Nick. Wes. Justin. Bad news Bently: When these guys were on The Bachelorette in seasons past we thought they were the worst. But there’s a new villain in town, and you guys, this one really is.
He’s an alpha male superdouche.
He’s cocky and arrogant and I’m pretty sure verbally abuses anything that isn’t a protein shake.
Or dressed in a matching black tank top.
But more on that bromance later.
First, we have some hot dates to get to.
And ya’ll, when I say hot, I do mean hot.
Grab a fire extinguisher—and a few bottles of water if you’re a malnourished DJ who never sees the light of day or a free weight—and let’s go.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
JoJo, standing on the 4’x6′ balcony of her CONDO (as if we needed any more evidence that ABC is in financial hell) in an actual CONDO COMMUNITY where she has to *whispers* live amongst locals, tells us that she’s ready and hopeful and can’t wait to find love like Ben and Lauren found—which tells us that no matter how many glass-half-full adjectives ABC feeds her, what she really is is crushed and bitter, but let’s not split hairs. She looks pretty so we’re moving on.
The guys are gathered around the kitchen island toasting what look like mimosas (so many questions) and their voice-overs tell us that so far, things are good. No one has emerged as the class dick.
And then Chad gives a toast. And it goes something like this:
“Fuck you all.”
The guys gather in the living room, waiting Harrison’s arrival.
Wells the DJ is in a sweater beanie, because hipster. (Suck it, Brandon. Wells owns that title.)
Pay attention, folks, it will later become apparent that beanies are Wells’ thang, not to mention his golden ticket.
After being rewarded with a bright blue-button down that brings out the hue in Harrison’s eyes, the group date is revealed, and almost immediately the boys hear a loud crash from the courtyard.
They rush out to find a limo … and holy reality TV, it’s exploded!
There are flames pouring from the open windows!
They all just stand there, expressionless, watching it burn to a shell, while JoJo cusses out ABC for using her housing allowance on an expendable limo.
Just kidding, JoJo arrives via fire truck and steps out in adorably large fire pants, a tight white wife-beater, and adorably enormous red suspenders and mans the hose.
Like a boss.
Seriously, you guys. It was practically a preview of what will go down in the Fantasy Suite.(Cheap hose humor.)
“Are you ready for a hot date?” she asks them.
*Insert groans here*
They all end up at the fire academy where they learn they’ll be doing different firemany tasks to win alone time with JoJo.
Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist is scared.
He’s used to dealing with different kinds of hoses.
Someone who’s not scared?
You know, THE ACTUAL FIREMAN.
The boys suit up in 1,000 lb fireman suits as fast as they can—Grant getting accolades from the chief, obviously—and start doing firemany things like dragging hoses and chopping wood and posing for calendar pages (don’t we wish), and very quickly it becomes evident that one man isn’t quite up for the tasks.
No, it’s not Evan.
(And you need to stop it with the erection jokes, people. You’re disgusting.)
It’s Wells the DJ, who weighs all of 125 lbs. soaking wet and who is currently sweating off half of it in his XS fireman suit.
The chief intervenes and throws the DJ on a gurney, which makes him horribly embarrassed … and gives him extra alone time with JoJo, who, of course, runs to his aid.
WELL PLAYED, DJ.
The three finalists who will compete in a battle to save JoJo from a burning tower (it’s not really burning but that would’ve put some truth in the whole dramatic and compelling thing IMO) are fireman Grant, cowboy Luke, and Wells the dehydrated DJ, because ABC is vicious.
After dragging hoses in a race to put out bonfires, chopping through a piece of plywood, and busting into some drywall, the fireman and the cowboy are neck and neck. Wells is still trying to buckle his helmet I think.
Obviously, fireman Grant beats cowboy Luke to the top by a split second, and Luke turns into a 3-year-old who didn’t get the truck he wanted.
“My time with JoJo just went up in flames,” he pouts, in what we are supposed to believe was an original thought.
COME ON, ABC. At least try to make this seem like reality TV.
