‘The Bachelor’ finale recap: The Farmer Gets a Wife

Bachelor Finale recap


♫ The farmer gets a wife … the farmer gets a wife … heigh ho the derry-o, the farmer gets a wife! ♫

farmer dance gif

 

You guys, it’s official: Prince farming found his hoe.
I’m not bragging or anything, but I kind of totally called it in week 3.

self five

I did.
Here’s proof [which contains a spoiler if you don’t want to know who wins until the end of this recap] –

She “rolls the calf” like the best of them and is answering everyone’s questions with masterful lies she’s dreaming up on the spot.
Chris is so turned on he can hardly speak.
Or maybe that’s just the whiskey talking.
They take their ruse to the dance floor and do a lot of adorable dances and canoodle and basically FALL IN LOVE before our eyes.
No, maybe not, but they clearly dig each other and talk about how this couple should come to their wedding one day.
Sidenote: Whitney looks amazing (*putting $1 in the jar). She seems cool and genuine and has confidence. I like her. Is her voice irritating? Yeah, but so is mine, and I DESERVED LOVE ANYWAY, DAMMIT.
Easy rose.


I mean, that’s practically prophetic, right?

Fine, maybe not.
Regardless, tonight’s final throw down between the fertility nurse and the virgin (which they reminded us of no less than five or 15 times) was full of uncertainty—Farmer Chris’s and mine—until the final moments.

You guys, I honestly had no idea what the outcome was going to be when the show started. I avoid spoilers like the plague, and practically hung up on Thing 1 when she called me from college yesterday to tell me she knew who he picked. 

Here’s what I thought going into the night: Chris liked Becca more (putting it mildly), but over-emotional Whitney was a sure thing. I mean, she’s been gushing to him for weeks about how much she loooves him and wants to make farmer babies with him — preferably without a petri dish. Choosing Whitney would easily ensure he’d get the outcome he wanted going into this … as long as he was cool with settling for the woman he didn’t love quite as much. (Which sounded exactly like something the farmer we’ve grown to know and endure would do.)

Again, prophetic.

raven gif

[Bonus points if you get this GIF]

But as we were told a billion and three times last night, Chris’s decision wasn’t an easy one.

Let’s see how he got there.

Grab a snack, make a note to call your mother, and let’s go.

*RECAPPER’S NOTE*
This recap will be primarily in note form, b
ecause this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching and it will be way too much work to make it all into paragraphs. 
You are welcome.
Writer’s discretion — and unapologetic judgements — of those who have chosen to open themselves up to ridicule is definitely involved.
You’ve been warned. 

Before I dive into the details, let me say one thing.
Or three.
Harrison brow beats us multiple times with the information that Chris had no idea who he was going to choose until the very final moments.
On the actual day of the proposal, the anguished farmer himself tearfully tells us that he may not propose to anyone today.
Seriously, how would you feel if you were the new fiancée hearing that?
I’ll tell you.
LIKE SHIT is how.

But, like Whitney apparently did, let’s forget we heard that and get to Chris’s journey of confusion and possible regret, which takes us back to the sprawling metropolis Arlington, Iowa.

iowa

Seriously, that’s it.

 

Cue Chris walking across a stretch of barren, snow-covered farmland in what appears to be a temperature that makes men’s balls curl up to die inside of them.
I’ll be honest. Other than the major city 20 minutes away from me and the Target two miles down the road (something that I thank the sweet baby Jesus for on a daily basis), it doesn’t look a lot different that the town I live in.
Hold on while I cry for 27 minutes.

Chris is greeted with hysterics and adoration by his family, who haven’t had this much excitement in their lives since sister Lori got her hair cut and Farmer Dad got a new drill to add to his wall-o-drills in his tool barn.
Mama Soules tells us (in so many words) that she wants Chris to find a wife to birth some kids.
I mean, all those ears of corn ain’t gonna shuck themselves.

