Like Star Wars I Do Not

For almost 38 years I’ve been subjected to a torture and a hell. Something that the overwhelming majority of society—and even members of my own family—finds baffling and threatens to ostracize me for. Something I’ve oftentimes had to conceal in the very interest of my own survival.

I hate Star Wars.
(Hides under desk)

I hate Star Wars


I always have, from the first time I saw the original—in the theater— in 1977. (Keep in mind, I was a big Shaggy, D.A. and Apple Dumpling Gang fan, so that might explain things.)
Pretty sure I fell asleep.
Positive I walked out pissed-off that I hadn’t saved my $2.50 for admission to the new Benji movie that was opening the next week.

For the past few weeks—no, for the past year and a half—the entire world has been losing its effing mind with excitement and anticipation over the reboot, and I’ve kept my mouth shut. Sure, it’s mostly because I don’t want to be targeted by Storm Troopers or other Dark Side villains (and yes, I did just have to call my husband to make sure Storm Troopers were bad guys) but it’s also because honestly, I’ve been a bit envious of all the hype. But as much as I’d love to throw myself onto the bandwagon, I just can’t.

Why do I hate something that is so engraved into our culture? Something that has transcended generations and bound them together unlike almost anything else has been able to since our collective confusion of Donald Trump?

Because I don’t get it.

I mean, I actually do not get it.
Like, I don’t get the story itself.
But even four-year-olds understand the plot! I can hear you shouting while any respect you might have previously had for me plummets like Tom Cruise’s popularity

Seriously, you guys, I don’t care about it. The story loses interest for me like five minutes in. And then it’s all over. I’m thoroughly confused, and I don’t get it.
And I don’t care that I don’t get it. That’s how much I hate it.

Let me tick a few specifics off for you:

  • Incessant bleep-bleep-bleeping noises that are passed off as dialogue
  • Sasquatches and robots that are passed off as characters
  • A backwards-talking gnome with terrible grammar that is passed off as a teacher
  • Warp speed space travel that induces induces vertigo
  • Humans interacting with aliens and other creatures as if that’s not all kinds of fucked up
  • Incest

But mostly, I can’t wrap my brain around the space stuff. And it’s not that I’m unable to suspend reality (see: The Shaggy, D.A.), it’s just that it’s simply—completely and exhaustingly—uninteresting to me.

Throughout my life I’ve quickly realized that I’m almost completely in the minority when it comes to my loathe for Star Wars and all the things associated with all seven or 18 movies.

In the year after the movie came out—and then in the next several when the sequels dominated life—all my friends were playing with Star Wars figures and playing Star Wars make-believe and wearing Star Wars shirts while I sat alone, begging for someone to let me make their Luke Skywalker figure be Chachi Arcola for like one stinkin’ second.

When my husband and I first moved in together, he came with an ugly glass and brass table, a worn and slightly foul-smelling chair, a binder full of hundreds of Star Wars collectible cards and multiple tubs of all his old action figures. Pretty sure he didn’t reveal those things until my name was on the lease.

By the time our daughter was three, playing with all those old figures was one of their favorite things to do together, which was my pass for an hour or two of solitude in a hot bath with my People Magazine. #hatredofStarWarsFTW

By the time she was four, she’d seen all the movies and their shared infatuation was fierce. #daddydaughterloveofStarWarsFTbiggerW

Star Wars WM

BTW, she’s waiting to see the new one until next week when she’s home from college so they can go together, which means I’ll be in a three-hour bath.

 

I can’t escape it, and I’ve given up trying because I’m old enough not to give a damn.

But seriously, May The Force Be With (the rest of) You this weekend as you get your fix.

And don’t hate me for this.
Wait until I write about my disinterest in Harry Potter for that.

 



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  • Christine Donovan McDougall - I hate the person that chose to write spoilers mixed into their regular comments on a thread. Like, visceral hatred. But I would feel the same hatred if they told me the ending of any movie or book- but I don’t hate non-fans of stuff I like. I hate hipster douchebags that apparently need to ruin everything and probably stand n line behind kids at Santa explaining he isn’t real. They’re awesome.ReplyCancel

  • Ju Mc - Thank you! I’m in my early 40s, so I also grew up with Star Wars fever and then it showed up again in the late 90s. My ex-husband is a HUGE fan and made me wait for hours in line when the first prequel came to theaters. I was a dutiful wife and waited and then sat through that movie. I was pretty bored. I’ve watched all of the movies multiple times and I still can’t keep track of who’s who (except Han Solo–best character). My son has the fever now and he gets to keep his dad company now in the theater.
    Funny side note: we went to see Meet Joe Black because he knew that the Star Wars trailer was going to play before the movie! Have you seen Meet Joe Black? I’d rather sit through Star Wars, again! (*ahem* my current husband hasn’t seen all of the Star Wars movie and confuses Star Trek with Star Wars–he’s a keeper!)ReplyCancel

  • Pam Migdal Bernstein - I think Star Wars is, like, fine. Saw the original three in the theaters, because that’s what you did. But I didn’t understand the first one AT ALL. Like, I thought R2D2 was a dog, and C3PO was his owner. So I made my younger brother come with me to see it a second time, and he explained the action for the enire movie. And then I’m sure we stayed to see it again, because they didn’t kick you out of the theatrer in those days.

    And neither I nor my children have read a word of Harry Potter nor seen any of the movies. Just not interested!ReplyCancel

  • TaraLee - I was a kid when the first one came out and was dragged to the theatre with my cousins to see it. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep because I don’t remember much of it and I still don’t understand the plot. Several,years later my aunt dragged me to a double feature of the second and third ones. I remember very little except I thought the Ewoks were cute. I didn’t bother seeing the Prequels, and I have no interest in the new ones, even though they are now done by Disney. As for Harry Potter, I loved the books but I usually hate movies based on good books because of continuity errors. I hated the Harry Potter movies and I hated the Hunger Games movies for the same reason. Good books are very rarely reproduced well in the movies. Little details wrong drive me nuts. And me harping about those continuity errors drive my family nuts, but at least I have no pressure to take them to see these movies!ReplyCancel

  • Benito Lettieri - Just wanted to say I hate star wars too. I watched the original first movie, and the other first one. I gave it a try and they were extremely boring. I can’t understand all the hype about them. I guess people just follow like SHEEP.ReplyCancel

  • Lara - This made me laugh and cry at the same time, because I am a Star Wars fan, although I wouldn’t call myself a Star Wars freak.

    This is pretty much how I feel about Monty Python. There are people around me who can recite every movie, word for word, and I just stare at them, thinking, “But it’s not FUNNY. It’s STUPID.”

    I am proud of your bravery in admitting the truth. :)ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Haha — thanks! I get the humor in Monty Python, but I’m with you. I can’t make it through an entire movie without choosing to do something like scoop the cat box or find a closet to clean. My husband, however, LOVES them and is one of the ones who can always recite lines randomly. Thanks for reading!!ReplyCancel

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