Bachelorette Bits: Heartbreaker, Dream maker, Love taker

You guys, I can honestly say I never saw that coming.

The fact that Kaitlyn cruelly stomped on Nick’s heart with the pointy heel of her stiletto and then squished it around with the toe?

Well, yes, that was surprising, but what I now realize Chris Harrison has meant every time he’s told us the finale would be “the most shocking ever” was that Nick would transform into an A+ class act who handled the situation with grace and restrained humility.

And I liked him for it.

Time-out while my head spins around a few times and I do a full body shudder.

shudder

Seriously, we better get to the bits before I question my entire existence.

Bachelorette bits

Disclaimer: The following is a condensed representation of actual events that happened on
“The Bachelorette.”
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, or what may be even harder to believe,
told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own…and probably yours as well. 


1. Kaitlyn’s not the only one Nick gives good feelings to

Kaitlyn’s family gathers in Utah to meet her two lovahs and are immediately shocked and taken aback that one of them is gross Nick who creeped them all out a year ago.
Mom pretty much thinks he’s a douchebag.
Up top, mom.

up top
Kaitlyn then proceeds to tell her entire family (mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, and sister Haley) that she did it with Nick.
Because that’s not awkward at all.

Nick arrives in full Gosling beard and Kaitlyn is like Welcome! I told them you boned me! Let’s go meet the parents! 
Nick becomes nervous and enters the room where five people burn holes in his skull and three of them wonder what he’s like in bed.
C’mon. You know it’s a little bit what they were thinking.

Mom cuts to the chase: Why are you here?
Mom, continuing to slay.

up top
Kaitlyn wants sister Haley to separate the Nick from Andi’s season from this Nick and report back.
Sister Haley is ON IT!
Haley is super skeptical…for about 48 seconds…and then concludes that Nick is super awesome.
I’d fire her ass. She sucks at this.

Mom takes Nick aside and tells him that she thinks he’s jealous, possessive, and arrogant.

up top
Mom, asking the question that’s been burning America’s minds for weeks: What does Kaitlyn see in you?
Nick: She sees things in me she’s never seen before.
Mom: Well, I seriously doubt that. I mean, she does get around…
Nick: She’s so hot. We have insane chemistry.
Mom: Yuck…and also, will that sustain?
Nick: I’m in love and I will totally ask her to marry me.
Mom: Good enough.
Me: facepalm

While they both sit there with tears rolling down their faces, Nick asks for her permission to marry Kaitlyn and of course she caves and gives it to this man who not only did this last year, but who her daughter has done little else than bang since she’s met him.
I totally take back all my high fives.
Then, Nick tells Kaitlyn’s dad that he loves “every part of his daughter.”
Um…

that

Since dad “gets a good feeling” about Nick, which is apparently good enough, he gives him his blessing.
As usual, this is insane.


2. #TeamGosling
Day two of the dog show arrives, and Kaitlyn, wearing a placemat from Pier One’s summer collection, skips out to greet Gosling, who arrives with groomed beard, tight lid, and immediately delivers gifts to everyone (even Haley’s kids!) and a BOMB toast at lunch.
Dude is playing to win.

Mom pulls Gosling aside and decides to ruin yet another one of his happy days on this journey.
Mom: Kaitlyn told us about the sex with Nick. How are you?
Gosling: For the love of all things holy, can’t you people just let that shit go?
He then is all I understand we weren’t in an exlusive relationship and it made us stronger and blah blah blah and tells her that if he wins this game he’ll totally trust Kaitlyn, which makes no real sense considering what he says next.
Gosling: She went through 25 guys, and there’s nothing that can break us.

You guys, I can’t make this stuff up. It’s pure gold.

Mom gets emotional, as one does when talking about her daughter’s clandestine sex with her potential son-in-law, and is won over.

Meanwhile, Haley declares herself #teamShawn (he has another name, apparently) after spending about three minutes in his presence.
Up top, Haley.