Whitney arrives in a plaid shirt dress (because FARM) and a gold statement necklace (because WHITNEY).
After being there for less than 1.8 seconds she gushes about how much she loves him and how there’s nowhere she’d rather be.
The sad thing is, I believe her.
From the moment she enters the Soules-stead, Whitney’s mouth is running.
During dinner, she breaks into an emotional speech about how much she (say it with me now) looooves Chris and how it doesn’t matter where she is and how she has no hesitation because she just wants to be a mom and a wife and LOVE IS THE ANSWER dammit.
Chris chews his cud silently and stares at her while his sisters all cry into their chardonnay.

Later the sisters bring their mini-me (but really) into the other room for “the talk.”
Whitney (again) breaks into tears as she reminds them that she’s an orphan and that she can’t wait to call someone “mom” and “dad” again and be part of a family.
The sisters cry and tell her they already miss her.
Hold on, I think I have some dust in my eyes.
Dammit.

The sisters, all wearing “Team Whitney” tees, ask Chris what the difference is between Whitney and Becca (whom they have not met yet but already have blackballed in their minds).
Chris (talking about Becca): Um….well…she’s, uh, athletic and…uh…charming! Yeah, she’s charming! She can charm the pants off you when you get to know her.
Husband: Actually, I don’t know that that’s ever been proven…

The sisters point out that he came to find a wife, not a girlfriend, and make the obvious observation that their brother has trouble articulating his feelings.
Or his thoughts in general, I’d like to add.

The brothers-in-law agree with the girlfriend thing, and later, in a barn-slash-toolshed that has at least 37 drills hanging on the wall, tell Chris that Becca sounds like the hot girl you see at the bar but are too afraid to talk to.

girl in bar


Farm boys be smart.

Whitney gets some alone time with her new mom, and immediately tells her how much she’s been waiting to call someone mom again.
Mama Soules takes her hands and tells her that she’ll take her and love her like her own daughter.
STAHHHP IT.

ugly cry


That’s it.
If he doesn’t pick Whitney I’ll be her mother, dammit.

The next day Becca arrives for her Soules family visit, but I already don’t care.
I mean, she has a mother, for crying out loud.

Looking too gorgeous to be real, she immediately tells the sisters that she thinks she’s falling in love, but isn’t there yet, and some other things that I honestly don’t hear because my ears as well as my eyes are blinded by her flawless skin and perfect hair.
Becca makes it clear to everyone that she’s not moving to the farm until she knows she’s sure about Chris, and oh, in case they didn’t get it, SHE’S NOT SURE.

Time out for a serious thought from Michelle:
Once again, I have to say that I totally respect the way Becca is and has been playing this game. She’s being honest with herself and everyone else, and she shouldn’t have to feel apologetic for not falling in love in under a month, especially in those circumstances. If they feel something for each other, why should there be a deadline? Why so forced? Why can’t they agree to keep the relationship going without the weight of a proposal? Oh, wait. That’s right. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW THIS GAME SHE SIGNED UP FOR IS PLAYED. Silly me.

Becca tells the sisters that she knows the issues are “all her.”
The sisters express their concerns about Becca’s hesitations to Chris.
Chris says she’s worth the risk.
Sister: She needs to be able to give you something!
Chris: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD HER IN THE FANTASY SUITE!!
Fine, he didn’t say that, but you know it went through his mind.

Btw, the sisters’ wine glasses have changed shape. Seems they’re going through some serious amounts of wine. But then again, there’s not much else to do in the middle of winter in the frozen midwest. 
I mean, I’m assuming.

Mama Soules talks with Becca and tells her her son needs someone who is willing to participate in his life.
You know, shuck corn, endure dial-up internet connection, and watch four cable channels on weekends.
Mama also inexplicably runs her fingers through Becca’s hair when she’s talking to her.

becca hair

I don’t blame her. I’d want to see if it was real, too.

