‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Every Farmer Needs a Hoe*

*Credit for this episode’s title is given to my 13-year-old, who cracks herself up by saying it every episode. Have to hand it to her; it’s a good one, and I figured the Fantasy Suite date one was the appropriate place for it to land. 

Before I begin, let me assure all of you concerned that I am fine.

You guys, I started The Bachelor tonight at 9:15 — the exact time when I should have been writing this recap. 

Why?
Because EKG.

It’s a long and stupid story that begins with me having three hours of burning pain in my left arm coupled with the fact that my husband is out of town which leads me (an admitted hypochondriac) to imagine myself stroking out in the middle of the night only to be discovered by my 13-year-old at 7 a.m. … and ends with me spending over two and a half hours in Urgent Care only to be told that I probably have a tweaked nerve.

If you look in the dictionary tonight under the word “idiot,” here’s what you’ll find:

But never fear, my friends, no threat of heart attack (or tweaked nerve) will keep me away from my recapping duties! Sure, the fact that it is now 11:00 instead of 9:00 and I cannot write it tomorrow morning because I have an actual paying deadline to meet will certainly make this recap extremely abbreviated, but it was a stupid and boring episode anyway so it was a win-win for all of us.
Except for — [spoiler alert] — Kaitlyn.

Grab a sarong, beware of the monkeys, and let’s go.

*RECAPPER’S NOTE*
This recap will be primarily in note form, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching and it will be way too much work to make it all into paragraphs. 
You are welcome.
Writer’s discretion — and unapologetic judgements — of those who have chosen to open themselves up to ridicule is definitely involved.
You’ve been warned. 

Starting things off and moving things along with my patented game of “three words,” because it’s now 11:30 p.m. and the stress this recap is causing me is starting to make my right arm hurt.
(Don’t complain or I’ll take this recap away from you as fast as Kaitlyn’s hopes and dreams got taken away from her tonight.)

Gang’s in Bali.
Budget got bumped.
Chris is pumped.
Dating three girls.
Bali is hot.
Everyone is sweaty.
Monkeys are scary.
Chris is confused.
Girls are easy.
All except one.

There ya have it — the first hour and a half of the show.

Other than the fact that Kaitlyn and Whitney’s shorts were giving me a yeast infection just by looking at them (seriously girls, you do not wear tight denim shorty shorts in 100% humidity)  the first two dates were snore-ing.

Monkeys, temples, boats, swimming, dinners, limp hair, “surprise” Fantasy Suite date cards which led to a night of “talking” without cameras around — I’ll admit, my 13-year-old viewing buddy and I were more interested in who could eat more Cheezits than the other (I could, btw).

Really, the most interesting moment is when Whitney turns the feminism clock back about 50 years and tells Chris that she would give up the cool career she’s worked so hard for and move to Arlington to have his babies.

But then came Becca.
Well, not really.

Chris and Becca go to a temple where they can ask local elders all the questions.
Becca: Any advice for our date tonight?
Elders: Umm, check for residue?
Fine, they don’t really say that, but you know it’s totally solid advice.
What they really say in response is “making the love” which makes no sense in the context the question was asked in, but whatever.
Everyone laughs nervously and Becca loses all her bowels from nerves.

Here’s my take on Becca and Chris:

You guys, there is no chemistry between them.
Like noooone.
Zilch.
They tell us they are into each other but from where I’m sitting it looks like they are just tolerating each other.
Even when having their “very serious dinner conversation” and start to throw the L word around they say it like it tastes bad.

When the Farmer pulls out the Fantasy Suite card she tells him she’d love to have time to “talk” to him.
The moment of truth comes and Becca prefaces her big reveal with an entire, nervous speech about how they’ve been honest with each other and how she needs to share something major.
Takes a deep breath.
Pauses.
Pauses.
I’ll be honest, Becca’s nervousness and the humongous deal they’ve made of this is giving my 13-year-old all sorts of mixed messages.
Not like letting her watch this show hasn’t done that already, I do realize, but she’s understandably questioning why it’s such a big deal to be a virgin.
“IT’S NOT!” I shout and then make her watch 14 episodes of 19 Kids And Counting.

Becca finally musters up the nerve to get it out. “I’m a virgin,” she meekly mumbles.
Chris (on the outside): Um, I’m glad you told me … I’d be lying if I said it surprises me, but I think it says a lot about who are.
Chris (on the inside): Phew. Because after the rollicking nights I’ve just had with Kaitlyn and Whitney I AM WIPED.

Waking up the next day, Chris is more confused than ever and is consumed by anguish over his impending decision.
HE CARES SO DAMN MUCH.
Falling in love with multiple girls and terrified to send the wrong woman home, he calls on Yoda Harrison for clarity.

Yoda Harrison: Important with you Becca shared.
Chris: After our FS date I know she’s somebody who I can definitely see being the right one for me.
Yoda: Kaitlyn what about?
Chris: I can see us having a great life together! Plus, she’s a monkey in bed.
Yoda: Whitney in love with?
Chris: Doesn’t feel right to say it yet, but I’m confident when push comes to shove I’ll be able to move ahead.
Yoda: Headed in the right direction you.

Rose ceremony at the temple.

Chris is going with his gut, and addresses the ladies who are wearing ABC issued traditional temple garb.

Chris: I’m lucky to be here with all of you. It was a great but most heart wrenching week. Some of you put out… some of you didn’t. I mean, who can blame a guy for being confused?

Pulls Becca aside to speak to her.
Whitney and Kaitlyn high five.

But Chris isn’t releasing the virgin, instead they talk about how they don’t want the mysterious (to us), troubling conversation they had in the suite to be how they end things. They are falling in love with each other and want to keep having conversations and OMG I cannot stand to listen to their monotone voices and look at their blank expressions any longer or else I will fall the eff asleep. 

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is totally optimistic that Becca is going home and because the ABC editors put in her soundbite where she admits to being happy about it we know she’s moments away from the limo of tears.

First rose to Whitney, second to Becca.
Walking out, Kaitlyn is consumed by her bitch face.

Chris (whispering to a PI-ISS-ISSED off Kaitlyn): This was the most excruciating week for me! I had to make a haaaard decision for me! It’s so hard and excruciating! I’m scared! I was scared all week! I didn’t even get laid last night! FEEL SORRY FOR ME, DAMMIT!
Kaitlyn: —

There’s predictable crying in the limo, but not as much as I expected.
My money’s on Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette, which I WILL NOT BE WATCHING SO DON’T EVEN ASK.

Next week is “Women Tell All.” Since I do not ever recap that because it is two hours of nonsense (not unlike what I just watched, but still, despite what you think, I do have principles), I’ll see ya back here in two weeks for the unforgettable final rose.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to rip off EKG tabs from my chest and call it a night!

*Shameless plug alert*
Starting Sunday night I will be recapping this awesome new ABC show for Entertainment Weekly – Secrets & Lies – which stars the always easy-on-the-peepers Ryan Phillippe. Catch the two hour premiere Sunday, March 1st and make sure to check EW.com after the show for my take on it!

 

For previous recaps, click HERE, and if you enjoy what you read, I’d appreciate you hitting the Facebook ‘like’ button and sharing the link! 
Comment below [SPOILER FREE ZONE] and let’s get talkin’.