Bachelorette Bits: Ay yi yi yi

It seems like I’ve opened most of these short recaps this season with an apology, and this week won’t be any different.

I’m sorry to say that I cannot watch next week’s episode until at least next Wednesday night. Maybe even Thursday. Which means I won’t get the bits to you until the end of next week.

tina fey booing

Stop it. I know. From what we saw last night, next week is seriously going to be the most compelling Bachelorette episode like ev-er. We’re all just going to have to take a deep breath and try our best to get through our week standing upright as best we can.

But for now, grab a sombrero and throw on some cowboy boots with whatever the hell you are wearing (but hopefully something with fringe), because we’re going to Texas, ya’ll.

Bachelorette bits

Disclaimer: The following is a condensed representation of actual events that happened on ‘The Bachelorette’.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own…and probably yours as well. 


Before we get to the musical portion of the episode (which has become a regular feature), let’s pick up where we left off last week. To refresh your memory, Nick is walking into the boys’ suite and about to face the firing squad.


1. The People’s Bachelor’s Court

Since all the guys are sitting and leaning on one single couch, Nick walks to the other couch—the completely empty one—which is placed directly across from the couch with 18 guys on it and sits down, and the interrogation begins. (Let the record show that since I still do not remember any of the guys’ names, I will refer to them all as “Bachelor”.)

photo 1.1
Bachelor #1: Why are you here?
Nick: Not to cause drama. (A bit backwards, but sustained.)
Bachelor #2, drinking beer from a wine glass, which is an objection in and of itself: What are your intentions?
Nick: I’m here for Kaitlyn.
Bachelor #3: But isn’t it true that just a couple of weeks ago you were hanging out with ANDI?
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Nick: Yeah, I hung out with Andi.
Cue satisfied looks and high fives from all Bachelors.
Bachelor #4: So if things don’t work out with Kaitlyn, you’ll be back next season?
“OBJECTION!!” I yell, just because it seemed like the right time to yell it.
Nick: Hey, Kaitlyn’s a cool chick. So f-ck yeah, I gotta do this.
Welder Josh (who my husband likes to call “Slingblade” for some reason): Is she a “cool chick” or an “amazing woman” to you? Huh? HUH??
Nick: Are you even kidding me with this?
Bachelor #I lost count: Why on Harrison’s green earth would you be willing to go through this again?
Nick: I had to meet her, dude. Plus, she seems easy. Up top!
Guys:

PicMonkey Collage

Slingblade makes sure we know he hates Nick with a passion as hot as the flame he uses to create intricate iron roses.
Ryan Gosling is hurt.
Peter Brady is scared.
Ben Z. is worried because he thinks that Nick will have a “leg up” on the other guys.
Um, sorry, Ben, I think you might be thinking about JJ.


2. JJ Scores
The cocktail party/rose ceremony takes place at the field where the Mets play baseball, and it’s basically 10 minutes of the guys bellyaching about Nick. Geezus, find something else to worry about. Or, I don’t know, STEP UP YOUR OWN GAME.
JJ tries. He takes Kaitlyn down to the field, scoops her up, and runs the bases with her (with his pink socks on full display).
Kaitlyn: Let’s touch home base!!
Since we all know she’ll never get there with him (nor will any other woman), it’s the least he can do.

The rose ceremony part is a torturous game of “which contestant’s balls will freeze off first” as they all stand there in suit jackets shivering uncontrollably while Kaitlyn gets to wear an actual coat. After about eight or 18 minutes of pausing so we can all listen to Kaitlyn’s inner dialogue about how she doesn’t know what to do about Nick, she gives him a rose.
Duh.
Two guys who I do not remember ever seeing are sent home while Kaitlyn and the rest of the guys toast to their next adventure: San Antonio, Texas!
Seems a pattern is forming.

Deadwood, SD

Deadwood, SD #neverforget

 


3. Quick Quick, slooow
Peter Brady scores the one on one date, which in Texas can mean only one thing: boot scootin’, baby.
It’s a ridiculous date that really only results in this: Ben H. is freaking adorable, even though he can’t really dance.

brady bunch dance

Kaitlyn is happy he takes two steps forward, but at dinner he seems to take one step back.

two steps

*If you get the use of that GIF, I love you so hard.

