‘The Bachelor’ recap: Show him everything you’ve got

 

Are you reading this, Chris Harrison? Good. Because I’m about to say something that I don’t say very often. Something that I’m quite sure I haven’t said at all in the past six or seven years —
You were right.

This episode may very well have been one of the most compelling in Bachelor history.
(And even if Harrison didn’t preface this particular episode with that well-worn description, he’s said it so often it still works here. And also, he does too read this blog. At least in my mind he does. Shhhhh.)

You guys, there were so many OMG moments in this episode — good, ridiculous, and downright awkward — that I’m still exhausted, and it’s 12 hours later.
So let’s all stop Googling Jade and get to recapping, shall we?

(Be honest, you Googled her, didn’t you?)

*RECAPPER’S NOTE*
This recap will be primarily in note form, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching and it will be way too much work to make it all into paragraphs. 
You are welcome.
Writer’s discretion — and unapologetic judgements — of those who have chosen to open themselves up to ridicule is definitely involved.
You’ve been warned. 

Good lord, there’s still a one-on-one date from Sunday we need to see.
It’s with Becca, who “likes to take things slow.”
We knooow.
Gorgeous Becca, who has made the unfortunate wardrobe choice of a bright yellow peplumed top and black leggings, goes to the loft Chris is staying in while in Des Moines.
Another sucktastic date.
I love Becca. I do.
I love that she’s real and true and has more self-respect than just about anyone I can remember seeing on this show.
But Becca is boring.
It’s true.
I don’t get a strong sense of…shall we say…personality from her.
And I’m assuming the ABC people agree, because we only see like two minutes of their entire one-on-one date.

I get three things from this date:

1. Chris mentions that the small town dates have been a good way for them to see how things would be in the “real world”… and also because ABC is in obvious financial distress.
Actually, his point about the “real world” is a good one and almost makes me take back some of the snarky comments about the crappy dates I’ve made. Almost.

2. Becca tells Chris she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how it’s supposed to feel, and again tells us (not Chris) that she’s a virgin.
“THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU COME ON THIS SHOW??” I yell at that sweet girl for the 86th time.

3. No matter how fancy your camera angles are, Des Moines buildings at sunset will still look like Des Moines buildings at sunset.

Back at the Renaissance, the girls are hanging out on the couch in 80’s workout wear, and Britt drops the bomb that she’s gonna leave before the rose ceremony.
Through gigantic crocodile tears, Britt tells the others (who by this point don’t even try to hide their contempt for her) that since Chris didn’t validate her with the date rose, she’s packed up and is outta there.
Carly basically calls her out as a liar. “So you’re going home and nothing he can say will change your mind?”
Britt: Well…..I mean I’m probably most likely going home.
Carly:

 

Cocktail party/Rose ceremony – 

The girls gather in a Des Moines mansion in an assortment of Barbie doll dresses (but really), and Harrison arrives to drop the “no cocktail party” bomb.
Britt loses her shit.
No time to give her dramatic speech! No time for the tearful responses to Chris’s certain pleas for her to stay!
Just as Chris begins the old Bachelor trademarked speech about starting to fall in love and having really tough decisions (seriously, you know that’s a script that is actually written down for them to memorize by now), Britt cuts him off and asks to talk to him outside.
The girls are pretty much overjoyed at this development, and gather to tick off Britt’s violations while lighting the torches you know they’ll be holding high above their heads as Chris marches her out.

Britt apologizes to Chris for her freak out, but somehow manages to turn things around so it seems like Chris is the one who called her back there.

Britt: I called you out here to see if you still needed to talk to me? I mean, surely you wanted to tell me giving that rose to that bitch Kaitlyn was a mistake and you love MEEE the very most and are still going to give me a rose tonight, rigghht?
Chris: Um, yeah, no. Buh-bye.

After selling Carly out by telling Britt she was the one who told him she was lying about loving Arlington (DUDE!), Chris walks her out (no torches seen).
Britt breaks into hysterical sobs and collapses on the curb, and you can tell Chris is a little bit disconcerted.
Playah got played, and playah knows it.

After composing himself, Chris returns to the ladies and tells them that he sent Britt home because he ultimately couldn’t trust her.
Chris: I’m not playing games. Be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you.
Um, I’m a virgin.
Um, I posed for Playboy.
Um, my dog humps sock monkeys.
SAYS NO ONE IN THE ROOM.

