So it’s been a whole week since this season’s installment of self-loathing began, and I just got around to watching the three hour, historic Bachelorette premiere with the fam this weekend.
What. The. Hell.
But really, I could’ve saved two hours and 55 minutes of my life and infinitely more self-respect had I just tuned in to the last five minutes of episode two, where we learned two things: Kaitlyn has regrettable sex with one of the dudes and we are all supposed to be mortified because she did it weeks before the much more acceptable and condoned Fantasy Suite night, where there’s plenty of shared fluids, but no regrets.
Dry your crocodile tears, sister. Like we’re shocked.
I mean, if you came to play, then play.
Hey, being aware of the rules doesn’t mean I condone them.
But let’s back up a bit. While I won’t be officially recapping this season, I did promise to give you a “best of” each week if Kaitlyn was the big winner. Ding! Ding! I believe I also let myself off the hook with a specific posting date, which I’m making good on with this extremely tardy post.
Sorry, I was busy getting summer started at the Happy Place (which this time of year will always, always trump even my beloved Harrison).
As far as a “best of” from the two-day, three hour premiere, I don’t have much, and I’ll be honest, this post isn’t that scintillating. Let’s face it, it was mostly filled with Britt and Kaitlyn trying to charm the pants off the group of (mostly decent) guys, and then once a winner was announced it was a quick 180 where the guys were doing everything they could to charm the pants off Kaitlyn (which one yet to be determined guy apparently succeeds at in the coming weeks).
At any rate, here are a few things that made me chuckle, shake my head, spit out my Chardonnay, and—as usual—chiseled away just a bit more of my self-respect.
1. Jekyll and Hyde
Dressed completely opposite, Kaitlyn and Britt were like a real life Jekyll and Hyde. Wearing a white, flowy strapless dress, Britt succeeded in looking like the innocent, girly-girl-of-your-dreams who was just there to find her forever friend.
I didn’t buy it. At. All.
Surprisingly, a lot of the dudes did.
Not surprisingly, it was the Christian songster who fell for her angel act the hardest and who (spoiler alert) chased her down to her hotel later to profess his undying love and devotion.
YOU LIKE JESUS?!?
I LIKE JESUS!!
Kaitlyn, on the other hand, had a serious bad-ass vibe going, even if she was covered from head to toe in sequins. Other than telling a pathetic and groan-worthy knock-knock joke to break the ice, she clearly went in balls to the wall to win this thing, despite telling us every three seconds how nervous she was. The fourteen goblets of Chardonnay she guzzled over the course of the 12 hour party helped calm those nerves, I’m guessing. Seriously, girlfriend can drink.
2. Drunk Ryan
Obnoxious, loud, combative, and “horned up”, the surprise isn’t that he was cast but that they had Harrison throw him out so early in the game. Apparently grabbing the Bachelorette’s ass isn’t allowed until at least date number two. DUH, RYAN.
3. Questionable voting method?
Let’s just let these sound bites write this one for me, shall we?
Namaste Tony, trying to decide who to vote for by laying his hands on the voting vessels: “The energy coming from Britt’s box was pulsating.”
Like she hasn’t heard that before.
Britt: “I’ve got 30 seconds to prove I’m wife material so they can put a rose in my box.”
I hope they removed the thorns.
Ian only wants Kaitlyn: “The process is really just putting a rose in Kaitlyn’s box.”
Get in line, dude.
4. Britt bites the dust
Harrison breaks the news outside on the patio. “I’m sorry, you weren’t the chosen one.”
Harrison: Ees okay! As a consolation, Drunk Ryan is all horned up out front in the hot tub car waiting for you.
Just kidding. But Harrison does walk her out, toss her in a limo, and then knock on the driver’s window, where we hear him whisper, “Take her back to my place.”
5. Ryan Gosling FTW
Shawn already loves Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn already loves Shawn.
Shawn looks a little bit like Ryan Gosling.
I’m already betting that it’s Shawn whom Kaitlyn *whispers* has the shocking pre-Fantasy Suite sex with. I’m actually surprised it didn’t happen during that dusk-to-dawn cocktail party.
Questions I need answered ASAP:
Why does creepy Nick (a.k.a., Andi’s stalker) come for Kaitlyn? And why aren’t there some serious Bachelorette restraining orders against that guy?
Why is Kaitlyn so torn up about sleeping with one of the dudes? And why are they all so shocked and upset? HAVE NONE OF THEM WATCHED THIS
REPREHENSIBLE FABULOUS SHOW?
I mean, let’s just say what we’re all thinking:
Meet ya back here later in the week for what has to be some better material. But if the biggest shock this season is that she sleeps with someone, I’m already bored.
To catch up on recaps from Des’, Juan Pablo’s, and Farmer Chris’ seasons, grab a beverage or three, and click HERE.
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