THE BACHELOR Recap #3 – I Juant To Kiss You All Over

Before we get to recapping, let’s just acknowledge the elephant in the room, shall we?

Juan Pablo’s had a rough week.
Juan Pablo said some stupid shit.
Juan Pablo’s been spit, skewered and spun.
Juan Pablo is about to get my unsolicited advice.
(You know how I like writing letters.)

Dear Juan Pablo,
Let’s just start with the obvious; you are an idiot. A hot idiot, but still. Don’t you know better than to open your mouth and give your opinion on anything related to race, politics, religion, illegal immigration, homosexuality and equality, and if Matt Lauer has lost his mojo and should just retire already? Especially now that you’re a “celebrity” and under the public microscope? Dude, you were set up. No matter how you answered that question you were gonna get skewered. Think about it. That would’ve been a good time to feign confusion at the mystery of the English language and respond with that whole, “My English is not very good-looking” thing.

But you didn’t. Until the next day, which I’m grateful for. Because irregardless of my opinion on the matter at hand, you corrected your mistake — or attempted to — with humility. And now I can continue skewering you and your lovely ladies (lovingly, of course) for the next 10 weeks.


Now, let’s get to recapping.
It was a pretty boring and uneventful episode, so this may be short.

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

mini m&ms (duh)
Half a glass of Cabernet
Full glass of Diet Ginger Ale
Full glass of Chardonnay while writing recap (duh again)
Faithful Bachelor lovin’ sidekick of 11 years – Husband
12 year old daughter, who learned some valuable life lessons tonight

I could tell this was going to be a boring episode when it started with a foursome of beauties sitting on the patio drinking coffee.
Coffee?? Are you kidding me??
THIS IS THE BACHELOR, girlfriends!! I don’t care if it is 8 a.m. — get your drink on! Have you not seen this show? The sober girl never wins.
So Mama Renee, Kelly (and her faithful sidekick, Molly dog), and two girls I have never seen before are sitting there drinking their coffee and discussing Juan Pablo and one of them says,  “It’s just gonna get harder and harder.”
Hold on just a minute, missy. This is prime time TV and my 12 year old is watchi — oh, wait. What’s that? You were talking about the rose ceremonies? Sorry. My mistake. Carry on.

Harrison arrives in a two toned blue color-blocked button up shirt that made his eyes POP OUT OF MY SCREEN and takes a moment to explain the whole date/rose concept.
The girls look confused.
But let’s throw them a bone (Molly, too) — they’re stone cold sober. Not much makes sense to them.

Cassandra scores the first one on one and skips upstairs to get ready.
The other girls add whisky to their coffee and call her a bitch behind her back.

Juan Pablo is having a picnic at the beach with his parents and Camila, who he force feeds chicken to between her adorable skips and dances around the group. She is a happy, happy little girl, no question. He tells us that he “understands Cassandra” because she is a mom and he won’t waste her time if he feels it’s not going to work out. He’s excited about the date and wants to make sure she “feels good today.”
I consider sending the 12 year old to bed early. I don’t like the sound of that. 

Cassandra – “Love is a Wild Ride”
Cassandra arrives at the beach in a simple ponytail and a bright orange romper that looks exactly like one I had for my Barbies in 1976. Fitting, because they hop into a Barbie jeep and take off down the beach.

JP: “Cassandra loves the water. I have to give her what she wants.”

I’ll bet you do.

They get to an inlet of the ocean that looks kind of like a lake and Juan Pablo turns the jeep 90° and heads straight into the water! Cassandra screams! Juan Pablo laughs! The jeep sinks and they drown. The end.

Actually, the wheels of the jeep fold up and god dammit if that thing doesn’t turn into a speed boat right before my very eyes.
ABC, you got game.
Juan Pablo drives the car/boat like a maniac around the inlet and eventually they end up at a yacht where they strip down to their skivvies (or in Cassandra’s case, a cute baby blue eyelet bikini) and jump into the water and frolic and kiss. The usual boat/water Bachelor date ensues. Snore.

