• Today was YMFT’s TWO YEAR BLOGIVERSARY, so obviously — Mascot Appletini.
• I re-pulled the same damn muscle in my back for the third time in two weeks and cannot bend over, cough, sneeze or laugh without pain or find a comfortable position to sleep. Rx Appletini.
• The Academy Awards went over by 30 minutes. I started watching E’s red carpet coverage over six hours ago. And the winner of most deserved drink? Appletini.
So you see.
This year I had high hopes, and they were all pinned on this gal.
I was certain, absolutely certain, she’d knock it out of the park.
I don’t say this often, so listen closely.
I was wrong.
And I’m disappointed.
The only thing Ellen delivered tonight was pizza.
I know about 95% of the viewers will disagree with me (hell, even the people who didn’t watch probably disagree with me). I get it. Ellen can do no wrong. And I still love her madly. But I won’t be pressured into the mob mentality of that thought this time and will just say it: I thought she was just ‘meh’ as the host. *ducks to avoid hurling tomatoes*
But first things first. Let’s critique the fashion. And as a woman who has been sitting on her ass in a stretched out pair of yoga pants with dirty hair and a cardigan with a few splotches of artichoke dip on it for the past six+ hours, I’m certainly fit to judge.
Just so ya know.
Happily (and surprisingly), for the first time in a long time, I didn’t see anyone’s dress I hated. Blame the Appletinis or the euphoria of the blogiversary, but I’m feeling the love tonight.
As you know, I’m obsessed with her.
This dress is insane. She looks the very essence of a Frozen princess.
She’s one of my best friends, did you know that?
She is. Along with Jennifer Garner and Lauren Graham. They just don’t know it, but if they did they’d totally be on board and come over to crochet and watch Friday Night Lights with me.
Anyway, Sandy (I can call her that) was looking stunning. Perfection from her hair to the color of her dress. And as long as I’m giving props to my besties…
Jen was looking insane as well.
Girlfriend cleans up well.
And then there’s these women –
Kate – I hate her. I hate her because SHE’S UNREAL and I’m jealous. That little cape thing on her dress? Swoon. And let’s hear it for flat chested girls who can rock the navel plunge without fear of a wardrobe malfunction! Right, Lupita?
Lupita – She can do no wrong. I love her. I even love her sternum. That color on her skin is divine. The headband threw me for a moment, but I forgave her because she’s ridiculous. I honestly am obsessed with this woman. Someone stage a Lupita intervention, STAT.
Cate – This is how you show up to the Oscars. Glamourous, classy perfection.
Jennifer – Bold in red. Rocking a backwards necklace for the second year in a row. Tripping over her dress for the second year in a row. Unfortunately, not winning for the second year in a row (you know what I mean), but since it was Lupita who beat her I’m okay with that.
Angelina – Showing off her new rack. We get it. They’re spectacular.
This is how you do a ‘little black dress’.
Well, look who’s all grown up and looking lovely. Fellow 20-something actresses, take note.
Everyone else who is pregnant or who has ever been? Kerry Washington apologizes.
But the winner for prettiest girl at the show?
On with the show.
So why wasn’t I feeling Ellen tonight, you ask?
• The opening. Sure, her jokes were funny and delivered in perfect Ellen style, but I was expecting and looking forward to the typical Oscars’ Best Movie mash-up, and disappointed when there wasn’t one. She’d have knocked that out of the park.
• The emceeing from the audience — all the time. It was too informal for the Oscars and too improv. I thought there were a few times she didn’t really know what she was going to say. And speaking of informal, the pizza gag was a ridiculous bit for the Oscars, not to mention they played off Oscar winners to have time for it. Congrats! You just won an Oscar! Sorry you can’t take the full 42 seconds to thank the people who helped you because Ellen needs to collect money for the pizza guy in Pharrell’s stupid hat for two minutes. Ridiculous.
Let’s get to the Awesome and Awkward, shall we? I’m fading fast and my martini glass is empty.
Awesome – Ellen’s opening navy blue tux with the floppy bow’d shirt she stole from my 1978 closet.
Awkward – The Liza Minelli joke in the opening that was funny, but fumbled and fell flat.
“When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every little child that no matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid.”
Awkward – When the pizza man arrived immediately after and the moment was gone in a puff of pepperoni and sausage.
(Actually, because I loathe John Travolta, that moment was seriously Awesome.)
Awesome – Ellen in this dress
That’ll do it for this year.
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