Meanwhile, in douchebag news, Chad is back at the manse loading up a suitcase with Costco-sized canisters of protein powder (among other things) and attaches it to his waist with a weight belt and proceeds to do pull ups from an exterior beam.
The other dudes sip cocktails and watch out the windows.
Superfan James deadpans that it’s a gift from above.
I’m not surprised.
James is one of us.
He gets the beauty of the moment.
Later, the other James (that’d be Sweet Baby) is leading the group (sans Chad) in an upbeat sing-a-long. They’re all working together to write a cute little diddy that goes a little something like this: JoJo! JoJo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! JoJoJoJoJO! JoJoJoJoJO!
Ten bucks says ABC whores it out on iTunes later.
Chad tells us they’re all immature and don’t belong here.
And then flexes.
Back on the group date, the gang has cleaned up and is lounging poolside on the rooftop of a building in Los Angeles. As usual. (see: ABC’s dwindling budget.)
JoJo and Grant get their one on one time sitting on a trendy couch outfitted in front of a trendy gas firepit wall.
Right away, Grant reminds her if he’s her boyfriend he might die a fiery death and just not come back one day.
His impending death gets rewarded with a soft, slow kiss and some gentle around the neck/behind the ear stroking from JoJo.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s hot.
Luke, who’s chosen a Heatmiser hairstyle to stick with the theme apparently, is still brooding.
JoJo takes Wells away and tells him he was “such a trooper” about the whole almost dying—twice—for ratings thing.
He laughs it off. Apparently—and because he tells us— he’s quite a jokester.
He shares some photos of his dog. All JoJo sees, however, is Wells in the photo sporting a beanie, which she thinks is hot.
Because I see a tiny resemblance to Zac Efron when I tilt my head and squint, I agree.
Cowboy Luke, who’s been pouting and whining for like all day, finally gets his time with JoJo and they talk for a bit about the military and his time at West Point and his lost friends and his 3-year dry spell and then they’re on a balcony having a soft, slow kiss and he grabs her face with both hands and she moans a bit.
Or maybe that was me.
However, all the soft, slow kisses can’t compete with that beanie, and the date rose goes to Wells, who is quickly emerging as one of my season crushes.
He hired All-4-One to serenade her with Boyz II Men songs
He wears beanies — non-ironically it seems
He shares pictures of his dog on the first date
He laughs off being sent to a fiery death and ridiculed
He obviously could make a killer mix-tape
Resemblance to Zac Efron after a full glass of chardonnay
Starting my campaign now: #WellsForBachelor2K17
One on one date: Derek
“Love is full of choices”
Derek from Iowa, whom I do not remember seeing before, is led out to a baby blue convertible T-Bird that I swear has been used on like three seasons of this show, and JoJo tells him their date has no plans; they’re going to make choices as they go.
Right away two index cards appear.
“SKY” or “SEA”
Oh! I get it! It’s like those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I read voraciously as a kid!
I like it!
JoJo and Derek adorably chant, “1, 2, 3 … SKY!!”
OMGeee it’s like someone told them to say that!!
The decisions continue at the airport, where JoJo miraculously knew how to get to (seriously, was there an ABC producer squatting down in the backseat at the ready to drive them to the airport or the marina?), and they have to choose “NORTH” or “SOUTH.”
This takes a moment of discussion, but after realizing they don’t want to eat burritos in Tijuana they opt for north.
Arriving in San Fran, they choose “GOLDEN GATE” (suck it, LOMBARD STREET) and end up picnicking outside in the S.F. fog overlooking the bridge.
They canoodle and kiss but it’s not nearly as hot as her kisses with the fireman and the cowboy, but in their defense, it looks cold out.
But Derek is adorable.
His monkey ears are adorable.
He seems like a normal, decent guy, but I’m skeptical.
We’ve been duped by Iowa before.
At dinner (she in a fabric disco ball, he in a half zipper sweater and khakis), JoJo feels the need to itemize each choice they made that day and is like, “we can roll with the punches!”