Juan Pablo takes Cassandra back to his Bachelor pad for a home cooked meal. She’s wearing a pair of floraly pink jeans I totally wore in like 1989. Niiice. (In 1989.) He tells us that Camila is with his parents for the night. Dude — understood. While she tells us FOR THE SIXTH TIME that this is the first first date she’s had in three years (12 year old has been keeping count, apparently), Juan Pablo shows her Camila’s artwork that he’s scotch taped to the fridge to help her relax and feel comfortable.

JP: “I want to make Cassandra feel at home so she opens up.”
(Uh, hey cowboy, slow down. This is only your first date. Geez.)

But you know what that means in Juan Pablo’s world?
Because what better way to help a girl relax than make her dance in front of two cameramen, a sound guy and three producers ON HER FIRST DATE IN THREE YEARS?
They presumably eat dinner and are out on the patio sampling Venezuelan desserts when she pulls out a stack of photos of her little boy (from her bra?) to share with Juan Pablo.

*Sidenote* Thank you to my reader Mallory who commented last week and let me know that Cassandra used to dance for the Detroit Pistons (hence the “Former NBA Dancer” distinction under her name) and slept with (or “had a relationship” with) one of the players which resulted in the cute little boy in the photos. Must’ve been some Piston. Ba-dum-bum. 

He shares an iPhone photo of cute Camila with her and OHMYGOD SHE’S FEELING FEELINGS and then they kiss and Bam! Cassandra — Rosed.

Group Date – “Let’s Kick It”
Juan Pablo’s on the soccer field showing us his moves.
Yeah, he’s got moves. I’ll give him that.
The ladies arrive in limos and walk across the field wearing their ABC issued solid color tanks, black lycra cropped pants and ponytails.
Mollly dog is noticeably absent, which sucks for her because you know she’d loooove to run around and poop on that field.
Juan Pablo tells them they’re going to play soccer! Yaaaay!!! Except for Kelly. Kelly is worried. She’s not athletic “at all.”
Sorry, Kelly. Maybe Juan Pablo can teach an old dog new tricks??
They all change into cleats and start practicing.
It’s kind of disastrous. They all kind of suck. Juan Pablo is “worried about Kelly.”
Throw her a stick. She’ll be fiiiine.
Blah Blah Blah – They play soccer and some of them are better than others – and Blah Blah Blah I’VE SEEN THIS EXACT DATE LIKE ELEVENTY THREE TIMES so let’s just get to the evening, shall we?

Cocktail party at the soccer stadium.
Oh good grief. I’m already bored.
Girls have ditched their cleats and are all showered up and in their Ace-bandage miniskirts with their extensions loosely curled and eyeballing the rose like it’s a piece of bacon and Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki away on a walk. They sit and talk about their biggest fears and you’ll never believe this but they fear the exact same thing!!! They’re both afraid of getting hurt.
Wait. No, Juan Pablo is afraid of hurting someone else, so nevermind. Totally different. He tells her he likes her and thinks she’s sexxxxxy and does some close talking with her.
Nikki’s feeling good because she gets a hug.
Has she really not seen this show?

Next, Juan Pablo takes Gang Prosecutor/Didn’t-Want-To-Get-Naked-For-The-Photo-Shoot-Last-Week-But-Totally-Compromised-Her-Values Andi to the stadium snack bar that’s (obviously) closed but they hop the counter and pour some sodas. Because they can.
Andi tells Juan Pablo that this shit’s getting real so he takes her back into the dark kitchen and eats her face.

By this time the girls are going crazy wondering WHO IS GOING TO GET THE BACON, I mean, the rose, and so Juan Pablo takes reluctant Sharleen out to the center of the field, spreads a blanket and lays down all sexy like on one arm while she sits up stick straight next to him. If body language could talk she’d have been saying, “Mantanerse alejado. Lejos.” But he doesn’t. He tells her she’s got class and she laughs nervously and he goes in for an Arie kiss (which means he grabs her face with one hand which everyone knows is the very best kind of kiss) and what happens next is something that despite scrubbing my eye sockets out with Clorox I still cannot unsee.

