But still, because she was apparently into SELF-TORTURE—and also because she had a handful of the very nicest recap-reading fans in the world— she did it over and over and OVER again. (Song’s over, folks, you can stop trying to make it fit into the familiar tune now.)
Wellllcome back, my Bachelor-lovin’ freaks!
Can you believe it’s already the season of low self-worth, questionable morals, crocodile tears and bold statement necklaces?
For all of us.
But really, doesn’t it seem like just yesterday we were wiping our snotty noses with our cabled Irish sweaters as Kaitlyn crushed the emoji hearts that had been dancing around our favorite Peter Brady doppelgänger since he took his walk-of-no-shame? (For those of you who are new to the class, read THIS. We’ll wait.)
Seems like it, but in reality it’s been so long since we’ve had a new episode that someone’s grown a mustache.
But mustache or no mustache, cute haircut or horrible one (we’ll get to that later), here I am, back for yet another season of self-degradation. Why?
The Bachelor that will prove that good men still exist!
The Bachelor that will restore our faith in this beautiful game of chance!
The Bachelor that—if this game is played as honestly as our boy Ben seems to live his life—will finally discover that HE IS LOVABLE, DAMMIT!
Before we get to the bizarre bunch of ladies who are all hoping to be the one to show him that, let’s get the deets on Ben:
- Hails from
- Shoots baskets on a hoop attached to a giant red barn — ‘Murica!
- Enjoys haunting his old elementary and high schools and the movie theater where he had his first kiss.
- Has achieved celebrity status in hometown by being America’s current man-whore — ‘Murica!
- Has dated only a couple of girls seriously. #respect.
obvious issues stemming from childhood neglectfear of being unloved.
After a chat with his lovely parents in their lakeside backyard on lime-green adirondack chairs that look suspiciously like my favorite dock chair I’m sitting on in that
slightly photoshopped picture of me up there on the right, we discover that everyone just wants Ben to feel loved. So, as parents who want THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILD should do, they give him their blessing to speed date 26 women on national television.
Fast-forward to Los Angeles.
Sweet convertible mustang.
Same old Bachelor mansion, freshly scrubbed and disinfected (we hope).
And here’s Ben, already out of his mind with excitement, anticipation, and stress, being greeted by “three of America’s favorite bachelors,” Mesnick, Lowe, and Soules.
And by three he means two.
Ben sits down with the three stooges and asks their advice, and what transpires goes (loosely) like this:
Ben: How did you handle all the kissing? Isn’t it rude to kiss one girl and then kiss another? (Bless his heart.)
Farmer: Dude. Kiss them all.
Mesnick: Be honest!
Farmer: Uh, disagree…
Sean: Compartmentalize every relationship! When I was with one girl I’d give her all my attention!
Farmer: Hell yeah! “Reborn Virgin” my ass! Up top, pretty boy!
Farmer: You’re going to find things with every single girl that you like.
Thing 1 (still home from college): Like boobs. They all have boobs.
Ben: Mesnick, you stayed true to yourself all the way through…
Farmer: I think the thing I did was try to make all the girls as comfortable as possible. The placement of the pillow is key…
Mesnick: You want to make sure everyone has a really good experience. I mean, it’s basic client service.
Ben is thoroughly confused, but totally ready to meet his bunch, and since we’re only like 11 minutes in (to the episode and this recap) I think we better get on with it. Shall we?
ABC, as usual, decides to highlight a handful of the ladies, giving us a taste of the typical potpourri brewing for Ben:
The All-American Girl
Loves SoCal and drinking red wine.
Adorable. Nothing crazy standing out … yet.
The Already Obsessed
Software sales rep from Boston.
Saw Ben get out of limo last year and got butterflies which made her realize she had to break up with her boyfriend. Right then.
Adorable x2, but I might be wary of that whole “dumping the boyfriend for someone you saw on a reality show” thing.
Jubilee is a bad-ass war veteran who is so gorgeous it makes your eyes hurt.
If Ben doesn’t want to salute her, I will.
