It’s a tough time to be JoJo.
Just when she thinks it’s safe to venture out into the woods without fear of being murdered by an arrogant, volatile ass-hat, she realizes she’s surrounded by them.
Things suddenly took an interesting turn, didn’t they?
And if you’ve watched this series for more than a couple of seasons, you know by interesting I mean completely expected.
The name calling.
The douchebag behavior.
The loss of all rational thought and good judgment.
Seriously, it’s so expected it’s almost enough to make you believe in the reality part of “reality TV.”
Grab an Atlas, folks, it’s time to take this shit-show south of the border, and if you’re like a handful of the players you’ll need help with the navigation.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
Before you pull out your passport (assuming you know you’re actually leaving the country), let’s clean up the mess with all the Chads.
Trust me, this handy guide will come in handy throughout the recap.
Chad 1.0 – JoJo’s ex-boyfriend. The one she broke up with for like the millionth time right before she went on The Bachelor who tried to get back together with her by writing her a long “Dear JoJo” letter that made her cry and feel confused for a quarter of a second before she remembered she was suddenly in love with Ben.
Chad 2.0 – The Muscle Milk-fueled jackwad with ‘roid rage who (allegedly) threatened to kill all the other contestants this season. Except Daniel from Canada. His bae.
Chad 3.0 – Pretty much everyone else left in the game, excluding Wells, of course, because Wells is our bae.
Still feeling the effects of ABC’s lack of budget or imagination, the guys are desperate for something interesting to do in Nemacolin, PA.
Like who isn’t.
So they have a memorial for the recently departed Chad (2.0).
With show troubadour Sweet Baby James strumming a dirge on his ever-present guitar, Wells leads them in a ritual of spreading Chad’s “ashes” — the remains of his jumbo tub of protein powder.
And then, miraculously, Chad himself shows up and knocks on the door and the guys all shit themselves and run outside and start frantically licking their fingers and pressing them to the ground trying in vain to pick up as many molecules of the precious powder as they can before he realizes what they’ve done and cuts out their hearts with his teeth.
Nah, not really.
He’s just there to be all chill and let them know it’s all good.
Jordan tries to backhandedly apologize and coerce an apology out of Chad.
Chad: When you all attack me the only thing I know how to do is get physical.
Wells pipes up: Well, you could have the choice of just saying … like … whatever.
Well said, DJ.
WHO TALKS FOR A LIVING.
[I still love you.]
Chad tells them he had no choice but to threaten them all with death, and with a twirl and a puff of Muscle Milk, he’s gone.
Meanwhile, JoJo and Alex apparently had an amazing end to their Blair Witch date, but all we see is some disgusting kissing and an ugly, fringed robe sweater that JoJo questionably chose from her sparkly wardrobe ABC spent all its budget on.
However, we do get to see the hero’s welcome the boys give Alex when he returns, to honor him for being the one to “slay the dragon.” But really, they chant “dragon slayer!” and light indoor fire torches and shove a cake we’re supposed to believe they baked in his face.
It’s another one of those details I fervenntly wish I’d made up for added humor, but you guys, it’s not.
JoJo arrives at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party in a dress that looks like the Wrigley’s gum wrappers I used to shred for fun when I was a kid, and tells them all how emotional and hard this week has been for her.
The guys see her kissing Robby outside by the fountain and all start losing their minds as they suddenly seem to realize she’s actually dating all of them and just as suddenly figure out what show they’re all on.
Jordan, wanting to make sure she remembers he’s at the top of the draft, takes her aside and pushes her up against the wall in an attempt to recreate Ari’s unforgettable move with Emily in Croatia.
But Jordan’s wall move is more like a tackle and JoJo kind of yelps in fright.
Or maybe that was me.
Having lost their common enemy (Chad 2.0), the guys implode.
They’re jealous and petty and if you’re a stocky Marine with some obvious anger issues, downright mean.
Basically, most of them morph into tiny Chads minus the Muscle Milk and verbalized death threats, because why the hell not.
Already rosed: Luke, Jordan, Alex
Derek, who I’ve just realized looks like Jim from The Office
Vinny with the bangs
Sweet Baby James
and Evan, who immediately gets a relief erection
James F. (um…who the hell?)
and Canada Daniel, who attributes his dismissal to his sucky personality because it’s certainly not because of his banging body.
Just ask Chad (2.0).
JoJo gives the boys the exciting news that they’re taking the drama international and heading to *insert drum roll and breathless anticipation* URUGUAY!!
