Buckle up, my friends, and keep your hands, feet, and tacky statement necklaces inside the vehicle. With week one out of the way and the
boring fantastical “meet and greets” taken care of, it’s finally time for the backstabbing to begin and the tears to start to flow like the free chardonnay that’s responsible for (much of) both.
You know, the real reason we all watch this show.
So grab your bottle and let’s jump right in.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
Episode 2 was ridiculous. And boring. Ridiculously boring. You’ve been warned.
We open with the girls, looking amazingly fresh after their all-night cocktail party, singing Ben’s praises the way only contestants on this show can.
He “checks off every item on ‘the list’!”
He’s “the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history!”
(That last one was courtesy of one of the twins, which sheds enormous light on the reason being a twin is their official occupation.)
Cut to the obligatory shot of our Bachelor getting dressed. He’s shirtless (meh) and gazing in the mirror messing up his hair with his fingertips, because that’s obvs how the cool dudes style. He’s “excited” and “ready,” which are the nicknames he’s already given the twins.
Back at the house, Looney Lace the Lush, wearing a sweet acid-washed denim vest from 1992, admits the impression she gave at the first party wasn’t her and she’s excited to redeem herself.
How in holy hell she’s not still hungover or sporting dried flecks of vomit around her mouth is beyond me. Girl knows how to bounce back. #respect
The date card arrives, and the girls whose names are read are so super excited!
Lace, sticking with her ode to the ’90s in a cropped white lycra tank with high-waisted denim shorts with a red-plaid flannel tied around the waist, tells us she’s in it to win it. She wants it all. I’m already scared of her.
The girls arrive by limos to Bachelor High.
An obviously abandoned high school that they’ve renamed Bachelor High.
I’m already a bit creeped out, ABC, and that’s before seeing Harrison dressed like a nerdy professor.
Ben tells us he’s taking the girls back to school because he wants the date to be “goofy and fun.” Um, unless goofy and fun means dramatic and confusing, he’s lost me. Guess his high school experience was vastly different than mine.
The game is this: girls will be in teams of two and will be competing against other teams in each “class” by successfully completing tasks. At the end of each class a team will be eliminated until it’s just one team who will battle it out for the title of (good lord) Homecoming Queen.
You guys, I’m not even making this up. Sigh. Let’s bullet this shit to ease the pain.
•Science Class: First four teams to “make Ben’s volcano explode” (which proves the writers’ humor is still firmly cemented in high school) will advance.
With Ben’s volcanos impressively exploding all over the room, Team Jubilee and Lace fail miserably, and Jubilee is pissed. Lace apparently cannot read instructions, and Jubilee apparently likes to pass the blame since I didn’t see anyone hiding the instructions from her.
•Lunch: Bobbing for Apples and Passing Them To Your Teammate Without Using Your Hands, or, Let’s See How Sexual We Can Make Another Lame Game.
•Geography: Put The State of Indiana on a Blank U.S. Map, or, The Real Reason We Should Be Worried About The Future.
Seriously, a couple of teams get sorta close, but Team Becca not only places Indiana like three states to the right but places it sideways. Like Pennsylvania.
•Gym: Basketball Shootout.
Crazy dentist and Amber (the mystery girl from Farmer’s season) are the winners, so they take it outside to the track to battle it out for the (literal) crown.
•It’s a footrace–over 2′ high hurdles–and crazy dentist wins the Homecoming Queen crown, a real letter jacket from Ben’s high school, and a ride around the track in a convertible Mustang with Ben perched beside her while the other girls kill her with their eyes and bitchy glares. Just like high school. Well done, ABC. Mission accomplished.
At the evening cocktail party, Lace wants to make sure Ben doesn’t think she’s crazy.
Good luck with that.
Becca and Ben split off to shoot baskets, because BECCA IS SO SPORTY.
Ben: I’m just still kind of wondering why you’re here. I mean, you’re pretty, but people mostly hate you.
Becca, with zero expression: I’ve wanted to meet you for awhile. I’m just so super excited to be here.
Ben, matching her expression: Yeah, I’m excited to get some time together, too.
Becca: I mean, I’m excited but nervous.
Ben: Don’t worry. Unlike the farmer, I don’t expect you to put out.
Ohmigod, they’re both gorgeous to look at, no question, but are so incredibly boring that I stop wanting her to win because I’m pretty sure they’ll just turn to ash if they end up together.
Ben tells Jennifer that their conversation at last night’s party was incredible.
Jennifer is confident they could be a “really great match!”
Ben is confident her tonsils will taste delicious, and tests his theory.
And the dam is broken.
Back on the couches, Jenn tells the other girls they kissed, and Lace silently implodes. #silentbutdeadly
Back at the manse, the next date card arrives and Olivia is out of her mind with bizarrely displayed euphoria because she’s certain her name–and her name only– will be on it.