The Token Crazy Girl
Mandi, who “embraces the weird.”
She’s a dentist.
Which just gave me nightmares for the next 29 years.
The Token “OMG No Waay!” Contestant(s)
Emily and Haley (I have no idea which one’s which), whose literal occupation is being identical twins.
I smell ulterior motives … and the fumes are coming from Chatsworth and not L.A.
I’m already majorly bugged—and inexplicably disturbed—by them.
The Single Mom Willing to Leave Her Beloved Child(ren) For Three Months
Her two babies are much, much cuter than her baby voice.
The Other Weird One
Tiara, a super cute chicken enthusiast who likes to rub her face all over her cocks.
The Tragic Daddy Story
Watched her father suffer from LGD (definitely tragic) but is already making sure we know how much (dead) Daddy would love to see Ben as her husband.
Silly girl, don’t you know you’re supposed to save that story for the first one-on-one?
Ben arrives in a sharp suit and sporting a fresh whitewall haircut that makes him look more like a member of a NKOTB than The Brady Bunch, and with a hug from Harrison—who wisely doesn’t comment on the hair—his journey begins.
Here are the highlights:
- Lauren B. (not to be confused with LB – the other Lauren B. that you know ABC gave that nickname to) gives him wings and hopes he’s ready to “take off on this journey.”
He eats it up.
I vomit, then decide to call her “Wings” henceforth. Make a note of it, readers.
- Cute little Caila sprints from the limo jumps into his arms and stays there with Ben holding her like a toddler as if that will make the introductions less awkward.
Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.
- Tragic Sam with the dead Daddy issues just found out in the limo that she passed the bar, so her opener is totes obvious. “Boxers or legal briefs?” she asks him coyly, and I give up feeling sorry for her.
- Jubilee steps out of the limo in a white dress that is virtually poured on her like milk.
She is beyond stunning, and adorably nervous, which is a contradiction that is working for her fiercely.
Also, she might (and could totally) kick my ass if I say anything bad about her.
- A woman named Lace wearing a dress made of her name boldly gives him the first kiss.
I despise her immediately for both choices.
- Leah arrives with a football and wants to play. She immediately turns around to hike the ball and bends over, her sparkly ass two feet from Ben’s face.
Leah just won the fucking show.
- Laura, the token ginger, tells Ben all her friends call her “Red Velvet.” And by “friends” she means customers.
- Mandi the crazed dentist puts a gigantic rose head dress on and tells Ben that if things go well maybe he’ll want to pollinate it later. #embracingtheweird
- Isabel foregoes the pesky fashion stresses and arrives in a Target onesie because she has to see if Ben is “the onesie for her.”
Stick that shit back in the exit limo right now, ABC.
- Jessica is an adorable accountant and seems normal.
I double check my DVR to see if I’m still watching the right show.
- Olivia is a nervous news anchor who Ben seems instantly smitten with.
For some reason she bugs me already, and she’s not even wearing a onesie.
- Twins Emily and Haley exit together.
The voice inside Ben’s head stage whispers, “Bucket list item #26 — check!”
After a giddy group hug, they tell Ben that they’ve never dated the same guy but he’s their exception.
Ben, voice suddenly three octaves higher: Uh, do we — and here you just know he uses air quotes in his head — talk together inside individually or separately?
Twins, in unison: BOTH!!!
Ben drops dead.
There’s a Russian girl with the unfortunate name of Shushanna who only speaks in her native tongue, two more Laurens (one who openly admits to stalking him), a Laura, a girl who arrives on a hover board and instantly bursts into flames, a girl who exits the limo wearing a unicorn mask, a cowgirl who brings her miniature horse with her from Texas (suck it, chickens!), and a nutritionist who hates gluten so much that she arrives with a bag of innocent baguettes and beats the hell out of them on the rose bushes because bread is evil. I’d send her ass packing for that violation alone.
Inside, every girl is freaking her shit out with every new entrance, especially when they see the twins.
Maegan the cowgirl, apparently feeling thankful she brought the pony along: How can you be with twins? With a fucking horse, that’s how!
