THE BACHELOR Recap #4 – Oh, I Juanna Dance With Somebody

Before we start recapping, let’s all take a moment to wish Sean and Catherine well…and the maid at the Four Season’s in Santa Barbara good luck with her ebay auction of those honeymoon sheets.

Moving on.

Sunday night after the wedding when I was searching Twitter and Instagram and all the other usual sources for photos and tidbits of info from inside the wedding, I stumbled upon the tweet of one Molly Mesnick. And by ‘stumbled’ I mean was just checking my Twitter feed and was surprised to see it because apparently I’ve been following her for months. (Hey, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I kind of suck at Twitter.) But that’s neither here nor there and you should still totally follow me @urmyfavetoday. The point is that apparently she and Jason have a weekly podcast in Seattle and chit-chat for like 25 min. about life and their kids and life in general and most importantly — THE BACHELOR.

So I popped in my earbuds, propped myself up on my pillows, grabbed a few UsWeeklys to flip through (I only look at the pictures) and listened. To three podcasts. Go ahead, do the math. That’s like an hour and a half of my life. Listen, I figure I’ve given so much of my life to this franchise already that another hour and a half isn’t going to solidify my journey to hell. I’m already well on the road. (But that’s not really news, is it?)

Anyway you guys, here’s the kicker. I was entertained. They’re kind of adorable. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a huge fan of either of them back in the day. Not that I didn’t like them, they just were never really my favorites. And I’ll be honest, it took me years to get over that whole dissing Melissa on TV thing and having any respect for Molly for taking that dog Jason back, but that’s a topic for another time (and future therapy) so let’s get back to the topic at hand: their podcast. Which I fell in love with.

Here’s some insider tidbits they disclosed (refreshingly and adorably):
•The first one-on-one date is the ONLY date the Bachelor/ette gets to choose who to take on. Every person who goes on the other group dates and one-on-one dates is chosen by the producers. SHOCKING. Or is it?
•Those one-on-one interviews are called “ITMs” –> “In The Moments.” I think we should change it to “TMIs” but that’s just me.
•They all say “amazing” so much because the producers are prompting them — “Why is he so AMAZING?” or “What made this date so AMAZING?”
•Endless alcohol (big surprise). No lie, the producers will ask everyone exactly what they want the bar stocked with and will get you anything you want. At any time of the day. Sign me up.
•At Ashley and JP’s wedding last year, Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard were doing some heavy flirting.

Molly: “Next week we’ll have a bunch of gossip about (Sean and Catherine’s) wedding…like who will Chris Harrison take back to his room?”
Jason: “You?”
Molly: “If I’m going back to anyone’s room it will be Juan Pablo’s!” (<< love that)
Jason: “Remember at Ashley and JP’s wedding there was a lot of flirting between Emily and Chris Harrison and we thought something might have happened and maybe it did?”

Now there’s an image that just wiped Sean and Catherine right outta my mind. And I do not like it.

Anyway, if you like this sort of insider gossip, check out their podcasts. I don’t actually know what day they do them (Thursday or Friday?), but this week’s will be all about S & C’s wedding.
Here’s the link >> Jason and Molly’s Podcast.

Okay, now that I’ve burned like a solid minute of your allotted time to read this recap, we’d better get to it.

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

Skipping the Menu and Crew section because THEY’RE ALWAYS THE SAME. If you’re curious, read last week’s recap.

We begin with a heartfelt moment between Juan Pablo and little Camila: saying goodbye. Juan Pablo tells us that “It’s my time now…time to travel…time to keep going with my aventura“…time to bone some women.
Hey, you’ve seen this show. The truth may be harsh, but it’s still the truth.
He hugs his parents and Camila goodbye and she’s obviously broken up that she will not be seeing him for another month. So broken up that her last words to him are, “I have a wedgie.”
Which he adorably fixes.
Then leaves.