I don’t know how to describe the awkwardness of Sharleen’s reciprocation of that kiss other than show you these screenshots. Which meant I had to watch it again. The things I do for you guys.

Can you see her physically pulling back? The muscles in her neck were like ropes on the B camera shot.

Licking either her own lip or Juan Pablo’s lip. I can’t tell and I CANNOT WATCH IT AGAIN to try to figure it out.

You know how when you first teach a baby to give kisses and they just come at your face with their mouth wide open and never close it? That.

Let me be clear. He was done with that kiss like 15 seconds ago. Her not so much.

Poor girl. She seems lovely. I just don’t think she really knew what to do. She’s obviously a little inexperienced and out of her league on this show.  I wish this one guy I dated in college wasn’t so old; he’d be the perfect kissing match for her.

Nurse Nikki scores the rose.
Andi and Sharleen leave with each other’s spit on their faces (literally).

Chelsie – “Do You Trust Me” 
Chelsie gets the second one on one date, and Elise is pissed.
She’s telling everyone and their dog (literally) that Chelsie is just a baby. She’s so young! A little girl! Juan Pablo doesn’t need another child to take care of!

Juan Pablo takes baby Chelsie to a Venezuelan restaurant and sticks a whole bunch of different foods into her mouth. Loose meat sandwich looking things and fried eggrolls filled with cheese. Things that make my stomach start to gurgle and just as I yell, “She’s about 15 minutes away from either explosive diarrhea or explosive vomiting” he takes her to a bridge to bungee jump.
Seems like a great idea.
To everyone but Chelsie.
With a bungee cord strapped to their ankles (and Chelsie wearing TOMS which seems like a bad idea for some reason), Juan Pablo and Chelsie step out onto a graham cracker sized platform attached with a couple of screws to the side of the bridge. The bungee master tells them to “make sure and jump out so you don’t hit the arch of the bridge when you bounce.”
Comforting advice.
Chelsie’s terrified.
She’s crying.
She needs to step back.
She can’t do it.
Juan Pablo keeps his arm around her and is telling her it’s fine. Trust him.
Trust him?
Call me crazy, but the one person I’d need to have trust in at that moment sure as hell isn’t Juan Pablo. It’s that bungee master who wrapped my ankles in elastic.
She can’t do it.
Juan Pablo tells her it’s okay; it won’t ruin the day (but she shitsure ain’t getting a rose).
You guys, this is cruel.
I hate this show.
I love this show.
Her fear is coming through my TV and I’m about to start crying with her and I just want to hold her and tell her she doesn’t have to do it but wait…what’s this? Juan Pablo does that exact same thing! Big 180 from last week when he told Andi to just get naked already.
Somehow Chelsie taps into her inner PowerPuff girl and slowly inches her way back out onto the cracker.
And 5,4,3,2,1 — JUMP.
And they bounce.
And they don’t hit the arch and die.
And Juan Pablo holds her tight and kisses her while they are upside down hanging by their ankles.

Then came the typical “the epitome of building a relationship is free falling together” and “if we can jump off a bridge together we can get through anything” and all that other trust and free-falling rhetoric that always, always comes after the bungee date.

Impressive that she jumped.
More impressive that she held in all that Venezuelan food.

Husband pauses the TV and gives 12 year old an important life lesson.
Life Lesson #1 – “Always do what it takes to get another date.”

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Elise continues her campaign against baby Chelsie:

Elise: “She’s just a BABY!!”
“Chelsie’s very young…and younger girls haven’t had the experiences.”
“I look at her like a little girl. I can’t imagine her raising a little girl; she’s a baby herself!!”
Kat: “How old is she?”
Elise: “I don’t know, like 26.”
Kat: “How old are you?”
Elise: “27.”
Cue ABC wah-wahhh music.

Juan Pablo and Chelsie have a lovely dinner in a candlelit courtyard at City Hall and talk about trust and other boring stuff and he gives her the rose because she jumped off the bridge.
Chelsie: “You can’t top what happened today.”
ABC: “Challenge accepted.”

