The Bachelor recaps: Get ready to plow

The Bachelor Recaps


That’s right, my Bachelor lovin’ friends. After taking annoying Andi’s season off due to a crazy spring schedule (and by “crazy spring schedule,” I mean “zero interest in watching”) I’ve decided to once again drive your Bachelor bus down the highway of heartbreak, ridicule, and regret for the next three months and recap all the hilariousness, hysteria, and hookups.

courtney


You are welcome.

Buckle up and hang on, folks, because even though Farmer Chris may very well be the most normal bachelor we’ve seen since the likes of Bob Guiney, we all know that it’s the ladies who bring the entertainment.

As I’ll be doing for you all season long, I’ve taken a bullet and spent about an hour reading the press and researching the 30—yes, THIRTY— contestants who will be out-cleavaging, out-crying, out-drinking, out-over-accessorizing, and out-hoeing all the others in the effort to win the heart of our Prince Farming (I wish I could take credit for that moniker, but ABC beat me to it).

bachelor contestants


And you know what I discovered? I mean, besides the fact that about 95% of the ladies have the exact same hairstyle, questionable taste in fashion, and breasts that defy logic?

Nothing.

Well, except a very common—and legit—concern.

Because guess what not one, not two, but TOO MANY of the ladies listed as their biggest date fear?

brittany1

tara

Trina

kelsey

becca

Although, let’s be honest, that would be a huge bummer on a first date.

Especially one accompanied by a television crew.

But besides a few other gems like this cruise-ship singer’s must-have item …

carly

… or this girlfriend who clearly isn’t playing with a full deck …

Kaitlyn

… there weren’t any standouts.

And because I didn’t watch (much of) Andi’s season, I’m not too familiar with Farmer Chris.

So I googled him. And found this photo.

guns
And now I kind of want to punch him.

So while I’ll admit that I’m not too hyped up to begin this (non) compelling journey with Farmer finger guns and the poop princesses, I’m gonna do it.

Because really, there’s not much else on TV that’s as enjoyable as moments like this –

des

(Sorry, Des, but the whole Brooks thing was a beautiful disaster. But super glad things are still going great with your second choice!)

Now for the bad news —

Are you sitting down?

I won’t be able to watch the premiere this Monday night, so no recap for week one.

crying

Ees okay! LOOK AT ME!

We all know episode 1 is all about the ugly-ass pageant dresses and awkward introductions anyway, so I don’t think I’ll be missing much.

backflip


Damn. On second thought, I’m kind of bummed to have to miss it.

Nevertheless, I won’t be able to watch, but here’s a quick, YMFT-patented game of “three words” with what I’m sure will happen:

Harrison looks spiffy.
Bachelor has nerves.
Bachelor is hopeful.
Bachelor is ready.
Driveway is wet.
Limos pull up.
Dresses are ugly.
Girls all squeal.
Girls are fools.
Girls get drunk.
Girls get pissed.
Girls get jealous.
Girls get catty.
Bachelor is overwhelmed.
Bachelor gives roses.
Loser girls cry.
Rose girls toast.
Drunk girls vomit.

That outta cover it.

I promise to meet you right back here, Tuesday, January 13 (post time TBA) for the recap of episode 2.

And if you’re new to the blog and want to see what all this recap madness is about, catch up in the recap archives, where you’ll find all the recaps of both Des and Juan Pablo’s journeys.

Let’s do this.

toasting

Hey, look! It’s Alfalfa!

 



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  • NinaN - Prince Farming??? That is sooooo corny. I’m with you on skipping episode 1. Such a drawn out snooze fest. But I’m super excited that you are taking one for the team and recapping again!!!ReplyCancel

  • Teri - I will continue my tradition of NOT watching the show but keeping up with it via your hilarious recaps every week. Don’t like to shake things up, and besides, the show can’t be NEARLY as entertaining as your recaps. Keep them coming!!!ReplyCancel

  • Stacey Warner Hatton - What’s with the broad doing the drunk gymnastics? Lol. Looking forwRd to your view!!ReplyCancel

  • Leanna - Yay!! I have been waiting for your reviews!! You nailed it but you missed a set of three words “crazy came back”ReplyCancel

  • Kristen Daukas - So I have only watched the FIRST Bachelorette (with TRISTA!!) but one of my clients was a finalist for this one (#39.. 14 away from the magical 25) so I was morbidly curious but really didn’t want to watch. Lucky for me my intern is a 21YO who LOVES the show and texted me the highlights (or lowlights) to me but when she got to the ONE ginger who made the cut, standing there with a PIG SNOUT I almost lost my cookies. Thinking about doing a commentary based on Gracie’s texts…ReplyCancel

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