I already can’t quit you, Maegan.
Ben pauses outside to CALL HIS PARENTS (stahhp it) to let them know how great the girls are, and then finally comes in and gives a humble and very sweet speech about being honored that they’re all there.
You guys, I REALLY LIKE THIS BOY.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
The girls begin their dog and (literal) pony shows; the crazy dentist gives him an exam, Olivia tells Ben she left her news anchor job
for the chance to be on a bigger stage and maybe be the next Bachelorette for him, Caila seduces him with software sales talk, and the twins talk about being every guy’s fantasy.
Another limo pulls up.
What’s this, ABC? What could you possibly have up your sleeve??
It’s Beautiful, Boring Becca and Apparently Awesome Amber from the Farmer’s season who already looove Ben and are ready to risk their hearts for another go at love and humiliation!
Harrison: Becca, you’re still intact, correct?
Becca: Yeah, but I mean, last time the bloggers, reporters, and commenters didn’t make me feel like shit enough about myself for having virtue and self-respect so I wanted to return to this whorehouse and national forum of shame and judgement because I’m pretty.
I mean, that’s what I heard, anyway.
Harrison then sends them into the wolves, where chaos erupts.
Lace, who is on what appears to be her twelfth glass of chardonnay, slurs that “ish ishnt fare that Beccash here becaushe she hash a one-up on them,” which doesn’t make any sense for more than the obvious reason.
Becca interrups a talk Ben’s having with someone who I already forgot, and he’s like, “No way! Becca! We met at that Bachelor-Nation party and totally didn’t hook up because we’re both totally not like that!”
Then Amber walks in.
Ben seems to recognize her. “This is crazy! Is there anyone else here?”
Becca: No, we came together.
Me: That’s what the twins said. Ba dum bum
Drunk Lace pulls him away in hopes of making another first impression. With chardonnay fumes visibly shooting from her mouth, she asks him for another kiss.
Ben shuts her down by telling her that he wants to really get to know girls first and isn’t going to get all physical so soon because HE’S NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE, DAMMIT.
Lace is so psycho that even Ben is afraid of her and later pulls her aside to let her know that not kissing her didn’t have anything to do with her, which she takes to mean she’s already won the show and trots around bragging to everyone that, “He foun’ me an made me feel speshil.”
But it’s Wings (that’s Lauren B., remember) who is really taking Ben’s breath away, as well as Olivia-the-former-news-anchor, who snags the first impression rose and brings out every other girls’ resting bitch face.
First rose ceremony
Roses to (* denotes girls I have no idea who the hell are at this stage in the game, and no, I was–shockingly–not drinking wine while watching):
Amber from Farmer’s season (who I still can’t remember)
Single mom Amanda
JoJo the Unicorn head
Leah the football player
Haley (Twin #1 – duh)
Emily (Twin #2 – duh)
Shushanna the Russian princess
And rounding out the group, the obvious ABC producer’s mandated choice for ratings—
Mandi the lunatic dentist
Sadly, we say a fast goodbye to:
Cowgirl and her miniature pony
Gluten-free bread hater
And so, so sadly, Chicken girl, who we didn’t even get a chance to meet. Big mistake, producers. Huge.
Post ceremony, Lace pulls him aside and scolds him for not looking at her and gives him all kinds of slurred shit.
Ben runs out the door: “RED VELVET! COME BACK!!!”
Week #1 Leaderboard:
This season the YMFT leaderboard will look a bit different —
And no, I do not have this printed out hanging on my office wall.
It’s on my pantry door.
Now it’s—finally—your turn!
Please comment and let’s start talking about the good, bad, crazy, and ugly!
And as always — NO SPOILERS!!
Oh, and btw, for the next month there’s apparently a post-show talk show where Harrison wastes another hour of our lives with Bachelor drivel.
Like the recaps? I’d love YOU forever if you’d share the link each week on social media, with a friend, with a co-worker, even with an enemy. I’m not picky, just greedy.Thank you!
And if you’d like to catch up on or relive old Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, you can find all the old recaps right HERE.
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