Gosling brings Kaitlyn’s mom and dad outside, and after a 10 minute speech (seriously, for a guy who couldn’t put a string of more than five words together early on, dude’s gotten eloquent) asks them — together (classy!) — for their permission to marry their daughter and they hug it out and agree, because gelled hair and tight abs are obviously enough.


3. 1992 called, they want their frame back

Nick arrives for his final date by boat and joins Kaitlyn on a catamaran for a sail, and as they cruise (and I get seasick) they talk for what seems like hours about the meet cute with the fam and then spend time canoodling on brightly colored Sunbrella pillows that somehow do not get tossed overboard.
Nick tells her he’s exicted to have her on his couch one day.
Good lord, we know.
They make out some more and Kaitlyn tells us for the 68,000th time how insane their chemistry is and I barf.
And it has nothing to do with the rolling sea.

Later that night, they sit on the couch and giggle about how shocking it was for Nick to appear out of nowhere in NYC.
Oh, give us all a break. WE READ US MAGAZINE.
WE’RE NOT IDIOTS.
They won’t stop talking and giggling and I tune them out and begin concentrating on making the perfect mouthful with my Chicago Mix, which in case you are wondering is a ratio of 2 cheese pieces to 1 caramel.
You’re welcome.
Then Nick tells her he has something for her in the bedroom.
Kaitlyn: What?
My 19yo: It’s his penis.
It’s not.
It’s a Things Remembered engraved frame circa 1992 with a photo from their first date and a handwritten message full of Nick’s deep thoughts.
She can’t stop looking at it.
She can’t stop telling us how she’s hopeful and excited and how she thinks Nick is the one for her.
Spoiler alert: She’s a liar.


4. Jar of hearts 

The next day, Kaitlyn and Gosling meet at a winery, and it goes something like this:
Gosling gives her a hello kiss.
Kaitlyn: Do you have sunscreen on?
Gosling: Yes. Geesh. Thanks a lot, mom.
Kailtyn: 
Gosling:
Kaitlyn:
Gosling:
Kaitlyn:
Gosling:
Kaitlyn:
Gosling: So, um. How are you?
Kaitlyn: It’s weird. I’m excited.
Gosling: Yeah.
Kaitlyn: It’s exciting. But so weird.
After about 8 minutes of more silence they both start to say something more about weirdness or excitement…
Gosling: You go first.
Kaitlyn: No, you go first.

As I contemplate taking the crochet hook sitting by my chair and jamming it into my eyeballs, they finally agree on the fact that it’s all exciting but weird, and as Kaitlyn pets Gosling’s leg hair in silence we hear him in voiceover tell us that after this awkwardness he’s having doubts and wondering how she feels about he who shall not be named and might not even propose tomorrow.
Way to take back control, dude!

Later that night, however, they immediately talk about getting engaged and how Gosling can’t wait to start sharing life moments with her.

judge judy

And then Kaitlyn effectively spoils the past 10 weeks (if you don’t count that Snapchat photo she leaked weeks ago) with this:
Kaitlyn: This has been so hard on you, and I think about you watching it back. It’s gonna be tough! Will you be able to watch?
Thanks a lot, Kaitlyn.

Then the two of them laugh at how he’ll respond watching her make out with Joe (poor Kentucky Joe, first they laughed at his loose nut, and now at his kissing) and then after some more sweet talk about how much fun they’ll have making fun of people for the rest of their lives, Gosling gives her his gift.
Spoiler alert: It’s not his penis.
It’s a giant memory jar full tidbits from all their dates: notes, roses, pictures, golf tees.
Suck it, Things Remembered frame! This is our love story!

After Gosling leaves, Kaitlyn is crushed with emotion about blindsiding one of these guys and how it is going to be so hard to hurt one of them.
I hate to admit it and will deny it if asked (espeically after the next 15 minutes play out), but in that moment, I believe her.