As they do shots of whiskey and Zika antidote, they all cheer … and then question where the hell Uruguay actually is.
Upon arrival to the “beautiful beach resort” of Uruguay (m’kay, ABC, we’ll have to trust you) the boys check into a oceanfront hotel room which Evan excitedly tell us has “a 360° view of the ocean!”
In related news, Evan flunked 4th grade geometry.
The date card arrives and it’s revealed that the first one-on-one date goes to Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Jordan wets himself with excitement.
All the other guys who seemed to like him yesterday are all, UGH, he’s such a fame whore. We hate him and his high hat of hair.
Seriously, it’s like they’ve done a 180 on him.
Or, if you ask Evan, a 360.
While JoJo and Jordan are on their typical, unoriginal, Bachelor-beach date (a sail on a yacht! showing off chests and boobs! swimming in the ocean!), someone’s set a barbershop up in the hotel for Vinny-with-the-bangs, who despite his 2001 boy band haircut, is actually a barber.
Not only has ABC given him a little room outfitted with a salon chairs and a crudely lettered sign (I bet Evan made it), they’ve also tossed in a RANDOM issue of Life & Style magazine, the raggiest rag mag there is besides The Enquirer.
So a few of the boys are all gathered in the beauty shop … er, I mean barber shop … gossiping about the latest celebrity scandal in the magazine while Vinny cuts their hair.
It’s very Steel Magnolias.
And as it happens, the story is about none other than our fair JoJo.
And Chad 1.0.
Who basically says in the article that JoJo is still in love with him and her intentions on this journey aren’t pure.
And the guys are all like, OHMIGOD DO YOU THINK THIS IS TRUE?
And I’m like, OHMIGOD ABC YOU ARE SUCH A WHORE TO SET THIS UP.
Seriously, you guys. Those of you who know one thing about this show know that when you’re on it you are forbidden to have access to your phones, television, newspapers, AND MAGAZINES.
And also? Like we’re really that gullible to think the ONE magazine that is in the PRETEND BARBER SHOP just happens to be one with a scandalous story about JoJo.
But guess what? THE GUYS ARE.
Meanwhile, JoJo and Jordan are at dinner getting real and breaking down walls and JoJo tells him she just so happened to run into his ex in Dallas (my money says she also just so happened to be with an ABC producer) who said Jordan was shit as a boyfriend and Jordan swiftly plays the whole thing in his favor.
Their convo goes something like this:
JoJo: I’m scared of getting my heart broken! It’s my biggest fear!
Ben Higgins, somewhere in Colorado: *quickly changes channel*
Jordan: Totes get it! It was a roller coaster with my ex. I came out of it scared and untrusting.
JoJo: I actually met your ex. She says you blew her off and there were trust issues.
Jordan: *takes a long pull of his brown liquor, high hair ON POINT*
Jordan: Huh. That’s interesting. I don’t know what to say.
JoJo: But you told me you were ready for marriage!
Jordan once again tells his sad football tale of basically never being his brother.
Jordan: She was on the roller coaster with me when I was at my best and when I was at my worst.
JoJo: Was there cheati—
Jordan, clearly never having read the liar’s manual that states not to jump in with a denial so quickly: NO!!
JoJo: I wish I could read your mind.
Jordan: I’m damn glad you cannot.
Jordan: I mean, I didn’t physically cheat. There was a lot of girls in the locker room who I probably shouldn’t have talked to and maybe shouldn’t have pretended to do stuff with…
He then plays the pastor card.
And effectively wins the game.
Jordan: My pastor told me not to tell someone you love them unless you’re ready to put a ring on it. I know what kind of man I am now and I’m not a cheater. I know what my faults are.
JoJo, hearing nothing after the word pastor: Come here, YOU! You had me so scared!! I TOTALLY TRUST YOU FOREVER.
Jordan’s voicevoer: Her believing my ridiculous, off-the-cuff story means everything to me. Good thing I thought of that whole pastor angle.
Later that night JoJo is giving her post-date interview to one of the ABC producers and telling him the date was the best of her life — straight out of a romantic movie.
JoJo: I feel so happy! I don’t think anything could take that feeling away!
ABC producer: Challenge ACCEPTED.
Hands her the Life & Style magazine and instructs her to open it.
She reads it.
JoJo: Ew. Are you kidding me? Why are you showing me this?
ABC: Because we called Chad 1.0, told him to sell this story to the magazine, and then planted it in Vinny-with-the-bangs’ hastily set up pretend barber shop for the boys to gossip over. We’re super proud of it.
