The Boys of ‘The Bachelorette’: Are ya’ll ready for this?

Hold onto your cocktails and ditch your dignity, you guys, we’re T minus 11 days until The Bachelorette premiere!

oprah

Since I had to cut my recaps short with Bachelor Ben (who is happily—and shockingly—still firmly committed to flying into the sunset with Wings (check out her ridiculous Instagram pics — and by ridiculous I mean adorable)) I’m chomping at the bit to tear into JoJo.

That’s what he said.

rimshot

Nah, I actually like JoJo, so I doubt there will be any much snark where she is concerned and … hold on, I have to laugh for 13 minutes at the direction that sentence was taking.

OF COURSE THERE’LL BE SNARK.

I mean, let’s review:
She’s gorgeous.
She’s got a banging body.
She’s fiery and independent and doesn’t seem like too big of an idiot.
She’s The Bachelorette.
Game on, JoJo.

Having said that, when I look back at my other Bachelorette recaps I notice a definite trend: It’s the guys that get the brunt of most of the snark and ridicule.
Why?
I think taking a look at some of JoJos hopefuls will answer that question.

Here’s Brandon –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.22.34
Brandon’s a hipster.
No, really. That’s his occupation.
Hipster.
I already want to strangle him with something plaid.


Meet James S. –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.25.12

I’ll give you three guesses as to what it is that occupies James S.’s days.
Dentist?
Nope.
Youth leader?
Nuh-uh, although looking at his picture, that’s a damn good guess.
Bachelor Superfan?
Ding!Ding!Ding!

HE’S A BACHELOR SUPERFAN.
What kind of person’s occupation is a Bachelor Superfan?
Wait. Don’t answer that.
*Googling frantically to see where I can apply….


Recognize this guy?

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.32.20

I’ll give you a hint: He’s a singer-songwriter, and his initials are JT.

IT’S JAMES TAYLOR, PEOPLE!

No, really.
His name is James Taylor and he’s a singer-songwriter.
Of course he is.


Say hello to Nick S. –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.34.21

Nick S. claims he is a software salesman, but that jaunty bandana screams hipster.
Suck it, Brandon.


Meet Robby –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.35.54

Robby is a former competitive swimmer.
Robby probably sits around all day wearing his swimming medals watching reruns of The Bachelor.
Robby tried to list “superfan” as his occupation, but it was already taken.


Jumping on the “I used to be cool” bandwagon is Jordan –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.50.40

Jordan is a former pro quarterback.
Jordan is also the brother of a current pro quarterback (Aaron Rodgers), which totally gives him street cred … unless you are not a fan of the Packers.
Don’t worry, I’m already devising a drinking game around his name dropping and football references.


Here’s Vinny –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.38.27

I think it’s fairly obvious from the photo, Vinny is a barber.
You don’t get a tight, clean bang line like that if you’re, I don’t know, a former competitive swimmer.


This is Wells –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.41.42

Wells is a radio DJ. and wears cool jackets with ironic patches and throwback buttons because his name and occupation demand it.
Obviously.


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Evan –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.46.36

At first glance, you might think Evan has Brandon, Nick S. and even (dare I say it) Wells beat for resident hipster, right?
Wrong.
Oh, wait! Is he a youth leader?
Good guess, but nope.
Evan is an erectile dysfunction expert, naturally.
The competition just got a lot harder.

rimshot
There are some contestants that have totally normal jobs like real estate agent and bartender and (shocker!) male model, and there are some hotties in the bunch, too.
But even hot guys have issues.

Like Derek –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.58.08

I feel there’s some childhood trauma he maybe needs to work out

Screenshot 2016-05-12 11.58.47

And Chad –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 12.01.02

Screenshot 2016-05-12 12.01.16

Douche.

 

I do have hope for the fair JoJo, however.
On paper, I like Alex (U.S. Marine) –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 12.03.59
And I like Chase (Medical Sales Rep.) –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 12.04.54
And firefighter Grant‘s not too shabby –

Screenshot 2016-05-12 12.06.03
… but as we’ve learned, once the booze starts flowing and the egos are unleashed, it’s anybody’s game.

Carb up, my friends, and start the separation process with your self-respect, because we’re under two weeks away!
Monday, May 23rd we’ll see what kind of game these men bring to JoJo’s (cough) playing field, and I’ll meet you right back here sometime on the 24th to break it all down for you.

If you need me in the meantime, I’ll be at Costco stockpiling Chardonnay.

 



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