There Was A Bachelor Wedding Before All The SEX

If you

A. Are sick of hearing me talk The Bachelor
B. Don’t give a crap about The Bachelor
C. Get uncomfortable at the thought of having to think about other people doing it
D. Are my 12 year old daughter
E. All of the above
you shouldn’t read this. In fact, you shouldn’t read tomorrow’s post, either (RECAP alert). Just sit tight until later in the week when I promise to write about something non-Bachelor related, like how I almost died driving home in a swirling tundra of snow last night but thankfully made it home in time to get in sweats, make some soup, pour a tumbler of wine and imagine myself there in Santa Barbara in a fancy dress surrounded by a bevy of Bachelor beauties (I’m lookin’ at you, Arie).

Dammit. I still can’t do it, can I?

But back to The Bachelor.

I know I said I wouldn’t recap Sean & Catherine’s LIVE wedding because I could only recap one Bachelor event at a time and remain sane.

But then I watched it.

And I could not keep these few nuggets of observation to myself.

So no, this isn’t a recap per se, it’s more of a Cliff Notes version of what went down last night. ( << Go ahead, insert your own Honeymoon Suite joke here.)

You should know that I’ve done extensive research this morning (hence the late post. Actually that’s partially a lie. Since school was cancelled – again – I slept until after 9. I hope they never go back to school again). Anyway, I read this account over on my favorite site Entertainment Weekly about the 84 year old super fan who got to attend the nuptials and learned a lot of juicy tidbits of what we didn’t see on camera. — HOLD ON JUST A SECOND. A super fan got to attend the nuptials and it wasn’t me? I guess when I’m still doing this in 40 years my time will come. Don’t even think I’m kidding about that, that The Bachelor will still be on and that I’ll still be watching. — Anyway, I discovered some fun facts from that article that I’d suspected as I was watching (which if you’re a fan you should check out by clicking that link to the article up there), but here’s my LOWEdown on the event (see what I did there?):

• A lot of Bachelor alums were there looking lovely and happy and like they’d all just emerged from their tanning beds, but WHERE THE HELL WAS JUAN PABLO??

• The back stories and clips of Sean and Catherine’s “journey” were all adorable and made me forget how toolish he can be and reaffirmed how adorkable she is. No denying it, these two are head over heels in love. 12 yo and 18 yo kept yelling “Stop it!” at the TV because it was so damn cute how in love they are. And then 12 yo and 18 yo started yelling “Stop it!” at the TV because

• THEY KEPT SHOWING US THE HONEYMOON SUITE — no, THE HONEYMOON BED — in the corner of the screen every time Sean or Catherine would talk about their choice to wait until marriage to have sex — which was A LOT. We even got to see the hotel maids making the bed up and getting it all ready. For the sex. Really, ABC? We get it. You’re pimps. WE KNOW. But honest to Harrison, this was kind of crossing a voyeuristic line. IN A BIG WAY. And also? Unless you’re gonna show us something actually happening on that bed you’re wasting our time. And yeah I did just say that.

• We got to travel with Sean as he went to a lingerie store to shop for tiny and see through things without bottoms and things made entirely of straps (that he didn’t know existed) and talk to the lady about Catherine, who’s “kinda chesty”, wearing them.

Clearly overwhelmed at the choices, he decided to go with the theory that “less is more” and told the world that even though some of the outfits were a little intense, he’s “up to try it out.” Yeah, after 14 months? I’ll bet you are, buddy.

He left the store with a spring in his step and a little jump. Cut to corner shot of Honeymoon bed just sitting there…waiting.

Good lord, ABC. You whore.

• Catherine unwrapped the wisps of lace IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS and they had a lovely and giggly conversation about WHICH ONE SHE’D WEAR ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.

The three cameramen voted for the red one.

And then, THEN, when she wasn’t talking about “grown sexy” (her wedding theme, not what would be happening after the reception, but still — kinda the same thing) she took his precious gifts and had boudoir photos taken of herself wearing them to give to him as a gift and mentioned that they’re “fancy icing”for her body and that she wasn’t actually planning on wearing anything. Listen, totally on board with all this, JUST NOT FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO SEE OR KNOW thankyouverymuch. Swear to god, I felt like I was in their Honeymoon suite with them. Oh, wait. THAT’S BECAUSE ABC KEPT SHOWING IT TO ME SO I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

I’m not gonna lie. When I woke up this morning the first thing I thought about was how THEY’D DONE IT. Finally.

Thanks a lot, ABC. It took three cups of coffee, some jumping jacks and one and a half pop-tarts to erase that image from my mind.

• The wedding (yeah, there was actually a wedding amidst all the talk of what was going to happen after the wedding) was really lovely despite being overdone with too many white roses; but apparently 50,000 white roses and some mis-matched vintage chairs and heavy chandeliers that looked dangerously close to tipping over and killing half of Bachelor nation is “grown sexy”. Catherine was stunning. The vows were sweet (and kudos to them for memorizing them and not pulling out a sheet of paper) and the confetti canons that shot white rose petals (duh) as they walked up the aisle were a fun touch. Seeing Sean break down as they made their way through the guests was sweet, and put into perspective how even though a bazillion people were watching (or the 500 who weren’t watching The Grammys) it was real to them. Or perhaps he was crying because he knew that he still had to get through three hours of reception before making his way to that Honeymoon bed. Either way, it was sweet.

Congratulations! We know you will be very happy.
Especially in about four hours.

I’m gonna leave it at that.
I have another tidbit of good Bachelor juice for you but will save it for tomorrow. Honestly you guys, there’s only so much of this that (even) I can take in a 48 hour period.

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  • The Dose of Reality - The wedding was just SO GOOD, right. Watching Sean at La Perla was probably one of the saddest, most awkward things I have ever seen. P.S. I feel like Catherine might be in for a bit of disappointment when she realizes that he is a lights out, missionary style man. Just saying. Also, dude, how were we not invited?! It is travesty. I mean, sure, good for Nana. Blah, blah, blah.-AshleyReplyCancel

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