP MAKING IT SO EASY, LAUREN. Lots of tears. She seemed like a good girl. I hope she can stop gazing at her wedding dress one day and gets to wear one.

Crazy Amy the massage therapist. Guess she rubbed him the wrong way (Ba-dum-dum. I’m here all week, folks). I have to say I’m disappointed in ABC for letting JP cut her so soon. Could’ve had some good entertainment from that one.

There’s a few others who don’t make the cut, but I’ve already forgotten them.

You guys, we made it. Episode 1 is in the can. And more impressive is that I made it through this recap without a drop of wine.

LEADERBOARD after week 1 (based on nothing more than the fact that if I was Juan Pablo they’re who I’d pick. Hell, even if I wasn’t Juan Pablo they’re who I’d pick):

Nurse Nikki
Mama Renee
Gang Prosecutor Andi