Um, sure, but call me when your decisions are more like this, m’kay?—
clean up the toddler’s PUKE or POOP
take her to URGENT CARE or the EMERGENCY ROOM
cut back on DINING OUT or TOILET PAPER
Then they have a convo about walls and relationships that goes (loosely) like this:
JoJo: Tell me about your past relationships.
Derek (hesitating and stammering): Since my last relationship it’s been hard. I’ve been closed off. It’s hard to open up.
JoJo: SAME! I closed off after Ben told me he loved me and then crushed my heart in a million pieces on national television. But thank god for the butterfly effect because if I hadn’t been totally humiliated and made to feel like a worthless piece of crap I’d have never have met you and we’d never gotten to make all these fun, expensive choices!
Derek: Right?!? So since you opened up and told me all about Ben—which was so brave since, oh, I don’t know, AMERICA WITNESSED IT—I’ll go. (Deep breath) I was ready to get married. But there was another person.
JoJo: You mean like a threesome?
Derek: I told myself I’d be open, but I’m not. I don’t do threesomes. But it helps to hear you were able to do that.
JoJo: Wait. What? No! That was all Ben’s idea…
Anyway, threesome or not, Derek gets a rose.
Back at the house, the guys are having a blast rehearsing their new Disney-labeled hit song, “JoJoJoJoJO” (repeat 18x) while Canada (Daniel) and Chad, in matching black muscle tanks, commiserate how awesome they are but also how misunderstood they are.
They are MEN.
These other guys are CHILDREN.
Laughing and flexing, they agree that knew the other one was cool the minute they met.
The next group date takes place at the ESPN headquarters.
Jordan Rodgers pees himself.
The guys walk in on JoJo doing a broadcast with “Sports Nation” hosts Max and Marcellus.
Rodgers wets himself again, but this time it’s not pee.
Max and Marcellus present a game called “Bachelor Nation” (original) where the guys will have to complete a series of fun games/tasks and ultimately be ranked for the purpose of what I glean is nothing more than bragging rights.
Game #1: Strike a Rose
Guys have to run grab an enormous rose from JoJo and do their best touchdown dance with it.
Rodgers slides on his knees to hog-tie it and immediately complains about getting rug burn on his knees from the astroturf.
Oh, please, you expect us to believe that’s your first time?
Game #2: Eye on the Prize
Guys have to make themselves dizzy and then try to propose to JoJo with a giant ring.
It’s ridiculous and goofy and all the guys are good sports and have fun with it, which pisses of Chad, because HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES.
Umm, actually Chad, that’s exactly what you’re here for.
When his turn comes, he grabs JoJo and spits out, “Will you marry me?”
JoJo: Well, what are the things you love about me?
Chad: STOP NAGGING ME, WOMAN.
And then the place goes nuts.
Alex the marine, who hates Chad with the heat of a thousand bonfires that Wells can’t reach, is giddy. Thinks Chad just dug his own grave.
Obviously Alex has never seen this show.
Game #3: Interview
All the guys answer unoriginal questions, unoriginally, about love and why they’re there and who they’d throw under the bus (Chad, duh) and then it’s Chad’s turn.
After an exhaustible amount of time listening to his sound bites about how immature the other guys are and about how he’s the only one there who’s not fake, he apologizes about the nagging comment.
JUST KIDDING! He says this, “If you’re going to nag me to tell you what I love about you I’m not gonna do it.”
Seriously, you guys, I hate him.
JoJo, of course does not.
She thinks he’s honest and upfront and SHE LIKES THAT ABOUT HIM (I guess she’s choosing to ignore the I-verbally-abuse-my-girlfriend vibe thing he reeks) proving that her douchewad and bullshit radar is nonexistent. And makes it very, very clear why she’s looking for a mate on “reality” TV.
getting their pockets greased by ABC exhibiting a questionable radar?
The hosts of “Sports Nation,” who reward Chad for his honesty with a second place rank.