Becca admits she isn’t in love with Chris.
Mama tells her she is.
Becca worries she isn’t.
Mama tells her she is.
24 hours and already throwing foster-daughter Whitney under the bus.

Farmer dad has a prediction: Whitney is a sure thing, but it’s Becca who his son wants and thinks he’ll take the risky path.

raven gif

 

Nice try, Farmer dad, but time will show that you don’t have the gift quite like me (and Raven).

Becca’s last date takes place in a hotel suite in Dubuque, Iowa, where Chris tells us is “the perfect place to relax.”
I’m sorry, and no offense to Dubuque, Iowa, but I can think of at least seven more perfect places.



Becca and Chris sit on the bed and have a conversation that goes [loosely] like this:

Becca: How do you feel?
Chris: I want everything you can give me.
Becca: Well, I think I’ve made that clear. First base … maybe second if I have two glasses of wine.
Chris: I’m struggling.
Becca: Now is not the time to talk about your vocabulary.
Chris: Can you really see yourself with me in Iowa?
Becca: No one could! I want to be with you but I can’t make any promises!
Chris: This is scary and I don’t know how to take it. Why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?
Becca: I don’t know. There’s steps I need to take to get there.
Chris: What are those steps?
Becca: I don’t know! I’ve never been there. Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said??

Again, all the props to Becca for doing the absolute hardest thing she could do in this situation and being honest with herself and with Chris, especially with all the cameras and expectations on her.
But again, NOT THE RULES OF THIS GAME.

I’m not sure who’s feeding him words, but Chris actually starts to ask honest and smart questions about what she could see herself doing in Arlington.
Words that are coherent.
Becca admits she’s scared. Scared of Arlington and scared that if she went there she’d find out it wasn’t right for her.
And with that, she sealed Whitney’s deal.

Whitney’s final date is on the farm, and we see Chris standing in the snowy field waiting for her.

barren


Husband:
Good god. Who would want to go there?
Me: Um, it looks like the field down the street.
Husband: My point exactly.

Whitney gets to ride in the combine tractor with Chris while they harvest some corn, which makes her out of her mind excited.
She can already imagine doing this every day, and bubbles on and on and on and on about how honored she is to share this with him and how beautiful the barren, snow covered farm is.

gag gif

And then he shows her his rambler—”which needs a wife’s touch”—and her head explodes.
You know she’s already moved herself and all of her statement necklaces in before her tour is halfway over.
My god, the woman is so damn excited to move to that farm he really just needs to pick her already.
I mean, shouldn’t that have really been the only qualification?
Will you live here for the rest of eternity and promise not to try to escape? Yes?? Then YOU WIN.
Show over.

Later that night, Chris visits Whitney in her room in Dubuque and takes her hands.
Chris: We have to get some dirt under these little pink nails of yours.
Ladies and gentlemen (or since I’m quite sure my husband is the only dude who reads these recaps, Ladies and husband) – we have a winner.

Then Chris asks her the same question he asked Becca, “What do you see in me?”
Whitney gives him a four page, well-rehearsed answer that a hundred greeting cards could be written from.

Let me remind you of Becca’s answer to that question: “I don’t know.”

Judgment Proposal Day:
Keeping with the lameness of this season and ABC’s slashed travel budget, the final rose will not be given in St. Lucia or Antiqua or Bora Bora, but in IO-freaking-WA.
Neil Lane arrives, shows Chris some rings, and gets the eff out before his Mystic Tan starts to weep off from shock at being in Iowa, and Chris journeys to the barn where he raised his first pig.
Fitting (and fine, pretty damn sweet) that that’s where he’ll propose to his bride.
I cannot imagine where there was room to raise pigs amongst the lanterns and chandeliers, though.

barn

The first limo—the limo of rejection—arrives and Becca steps out looking like Barbie in a long, crushed velvet maroon dress.
Chris starts his “from the moment I met you” speech that goes something like this:
Blah blah something there blah blah someone I could see a future with blah blah I never had doubts.
(Did you get all that, Whitney? No? Whew.)
BUT…he says.
But you didn’t love me back, basically.
You know what that means?

loser gif


Becca leaves graciously in the limo of tears and emotion, but in true Becca from, there are no tears nor emotion.

