Why has Michelle been putting off writing this recap all day and is only starting it now, reluctantly, at 3:00 p.m.?
A.) She had to take her daughter to Driver’s Ed and brought her laptop with her so she could go straight to Starbucks and start the recap
B.) She made a rash decision to go to the mall and spent half an hour at Athleta instead of going to Starbucks to start the recap
C.) After leaving Athleta (with two new tank tops) she decided to drive to JoAnn Fabrics to see if they had cute fabric to make DIY cornices for her basement windows instead of going to Starbucks to start the recap
D.) After she discovered the cute fabric was available at another JoAnn 45 minutes away she decided to battle road construction and traffic and near death by semi-trucks instead of going to Starbucks to start the recap
E.) After battling the road construction and traffic and near death by semi-trucks again on the way back to Driver’s Ed, she took her daughter to Potbelly instead of going home to start the recap
F.) Once home, she decided to put some chicken in the crock pot and put away a tub of laundry that had been sitting in her bedroom floor for over a week instead of starting the recap
G.) After putting chicken in the crock pot and laundry away, she went outside to instruct her daughter which areas to begin weeding and once out there decided to pull 5 or 25 herself instead of going back inside to start the recap
H.) All of the above
You get 100%.
And me? I fail.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO START THE RECAP.
Grab a life jacket and a Poker for Dummies, folks, and let’s see if we can make this ridiculously boring episode as painless as possible, m’kay?
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
The tour of South America continues as the gang moves from Uruguay to Buenos Aires, and JoJo dresses the part to meet up with Harrison in a tight red dress that would’ve looked ahMAzing if not for the giant mic pack protruding from her ass.
Seriously, how did not one producer catch that?
I’ll tell you how: THEY DO NOT CARE ANYMORE.
Harrison: How are you feeling going into this week?
JoJo: Great! I actually have similar feelings for a couple of people so – haha! – what if I fall in love with two people just like Ben – haha!
Harrison: That would be so ironic! haha!!
JoJo: O EM GEE I KNOW!!
JoJo’s November 2015 heart: You bitch.
Not surprisingly, all the remaining guys are in agreement that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love and are jacked up about their digs for the week until Harrison drops an unprecedented bomb: There will be another 2-on-1 date this week.
The guys are like totally bummed. One of them even says, “2-on-1s are no mas” which gets him thrown out of the male species for life.
The first one-on-one date goes to my boy Wells, and the date card reads – “Bésame, Bésame Muchacho” which translates to “Kiss me, Kiss me Muchacho.”
Wells admits he’s the only one in the room who hasn’t kissed JoJo yet and the place goes nuts.
Seriously, everyone is like, ha ha WELLS, JoJo had to like totally write you an invitation and Robby is all, she’s just totally given you a challenge, and Wells is like, challenge accepted but you can tell he’s nervous as fuck about it.
While the guys spend like another hour analyzing the forwardness of the date card and how it basically means that Wells is screwed, JoJo takes Wells to what she calls a “playful, romantic show” but what I see as a meth addict’s Monday thru Sunday.
I also see, questionably, a black rag hanging out of Wells’ back pocket which makes me pause to question if he’s a mechanic but then I remember, of course! He’s a DJ!
As JoJo and Wells stand alone on a dark stage with people thrashing about in a shallow, lucite pool of water over their heads and then watch a dude run on a treadmill and get pretend shot in the gut, it should now be perfectly clear that ABC is messing with us — and them — and enjoying every minute of it.
YOU ARE IN BUENOS AIRES, PEOPLE.
Go to a museum, for chrissakes.
But no, Wells and JoJo of course have to mimic the treadmill death and then slide around in the lucite pool and try to hold on to each other while also trying to find a moment to follow the damn date card instructions and have a romantic first kiss.
They keep talking about how sexy it is but all I see are two people reenacting a scene from Hurricane Katrina.
Finally, Wells does it — both manages to grab JoJo’s slippery seal-like body as it slides by and kiss her.
JoJo: You did it! You found the right moment!
Me: Thousands of people in Louisiana would probably disagree, but whatever you need to tell yourself…
And then he grabs her face and eats it.
But later, while pretending to eat dinner at some non-descript mansion, things take a quick turn when JoJo asks him about his ex.
Wells is sweating so much he has to take off his jacket.
Bet he wishes he had that mechanic rag right about now.