Although it’s difficult, Peter Ben H. decides to reveal to Kaitlyn—and to the other 2 million people watching—something that he’s never told anyone in two years: he lost the chase and his old fiance thought he was a chump. Loosely.
And although Kaitlyn feels the need to point out that he’s just a babe (he’s 26, she’s almost 30), she gives him a rose, and he ages three years.

peter brady mustache

4. Ay yi yi yi
Because it’s obviously ABC’s intention to:
A. try to comepete with other networks who have wildly popular singing shows
B. make the guys this season look like complete ass-clowns as much as possible
C. give up any effort whatsoever in the planning of these dates
or
D. all of the above
the group date finds the guys having to write and perfrom a Mariachi song for Kaitlyn.

judge judyHmm, rapping in NYC, Mariachi-ing in San Antonio. Is it just me or is ABC kind of a stereotypical, racist profiler? (I couldn’t pick just one.)

It’s clear the guys, especially the ones who’ve had to do this multiple times, have given up (much like ABC).
I don’t blame them.
In what is a complete mockery of the beautiful Mariachi custom, the guys arrive in ridiculous Mariachi outfits and perform embarrasingly horrid and lame “songs” for a giggling Kaitlyn, who’s still wearing cowboy boots, because Texas.

In related news, #BachelorNation has been banned from the Lone Star State forever.


5. Hairdresser from Hell, Part II
Slingblade Josh is still so insanely pissed off at Nick that he decides the only way to save himself is to let Kaitlyn cut his hair.
Don’t even ask.
Calling her a “barber” for some reason (her bio says she’s a dance instructor even though her date with Peter Brady kind of contradicts that), Josh takes her to a very, very, very dark patio and asks her to give him a haircut. I mean, after she finishes her goblet of wine, obvs.
What could go wrong?

Josh's haircut

So he’s got a one-sided mohawk.
Karma’s a funny bitch, isn’t she? After basically scalping him (I mean, she was wearing fringe), Josh tells her that everyone hates Nick and everyone is lying to her face.
Kaitlyn decides to call him on it and meets the group inside to scold them like she’s their mother.
Kaitlyn: Are you all being honest with me?
Guys: Yeah! Sure! You betcha! Affirmative! You’re pretty!
Kaitlyn: Josh, is everyone being honest with me?
Josh: Um, yeah, I guess.
Kaitlyn: M’SCUSE ME?!?
The other dudes all throw Josh under the bus for being the lying liar who lies, while Kaitlyn runs outside and grabs the broken clippers to use on Josh’s balls.
Not really, but she gives the date rose to NICK, which to Josh is pretty much the same thing.

These group dates are fun lately, aren’t they?

 

6. Prologue to The Notebook
Ryan Gosling gets the last one-on-one date and he’s perfect. Oh, wait, I mean it’s perfect.
He tells her about a car accident he was in where he should’ve died, and that he’s falling in love with her, and cries.
GAME ON.
Kaitlyn grabs his face to kiss him and tells us that she thinks she could’ve just heard her husband say he loves her.
GAME OVER.
“Shawn is the guy I gave the first impression rose to and is the guy I can’t wait to give more of my roses to,” she tells us giddily.
Yeah, I’ll bet.


7. Ian the enigma
He’s a Princeton grad, a former model, track star, world traveler, has had many hot girlfriends, cheated death, and is a “gift that you unwrap for life.”
He’s Ian, and for the life of him he can’t understand why Kaitlyn doesn’t want him.

Screenshot 2015-06-16 12.31.26

Um, maybe it’s because you lost your hair before you hit 30? Or maybe it’s because YOU ARE AN DOUCHEY, CONCEITED, NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE.

My patience is at the end. Against all my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like me, and it’s frustrating. If one of these lames are better than me, then just pick one of the lames. I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, good education, charisma, brains, looks. If that wasn’t impressive enough, then I don’t know what else is impressive here. I could be the Bachelor. I think I am a very eligible Bachelor, in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.

Ian, who has decided he should be the next Bachelor, has decided that he needs to pack up his suitcase full of qualities and hit the road, but not before completely demoralizing Kaitlyn to her face. Which looks like this.

Screenshot 2015-06-16 12.31.17

Upon being called a “shallow whore”

 

Bitch is ready to pounce.

Sadly, we’ll have to wait until next week to watch her rip him to shreds.

 

In other news:
Jared climbs the leaderboard after telling Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her (somewhat robotically) which results in him getting some alone time with her in her room on a rose-strewn bed.

Speaking of beds, next week we’ll fianlly learn who she has the shocking pre-fantasy suite sex with.
I’m still betting it’s Ryan Gosling.
And if it’s not, she’s an idiot.

 

Catch up on other Bachelorette Bits as well as FULL recaps of Des’, Juan Pablo’s and Farmer Chris’ seasons right >>HERE<<

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