The Bachelorette Recap #1: This is going to be so much fun!

Welcome to another season of Bachelorette recaps! And big congratulations to Jordan and JoJo!
See ya in January, folks, g’night!

But really.

I think we can all agree that Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan already has this thing tied up.

But, alas, the road to true love via reality television isn’t that easy, and despite JoJo and Jordan’s instant chemistry and obvious desire to skip the next 7 weeks and head directly to the Fantasy Suite, we have to weed out like 20 other alcohol-soaked, self-important dickwads contestants and watch them all try to be lead dog in this fight for contrived love.

And it looks amazing.

Ya’ll ready for this?
Here. We. Go.

Bachelorette Recap 1

Disclaimer:
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously). 

Let’s just get this out of the way—JoJo seems to be is all kinds of awesome.
She’s confident.
She’s well-spoken.
She’s strong.
She’s can climb lifeguard towers in a maxi-dress.
She’s drop. dead. gorgeous.
No, really. I was about to take a photo to use here of her in a blue bikini walking on the beach but quickly realized if I did I’d have to step on my phone or throw it in the toilet.

Before she can bring on the men, however, she needs some advice, and who better to give it to her than three previously successful Bachelorettes, although I believe only two of them are truly ABC successful: Ali’s bump is courtesy of a *gasp* non-ABC produced hookup (suck it, Roberto); Kaitlyn is still—shockingly—together with what’s-his-name; and Des is happily married to Brooks Chris the poet, and recently announced she is pregnant.

The girls have a weirdly forced convo on a couch where the past B-rettes offer pearls of wisdom about kissing on night one (DO IT!!), being honest (encouraged), being regretful (looking at you, Kaitlyn), and compatibility.
Ali remembers being blinded by Roberto’s sexual magnetism (#neverforget) and Des advises to not confuse lust and love (or, what they were called in her season, Brooks and Chris).
Toasting chardonnays and waters, they cheers to the guys and “enjoying each one of them.”
JoJo: Challenge accepted.

Poured into a beaded, low-cut champagne-colored dress that basically has arrows pointing directly to her boobs—which I’m not ashamed to admit ARE SPECTACULAR, real or not—JoJo meets up for a brief chat with Harrison where she bubbles over about how excited and ready and nervous she is.
Harrison smiles and nods, but I’m quite certain his inner dialogue went roughly like this: EYES ON HER FACE, HARRISON. EYES. ON. HER. FACE.
It’s okay, buddy, I was having a hard time looking away, too.

And then the limos arrive.
For the sake of my sanity and your time, and so we can just get to the stripping at the cocktail party already, I’ll just hit the guys worth remembering.

First out is the future Mr. JoJo, Jordan Rodgers.
In case you forgot, he’s Aaron Rodgers’ less successful brother.
His backstory package tells us that he used to have a girlfriend but lost her because he made football his priority.
Now he’s ready for love and a relationship.
Translation: He didn’t get signed and his dreams are over.

Jordan brings his A-game by being adorable and respectful (read: does not tell her to squeeze his balls — more on that later) and tells her a short bit about his parents’ long relationship.
Grade/prospect: A+/Go ahead and call Neil Lane

Robby is the former competitive swimmer and arrives with wine, opens it, and instructs her to drink straight from the bottle like her mother famously did last season.
“My mom will like him,” she says.
Grade/prospect: B+/smart move that could’ve gone horribly wrong but didn’t, so his prospects are good

Grant is a fireman from San Francisco, has a chin like Dudley-Do-Right, and hopes JoJo is the one who will light his fire.
Grade/prospect: C/Was a solid B+ until that ABC-fed line that he actually said

James Taylor steps out of the limo strumming his guitar and singing a self-penned song because in case you didn’t know HE’S A SINGER-SONGWRITER.
Grade/prospect: B/Cute move with the guitar, but the song was lame which tells me that by “singer-songwriter” James means “Taco Bell employee who plays guitar”

JoJo, meanwhile, is way too relaxed for the situation she’s in and is greeting every suitor with the same question: “Are you excited?” she asks them.
Every man stepping out of the limo: Yes! And if not for the freaking SPANX and DUCT TAPE I have around my groin, that question wouldn’t be necessary. 
She also chirps repeatedly, “This is going to be so much fun!”
If by fun she means for her, then yes, it is.

A half Chinese, half Scottish man named Jonathan steps out in a half tux, half kilt ensemble that JoJo seems to like despite his awkward joke about being Scottish below the waist.
I actually thought his get-up was cute, but the guys inside ripped him apart while ABC kept trying to make us think his kibbles and bits were escaping by slapping a black censor box on him in every shot.
Spoiler alert! He gets axed.