Cue private concert from Billy Currington. They dance. Chelsie lets loose. She’s cute. Has a fun and upbeat personality and smiles a lot. I can almost forgive her for that stupid chemistry stunt she pulled on the first night after she got out of the limo.

Next morning:
It’s sunrise over the Bachelorette mansion, we see shots of the girls sleeping which is totally creepy when you think about the fact THAT THE CAMERAMEN WERE IN THEIR ROOMS WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING, and what’s this? Juan Pablo is bringing in bags of groceries!
He wants to make them a Venezuelan breakfast and see them all sans makeup in “real life.”
Ay yi yi.
Kelly is the first to stumble down the stairs.
Has to take Molly out, you know.
Covers her face with her hands and mumbles ‘hello’ to JP.
ABC gives us a shot of Molly taking her morning poop for some reason.
Other girls filter in in tank tops and top knots.
Juan Pablo likes the way Clare looks “in her paJAHHmas.”
Boring bore snore and then Juan Pablo channels his inner Harrison and tells them that instead of a cocktail party that evening they’re going to have a POOL PARTY that day!
The girls squeal and clap!
It means they get to show off their boobies!!
ABC takes full advantage of this fact and gives us a few close ups of them rubbing sunscreen in their bikini tops. I preferred the shot of Molly taking a dump.

No one likes Kat.
She’s on Juan Pablo’s shoulders in the pool for apparently 20 minutes which prompts some faceless girl to lamment, “He had his head in her crotch for like 20 minutes!”
Yeah, we had to clarify that for the 12 year old.
They think Kat’s an attention whore and makes a spectacle of herself.
“There are 14 other girls here and you look like a whore.”

Husband pauses to give the 12 year old another life lesson.
Life Lesson #2 – It is inconsiderate to look like a whore. 

Sharleen is uncomfortable.
She tells Juan Pablo that the cameras “are burning her soul.”
She’s beginning to question if she’s the right girl for him.
Proving he was either drunk the night in the soccer stadium or has a really bad memory, he goes in for a kiss.
They kiss, or do something that might be kissing but also could be licking, lapping, or whistling.

Then Clare starts to freak her freak out because she hasn’t seen Juan Pablo since their winter Juanderland date and so she runs up to the bathroom and closes herself in.
So done already, CLARE. Be original.
Renee, proving herself to be quite the house mother, follows her up and talks her out.
Different girl, same talk.
I fear Renee is going to always be the bridesmaid.

Clare: “I mean, I didn’t get to even go on a date this week.”
Juan Pablo: “I know, I wish I could take everyone.”
Clare: “I just wish it was me.”
Juan Pablo (whispering): “Of course you do. I am Whhan Pahblo.”

Harrison comes out in a plaid speedo and clinks his glass.
No, it was a shirt, but that would have been fabulous.

Rose Ceremony
Roses to:
Everyone but Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT (not surprised, but I’ll kind of miss her) who gives a very nice and heartfelt exit speech and some blond who I swear they just threw in there because I do not ever remember seeing her.
Husband: “He should’ve kept that one. She’s pretty.”

Life Lesson #3 – Always keep the pretty ones.

Leaderboard after week 3
Nurse Nikki
Chelsie (only because she JUMPED OFF A FREAKIN’ BRIDGE, not because I actually think she’ll win)

Post show:
Husband: “(12 year old), review your life lessons for me.”
12 year old: “Always jump off a bridge and don’t look like a whore.”

I think she’s sort of got it, folks.

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Bachelor Recap #1 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Bachelor Recap #2 – Walking in a Winter Juanderland

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  • Teri Biebel - I freaking love your recaps. I’ll admit, I’ll never watch the show. Why should I? Your recaps are far more entertaining than the show could EVER hope to be.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I freaking love that you love my recaps (AND are a loyal reader!). Thanks for the nice comment — I’m happy to entertain you. Although, you really are missing some good comedy. And two full hours to be snarky, which I know you love to be.ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - Maybe that ball Sharleen took to the head caused some sort of amnesia? The kind of amnesia that makes you forget how to kiss? That was so gross….