What with how well last night went and the fact that she got the first impression rose, she’ll be SHOCKED if her name isn’t the only one on the card!
Um, unless you spell Olivia “C-a-i-l-a,” it’s not.
Back at the group date the girls are discussing how now that someone’s already kissed Ben it like, totally changes the vibe, and Lace is again concerned that she hasn’t been noticed.
And that he thinks she’s crazy, which she’s totally not.
Lace pulls him away from crazy dentist-slash-homecoming queen and apologizes for her bizarre behavior the night before. He admits it was a bit of a concern, and Lace tries to convince him she’s so not that person.
She wants him to know that she loves being there (leans in), thinks their chemistry is amazing (leans in further), and they’re holding hands, eyes so close they’re almost “eye fucking” (hey, you can’t get pregnant), and she knows he’s (finally) going to kiss her. LIKE THAT HO JENNIFER.
But then that bitch Jubilee bursts in and wrecks their certain kiss. Lace vows to get more time with Ben and nab that rose.
Ben, now feeling free and easy with his tongue, also kisses Jubilee, but it’s probably only because she discloses she was an orphan in Haiti.
Still pissed that everyone else has gotten more time with Ben than she has, Lace breaks up Ben’s time with some cute girl he’s been talking to for under two minutes and says she needs more time with him.
Why he doesn’t throw that mess out to the curb makes me feel like he’s more of an idiot than ideal, but I’m just here to provide moderately entertaining commentary, folks.
When they want me to chime in on who the crazies are, they’ll call and offer me a job. #mymouthtogodsears
JoJo, who isn’t complaining or a freakin’ lunatic liar, actually hasn’t gotten any time at all with him.
So naturally, Ben takes her up to the helipad.
JoJo: I’ve never been this high in my entire life!
Me: Uh, I seriously doubt that.
Ben, hands running all over her: Your energy today made me so attracted to you.
Does the neck grab kiss.
And it’s romantic and sweet and he clearly already loves her. (Makes note to keep JoJo on the leaderboard.)
Later, he gives the rose to JoJo, and Lace plots to poison her lipgloss.
One-on-one date with Caila:
Harrison, making an unusual mid-show appearance, tells the group that Ben left the date’s plans up to him (because that’s so unusual) and he’s put together a little (shameless ABC-connected movie plug alert!) Ride Along with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube.
The girls go nuts and act like they recognize them.
The foursome get into a convertible tricked out with about 10 cameras, Hart and the Cube taking over the backseat … and the date.
First stop? A cheezy liquor store where Cube buys Ben condoms and cheap booze, because he’s Ice-freakin’-Cube and he’s hilarious!
Driving down the highway, Caila’s lovely locks becoming a tangled mess, Hart and Ice Cube try to interject snappy one-liners, but they’re more annoying than necessary. When they end up in a sleazy hot-tub store soaking in a questionably sanitary tub of bubbling water with a questionably sanitary, butt-naked Kevin Hart, Ben and Caila are obviously over it.
Hey, you sold your souls to ABC with your eyes–among other things–wide open.
Cut to a commercial break which includes not one but two Ride Along 2 promos. Sigh.
Later that night, Ben and Caila have scrubbed all the chlorinated sludge off of them and are looking fresh at a casual pizza joint.
Over their private dinner they finally get to have a private conversation that goes loosely like this:
Ben: What are you looking for in a man?
Caila: Someone who compliments me. Tells me I’m pretty. And funny. And smart. Why do you feel unlovable?
Ben: I’m kind of boring. Plus, I’ve never felt like I was in a relationship that was a two-way street. People flake. But I desire to be loved! I desire to love!
Ben: Tell me about your past relationships.
Caila: I was with a guy for a year and thought it was fate, but then I saw you on TV and knew that you were my fate so I dumped his sorry ass.
Ben tells the camera that he wants a partner who can talk openly about what love means, and Caila seems like she’d be a perfect wife.
Ben: Caila, will you accept my rose? And by rose I, of course, mean penis.
The date ends with a private concert by Amos Lee, who is Ben’s favorite. Or, Ben’s ABC-contracted favorite.
She’s adorable, they’re adorable together.
Second group date
Olivia, who you totally get the vibe was/is a bitchy sorority girl, the twins, the mama, tragic Samantha, and a couple of others I don’t recognize go to a lab – a love lab – where an ipad robot takes them to Ben, who’s wearing goggles and a weird helmet.
Dr. Love is going to test them with Ben to see what kind of chemistry score they receive.
The twins admit they don’t know much about science anything and that they’re not smart.
First test is retinal tracking.
Basically, a test to see what image they look at first.
Moving on, because it’s the next two that are bizarre … and awesome.
The second test is one to see what kind of odors they give off after exercising, and if those odors are attractive to Ben.
After making them run on treadmills, Ben dons a mask and goes around sniffing their mid-sections (reproductive organs apparently give off scents that do not smell like fish) and their sweaty necks and armpits (which apparently on perfect girls do not smell like stale onion rings).
