If you’re expecting to read much about our fair and lovely Bachelorette JoJo in this recap, you might as well move on along, because she was barely in this episode at all.
But if you’re expecting to read about that jackwad Chad, an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist with a death wish, and ABC-sponsored PORN, then welcome! You’ve come to the right place.
Pull up a yoga mat (one that’s not sticky preferably), mix yourself a Muscle Milk cocktail, and let’s go.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
The mansion is still a disaster from the previous night‘s frat party: There’s toilet paper draped in the trees, beer bottles covering every surface, guys passed out on overstuffed pool sofas, and Chad’s spit-out meat still littering the floor. It’s like ABC expects these guys to be responsible and respectful adults who clean up after themselves.
The bromance between Chad and Canada Daniel continues as the two measure out their morning protein powder and discuss whose tendons are more visible when they flex.
Harrison, arriving in a royal blue v-neck and lighter blue button-down (IT’S LIKE HIS EYES ARE EXPLODING OFF MY SCREEN, PEOPLE), deposits the first date card.
It’s for Chase.
You remember, the one who made it snow on JoJo.
The one we like.
One of the only ones we like for the simple reason that he is not Chad.
JoJo and Chase’s date takes place at a yoga studio so right away you know it’s gonna suck.
JoJo tells us she’s never done yoga before.
Neither have I.
Neither has my husband, who wonders aloud, “Doesn’t yoga make you fart?”
Excellent question, husband, especially after we hear from the yoga instructor that this isn’t going to be regular yoga, it’s going to be intimate yoga.
Of course it is.
Because ABC is a whoremonger and feels the need to interject sex and fluids into everything.
The instructor demonstrates the “anger-gasm” JoJo and Chase are required to perform, which includes pelvic thrusts, grunting, shouting, and flailing.
Basically labor with a happy ending.
JoJo: This anger-gasm looks more like an exorcism.
Up top, sister.
Despite their awkward hesitation at the outset, though, Chase and JoJo seem to *cough* find their groove when JoJo is instructed to straddle Chase and wrap her legs around him as he sits
Indian-style criss-cross-applesauce on the floor.
With their noses about an inch apart, with JoJo’s fingertips lightly trailing up and down Chase’s bare back, and with JoJo’s yoga pants being the only thing that’s blocking Chase from firmly attaching himself to her in that moment, they kiss. And kiss.
And suddenly, their gasm becomes a lot less angry.
Later, after I’m assuming ABC sends in three burly men with a crowbar and some vaseline to physically detach them, Chase and JoJo enjoy a quiet dinner at a vineyard.
They have a lighthearted conversation about how connected they felt during their date (OMIGOD WE KNOW) and then blabber on and on about finding the right person and how excited they each are about finding the right person and how excited they both are about finding each other, even though they both speak with zero inflection.
Chase gets the rose and a private concert from a country singer who wants us to buy his new single.
Back at the mansion, Chad and Daniel have ditched the matching black tanks in lieu of matching black shorts and are lifting weights and considering making connections of their own. #whoneedsyoga
Group Date – “Love Has No Secrets”
I could save us all a lot of time and sum up the group date like this — The guys have to tell shocking sex stories in front of an audience and Chad is accused of having ‘roid rage — but of course, I’ll add about 300 more details.
Before the date even starts, Chad makes it public that he doesn’t want to go. He wants a one-on-one with JoJo and has zero interest in sharing her with others.
Pulling him out of his trance where he’s imagining the special, windowless room he’ll build for her in his basement, the guys come unglued.
Evan the Erection Specialist is suddenly and emphatically Team Chad-is-a-Dick and starts what will eventually become known as his death march, throwing shade and insults at Chad, who could easily eat him alive and still have room for some meat-on-a-stick.
Aaron Rodgers’ brother joins the mob.
Jordan: Whatever team Chad’s on [on the date] let’s hope it’s a bench press competition and not a spelling contest.
Chad: You trying to insinuate I’m stupid?
Jordan: Nice word, but no. I’m actually not insinuating anything at all by that statement.
Chad: You’re just a 27 year old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life but throw a stupid piece of leather.
Jordan: Hey, shut up. My brother’s super rich.