Harrison arrives at the mansion in plaid. Again.
Explains how this week’s dates will work. Again.
But wait! That’s not all!
OMG squeals and OMG gasps and OMG hand grasping all around!
Harrison: “You’ll need to grab your passports…”
Harrison: “…because you’ll be meeting Juan Pablo in the home of K-POP and Gangnam Style….”
There’s shrieking and grabbing at each other’s extensions and you just know like a third of them are thinking maybe it’s Atlanta…
Harrison: “….beautiful SOUTH KOREA!”
The girls are standing and cheering like they’re on an episode of Oprah’s Favorite Things.

After medics were called in to administer to the three hyperventilations and Molly dog’s heart attack (which explains her absence the rest of the show), the girls run upstairs — holding hands — to pack…or to HAVE A DANCE PARTY IN THE BATHROOM (<< true story).

Clare cannot believe her luck: “I don’t even have a kimono!!”
I have to admit, we had to google that one to determine that yes, Clare is an idiot. Hey, we didn’t say it on national TV.
The girls continue freakin’ their freak out checking in at the airport, on the plane and walking/dancing/singing/squealing through the airport in South Korea. Damn. That must’ve been one helluva rough 12 hours for the other 280 passengers on that flight. But luckily, they travel light.

Seoul is colorful and bright and crazy and crowded and loud…and with the addition of these 16 girls walking arm in arm screaming down the streets, completely obnoxious. They get to their 2 story room at the Hilton and continue their spazz-fest, which is now going on about hour 23.
All except for Nurse Nikki.
She wants to be the one.
His Seoul mate, if you will. 
She thrives on individual dates and doesn’t like the group thing.
She better get the one-on-one date because she “wants to go deeper than that”
That’s what he said.

The first date card is on the table and Nurse Nikki is on it.
She’s bummed.
Nurse Nikki: “This blows.”
{please insert your own joke here}

Group Date – “POP”
It’s a dancing date.
But the girls don’t know that.
They’re all in a bus in their ABC issued solid lycra tanks and zipper jackets that have been washed since the soccer date wondering what it could possibly mean.
Cassandra wonders if it’ll be about popcorn!
Chelsie wonders if they’ll be making gum!
They all ponder this and decide that gum and maybe even a bubble blowing contest would be “horrible” and be like “the worst date ever”!!
Nurse Nikki is still pissed and is hoping it means she’ll get to pop a cap in everyone else’s mouth.
I pause to ask Husband to pop me over the head with that 10 lb. free weight that’s laying there by his hand.
NN tells us that she’d like to go on a date “with no other people besides the one she’s dating.”
She’s cute, but I’ve decided to be tired of her.

The girls meet Juan Pablo at an entertainment station and he tells them they’re going to get to dance with 2NE1, South Korea’s HOTTEST MEGA STARS, “like the Spice Girls back in the U.S.!”
Psst…Fresh Prince, c’mere. No, closer. IT’S NOT 1998 ANYMORE, GENIUS.
Spice Girls…geez! HA! Could he have picked a more dated referen — oh, wait. Here they come. 2NE1. They’re “singing.” And “dancing.” Never mind. Totally Spice Girls. Totally 1998. My apologies, Juan.

Kat is out of her mind with excitement and “totally in her element” because SHE’S A DANCER!
Yes, way!
Don’t even try to dispute that fact because she will remind you of it…approximately 284 times.
She makes pushes her way to the middle of the floor during free dance time and busts some moves that make my crew dispute it anyway.
Chelsie is bubbling over and cannot believe her dream of dancing back up for Britney Spears is coming true!! (Kind of.) (Not.) She bounces off the walls anyway.
Nurse Nikki is pouty and tells us she cannot dance.
She does a half-hearted water sprinkler and that move where you grab your ankle and pump your leg and hop around on one foot for awhile (by the way — do not google that description to try to find out the name of that dance. I am now blind in one eye).
Kat continues her quest for BEST DANCER IN THE FREE WORLD and bless her heart, starts helping all the other girls learn the dance.
12 yo: “Uh, isn’t Cassandra the actual (former) dancer?”
Yes, 12, indeed she is (was). Excellent point. Thank you for keeping track.
Nurse Nikki is still a pouter and a dance hater and takes a moment (in her “ITM” – thank you Mesnicks) to show us her “face on the outside” –

and her “face on the inside” –

By the way, despite what it looks like, Nurse Nikki
does not have hydrocephalus. Bad iPad angle.