    I didn’t make it through the whole show. After what’s her face locked herself in the bathroom, I realized my wine glass was empty and I couldn’t take anymore without another drink.

    Not sad to see Lucy go. That was a weird choice for JP.

    You going to recap the most boring wedding in the world, next week?ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Ha! Yeah, she DID get knocked around quite a bit!
      Don’t worry about missing part of the show, next week if your wine glass is empty just go refill it and take a bath and I’ll cover for ya.
      I”ll definitely be watching Sean (yawn) and Catherine’s wedding next week but don’t think I’ll recap it. There’s only so much Bachelor recapping I can do and stay sane!ReplyCancel

  • Aldrich6 - WOW. I think you captured that show. LOVED IT! Id still read this even when I watch the show. Its seriously a train wreck!ReplyCancel

  • Johi Kokjohn-Wagner - I like Sharleen but those kisses were brutal to watch. Something about Chelsea gets under my skin. Maybe I just think she’s annoying. Yep. That’s it.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I don’t really even like Sharleen. I don’t know why but she bugs me. Maybe it’s because she’s too normal for that house. I’ll agree that Chelsie is annoying, but she’s kind of happy annoying (if that makes any sense). Like a dog. Like Molly dog. No worries, I can’t imagine she stays around for more than a few more weeks. Thanks for the comment, sister!ReplyCancel

  • The Dose of Reality - I think you know that Ashley and I are boycotting The Bachelor this season. It’s the first time we’ve not watched a season of this franchise. THAT’S how devastated we were that Arie was not the next Bachelor. I just want to point out, Arie wouldn’t have made statements like this. Ahem…

    So, your recaps are all I have to go on for this season. At least I can now answer the question, “Do you have to watch the show to get the most out of Michelle’s awesome write ups?” The answer is HELL NO. I am LOVING this recap!!! In fact, I’m pretty sure that reading your recaps is 1000% better than actually watching the show. Definitely. You had me hooked the minute you chastised the girls for drinking coffee. And the way you described the jeep heading into the ocean THE END, OMG. SO funny!!
    I’m glad Cassandra was “rosed”. I like the way you described her.
    I’m impressed that old JP knew to take a play out of the Arie kissing book. That raises my esteem for him. I also applaud your frame by frame kissing sequence! That poor girl!!
    I cannot believe that other girl did the bungee jump! That whole “make sure to jump wide” thing sounded terrifying. But Life Lesson #1 made it all worthwhile! 😀
    Your 12 yo totally knows the down low now. Thanks, The Bachelor!! –LisaReplyCancel

    • Michelle - First of all, I LOVE that your comment is almost as long as the recap. It’s like we’re having a conversation. And you know if we ever actually HAD a real live conversation The Bachelor would dominate it.
      Secondly, SHAME ON ME for misspelling Arie’s name. As soon as I saw that ‘e’ I was like, OH MY GOD I AM A POOR EXCUSE for an Arie lover. Not to worry, it’s been fixed.
      Thank you for loving this recap and being a loyal reader. Happy to do my part giving you back like 24 hours of your life this winter. 😉

  • Sally - Well…. I haven’t watched an episode for the past couple of seasons… but now I feel like I know what’s going on… so maybe next week I’ll watch!


    • Michelle - DO IT, SALLY. JUST DO IT.
      And if you don’t, no worries. I’ve gotcha covered.

  • Kim Turner - OMG!!! This is the first one of your recaps I’ve read because I’m usually a day or 3 behind my DVR but I watched the show this morning butt-crack early while pounding on the treadmill so…..Never missing these posts again!!! I was nodding along and saying, “yep” and “I know, right?!” Your recap is awesome!!! And, please no more kisses between Sharleen and JP!!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - The treadmill is an excellent way to watch this drivel! I’d totally be doing the same if I didn’t have my laptop open recording every ridiculous word that comes out of their mouths…and the gross kisses, of course. Thank you for reading and commenting and for never missing another post!! Happy to be “in your brain”!! 🙂

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