On the wings of loooooove
only the two of us
together flying highhhh….
Flying high upon the wings of looove
If you don’t know that song from 1982 you are dead to me.
Nah, I’ll forgive you, but seriously, grab a glass of Gallo, light some candles, and take a few minutes out of your hectic life and let Jeffrey Osborne wrap you in his smooth sensuality as he slows it down for you. (But make sure to watch it like the woman is at about 2:18.)
Are you sufficiently relaxed?
Good, because I have some bad news.
Is it the fact that last night’s Bachelor was excruciatingly boring and uneventful and that this recap will be a bit abbreviated because of it?
Um, pretty sure that’s good news, so no.
The recaps are in jeopardy.
Here’s the thing, you guys. I got a better offer.
Most of you know I write TV recaps for Entertainment Weekly as a freelance writer. It’s a gig I’ve had for almost two years and one that I love and am honored to have. Yesterday I got the opportunity to take over the recaps for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend—a show that my whole family loves and has been watching since it premiered in September—which made me Crazy Ex-cited.
Problem is, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend airs on Monday nights.
So, as you see, I’m in a bit of a pickle.
Actually, that’s not true.
It’s a no-brainer for me, but I’m sorry to say it means Ben and his bunch will have to take a back seat, which means the recaps will as well.
To the maybe 80 of you who read and love these recaps, I’m sorry. Truly I am. And I promise to try to throw in a recap here and there if I can, but TBH I’m not sure I’ll be watching on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, no matter how much of a cutie Ben is or how much money you send me (although, we can certainly discuss that last one if you’d like).
Besides, after last night’s episode, it’s over.
We all know he’s gonna pick Wings.
Speaking of, let’s get to it … and try to forget it might be the last one.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
This episode brought to you by these girls.
We open with groups of girls lounging on gigantic poolside couches expressing their hatred for Olivia.
When Harrison arrives with the date card, the air is thick with tension, anxiety, and Screwdriver fumes.
Lauren B. (that’s Wings to you and me) gets the first one-on-one date, and the date card tells her that “The sky’s the limit!”
Because wings, naturally.
Wearing matching powder-blue tops (because, apparently, on Wednesdays we wear powder blue), Ben and Wings take off down the Pacific Coast Highway in the vintage convertible Mustang talking about their scary date and how scary it is to risk your heart.
Strangely enough, neither mentions how scary it is TO DRIVE DOWN THE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY IN A CONVERTIBLE WITHOUT SHOULDER BELTS OR HEADRESTS.
At the airport they pull up to propeller plane that appears big enough for a pilot and one Polly Pocket.
The pilot tells them that not only will they be riding in the open air, but he’ll do some stunts like “twisting, turning, and stalling.”
That’s right — STALLING.
Ben asks Wings to join him on a “magic carpet ride” and I pause the TV to vomit, and then to see if I can remember the lyrics to “A Whole New World” to calm the fuck down (I can.)
Once in the plane and outfitted to look like the Wright Brothers (but really) —
they soar over the ocean and the mountains dipping and diving and manage to hold in the contents of their stomachs by pressing their mouths together for much of the flight.
Landing in possibly Iraq, they disembark their magic carpet to take a soak in one of those illusive middle-of-the-desert jacuzzis.
A ticket to death followed by a portable hot tub in the middle of an 80 degree field of dirt? Lamest date ever.
The evening portion better be a private concert by Billy freaking Joel at the Hollywood Bowl.
Spoiler Alert: It’s not.
Dinner is at an old, historic house that looks like a tacky Grandmother’s house where Ben and Wings’ admiration takes flight as they share personal stories: Ben telling her about the time his dad almost died of a heart attack which made him see the depth of love his parents had for each other and helped him realize how much he wants that for himself, and Wings sharing about how her dad likes to cut the grass.
Somehow, it’s adorable.
Ben really likes her.
I really like her too.
I can honestly say I have no issues with Wings … except for the fact that when she removed the dorky air helmet her hair was perfectly wavy and fluffed.
She gets the rose and (shocker!) a private concert in a barn from a blonde country singer whom they don’t even bother trying to act like they recognize and the pathetic excuse for a one-on-one comes to a close.
The girls (names not important which is a good thing because there are a few in there I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE) meet Ben at the LA Coliseum and are greeted by Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, two members of the World Cup winning US National soccer team, which means only one thing: this is going to be painful, in so many ways.
And it is.
Girls are embarrassingly girly and inept (full disclosure, I would be too) until it’s time to face off against each other in a real game: the winning team getting to spend the evening portion of the date with Ben, the losers getting to spend the evening back at the cat house drinking and talking shit about each other.
The girls bring their A-games and Ben loses his shit on the sidelines, rooting for everyone.
It’s exactly like watching kindergartners play.
Despite twin Emily’s valiant goalie efforts and some cute, hyper girl named Rachel (who I swear they just today stuck in this show) who keeps playing after a calf injury, the team with some other girls and that attention-hog OLIVIA win.
Later at the lovely Los Angeles Inter Continental rooftop, Olivia grabs Ben immediately, as she does, takes him up to a hotel room, as she does, flaunts it in the other girls’ faces, as she does, and canoodles with him on the couch, as she does.