It goes on like this for like another hundred minutes. Fueled by Evan and Jordan’s insults, expensive IPAs, and assorted brown liquors, more guys jump aboard the I-Hate-Chad verbal assault bandwagon.
Alex calls Chad a piece of shit.
Chad threatens him, but Marine Alex is all, BRING IT, BROKEBACK, and Chad retreats to eat some ham.
The guys meet up with JoJo at a small, blackbox theatre, where they walk in to watch a woman take the mic and proceed to have an orgasm.
In front of the audience.
Standing up at the mic.
Almost everyone is uncomfortable.
JoJo is uncomfortable.
The guys are uncomfortable.
My 20yo and 15yo are uncomfortable.
I’m uncomfortable because I’m sitting right next to my 20yo and 15yo.
My husband, however, is cool.
Then the lady proceeds to tell them a story that should’ve started with “Dear Penthouse Forum” to warn us all (especially those of us SITTING NEXT TO OUR CHILDREN) of what we were about to hear (but did not) and then tells the guys they’re part of a fun show called “Sex Talk” where the participants divulge their “deepest, darkest sexual secrets.”
The guys are horrified.
Evan the Erection Specialist is like, I’ve totally got this.
So they all grab tumblers of Scotch and take 45 minutes to come up with a story that will impress JoJo and embarrass the hell out of their parents.
They’re all stumped.
Moan and groan about not having anything to write about.
Act like they’re actually considering telling a true story about their sexual exploits FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES.
It’s about this time that Evan has the brilliant idea to use his open mic time to call Chad out about using steroids instead of, oh, I don’t know, ANY ONE OF LIKE 500 FABULOUS STORIES HE PROBABLY HAS ABOUT HANDLING MEN’S JUNK.
The show begins with Christian’s adorably awkward story of the time he was 16 and had sex for the first time in a sleeping bag (rookie mistake) and got arrested, and then you guys I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch any of the rest.
Why’s that, you ask?
Because good Ol’ Saint Nick takes to the mic and immediately begins demonstrating how he’s proficient at his ABC’s (use your imagination) and I scream, “EARMUFFS! EARMUFFS!” to my 15yo but even when I hit mute and she’s covering her ears we can still see him pantomiming his technique and OMIGOD ABC YOU ARE KILLING ME.
So I fast forward.
With my eyes closed.
And every muscle in my body tensed.
While my 15yo is screaming.
And while my husband and 20yo are screaming at me to let them watch.
NOT ON MY WATCH.
NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.
But then it’s Evan’s turn, and since we know his sex story is all about Chad, we watch.
And he begins with this, which should be the subtitle of every Bachelor/Bachelorette episode ever, “This is a cautionary tale…”
And his tale is about how steroid use is bad.
How it causes irritability.
And Chad immediately recognizes himself in Evan’s tale and loses his shit.
Pulls Evan’s t-shirt back when Evan walks back to his seat.
Takes to the stage, forehead vein bulging.
Calls JoJo up.
Me: DON’T GO UP THERE! IT’S A PUBLIC SACRIFICE!
He flexes a bit, gives the audience a smug glare, and spits out, “Today’s not about the past, it’s about the future” and goes to give JoJo a giant kiss but SHE SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN AND TURNS HER HEAD.
The guys erupt.
They love it.
Chad punches a cement door on his way out before pushing Evan’s scrawny neck with his toned fingers and tells him he’s gonna die.
His hand is bloody. “If I can’t lift weights I’m gonna murder someone,” he says, effectively eliminating all of America from serving on his jury in the future.
Evan — once again — blames ‘roid rage.
I blame Obama.
That night at some hipster home furnishings store (sorry you had to miss this date, BRANDON) the group gathers, apparently all but Alex and Christian having received the memo to wear black leather jackets.
JoJo and Jordan (with his hair higher than I’ve seen it) sit and talk about his old girlfriend (“I put other things ahead of her” – says he. “Like other girls?” wonder I) and a lot of words about putting others first and putting yourself out there and they kiss and JoJo tells him he’s cool and that she now understands him better.
Makes one of us.