Everyone gets roses except sweet, funny Carly, who breaks down in the exit limo and starts doing the “what’s wrong with me” speech and wondering if she’ll ever find love.
This show is seriously effed up.

The four remaining—who all seem like nice, fun girls (snore-ing), and who also seem like genuinely good friends, which will make the Fantasy Suite thang all the more awkward— toast to hometowns.
Grab a sombrero, here we go.

 

Shreveport, LA – Becca

Chris loves a lot of things about Becca, but probably not the sleeves on that red tablecloth she has tied on her bare shoulders.
After spending the afternoon looking for alligators in a swamp, they go meet the fam, and we are reminded by just about every one of them that —
BECCA IS AS PURE AS A DUGGAR.
Basically.
Chris is understandably intimidated by everyone making sure to tell him that he’s the first dude she’s ever — EVER — brought home and that they’ve never — NEVER — seen her around a guy or even touch a guy.
Give this poor girl a break, already.
Then the sister, who I’m kind of getting a Khloe Kardashian vibe from, tells him Becca is NOT an intimate person by any means. She’s not affectionate AT ALL.
Basically blows the whistle on her virginity.
Bitch.
Mom reinforces Khloe’s message, because she saw him *gasp* holding hands with her.
She tells him not to do that with Becca if he’s doing it with other girls, too.
Um, but really, has no one in this family SEEN THIS SHOW??
“Don’t break my daughter’s heart,” the mom tells Chris, which is smart and sweet and makes me want to give her a hug for being so naive.

Chris, who you totally know totally knows about Becca’s never played V-card: It’d be really great to be the guy Becca’s been waiting for.

Not sure if he’s talking about “the guy” as in “in general” or if he means himself, but if he does mean himself, and if he means it in a totally non-creepy and non-Dude-I-popped-her-cherry-! kind of way?
Awwwww.

As they’re kissing goodbye, Chris whispers, “come with me” and takes her to the State Fair, which is closed, but open just for them, because ABC.
They ride the ferris wheel and kiss and it’s like a scene from a movie.
Becca goes all Whitesnake on us and wonders if this is love she’s feeling.
I’m going with nausea from the two bottles of wine she’s consumed today, but sure, love sounds good, too.
They’re cute, no question.
BRB, I need to get this design sent off to Zazzle.

 

Chicago, IL — Whitney

“Whatd’ya say we go make a baby?” Whitney asks him after the obligatory-jump-into-arms-wrap-legs-around-waist greeting.
(Show of hands — who does that in real life?)

Whitney takes Chris to the fertility clinic where she works and lets him mess around with inserting sperm into eggs.
You know, letting the farmer mess with HUMAN LIVES.
“I make corn,” Chris reminds us, as if we needed another reason to fear for every baby born in Chicago from about December to February of next year.

Taking Chris into the spank room (I forgot what they call it, but “spank room” sounds about right), they tease him into thinking they want him to give them some of his juice.
Looking around at the wipeable chair, the cup, the TV, and the stack of Playboys, he’s worried.
“Hey, look! It’s Jade!” he says as he spots a friendly “face,” and happily changes his mind.

Not really, there’s no time for that, because it’s time to meet Whitney’s special family.
Whitney begs her sister to give Chris her blessing, but she refuses to do it unless Chris can look her in the eyes and tell her that Whitney is THE ONE.
“I don’t want my little sister to be one of four. Call me when you have that for her,” she tells him.
It’s what Andi’s dad told Juan Pablo, and I said it then and I’ll say it again, THAT IS THE BEST AND ONLY ANSWER THAT SHOULD BE GIVEN TO THAT QUESTION.
Period.

Back at Whitney’s condo, she shows him an expensive bottle of wine she bought in Napa to save and share with the man she knew she was going to marry.
DON’T OPEN THAT BOTTLE! I scream as she opens it.
They enjoy the Husband Wine while watching her tiny dog hump a sock monkey on the floor.
How special.

Phoenix, AZ — Kaitlyn

There’s some rapping in a music studio that is so pointless and awful it’s making me angry, so I think it’s best to skip it.

At Kaitlyn’s mom and stepdad’s condo (they’re from Canada but are Arizona snowbirds), the parents and step-parents all go out onto the fabulous patio for dinner.
You guys, I’ll be honest. I’m so distracted by the incredible gas fire pit table that I really don’t pay attention to much of anything else except Googling a photo of it and adding it to my “Napa retirement” Pinterest board.
I need that patio table.

