Alright, you guys, here ya go.
Since I was able to catch The Bachelor last night in real time and have an hour or so to kill this morning and don’t want to vacuum and really don’t want to get on the treadmill, I thought I’d pop in and share my thoughts—briefly—on what’s been going down the past few weeks since I stepped down from my recapping post. (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend had a week off but will be back next Monday. Are you DVRing?? Good.)
Basically, it’s a typical Bachelorrific mess, isn’t it?
And shit’s getting real.
Our bachelor is starting to lose his mind, most of the girls who are left are terrified to let their walls crumble but are taking a leap and risking their hearts because Ben is amazing, and I’m bored beyond belief.
And by bored I mean enamored.
To catch up:
Olivia was swallowed by tsunami-sized waves in the Bahamas after Ben cruelly made her think she was getting the rose because he was holding it in his hand when he cut her heart out.
Leah turned into a huge lying bitch and her evil planned backfired and we all clapped and cheered because mean girls suck.
Cute Caila came thisclose to getting the boot when she admitted she worried about hurting Ben, the man who’s greatest fear is being unlovable, but somehow talked her way around it.
Becca has yet to show any emotion but prettiness.
Pigs can swim (who knew?).
When one twin loses an appendage (i.e., the other twin) it doesn’t grow back.
Ben is truly a decent guy and I’ve yet to find anything objectionable except his incessant need to talk about deep feelings.
Leah’s lies have sent poor Wings into a downward spiral.
Amanda is—miraculously—still in the game.
What did I get from last night’s episode? Not a whole lot, but here are my thoughts:
- Warsaw, Indiana is apparently stuck in the 1930’s, as is evident by their motor cars that wind up instead of run on fuel.
- ABC had Ben drive a red FORD pickup because what the fuck else would you drive in Warsaw, Indiana?
- Ben’s parents have sex in front of uncovered windows, and it’s apparently a well known fact.
- ABC made Wings risk her beautiful life (sans seatbelt) and squish into the middle of the bench seat right by Ben because how the fuck else does a girl ride with a dude driving a pickup?
- Ben had his first kiss in a movie theater, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T CATCH IT THE FIRST 300 TIMES IT’S BEEN MENTIONED THIS SEASON.
- All the day drinking has led sweet Caila to believe she has enough strength in her size zero body to stop a moving pontoon with one hand.
- JoJo is kind of awesome.
- Becca proves her IQ is as impressive as her communication skills when she spouts things like, “One of two things will happen. She’ll either come home or not.”
- Ordering french fries with an Egg McMuffin at dinnertime is freaking brilliant and I’m ashamed that I haven’t thought of it myself.
- Ben will make a fantastic father, as long as he stops kissing different girls in front of impressionable children.
- Caila has some serious issues about the crap childhood she had prohibiting her to put down roots and now has to settle for a life of being moss, for God’s sake. MOSS.
- Amanda is much more at home standing behind a McDonald’s counter than anywhere else we’ve seen her thus far.
- Warsaw, Indiana is bonkers. (And I kind of love it.)
- Emily needs to drop twin Haley like a hot potato because she’s a dead weight dragging her down, in case you didn’t catch that (or something loosely like that) the 18 times Ben mentioned it.
- Ben loves Wings and JoJo best.
- I do, too.
As for what’s to come? OMG, you guys.
Here’s what I know … because I read US Magazine (obviously)—
- Ben will tell two (or, gasp, all three) of the girls who go to the fantasy suite dates (my guess is JoJo, Wings, and Caila, because next week Amanda’s screeching babies will scare the bejeezus out of him and he’ll realize he wants to wait two or 12 years for that shit) that he loves them. SERIOUS BACHELOR RULE VIOLATION, as we all know.
- Ben has INTIMATE RELATIONS with all three girls. Because duh. And also? Never not gross to me.
- The final two are convinced they are the chosen one. Why? Because sex … and oh, yeah, because HE TOLD THEM HE LOVED THEM, which they know any decent man couldn’t have possibly told someone else this close to the end, right? RIGHT??
- The one who he cuts is DEVASTATED — as you can imagine.
- Ben is devastated, but who the hell cares. YOU DON’T DO THAT, DUDE. The end.
My guess? (And no, I haven’t read any spoilers and if you have, don’t even think of blowing this for the rest of us.)
I’m guessing the final two are JoJo and Wings (Lauren), and it’s JoJo who gets her heart broken and Lauren who is the winner … and then spends the next six months wondering why the hell Ben told another chick he loved her the night before he proposed.
I promise I’ll try my best to pop back in with some thoughts after fantasy suites or after the final rose, because think it finally just might be the most dramatic finale ever.
*While I’m off recapping Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, check out EW.com’s Bachelor recaps! The recapper nails it every week! I love them.
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