Chad and JoJo finally get to talk (after Chad tries to bust up her convo with Saint Nick, who is probably spelling out every word he’s saying to her with his tongue sticking out of his mouth) and Chad is totally drunk and slurs that everyone has a problem with him but that he’s generally a nice guy.
Later, Chad tells Vinny with the Bangs that Evan was the one who instigated the violence by pushing through him to get to his seat.
Um, Evan weighs like 135 pounds.
With an erection.
Chad weighs like 225.
Says he was just trying to stand up for himself.
Oh! Okay then. BY THREATENING MURDER.
Later the guys are sitting in a group when Evan decides to go ahead and throw himself on his sword.
Evan: Hey, Chad, why are you here? You ripped my shirt. Why didn’t you apologize?
Chad: Stop bullying me. Leave me alone.
Chad’s voiceover: Evan’s just trying to get a rise out of me.
Me: Well, that is his job…
To end this quickly because I don’t give a damn anymore, Evan tells JoJo Chad’s a bully and JoJo tells Chad not to be a bully and Evan tells JoJo that if Chad stays, he goes, and JoJo gives the date rose to Evan even though she tells him Chad might stay and when Chad finds out he loses his shit.
Chad: Is this for real? You’re actually vibing on this dude?
JoJo: Don’t be disrespectful. I don’t like this side of you.
Me: WHAT OTHER SIDE IS THERE?
One-on-One Date: Sweet Baby James
JoJo and Sweet Baby are decked out —and looking adorable — in 40s garb and take swing dance lessons from an old hoofer who Sweet Baby is instantly smitten with.
He showers her with attention and respect and it’s clear that this guy has charm and manners, which is refreshing at this point in the episode.
You know, the point where I start wishing I could tolerate more alcohol.
Despite Sweet Baby being a complete failure on the dance floor, the two have a blast free styling with some impressive swing dancers at a street party and it’s clear this guy’s a keeper … but sadly, I don’t think for JoJo.
Later, up at a lookout point with the city glittering below, they sit on the hood of the baby blue T-bird and drink something out of thermoses (50 bucks says his is Kool-Aid) and he tells her about his awkward teen years (he was goofy and had big ears and for some reason was called “Longneck Luke”) which is why he still feels unworthy around girls like her.
She’s cute with him and rewards his sad story with a kiss and a rose and tells us she finally thinks they can get past the “friend zone” but I don’t believe her.
I feel like they’ll always be pals.
Then he pulls out his guitar because (say it with me) HE’S JAMES FREAKING TAYLOR and he plays her a song which, once again, makes her cry.
They make out some more and I get that Flowers In The Attic feeling — you know, where them kissing seems sort of incestuous but also sort of hot and gross at the same time.
Back at the mansion the other guys are scared for their lives and have a beefy security guard stand watch over Chad as he sleeps and flexes.
Daniel, who apparently doesn’t like being associated with a narcissistic tyrant, has a sit down with him to lay down some new bromance rules.
Daniel: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler.
Chad, eating a yam — whole: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.
Daniel goes on to compare him with Trump and Mussolini and asks him to take it down a notch.
Chad sits there munching on lettuce, looking at Daniel like he wants to kill him instead of bone him.
The day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony arrives but so does Harrison, who tells them that JoJo doesn’t want to have a cocktail party, instead she wants to have an ALL DAY POOL PARTY!!!
Jordan Rodgers wets himself imagining JoJo in a bikini.
Chad doesn’t want to see her in a bikini, because he can already imagine how she looks through her dress.
He also can imagine how it would feel to wear her skin, but he wisely keeps that nugget of info. to himself.
When Harrison leaves, Evan trots after him.
Tells him about Chad’s threats.
Harrison acts like this is the first he’s hearing about it.
Tells them that the show takes it seriously, so he’ll
step in save the day.
Harrison talks to Chad.
Tells him to knock it off.
Chad insists he hasn’t started anything.
using steroids bringing steroids with him.
Harrison draws a line.
Tells Chad to settle the fuck down.
Chad stalks back in.
Vows to beat Evan to a bloody pulp.
Who will survive the pool party bloodbath? We’ll find out tonight! Stay tuned….
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