JoJo: The guys have seen this??
ABC: Um, hello — are you not aware of a little something called RATINGS?
JoJo immediately bursts into tears of anguish.
Runs to the guys’ room that Evan still thinks is a circle.
Tells them the story is trash.
Sobs and cries.
They all sit there and stare at her, hiding their multiple copies of Life & Style under their couch cushions.
JoJo, dressed as Sheba, Queen of the Desert, meets the dudes on the dunes where they go sand surfing.
During the evening portion, Luke tells her — without moving his lips and WITH ZERO EXPRESSION — that he knows she’s the one for him and that he also knows she’s here for the right reason and then proceeds to grab her face and suck her uvula out of her mouth.
Derek (a.k.a., Jim from The Office) is a little worried.
Since his San Fran date of choices he hasn’t felt that noticed, and the weird thing is, he’s getting jealous.
IT’S NOT WEIRD AT ALL, DEREK. SHE’S DATING LIKE 15 OTHER DUDES.
JoJo tells him how she knows being vulnerable can be scary and make you feel closed off.
ABC congratulates her for using all her mandated buzzwords in one sentence.
JoJo rewards Derek’s insecurities with the date rose which makes Alex loses his shit and call Derek an “insecure little bitch,” which imo is a fairly good self-evaluation instead of an insult to Derek.
My husband, Googling frantically, finds Alex’s doppleganger:
One-on-one date with Robby
Robby and JoJo meet up and do the other typical, unoriginal Bachelor-beach date (tour the city! eat local! chat up the natives!) and then it’s time for the requisite LEAP OF FAITH.
We all know all the soundbites-of-double-meaning well.
“Taking a leap is scary!”
“I want to do it but it’s a risk!”
And then they hold hands and jump off a cliff and there’s more soundbites about trust and I pause to vomit and then refill my wine glass.
Back at the hotel the guys are somber and doing some math.
Jordan is trying to calculate how many roses have been given and how many will be given out and how many are left.
All the guys sit there confused, and you can almost see them mentally counting roses.
Evan’s head explodes.
They then turn their mental anguish to Derek and start attacking him for getting the pity rose.
Derek is all, yeah, whatever, jackasses, but WHO’S SITTING HERE WITH A ROSE?
Alex keeps pushing Derek and somehow gets Chase to move to his dark side.
Alex is an ass hat.
At dinner, Robby’s busy throwing his entire hand on the table.
He tells JoJo a sad story about his best friend who (PSA ALERT) drove off a bridge and died while texting his girlfriend he was about to propose to.
It taught him that tomorrow might never come and so he quit his job, moved, and ended a 3 year relationship.
It’s also the reason he CAME ON A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW TO FIND HIS SOULMATE.
I might’ve chosen, oh, I don’t know, A THERAPIST, but you do you Robby.
He tells JoJo he wants to make changes and take risks.
And that he knows HE LOVES HER.
After like 13 days.
And JoJo EATS THAT SHIT UP.
Tells us it gives her FAITH that this whole thing is worth it.
BECAUSE THE DUDE WHO JUST CHUCKED HIS ENTIRE LIFE LOVES HER AFTER ONE DATE.
Robby is elated, though. He’s in LOVE and he doesn’t care who knows it!!
You guys, I’m gonna make this quick.
My ass is sore from sitting here so long and my blood sugar just took a serious dive.
Derek calls Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan aside and basically accuses them of being The Plastics.
They’re all like, WTF? You’re petty and insecure and this is a non-issue.
Me: OR HE’S BEING RESPECTABLE AND TRYING TO HANDLE IT WITHOUT THREATENING TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
They return to the group and Luke is like what the hell just happened?
Jordan tells them that Derek thinks they’re a clique and that they exclude people. “Anyone think we’re better than you? I mean, obviously we have better hair, but…”
Wells: I think it was just bugging Derek and that there’s VALOR for having the balls to say what he did.
You tell ’em, bae.
Harrison arrives and tells them that JoJo’s had another EMOTIONAL week and will forego the cocktail part of the evening and go straight to the soul crushing.
Already rosed: Derek, Jordan, Robby
Grant the fireman
Vinny with the bangs
and Evan, who’s visibly deflated
Leaderboard after episode 5:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see Finding Dory with my fam (and yeah, my kids are 20 and 15).
I need a palate cleanser.
A 180, if you will.
Or, if you’re Evan, a 360.
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