The other girls morph into Plastics.
OLIVIA IS SO COCKY.
OLIVIA IS SO AGGRESSIVE.
OLIVIA IS ANNOYING.
OLIVIA HAS UGLY TOES AND BAD BREATH.
Amber (or someone I just realized is named Jami who looks just like Amber but is not) tells Olivia everything.
Jami (or Amber): They started to pick apart your appearances. It’s stupid.
Olivia: Let me guess. Calves?
Jami/Amber: Good guess, but no.
Olivia: Buggy eyes?
Olivia: TELL ME DAMMIT.
Jami/Amber: Your toes.
Olivia: My fucking TOES??
Jami/Amber: Yes. And you’re welcome for not mentioning your breath.
Olivia is hurt and pissed. “Perfection is lame,” she hisses.
When Ben gives the date rose to Amber (or Jami), he makes a hasty exit by pushing up from the couch from Olivia’s knee, and SHE LOSES HER SHIT with glee because it’s one of the many unspoken SIGNS that he gives her to know that he loves her best.
Weird toes and all.
One-on-one date with Jubilee:
Jubilee is out of her mind with anxiety.
Jubilee thinks Ben has “a type.”
Jubilee thinks Ben’s type are girls who are happy and nice, which she is not.
Jubilee is complicated.
Jubilee is a “train wreck.”
Jubilee eats only hot dogs.
Jubliee does not wear underwear.
When Ben comes to pick her up for their date, Jubilee’s complicated anxiety barrels down the track and she becomes socially awkward and flip and makes random, innocent jokes the other girls take extreme offense to.
Enjoying an afternoon at a mountain-top spa, Jubilee tries to act like Ben’s “type” and fails miserably … at first.
Giggly and goofy and rambling, and not making any sense at all, she at one point jokes with Ben, “I’m not playing, white boy!”
Super relieved he laughs at her joke, she knows he’s cool but then accuses him of not laughing very often, which seems counterproductive.
(Sidenote: What would’ve happened if Ben had joked, “I’m not playing, black girl”? Just throwing it out there.)
Later they get real and Ben tries to chip away at the mountain of a wall Jubilee has taken refuge in. She hints at a heartbreaking past that fully explains her insecurities and issues and Ben is nothing but kind, supportive, and receptive, and I’m all –
Back at the house, though, Jubilee becomes a social pariah. The other girls are like, “Oh, no she DI’INT come home last night with a rose” and talking behind her back about how Ben doesn’t need that kind of shit drama in his life.
Ben arrives at the cocktail party and drops some tragic news: His parents called and two of their close family friends died in a plane crash. He’s stunned and obviously shaken, BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON! He tells the girls that if anything, this has illustrated to him how much he needs and wants someone to be there for and with him when things like this happen.
Olivia naturally takes that opportunity to drag him outside.
Is it to
A. hold him in a tight hug and let him cry a bit?
B. ask him to tell her a few memories of the friends he’s just lost?
C. tearfully tell him right then how much she hates her feet and her cankles and how hard it’s been to live with the ridicule all her life?
If you picked C, you are shockingly correct.
Ben, and the rest of the viewing public, are looking at her like WTF.
Jubilee, however, tells Amanda she’s thinking about how she can make him feel better.
Husband shouts out some NSFW suggestions.
Jubilee takes Ben away to a hidden massage table and rubs his back and neck.
The other girls spy and gossip about what a bitch move that is.
Post-massage (which is just what Ben needed in his time of tension, thankyouverymuch, although I’m sure he wouldn’t have said no to one of the NSFW suggestions), Amber plots an attack on Jubilee and tries to get a group of others to gang up on her.
Jubilee retreats, crying, to the bathroom and Ben follows her to comfort her.
Amber finds them and unleashes on Jubilee in front of Ben, who, of course, defends her.
Exhausted from all the drama, tragedy, and selfishness, Ben collapses on the sofa only to be dragged outside by Lace, who tells him she’s realized she needs to work on herself before she can love another and is leaving.
Ben asks her to take Amber with.
Jami (he wishes it was Amber)
Due to previously explained Crazy (non) Ex-traneous circumstances, I’m cutting it way down this week to my projected final four:
Wings — Definitely has a connection with.
Caila — So cute I can’t not pick her.
JoJo — Although they didn’t have a date, I can’t forget how his hands were ALL over her last week on that rooftop. Might be a frontrunner.
Becca — Don’t think she’ll win, but I do think they have a shared interest … in nothing.
Check back as the season winds down. If my schedule allows it I’ll recap the always entertaining Fantasy Suite dates.
Although, if this episode was any indication of how entertaining the rest of the season will be, I’m not promising anything.
Thanks so much for reading, my friends!
And hey, if you like Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (and have a DVR), make sure to check out my recaps on EW.com starting next Monday!
Never watched it? No problem! You can catch up on episodes 1-8 now on TheCW.com!
And please, make sure to come back to the blog from time to time — I do occasionally write other things than recaps.
For more recaps of other Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, click HERE!
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