But really, clearly ABC didn’t spring for the AIR CONDITIONED MANSION because both of them look like they just broke a 104° fever.
Wells tells her about his 4-year relationship that morphed into BFFs and then goes on to tell her how he believes the spark eventually goes away in a relationship.
JoJo is all, WRONG ANSWER, DUDE and basically shames him by telling him that she believes in fairy tale love and anyone who disagrees is dead to her.
Long story short?
Wells doesn’t get the rose.
DJ ain’t the person she can see spending the rest of her life with.
He doesn’t really seem that surprised and remains classy and tells her he hopes she finds true love, hugs her and then JoJo goes to the performance art/pool thrashing show ALONE because ABC has already paid for it.
Sweet Baby James
The boys strut toward JoJo (Robby ready for a PRIDE parade in a lime green v-neck and fancy loafers w/out socks which is mounting evidence toward my crew’s suspicion that he might make a good contestant on the Brokeback version of this show, which really, would be ALL KINDS OF AWESOME) and they all spend a ridiculously made-for-TV afternoon at a street market sipping strange local cocktails, shopping for man-purses (we think it was Alex who suggested that, not Robby BTW), dancing with locals — just basically having so much overproduced FRIVOLITY that I want to vomit.
They even have a little pick up game of street soccer that turns into a shoot out, and despite Aaron Rodgers’ brother lifting his shirt to show off his abs it’s Sweet Baby who scores the goal and a very unromantic and chaste kiss but one that still makes him swoon. “I feel like I’m on a very quick train to ‘I Love JoJo-ville’,” Sweet Baby says.
Sounds like someone just found a title for a new song.
Later, while having cocktails at another random mansion (they’re not even pretending to eat anymore), Luke pulls JoJo aside and tells her for the millionth time — with zero expression — that he can’t stop thinking about her and how they have a real connection that is too good to be true and then he uses the word organic.
Ya’ll, I hate it when people use the word organic.
Unless you’re talking about pesticide-free produce, shut up.
But JoJo is all, SAME, and Luke makes his growly sounds and they kiss with mouths open enough that we can see spit trails.
JoJo tells us via voiceover that they have the physical part DOWN and the spark is CRAZY, which is her nice girl way of telling us that when they kiss they’re horny for each other, apparently because we’re supposed to believe this girl who will go into a suite and have back-to-back sex over three consecutive nights in the very near future is a nice girl.
Sweet Baby continues to blather on and on and on about his inadequacies so decides a good plan is to throw Jordan under the bus, because as we all know, it’s always good to be THAT GUY.
He tells her that he’s worried, becasuse basically, Jordan’s a cheater.
Why does he cheat?
BECAUSE HE’S JORDAN RODGERS.
JoJo wonders what that means.
Sweet Baby: Um, he’s like Aaron Rodgers’ brother?
JoJo: Oh! Right! Yep, got ya. Continue…
Sweet Baby: Well…ah…see…I mean…he’s like a celebrity? And he’s got a million watt smile! And he’s all, Look at me! I’m in magazines!!
JoJo: Um, duh. Why do you think I like him? And also? Learn to play cards with the big boys, Opie.
Sweet Baby is WASTED by this point.
Tells her she looks pretty and asks her if he can kiss her, which she allows, which leads him to declare, “Our emoshinal connecshon and undershanding ish sho deep and reahl an I thinksh I’m who shesh be happier with.”
He believes all of that, you guys.
And you laughed when I called him Opie up there.
So of course, JoJo takes Jordan out to confront him about all his card sharking.
JoJo: Ugh! Did you cheat at cards?
Jordan: Oh, you’re serious?
JoJo tells him that Sweet Baby thinks he acts entitled and Jordan finds himself in the bizarre position of DEFENDING THE RULES OF POKER on The Bachelorette, not to mention his integrity.
Jordan: I’m proud of the fact that despite my brother’s fame I’m so real.
JoJo is like, I’m concerned because I WANT TO BE ENGAGED IN LIKE THREE WEEKS and I’M SCARED because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I WANT IT TO WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO PLAYS BY THE RULES OF POKER.
Jordan tells her that his integrity being questioned SUCKS and goes against HIS ENTIRE UPBRINGING and proceeds to freeze Sweet Baby out for the next hour while the other guys sit there sipping their brown liquors enjoying the hell out of it.
JoJo gives the date rose to “someone who continues to make me feel really good” — Luke.