Daniel is Canadian.
The end.
No, really. That’s all he’s got.
Grade/prospect: D/Despite the fact that he gives off a weird “I want to wear your skin like a coat” vibe which is already creeping me out, and the fact that he’ll emerge as the group douchewad (stay tuned), he will {spoiler alert again} OF COURSE get a rose

Just when we thought we might get through this night without a d-bag showing up in, oh, I don’t know, a motorized cupcake, here comes Santa Claus.
Saint Nick, who lists his hometown as the North Pole and can’t stop shouting a jolly “Jo! Jo Jo Jo Jo!” like 1400 times, creepily approaches JoJo and gives her a gift.
And she loves it.
“Who doesn’t love Santa and gifts? Smart man!” she says, perhaps already imagining herself on his naughty list.
Oh, Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo.
No. No. No No No No.
Grade/prospect: C-/Crossing Santa and The Bachelor is pure sacrilege in my book. Thanks for RUINING CHRISTMAS FOREVER, NICK.

Chase is that dude.
The dude who wears glasses with a mustache and actually says, “I mustache you a question, but will shave it for later” with total sincerity.
I hate Chase.
Grade/prospect: C/Go home

Sal brings JoJo a clever gift!
JoJo loves gifts!
Sal brings JoJo blue balls and offers them to her to squeeze if she wants.

britney_disgustedGIFGrade/prospect: F/Sal is disgusting

As more and more attractive guys are entering the house, Daniel the Canadian is getting more nervous … and turned on.
“If I was a gay dude, I’d be in paradise,” he says.
Dare we hope for another Brokeback Bachelorette?

Screenshot 2016-05-24 11.41.14

*crossing fingers*

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist (who used to be a Pastor — called it!) arrives.
He looks like a pedophile.
Or a pirate.
Earlier we learned that Evan really loves “pumping guys up” and “getting them excited” again.
I’ll bet he does.
Evan works hard. “It’s draining,” he tells us.
Something tells me that’s his favorite part of his job.
Grade/prospect: C/If ABC is smart (which the jury is out on) they’ll keep him around for the sound bites alone

Wells the radio DJ brings his A-game, and by A-Game I mean the acapella group All-4-One who serenade JoJo with Boyz II Men’s “I Swear,” which makes JoJo ovulate on the spot.
It’s aca-awesome.
Grade/prospect: A/Well played, Wells.

James S. is a Bachelor Superfan and has Bachelor watching parties with three friends and real brackets.
He also does push-ups on a mountain and talks to an 8×10 of Chris Harrison and will most likely be next seen on an FBI Most Wanted List.
Grade/prospect: D/Watch your back, Harrison

Christian is bi-racial, and before any of you get your panties in a bunch that I qualified him with that label, you’ll feel like crap when you hear the reason why.
His white dad’s parents were racist and he grew up feeling shitty so now he takes care of his brothers to show them what real love is like and OMG I ALREADY LOVE HIM.
He roars into the mansion on a motorcycle, which JoJo eats up because she apparently loves bad boys (as was totally evident by her love for Ben the bad boy Bachelor).
Grade/prospect: B+/Throw a leather jacket on him and I’ll raise that to an A

Ali is a bartender of Iranian descent from SoCal.
His brother and sister are very successful surgeons and dentists.
Ali isn’t about that life.
Ali just wants to surf.
Ali is the hairiest man I’ve ever seen and henceforth shall be referred to as “Wolfman.”
Grade/prospect: C/as average as his life’s goals

Alex is a twin who used to be a lost boy and was thankfully saved by the U.S. Marines.
His brother is happily married but Alex hasn’t had a girlfriend in years.
The unpopular twin, if you will.
Suddenly that whole “lost boy” thing makes sense.
Alex is hot, until you see him walk.
Grade/prospect: B+/Lose the wrestler walk bro, and you might have yourself a game

And then there’s Luke.
Luke is from Texas, just like JoJo.
Luke is a war veteran.
Luke realizes how precious life is.
Luke is a country boy who likes to feed cattle and lean against red barns.
Luke arrives via unicorn which would’ve been ridiculous except for the fact that JoJo arrived in a unicorn mask last season.
God, it’s like he gets her.
Grade/prospect: A+/His overly styled hair makes me suspicious about how much of a real country boy he is, but my money’s on him being in the final four … or the next Bachelor.

There’s obviously many more men who introduce themselves, but my notes just say things like, “Chad: tongue-tied” or “guy that owns boxing club” or “drops index cards and is stupid.”
Here’s all you need to know:
There’s lots of five-o’clock shadows.

Moving on.

Cocktail party:
No sooner has JoJo raised her goblet of Chardonnay and toasted to the fun they’re all going to have (which puts the boys’ spanx/duct tape wraps to the test), Alex the Marine pulls her away and the rest of the bros morph into The Plastics before our eyes.

mean-girls-dont-know-whats-happening
Despite getting a ride on Alex’s butt while he questionably decided to drop and give her 50, JoJo tells us she isn’t feeling it yet with anyone.

And then she goes off with Jordan.
And they do it in the pool house.
No, they don’t, but they’re instantly all over each other.
They talk easily while he’s stroking her bare back. They’re flirty, they’re holding hands—my God, I want to get a room and I’m not even attracted to him.
Jordan wants to kiss her but doesn’t, and instantly regrets it.
We all do, buddy.

Then there’s Will, who brings along a homemade cootie-catcher.
You know, the ones you made and played with in third grade.
The instructions on the inside say that JoJo gets a kiss, which is what every triangle on that cootie-catcher said I imagine.
The kiss with Uncle Will is awkward and chaste and makes JoJo terribly uncomfortable.