5. Cruel intentions

After both guys choose insane rings from the perfectly imbalmed Neil Lane, and after we see Kaitlyn in contemplative poses in her blush colored lace dress with a slit up to her hoo-ha and hear her try to convince us (and herself) that “I really did have to take it this far to figure it out,” (liar) it’s time for the arrivial of the first limo, a.k.a., “The Limo of Loser.”

And as we all hold our breaths because even though we think we know we know, we aren’t entirely positive we know we know, Nick steps out.

Aaannnnd, exhale.

And then something happens.
Something I never in a million years saw coming: I feel a feeling for Nick that is not disgust and repulsion.

Because after he makes it to the engagement stage set up by the Bachelor mansion pool (see: ABC in financial distress) and grabs a rather green-looking Kaitlyn’s hand, he immediately begins his speech on how much he loves her and what their relationship means to him.
And she lets him.
He then pauses, as if to get a feel for how she’s reacting.
STOP HIM! I yell.
But she doesn’t.
So he continues.
AS ONE WOULD WHEN NOT STOPPED.
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the ring box.
Deciding that okay, fine, now the game is getting a little cruel, she grabs his hand.
Nick’s like:

Really, it can

(Had to use it one last time)

Kaitlyn begins the “my heart is with someone else” speech and he shuts her down.
Nick: Okay. The end. Can I go now?
Kaitlyn: I really needed all this time to figure it out. I mean, all this time up until like two seconds ago when you reached for the ring…
Nick: Nothing you could say could make me less confused…and make me think you are anything but a liar.
Kaitlyn gets defensive, because she’s mean, and let’s not forget, this is all about her, and so she tries to convince Nick that even when they were intimate, all the sex meant something!
Nick tells her that he doesn’t need to hear it, and then in perhaps the greatest rejection comeback line in Bachelor history, says this: You took things from me. What I felt was greater than the moment.
My crew actually cheers.
Kaitlyn: It was all those things to me, too!
Nick: But it wasn’t. That’s not fair. You don’t feel the same.
She starts crying harder and tries to make us feel sorry for her by saying it was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do, blah blah boo hoo.
I’m sorry, sister. The hardest thing would’ve been going to him an hour earlier and telling him then. Or maybe, I don’t know, not letting him come thisclose to proposing?
Your soul is black.

Nick regains his composure, walks with restraint to the limo, hugs Kaitlyn (!), gets in, and tosses their Irish friendship ring on the floor.

Sidenote: In case you didn’t think Kaitlyn was heartless enough in regards to how she handled Nick after everything she led him to believe, this morning on GMA both Kaitlyn and Shawn said they thought the ring throwing “was funny.”
Pick one. I can’t.

Screenshot 2015-07-28 14.52.42



6. First Impression, FTW

After the makeup person reapplies all the cried off makeup, Gosling arrives and nervously gives her a long-winded (but lovely) speech and then Kaitlyn gives him one back where she’s like Now I’ll always be faithful to you and I love you with all my heart like I’ve never loved anyone before…I mean, until like an hour ago and then Gosling gives her another speech and just when my crew thinks they’re going to keep taking turns giving speeches for another hour or four he proposes.

proposal

And they’re happy and giggly and they kiss and twirl on the engagement stage.
As they walk away, Gosling notices something on the bottom of his shoe.
“What’s this goop?” he asks.
Kaitlyn glances down. “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s just Nick’s heart.”


7. Nick’s final moment

After The Final Rose is the typical display of glee and giddiness and touchy-feeliness that isn’t fooling us Bachelor veterans (I’m taking over/under on a November split — who wants in?) and the real meat of the show only happens when Nick appears.
In full beard.
Dude. It’s too late.

Harrison tries in vain to instigate anger in a surprisingly cool, calm, and collected Nick, and then brings out Gosling in hopes that things will come fist to cuffs.
The two arch rivals shake hands and sit a foot apart on the loveseat.
Nick introduces himself as “Nick” instead of Voldemort.
Nick offers Gosling a compliment: You look nice.
Gosling: Thank you. I like your beard.
*rimshot*
Hand to heart, he says it, and I’m telling you, I’d watch this kind of Nick/Gosling show all damn day.

