Sleeping Beauty. I wish.

I love to sleep.

Actually, that’s an understatement, but I can’t think of another word besides “love” that conveys the message more.

I cherish sleep? Worship sleep?

Yeah, those too.

It’s true. My mother tells me that when I was a little girl, a bedtime wasn’t necessary. In fact, I’d often ask her how much longer it was until I could go to bed at night.

I was a remarkably perfect child.

Naptime? Yes, please.

My answer to the often asked question, “Are you a morning person or a night person” is “neither.”

I could happily sleep for 10 hours at night and still take an hour’s nap around 4:00.

I’m serious. When I look ahead at my week and plan out my days, I panic if I can’t find at least 45 minutes somewhere in each day to squeeze a nap in—even if it’s at 9:00 a.m.

I panic a lot.

And I also don’t get a lot done.

I once had a friend who couldn’t nap. Not because she didn’t have the time, but because she literally could not fall asleep during the day.

I’ve never felt so sorry for someone before in my life.

Over the past year I’ve been suffering from insomnia.

It’s been the cruelest year imaginable.

Seriously, I’d rather have Mono. At least then I’d get to sleep.

One doctor’s advice for being able to get to sleep at night was to ixnay the naps.

I found another doctor. Obviously.

You might imagine how having babies just about did me in. “Sleep when the baby does,” people would advise me.

Um, duh.

When each of them began sleeping for six hour stretches, no one understood why I wasn’t elated.

I was waiting for 10.

All this brings me—finally—to my point today.

My impending divorce.

Just kidding. It’s just a temporary separation. As in, for about six hours a day (or night).

A few years ago, many years after my grown girls—and me—had been sleeping deliciously through the night, my husband started snoring.

And by “snoring,” I mean I-may-as-well-be-sleeping-next-to-a-motorcross-speedway.

If you’ve been following along, you may remember I’ve vented complained written about this before. Three years ago. That’s right. Three years without a decent’s night sleep. Am I exaggerating? OF COURSE I’M EXAGGERATING.

But not by much. Not by much at all.

If you ask him about the snoring or mention my serious sleep deprivation, however, he’s quick to blame me for being a “light sleeper”.

I know, right?

As if.

As if I could be a light sleeper.

As if I could ever be wrong.

He’s tried a few things to help quiet the beast—nasal strips, sleeping propped up, sleeping on his side, nasal sprays, no beer, more beer—but the only thing that really helps is distance.

As in, one of us sleeps elsewhere: The couch, or, for the past seven months, Thing 1’s vacated room. (Hey, having your kid go away to college has its perks when you have a snoring husband.)

Last night she came home for spring break and claimed her bed, and I, once again, spent my night in the constant cycle of sleep, punch, shake, apprehension, irritation; sleep, punch, shake, apprehension, irritation.

Apprehension that it will start again before I get back to sleep.

Irritation at myself for being right to be apprehesive.

Listen, I know it’s not his fault. It’s not personal. I mean, if I was Sleeping Beauty I’d be mad as hell at that goddammed prince for waking me up.

But let’s face it, I’m not.

Because Sleeping Beauty at least got a good night’s sleep for 100 years.

Sounds delightful.

sleeping beauty

3 Comments

  1. Snarkfest on March 30, 2015 at 8:55 am

    I’m so sorry you deal with that. I, on the other hand, am the loud culprit in my house. It’s hereditary, I got it from my mom, who even at 120 lbs soaking wet snored like a freight train. I use strips. They don’t work. So now I’ve taken to passing out earplugs to everyone who sleeps with me (no, I don’t often sleep with large crowds). Distance will help but ear plugs are a good backup plan, at least for all who sleep with me.

  2. Allyson on June 5, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    OMG, I can so relate! My mom told me that I slept through the night the 1st night they brought me home from the hospital and never looked back. If sleeping was an Olympic sport, I’d have a gold medal. I laughed out loud reading your article. Hilarious stuff!! You have a new fan!

    • Michelle on June 5, 2015 at 5:06 pm

      Kindred spirits!! Thank you! 🙂

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