Katilyn’s mom asks her a lot about the condition of her heart.
She tells her mom she can see a future.
She “hearts” him, she says.
Gag.
But Mom is giddy for her! She’s a little new-agey but wonderfully goofy and happy and I have to say, I like her (despite her non-skepticism, which is just stupid).

After dinner, Kaitlyn surprises Chris with an electronic billboard that says “KAITLYN HEART CHRIS” (no, really, there was a big, red heart between their names).
He’s so excited about her fifth grade declaration of love heart that he tickles her uvula with his tongue.
“WHAT ABOUT THE FERRIS WHEEL? WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND WINE?” I shout.
Whore.

Gering, NE – Jade

Chris reminds us that he really feels like Jade is the girl next door.
Hold on.

Jade tells us that her Playboy secret has ruined past relationships for her; that it would be devastating if it ruined this one.
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM INSTEAD OF US.
Oh, that’s right. And Carly.

Chris talks a lot about Jade’s small town values. A lot.
I mean, it’s like these ABC editors knew about her photo spread (pun intended) or something.
Good grief.

After talking to her dad and brothers Chris feels like there’s something he doesn’t know about Jade.
YA THINK?
And btw, how gross is it to realize that her dad and brothers know ALL THE THINGS about Jade?

Jade tells her dad there’s something in Chris that’s really right for her and he says some sweet things to her and they somehow manage to look each other in the eyes, which just blows my mind.

Jade finally musters up the courage to tell Chris.
She’s ridiculously nervous.
Apparently she gets judged a lot for it.
Time out:
I’m sorry, I’m really to believe there’s guys out there who don’t think what she did is like the coolest thing in the world? 
Time in:
So they go to Chris’s hotel room.
Naturally.

Jade: “I think there’s some things about me that would surprise you.”
She then proceeds to set up the news with waaaay too many words, which you know was making Chris wonder a million things.
Hidden kid?
Crazy ex?
Really a dude?

Jade: When I first moved to LA I was approached to pose for Playboy…and I did.
Chris:

Jade: If you want… I don’t know…  I could show you some of them?
Chris: 

If you want?
If you WANT??

But really, this is his reaction (like it would be anything but):

BEST. HOMETOWN. DATE. EVER.

Chris: I mean, this is about you, but if it makes you feel more comfortable, then sure.

You guys know I often make up dialogue in these recaps, but swear to god, HE SAID THAT.
AND SHE DOES.

I have to feel for the guy. He’s trying so hard (no pun intended) to not look, but can’t not look.
He’s trying so hard not to look like a pervert, but also doesn’t want to seem impolite, being the good gentleman he is.
But seriously, what’s he supposed to say? Nice rack? They can wax there??

Just when he didn’t think he things could get any more uncomfortable, Jade starts playing A VIDEO of her undressing.
“Um…yeah, there you go! Taking off your pants!” he mumbles, while Jade sits there grinning as she watches herself.

Chris: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to sit here on this couch for about 29 more minutes before I’ll be able to stand up. And also, anyone have a towel?

Jade leaves, and the ABC crew opens a bottle of Johnny Walker and gathers around the laptop that she leaves sitting on Chris’s table.

Rose ceremony (back in Iowa) –

Roses immediately to:
Whitney
Kaitlyn
*dramatic pause*

Husband: This is tough, not sure I can call it. These last two have red flags.
13-year-old: What? Virgin and nude?

Good grief. It’s time for her to go to bed.
Two hours ago.

Husband: I’d keep the nude.

Him too.
Wait. Scratch that. Stay where I can see you, mister.

LAST ROSE….
Chris goes virgin.

As expected, Jade is crushed.
Chris: I think you are photogenic an amazing woman. Things with other girls just moved faster.

“You’ve been a gift to me,” Chris tells her.
Yeah, a gift that will keep on giving…and giving….and giving….

Hugs Jade goodbye.
As long as there’s Google, however, it will never really be goodbye, will it?

Husband: Jade should totally be the next Bachelorette. What better way to start a season than when all 25 guys who show up have already seen you naked?

Then Chris—along with most of the men in America—sheds some tears over his decision to send the Playboy model home.

“I think I showed him everything I could,” Jade cries in the exit limo.
Well said, sweetheart. Well said.

 

For previous recaps, click HERE, and if you enjoy what you read, I’d appreciate you hitting the Facebook ‘like’ button and sharing the link! 
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