Whitney arrives looking lovely in a dress that is pretty much the exact one my bridesmaids wore … almost 22 years ago.
As per Whitney, she immediately makes sure to get the first words in and once again tells Chris how much she loves him.
Oh, for the love of god, just end this misery.
Chris finally tells her he loves her and Whitney is all OMGEEE and has a freak out when he gets down on one knee to propose.

proposal


Whitney:
I don’t ever want to forget this moment!!
Husband: You won’t. You can watch it any time.

Then there’s a cute photo op of them sitting in the hay loft watching the sun set over a suddenly snowless field of corn … and dreams.

So there ya have it.
The farmer found a wife.
The girl found a family.
And I have 10 MONTHS until I have to write another Bachelor recap!

farmer dance gif

 

What’s that?
You want to know what happened on After The Final Rose?
Fine, because I won’t get to do this again for awhile, here’s a game of three-words:

Chris can’t speak
Becca looks beautiful
Becca is gracious
Becca learned lessons
Whitney is nervous
Talks too much
Makes little sense
Didn’t watch show
Smart move, Whitney
Chris loved Becca
Settled for you
Because farm wife
Big Bachelorette news
Britt and Kaitlyn
Husband’s head explodes
Bad idea though
Will totally watch
Because obviously [period]

Oh, and perhaps the best soundbite from ATFR?
Harrison, to Chris: What is it about Whitney that you love?
Chris: When I first came on the show I told the producers, Just take a look at my sisters. Pretty much everything they are is what I’m looking for in a woman.

that's gross ellen

Well, that’ll do it for another season of low-standards and self-loathing, folks!
We made it to the other side!
Now, go take a scalding hot shower to wash the regret off you.

And if you’re already missing the Tuesday recaps, I’ve got some good news for you!
Starting next week I’ll be bringing my unsolicited opinions on the new season of Dancing With The Stars to the web pages of Entertainment Weekly!
The recaps won’t be nearly as long (lucky you)—and not nearly as snarky—but I can promise you if I have something to say, I’ll say it.

Check back here next Monday when I’ll be giving you my predictions on all the new “stars” who will be dancing … and yes, our Prince Farming is one of them!

dwts arrows


Dammit.
Why can’t I quit him?

 

For all the previous recaps from this season, click HERE, and if you enjoy what you read, I’d appreciate you hitting the Facebook ‘like’ button and sharing the link! 
Comment below and let’s get talkin’!

10 Comments

  1. Melinda Ann on March 10, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    I applaud you. When I heard the finale was going to be 3 HOURS LONG….I admit, I paused. Seriously, what can they say/do for 3 FREAKING HOURS? But they did. And you did. So bravo to you!!!

    Also, did you notice when Jimmy Kimmel came out and everyone was hugging, I swear I saw Chris take Jimmy’s hand and kiss it! Did you see that? It freaked me out. What the heck, man hand kisisng???? Why?

    Anyway, I think he made the right choice (you’re so relieved I said that, right???). She will make a darling farm wife and he will be happy with help shucking his corn, heh heh.

    And your gif’s were the bomb. I snorted at my desk.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your snark and recaps with the whole wide world and me.

    Melinda Ann

    • Michelle on March 10, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      Thank you…thank you very much. *bowing*
      I agree that Whitney will make a cute farm wife. She certainly seems to be over the moon about the entire package deal. I’m just so, so happy she found a nice family to feel a part of again. You could tell that was missing in her life. Sad.
      Did not notice the hand kissing, but yeah, that’s odd. Maybe he was just so nervous. Or maybe that’s Iowa for hello.
      Thanks for being on this JOURNEY with me. 😉

  2. Snarkfest on March 10, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Another season over. I will miss these recaps and as God as my witness I will never watch the show. There’s no way on God’s green earth that the show will EVER be as good as your recaps.