Sweet Baby James, who sang his answers, because he’s freaking JAMES TAYLOR AND DON’T ANYONE FORGET IT.
Later (don’t worry, the end is in sight, folks), after much, much more drama between Alex and Chad and Chad’s ego, JoJo and Sweet Baby James get some alone time.
So he reads her a song about himself (way to keep her guessing, JT).
And I’m not sure if it’s the part about how he loves chick flicks or how he always loves a happy ending (you go, bro), but it makes her cry.
So he gets a kiss.
Meanwhile, Chad is continuing to narrate the night in voice overs, criticizing every single other guy there in great detail, which makes one thing very evident: he’s been studying them all verrrry closely.
Chad and JoJo go for a talk.
Jojo: Chad owns what happened today, but he’s overcompensating for something but I don’t know what.
Me: Oh! I know! I know! Is it the fact that he’s a closeted homosexual?
He says his last relationship was four years ago.
JoJo: What happened?
Chad: I killed her.
Fine, he doesn’t say that, but he does tell her, with zero expression on his face, that his mom passed away just six months ago but he’s good, because even though she was his best friend (doubtful), he inherited her little maltese puppy who is amazing and reminds him of his mom every day.
I bet he kicks it.
Chad and JoJo make a wish together in a wishing well.
Then he kisses her and grabs the back of her head in a semi-aggressive way and I keep thinking he’s about to take it and smash it into the wishing well.
Shockingly, she lives, and gives the date rose to Sweet Baby James.
“Goodness!” he grins goofily, and gives everyone there a hug.
He just loves a happy ending.
Cocktail party and rose ceremony
Chad is missing.
He’s waiting on the front steps with wine for JoJo when she arrives and tells her he wants to go for a little walk.
Me: DON’T DRINK THAT WINE! DON’T GO FOR A WALK! TAKE A BUDDY!
Chad tells her he’s not about the frat party life the rest of the guys are living and makes sure to leave his scent on her before they enter the party.
To her credit, she acts like she’s annoyed by it.
Inside the party, Alex’s vendetta against Chad is reaching a high and volunteers to fetch him to bring him in front of the firing squad, but all Chad wants to do is graze the buffet.
Chad: You guys don’t want to eat? You don’t want the meat-on-a-stick? It’s delicious!
You guys, it’s like my case against him is writing itself.
Meanwhile, JoJo is outside with Chase, who didn’t get a date this week, when it starts snowing.
CHASE MAKES IT SNOW.
WHO’S WEARING ADORABLE MITTENS WITH HER PAGEANT DRESS.
Chase tells her he wants to bring a little of his world to her.
Oh, Chase. Chase Chase Chase Chase.
I ADORE YOU.
Much, much classier and unforgettable move than the mustache jokes you entered with last week.
You are officially forgiven and firmly on my leaderboard.
Back in the house, Chad is still stuffing his face with lunchmeat and casually dropping it all over the floor, and all the guys are still HATING CHAD.
Chad is loving the attention … eating it up, if you will.
While JoJo and some dude I don’t recognize are out TPing the mansion (but really), Chad tells us AGAIN how immature everyone else there is and he ain’t got time for it.
So he interrupts like four one-on-one times JoJo is having to get in her face.
JoJo, slightly annoyed that he broke into her conversation: Something on your mind?
Chad: Uhh…I like meat.
JoJo: You’re mysterious. And by mysterious I mean a dick and I hate you.
Oh, wait, maybe I said that last part.
Okay, time to fast-forward this shit.
Alex is still mad.
Chad walks away.
More threats and intimidation.
And perhaps the most interesting reveal, Chad knows specific scenes from “West Side Story.”
Chad saunters in eating a sandwich.
No, really, he does. AND continues to chew it during the passing out of roses.
He’s a jackwad.
Sweet Baby James
Canada – why?
Leaderboard after week 2:
So you guys, apparently next week is a TWO NIGHT bonanza, which means four hours, two recaps, and around 10 hours of my life ABC will once again steal from me.
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