After they awkwardly bumble through the details of their hatred and agree to disagree (or something like that, to be honest I was on Facebook by then because I was bored out of my mind and my Chicago Mix was gone), Kaitlyn comes out to face Nick.
I perk up.
After Harrison makes them watch the rejection (Kaitlyn’s not the only heartless one in the room, it seems), Nick very calmly calls her shit out.
“You knew when I got out of the limo. I went on…I paused!…and you still let me go on. Those words were meant for someone who felt the same as I did. What were you thinking, you bitch?”
Okay, fine, he didn’t call her a bitch.
He has more class than me, because I’d have called her that and more, especially after she rolled her eyes and grimaced when he mentioned how they’d told each other “I love you.”
Oh yes she did.

kaitlyneyes

Kaitlyn mumbles things, keeps up the slightly pissed off expressions, and basically avoids and steps around all his VERY VALID questions and then he delivers his final blow. “Why was having me pick out a goddammed ring (again, not an adjective he used) and letting me go through the whole fucking speech (again, my word) a good way to go about it?”
You go, Lithgow.
But Harrison cuts him off before he can make Kaitlyn look too bad, kicks Nick off the couch with a hasty don’t ever darken our doorstep again, good sir (not really, but you can imagine he was thinking it), brings back Gosling, and he and Kaitlyn continue to try to convince us they’re for real.

I’m so over it.

How long until January?

peter brady

#PeterBradyforBachelor


That’ll do it for me, folks.
I won’t be subjecting myself to Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll be reading the Bible on Monday nights for awhile, I think.
If you watch, leave me some good dirt over on my Facebook page! I’ll live vicariously through you for the next couple of months.
Totally your turn.

As always, thanks to those of you who read these recaps loyally.
You know you’re why I do them…and you know you’re my favorite today!

Missed any of the Bits? Catch up on the all the recaps from Kaitlyn’s season as well as full recaps of Des’, Juan Pablo’s and Farmer Chris’ seasons right >>HERE<<



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  • Snarkfest - Then Nick tells her he has something for her in the bedroom.
    Kaitlyn: What?
    My 19yo: It’s his penis.
    It’s not.

    That right there is a proud momma moment, is it not? That daughter of yours, she’s awesome and she’s going places!!

    Thank you, as always, for the sheer entertainment and for not making me watch this stupid show. I love you and your recaps!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - You know that my proudest moments with my children come from snarky Bachelor/ette comments, right?
      You are always welcome. But come ON. You’re not going to watch that adorable Peter Brady if he’s the next Bachelor?? Shame on you.ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - 2 cheese to one caramel is the right way.

    I think Nick should recieve a Schmemmy (that’s the awards for reality tv “stars”, right?) for his performances this season. Last night’s was amazing.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oooh! How can we nominate? I agree! But did think he was being sincere last night. And was so well spoken and in control about it. I’d have been so much more classless and called her a bunch of names that rhyme with witch and bore.ReplyCancel

  • Moira - “…the perfectly imbalmed Neil Lane.” You’re fantastic! This is seriously good shit and I love you.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - And am I right? He’s like an elderly Ken doll. And I love you too for being a loyal reader!! xoReplyCancel

      • Moira - There you go again…elderly Ken doll! So damn funny and completely accurate! Neil is laughing all the way to the bank. One thing that I’d like to get to the bottom of from the season is WTF does an amateur sex coach do. NO, scratch that. That guy was disgusting.ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - They were on Kimmel that night and he made them swear and promise a bunch of things on a stack of US weekly’s like they’d be together in a year….it was hilarious!! How can you not watch Paradise…your recaps would be awesome! But I get it…read that bible!ReplyCancel

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