And then Jordan reappears.
And he takes her outside.
And he hugs her and rubs her shoulders and then they’re kissing.
And it’s not an uncle kiss at all (well, unless you were my uncle), and it feel RIGHT and PERFECT and you guys, JoJo is DONE.
As Jordan walks away she grins. “His butt! His butt!” she giggles, and for some strange reason I want a cigarette.

Meanwhile, All-4-One is still following Wells around serenading JoJo.
Fingers crossed Wells has paid them to stick around for as long as he’s in it.

Canadian Daniel, who has been seriously getting his drink on, decides to poke Evan in the belly button, which gets a rise out of him, but probably not the kind Daniel was hoping for.
He’s also decided to strip to his bikini briefs (which look a lot like a pair I just bought at Victoria’s Secret — just sayin’) and jump in the pool.

To get us through the rest of this as quickly as possible, let’s play the YMFT Bachelor game of “three words,” shall we?

Guys get drunk
glasses are smashed
interviews are interrupted
Sits on Santa
“Christmas came early”
JoJo said it
I did not
Wish I did
Wolfman plays piano
Wolfman wins points
Luke brings boots
Playing to win
First impression rose
Goes to Jordan
TOLD YA SO

However, the other guys aren’t so convinced Jordan’s first impression rose means shit.
“Olivia got the first impression rose and she was left on an island,” someone says.
Word.

Chad, who has that attractive-slash-I-verbally-abuse-my-girlfriends vibe, is already a dick and trash talking everyone else in the house.
Hello, this season’s Courtney.

kill shot

As the guys gather for the rose ceremony, ABC pulls a dick move and brings in Jake Pavelka, a.k.a., The Worst Bachelor of All Time, to fake everyone out and make all the dudes soil themselves.
Turns out Pavelka and JoJo are old family friends (red flag! red flag!) and he’s just there to offer her advice.
Like anyone would take advice from Jake Pavelka, who chose Vienna.
BRB, I need to brain cleanse remembering that season finale.

And then, finally, it’s time to pass out the first batch of roses.
Are you still with me?

Besides Jordan, who we already know will get all the roses forever, here’s who’s still playing:

Luke the unicorn-believin’ Texan
Wells (But sadly, the word is still out on All-4-One)
Sweet Baby James Taylor
Grant the chiseled-chin fireman
Derek (Who?)
Christian the motorcycle man
Chad the dick
Chase who thinks his mustache jokes are original
Alex the wrestler-walker Marine
Robby the former swimmer and wine bottle swigger
Brandon the hipster
James F. (Who the eff is he?)
Ali Wolfman, the hairy surfer
Saint Nick, because she doesn’t want to kill Christmas
Will (Nope, not registering)
James S. the Bachelor Superfan, who hopefully will be watched 24/7
Vinny the barber, whom I will now call “bangs” (just look at his picture and you’ll understand)
Evan the Erectile Specialist
Daniel the drunk, stripping Canadian … which makes it obvious that ABC owns JoJo’s brain

Leaderboard after Week 1:
Jordan – duh
Luke – ditto
Wells
Robby
Christian
Chad, because the dick always sticks around. Ba dum bum.

Oh, thank God.
It’s over.
That’ll do it for episode 1.
Three hours.
It’s taken me three entire hours to write this, ya’ll, so here’s the deal.
I’ll keep writing them each week if you keep sharing them each week.
Email, Facebook, Twitter, word of mouth…I’m not picky.
I love writing them for you who love to read them, and always appreciate those of you who care enough in return to share.
Thank you!:)

Which brings me to a piece of bad news.
I can’t recap the finale.
I can’t even watch the finale.
I’ll be out of the country.
So, much like all those dates you had in high school when you still had morals, you’re gonna get led right to the edge and not be able to enjoy the grand finale.
But it doesn’t really matter, because if things go as I’ve predicted, I’ve already written it (see: second sentence of this recap).

Let’s just forget about it until July, m’kay?
Enjoy our time together while we can.

See ya next week, when all the real fun will begin!

For past seasons of Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps, click HERE



This +1 button tells Google you liked what you’ve read. Thanks!



Back to Top Subscribe by RSS Subscribe by Email Email Post
  • Amy - Amazing recap!ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Not gonna lie. I’m thrilled you’re recapping again.ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Love it – but ever heard of DVR’s or TIVO? We’ll accept your recap of the finale a month or so later! But back to the first show, personally I think Jordan is a douche – can’t stand his hair and maybe the fact that is brother is Aaron Rogers of the Packers is coloring my opinion (hate the Packers – we’re Chicago Bear fans and they are our nemesis). I sincerely wish ABC didn’t have so much to say about this because there were a couple guys I wish could have stuck around when they “forced” her to keep the drunk Canadian – who isn’t only a drunk – he’s totally weird! And also – personally – would not be really sorry if the acapella group didn’t stick around – talk about “forced”. Whatever – I’m so happy you’re back recapping these shows! Will be tuning in for sure – to you, at least!ReplyCancel

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

*

*

T w i t t e r
F a c e b o o k