Shushanna, who actually can speak English, is worried she’ll smell like cabbage, but doesn’t. (#russia)
A twin smells fruity.
Samantha smells sour.
Test three is to see what kind of chemicals their bodies create when they’re thisclose to screwing using thermal energy and cold showers.
Going into a bedroom with each girl, Ben strips down and lays down with them, touching them on their smelly mid-sections.
Olivia is confident.
She and Ben sit face-to-face, noses touching but not kissing.
Their chemicals go crazy.
Olivia wins by a landslide.
Sour Samantha fails miserably.
Later at the Four Seasons, Ben, pimped out in a gray hoodie from Walmart and a $400 tweed jacket, takes Olivia away for some one-on-one time to his actual (for-the-night) bachelor pad where she tells him she’s not surprised she won and then they prove their compatibility by testing to see how their tonsils fit together.
The girls ask Olivia where she and Ben went and she tells them she doesn’t want to talk about it and walks away.
“She’s the worst,” says Amanda.
One of the twins is worried that he has a type and she’s not it.
SHE’S A BEAUTIFUL, BLOND, IDIOTIC TWIN. SHE’S EVERY GUY’S TYPE.
Ben gives Sam another sniff and tells her she smells like passion fruit.
He’s just being nice.
Amanda finally tells Ben she has two daughters.
Ben is crazy excited about this news and tells her that kids don’t scare her and then rewards her by eating her lipgloss off.
He tells her to tell the little girls hello from him when she talks to them tomorrow.
Uh, that’s totes confusing, but whatev.
Rewards Amanda her for her honesty by giving the date rose to Olivia.
Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party:
Girls are scared, especially the girls who haven’t had any time with Ben so far.
Like Leah (the football girl). Ben—truly a gentleman—gives her his jacket immediately, and they bond. Ben tells her he was so confident with her
the night she stuck her sparkly ass in his face on the first night that he didn’t need to take her on a date.
Ben wants to give Wings something so she knows that he hasn’t forgotten about her (she didn’t get a date) – an ABC promo picture of the two of them from night one.
Ben: I don’t know how to make you feel really special…
Wings: Um, I know of like six ways….
Ben: But I hope this picture does. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
Wings: Oh. That’s sweet too. I guess.
Evil Olivia, WHO ALREADY HAS A ROSE, takes Ben away to kiss him until his lips fall off and the girls lose their minds.
Lace pulls Olivia aside to one of the outside living rooms to throw down.
Lace, lying: Do you understand my position? I’ve not had ANY time with Ben and I might not get a rose and I’M THE RIGHT GIRL FOR BEN. I don’t want Ben to think I’m a crazy girl and I want him to know me.
Olivia laughs and laughs.
Lace takes Ben up to a patio and tells him she knows he thinks she’s crazy.
He admits that he does, a little.
Lace: I have reason to be the way I am. I have a very bold personality. I’m also very, very drunk. I’m a lot to handle.
Ben: You don’t say.
Lace: I was so dorky when I was younger.
Ben: You don’t say.
Later, Ben takes mama-Amanda into a side, candled room, to let her know he’s been thinking of her girls and he wants them to make them some barrettes together. Naturally.
Amanda cries over how sweet the barrette-making gesture is. She and Ben take the hot-glue gun ABC made some poor intern run to Michaels and buy earlier in the day, and they make rose barrettes, because apparently Ben is crafty and also, HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE ROSE BARRETTES, GUYS.
Amanda talks to her girls on camera and tells them about her “special new friend,” which I can’t imagine is a term they’re unfamiliar with.
Ben: I honestly didn’t expect to be standing here so early feeling the way I do….about Olivia and Caila. But anyway…
Rachel (whom I swear to God I’ve never seen before)
Lace (another obvious save by the producers)
LB, who is about to get a rose, ain’t feelin’ it, ya’ll, and pulls him aside to tell him she doesn’t know if she can do it. She’s out.
Ben comes back in and tells the girls IT’S A TWO WAY STREET, DAMMIT so good for her.
Emily (Twin #1)
Jade (that’s not her name, but I thought she was Amber and she’s not and and the name he called sounded like Jade but I’m still on sleep sedatives and I’m too tired to rewind to fact check)
Hailey (other twin)
And the sympathy rose (i.e., LB’s rose) goes to Amber, the girl I swear was not part of the Farmer’s season but I guess was
Smelly, sour Samantha
Mandi the crazy dentist, which proves once and for all that being the homecoming queen doesn’t mean shit in the end
A non-descript brunette I’ve never seen before who I’ll call Lauren because that’s probably her name
Leaderboard, week 2:
How I turned that molehill into this tall of a mountain I’ve no idea. And I apologize.
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I’m not picky, just needy. And greedy.
For more recaps of Bachelor Ben’s season, as well as recaps of other Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, click HERE!
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