OMG WE KNOW.
With two people going on the date and only one coming back, the tension is fierce.
Derek tries to lighten the mood by being all jokey but Chase is like SHUT THE EFF UP, DEREK, I’m taking this SERIOUSLY.
JoJo arrives looking smoking hot in Argentina red – lipstick and dress – and takes them to Tango lessons.
Finally, a date that makes sense.
Somewhere Wells is punching a door.
They spend some time watching some professional dancers tear up the floor and JoJo is smiling but the guys are like WTF AM I DOING HERE and rethinking all the decisions in their life that led them to this point.
While none of them are decent dancers, the guys immediately begin trying to out-passion each other with JoJo’s part of the dance being the lover torn between the two, in case you didn’t catch THE METAPHOR of this date.
Derek thinks he’s a lock. “When we look into each other’s eyes there’s fireworks,” he tells us.
Um, pretty sure your name isn’t AARON RODGERS’ BROTHER, dude, so sorry.
Sitting at a table for three, with JoJo placed uncomfortably in between, they cheers to the worst date of their lives.
JoJo and Derek talk first, and he tells her he’s excited to reexplore the passion of their first date. You know, the one like three weeks ago which was the LAST TIME THEY SPOKE TO EACH OTHER.
Then he pretty much scripts the outcome of this date by telling her that being open is hard for him.
But he’s not done.
Derek: From day one I looked into your damn eyes (um, thanks?) and … I’m absolutely falling for you and I’ve felt that ALL DAY TODAY.”
JoJo: Wow. All day??
Apparently, being emotional makes Derek eloquent, and he tells us that his feelings are real when “they’re frickin’ sitting together.”
Unfortunately, he then proceeds to tell her.
Derek: I’m so friggin’ lucky to be sitting here with you.
JoJo: I’m glad you’re telling me these things. And also seriously question if you ever made it past middle school.
Then it’s Chase’s turn to woo her with his vocabulary — of which he seems to have none — and he basically sits there acting moody and silent because JoJo tells him she doesn’t feel like he’s giving her anything back.
BECAUSE HE’S LITERALLY NOT.
She says she’s struggling and not knowing where he stands because the way she feels loved is through words of affirmation, you know, words like “friggin'” and “freakin’.”
As Chase sees the rose slipping from his grasp, Derek is confidently sipping his whiskey and tells us that “tonight was frickin’ amazing” and that he’s expecting to walk away with the friggin’ rose.
I think we all know what that sound bite means.
See ya, Derek.
After Chase finally gives her validation — by mumbling that he came here for her, which is apparently ALL SHE NEEDED TO HEAR — he gets the rose and Derek is left crying in the limo while Chase and JoJo listen to a vocalist sing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.”
It’s a friggin’ epic piece of editing.
JoJo appears looking STUNNING in a royal blue dress that I understand it took an ENTIRE SUITCASE to transport (and yes, of course I follow her on instagram — you don’t?) –
Jordan wets himself (fluid unclear — which I realize sounds like it’s very clear) and reassures her that he wants to be in love and engaged in like three weeks and he “wants to do life with you” and JoJo is GIDDY and can’t stop smiling yet is also wondering why the fuck none of these guys ever took English.
All the guys give their last pitches to JoJo.
Sweet Baby knows he’s on the chopping block and decides to go all in by letting her know he’s “getting there” with her.
He kisses her but it’s clear she’s kind of grossed out by it.
Or maybe that’s just me.
By 1:00 a.m. JoJo is contemplating her difficult choices and is like SO STRESSED OUT.
With Luke and Chase already rosed, she hands out roses to Robby and Jordan and then WALKS THE SHIT AWAY FROM HER DIFFICULT CHOICE and risks her life by descending a staircase in that dress.
Harrison joins her.
She tells him she doesn’t want to give the last rose out, hands it to him and walks back in WITHOUT THE ROSE.
I’m all, YES! because I hate Alex and while Sweet Baby is sweet and all, it’s time for him to go home.
But JoJo FOOLS EVERYONE and gives them BOTH a rose, which is so stupid because she knows she loves Aaron Rodgers’ brother best.
Leaderboard after episode 6:
Jordan – who will win, unless he’s the one who makes her cry on the last day
Luke – who will be the next Bachelor, unless Jordan makes her cry on the last day and Luke wins by default
Everyone else is just superfluous grey matter at this point.
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