    That being said, I can’t wait to see what you have in store for DWTS AND I also am really looking forward to Satisfaction!! When I read your Satisfaction recaps, THE WEATHER WILL BE WARM!!!!

    • Michelle on March 10, 2015 at 5:37 pm

      Whoa whoa whoa….let’s take one show at a time there sister. 😉
      As always, THANK YOU for reading this nonsense. And thanks for hopping aboard the DWTS train. I’ll need all the support I can get over there with this one. I have a feeling I might get skewered. 😛

  3. NinaN on March 10, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    Well that really wasn’t a surprise ending, was it? I also recall noticing that Chris seemed to suddenly become very smart/focused/articulate when he was questioning Becca on their last date. Weirdly so. And he didn’t resort to his usual tactic of “I don’t know what to say so I’ll just ram my tongue down her throat.” I also was starting to think that they were trying to set Becca up as the next Bachelorette and that’s what the huge shocker was going to be.

    • Michelle on March 10, 2015 at 5:39 pm

      Oh my lord that would have been a monumental mistake. The virgin as The Bachelorette?!? Pretty sure openness to gettin’ busy is a requirement!
      She’s lovely, sweet, and has great self-respect, but I don’t think she’d say more than three words to any of her dates. Personality is lacking just a bit, don’t you think?
      Thanks for coming along on the journey. 😉 Appreciate you reading, liking, and commenting!! 🙂

  4. Judy George on March 10, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Everything you’ve said about Becca totally resonates with me. So she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know what it feels like – well, a clue would be if she truly wasn’t willing to say goodbye – the fact that she could, without very much emotion, told me she’s not in love with him but I totally respect her for her honesty. I was very surprised that Chris didn’t take BOTH of them for the last date in Arlington (since obviously there is not much budgeted this time around and all TPTB could think was “farm – farm – farm” – I’m from a family of farmers and trust me, they DO go to fun places!) She was probably picturing some little shack amidst all the farm bldgs and animals – his house is awesome and he shared with Whitney how many farms he owns alone and with family. For me it was a dead giveaway when that’s where he took Whitney – although I’ve thought, also, from the start, she was most likely “to succeed”. Arlington may be tiny but it’s only 21 miles from Manchester where there is a 39 bed hospital – as she said – nurses can find work anywhere – 21 miles in IA will take her all of about 15 minutes – all country driving and probably less time than to your major city—–! I’m always hopeful that there will be some more graduates of the show that can make it. But 2 bachelorettes? And that will work……how? And didn’t Britt look 100% better last night? I always loved Katelin and was thinking that maybe the “shock” of the After The Rose was that Chris rethought everything and wanted her instead! Will definitely be watching for your DWTS recaps – so far the cast doesn’t look awesome but I usually think that!

  5. Kayla Lechtenberger Bohlen on March 11, 2015 at 1:18 am

    Bonus Points!!!! That’s so Raven! I too was fascinated by the large number of drills hanging on the wall of the barn. I’ve also never seen a second place “winner” so happy to excite stage left. You always crack me up. Can’t wait to see what you have to say about DWTS.

  6. OneFunnyMotha.com on March 11, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    I think your idea for the show’s winner is the best one I’ve ever heard for that show – who will live there & not try to escape. Loved you’re husband’s commentary.

    How long do you give them? It’s a little sad that he picked what looked like the best option.

    • Michelle on March 11, 2015 at 2:19 pm

      My husband has been my Bachelor-lovin’ sidekick since season 1, I don’t know if that’s a sign that we’re soul mates or just insane. 😛
      I actually think these two might just make it. She seems very gung ho to get on the farm and be part of a family. The only thing I can’t get past is that they seem to be very different – personality wise. BUT they both love a good glass of whisky, so there’s that.

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