2NE1 arrives to tell the group that they want to invite them to their show to be their back up dancers!!!

The girls –

Nurse Nikki –

Kat is FREAKING OUT because she’s FREAKING AWESOME and Nurse Nikki tells us that she really hopes they’re performing for the South Korea School for the Blind.
Man, I wish I’d have come up with that one.
That one was all Nurse Nikki.
Well done.
I’ve decided to maybe kind of like her again.

After dressing the gang in appropriately cartoonish outfits and giving them all ridiculous hair-dos, they go their performance AT A SHOPPING MALL because that’s exactly where you’d expect South Korea’s biggest K-POP group to perform. It’s an awkward display of spazztastic dancing but Kat saves the day by showcasing her own original choreography because SHE’S AWESOME!
The other girls grab her, throw a bag over her head and ship her off to North Korea.
Not really.

That evening the girls are out of their silly outfits and back in their standard bondage bandage mini dresses and have a cocktail party in a random courtyard that we’ve seen a million times.
Kat wants the rose. Tells Juan Pablo that she’s not just “the fun girl.”
No, she’s also “the annoying girl” and “the obnoxious girl” and now is “the wounded girl” because she tells Juan Pablo about divorce and alcoholic fathers and having to be the strong one blah blah blah.
Tell me something new, sister.
Nurse Nikki sets them all straight. “Everyone’s afraid of hurting someone else and stepping on other people’s toes but I do think some people are here for…more fun than real…and I’ll say it: I think KAT acts one way with us and then the camera comes around and she’s like (and the following was said in an awesome Oprah voice) WHO WANTS SOME GUACAMOOOLLLLEEEEEE???” and does a shoulder shimmy.
I’ve now decided to fully like her again.
Cassandra is listening but giving NN the stink eye and the atmosphere on the couches becomes muy frio.
Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki — who is sporting an enormous and unfortunate zit on her right cheek — to have a little chat about children and Camila. Nurse Nikki LOVES KIDS and is a great diaper changer.
That’s about all I got from that conversation.
Sorry. I was distracted by that zit.
Anyway, she scores the rose and Juan Pablo licks her mouth before giving her a kiss.
It’s like Molly dog never left.

Sharleen – “Are You my Seoul Mate?”
I realize I need to spend some time here because of last week’s awkward conversation and disasterous kiss between these two, but for the sake of time and for the sake of my sanity, I can sum up Juan Pablo and Sharleen’s date by simply saying it was exactly the same.

Moving on.

No, but I have to tell you guys. I am baffled. Not since Sean was blinded by Tierra’s sparkle have I been so perplexed by a bachelor’s misguided judgment.
Juan Pablo starts the date by telling us that “(Sharleen) is my favorite right now.”
If by ‘favorite’ he means ‘most unlike me of any girl on the planet’ then yeah, I guess I see it.
And for her part, Sharleen feels the same.
She “still doesn’t know if he’s the one for her.”
Juan Pablo (jeans and a tee) takes Sharleen (black dress, black NYLONS, black flats) to the marketplace where they taste a lot of different foods and then end up in a teahouse and talk and I was so bored that for the first time since this episode began stopped typing for like three solid minutes.
Got up…went to the bathroom…refilled my popcorn…did some squats…crocheted an afghan….

The evening wasn’t any more interesting.
At first.
Three word recap….GO.

“Sing for me.”
Will not sing.
“Sing for me.”
Will not sing.
“Sing for me.”
I hate you.
10 second song.
Awkward kissing begins.
I can’t watch.
12 yo screams.

At dinner it finally gets interesting.
Juan Pablo: “How many kids do you want?”
Sharleen: “Me?”
crickets. crickets.
(no, there actually were crickets literally chirping. Korea. Duh.)
Husband (in Sharleen’s voice): “I was wondering what it was gonna take to get rid of yours.”
Sharleen (deflecting): “That’s a whole other topic. How many do you want?”
JP: “Two more…maybe three…”
Sharleen: “It’s been real. Gotta go.”
JP: “It’s not easy to be with someone who has a kid.”
Sharleen gulps and chokes and sputters out that she’s “not one of those girls (who likes kids)” and “hasn’t ever thought about having kids (or wanting them)” and she once dated a guy who had a kid and couldn’t get over the fact that “his FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER CAME FIRST.”
Oh no she di’int.
Juan Pablo, the same Juan Pablo who has said that HIS FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER MUST COME FIRST gives her the rose as a reward for her honesty.
Oh no he di’int.

Group Date – “Let’s Get Krazy in Korea”
When I saw the ‘K’ in Krazy I just knew (hoped) that a Kardashian or two would be part of this date, but no, it was just a lame day of Karaoke and photo booths and Swan paddle boats and wandering the marketplace (again) sampling the unusual cuisine, which Clare would have no part of.
Seems Clare has an aversion to eating weird food.
Like octopus.
Juan Pablo (e.g. the ABC producers) of course find an octopus cart and make Clare eat a tiny piece, which she gags down in a way that makes me have to look away and dump out my SkinnyPop.
Kelly chimes in with perhaps one of the best Bachelor lines to ever be spoken: “Oh come on, I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”
Standing O for that one, Kelly. Well done.
Any time you want to fill in for me, just call.

That evening Juan Pablo tells us (but not the girls) that he’s decided not to kiss anyone tonight.
Cut to all the girls on the couch talking about how much they’re all going to kiss Juan Pablo tonight.
Juan Pablo tells us (but not the girls) that he’s only thinking about little Camila. He’s kissed six girls and he doesn’t want her to see him kiss 20 more.
Okay, two things:
He goes on to tell us that he “wants her to have an example of a good dad.”
Which is why he’s only crammed his tongue down SIX girls’s throats so far.
I get it now.
Thanks for clearing that up.

Mama Renee wants to kiss him.
Gang prosecutor Andi wants to kiss him.
Lauren (who?) wants to kiss him.
No can do.

Enter Clare.
Clare with her wily ways.
Clare: OMG! I ate OCTOPUS!!!!!
Juan Pablo (close talking): I was proud of you.
JP: Tell Juan Pablo.
Clare: OMG I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH! Is that AWFUL?? But I totally tried to hide it!!
JP: I cannot take your sexy talk. Come and let me thrust my tongue in your mouth.
Clare: Does my breath taste like chocolate?
JP: No, more like octopus vomit, but I do not care, for I am Whhan Pahlo.

After all that; after his broken promise TO HIS LITTLE GIRL; Andi gets the rose.
Clare vomits again and kills her with her eyes.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony (we almost made it, ya’ll)
They arrive at a palace in many colorful and sequined dresses.
Nurse Nikki and Clare almost come fisticuffs because Nikki thinks that Clare said something to Juan Pablo about Nikki being dramatic but Clare didn’t and now Cassandra is caught in the middle.
Or something like that.
Or this.

Time for roses.

Renee (he needs her to stay and look after the girls)
Kelly (looks like Molly will have to be kenneled for another week…but probably just one more)
Danielle (who and WHAT?)
Alison (seriously do not know who that is)
Kat (saved by her mad dancing skillz)

That means we say goodbye to first grade teacher and the only one in the house mature enough to be a mom Elise and piano peddling Lauren who as Juan Pablo hugs her whispers to Harrison, “What was her name?”

Juan Pablo: “Next week we’re off to hot, exotic…..Vietnam!”

Leaderboard after week 4 –
Clare and her octopus breath
Sharleen (GAK)
Andi (definite chemistry despite being denied that kiss)
Nurse Nikki (but not her zit)

Catch up on the recaps here!
#1 – I Juant You To Juant Me
#2 – Walkin in a Winter Juanderland
#3 – I Juant to Kiss You All Over

Hey! If you like these recaps, I’d be ever so grateful if you’d 

share the link on your Facebook pages…

or just tell like your entire office or playgroup or book club or twitterverse to read them. 
 One day you might help me reach my lifelong goal of meeting Chris Harrison. 
(Which is actually second to my first lifelong goal of meeting Baio, obviously.)

And thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback!
Glad you enjoy them, but please — NO SPOILERS!!
I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia HoodRat 
on you if you do. 

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