Let me start this recap with a warning that last night’s episode also should’ve started with:
No horses were harmed — or actually violated — in the process.
The fact that I even need to say it tells you pretty much all you need to know about the bizarre events of last night’s episode, but since there were also like two other interesting revelations, I’ll, as usual, scrutinize and over analyze every boring detail for you.
No need to thank me because what I’m about to remind you of might make you retract your profession of gratitude.
I won’t be around the next two weeks.
That’s right, I’m going to miss the best two weeks of the entire season.
Believe me, I’m just as upset about it as you are.
I mean, sure, I’ll be traipsing around London with my family having what I’ve (over)planned to be an amazing time (more on that in a few days — make sure to check back) but there will be a piece of my heart DYING to know what happened during the hometowns and even more especially, wondering if anyone accepts JoJo’s offer to stay as a couple overnight in the Fantasy Suite.
Listen, as bummed as I am to have mucked my way through Chadegeddon and the other countless mundane dates so far this season just to miss the meatiest ones, I’m pretty sure I’ll deal.
But don’t worry, I’ll be back in time to catch the finale, even though I already wrote the ending in the very first recap this season.
But let’s not dwell on the negatives and the disappointments.
Grab a horse tranquilizer and a plate of french fries, and let’s talk about them.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
I pick the episode up 11 minutes in because Minnesota is, once again, covered in giant orange and red radar blobs and there is a tornado that has touched down about an hour away that’s flattened a few houses and cut an impressive line through some cornfields.
APPARENTLY that’s more interesting than finding out the gang is still sequestered in Argentina and learning that Alex gets the first one-on-one date. Whatever.
JoJo takes Alex to an Estancia to see if he has what it takes to be a real gaucho, because she thinks the gaucho lifestyle “is honestly really amazing.”
An old and slightly dirty looking gaucho who appears to be like 3 minutes from death appears and tells them that you have to be born a gaucho, you can’t just be made one.
Alex, outfitted in a super dorky gaucho apprentice uniform (I think he looks more like a gondola driver or a French painter) meets up with JoJo, who appears wearing super sexy suede pants and cool boots that most likely came from Bloomingdales.
“Aww! You’re a cute little gaucho!” she croons, insulting everything about his life.
JoJo and Alex saddle up and ride off to attempt to connect with the land and heart, and my broadcast is once again interrupted by meteorologist Dave Dahl, who apparently doesn’t give a crap about JoJo’s journey.
Obviously having missed a VITAL NUGGET OF IMPORTANCE of the gaucho lifestyle, we cut back a minute later to see a gaucho literally wrapped up in a horse.
Which, without a segue of any sort, was alarming.
UNTIL HE DID THIS.
Husband: Reminds me of that yoga date with Chase.
The gaucho continues
seducing raping whispering the horse until it is completely out.
Lying there comatose on the ground.
JoJo tells us it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.
Um, if by beautiful she means DISTURBING, then I’m with her.
JoJo, looking at the flacid horse: I feel so relaxed right now.
Me: I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CALL THE ASPCA.
So then, naturally, the gaucho tells JoJo and Alex to SPOON THE HORSE (hand to heart that’s what he said) and so, naturally, they do.
Alex: This almost-dead horse makes me feel romantic. You are very special to me. Let me kiss you.
JoJo: Yes, please kiss me. I will kiss you back over the limp neck of the comatose horse.
Horse: WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE?
Meanwhile, the rest of the boys are at a roadside stand in Argentina eating mystery meat and pondering Alex’s date fate.
They then travel by brightly colored bus to their new pueblo-style digs and immediately take turns blowing up the toilet from their lunch (not shown but you KNOW it happened).
After washing their bodies and brains from the horse violating they not only witnessed but were a part of, JoJo and Alex arrive to their fake dinner — Alex in bright blue pants and lighter blue button down, JoJo in a sassy poncho because ARGENTINA.
JoJo likes how much fun Alex had today!
Alex is done letting the cloud of doubt hang over his head!
JoJo: Have you ever brought a girl home before?
Alex: Well, yeah, but not like you.
JoJo: Oh, you mean pretty?
Alex: I’m so into family! I want to hang with your brothers and drink wine with your mom! I think I’m falling in love with you! I know I’m falling in love with you! No, wait — scratch that, I KNEW I loved you the second I saw you!!
JoJo: Um, that’s brave? To tell me you love me? But here’s the thing. Hearing it doesn’t make me feel as excited as I should feel and it kills me. I want to be able to say it back but I can’t because you are not Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Alex: Wow. That sucks.
That’s actually what he said.
There’s no rose on this date but JoJo makes the BRAVE decision to just cut Alex loose right there.
Right after dude told her he
was falling in love with her loved her.
And they both freak out.
Alex is all pissy and JoJo is crying and like, “I don’t know how to do this.”
Husband: What are you talking about? You’ve been doing it every week since May.
Jordan gets the next one-on-one date and gets picked up in a white Rolls limo and driven to an airstrip where JoJo is waiting by a private jet.
Tells Jordan the date is a surprise.
He guesses they’re going to fornicate with comatose horses, but they end up in a vineyard in Mendoza where they’ll be wine tasting. And by wine tasting ABC means they’ll crush grapes with their feet in a bucket and then drink the juice.
JoJo: I’m getting a hint of toenail fungus. You?
Jordan: Mmmmm. Yes! And maybe a bit of bathroom floor?
Later they trade the bucket for a hot tub (convenient!) and the foot-noir for a rich Cabernet but instead of drinking it they just sit on each other wearing basically nothing.
JoJo: What’s on your mind?
He somehow pulls it together and tells her he’s thinking about how he wants her to meet his mama, which some may find smooth but given the circumstances of their body positioning and what is surely happening in his swim trunks, I just find gross.
Meanwhile, back at the pueblo, the guys are trashing Jordan behind his back for being the front runner and a fame whore when the date card arrives.
None of them want to be on it because that means they’ll be the one who’ll get the last one-on-one.
The date will be Robby, Chase, and Sweet Baby James, which means the last single date will go to Luke.
Chase is pissed.
“What does JoJo want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn’t want to do with me?” he asks.
Well, Chase, let’s see.
A. Taste his tonsils
B. Have a conversation with someone who will answer back
C. Stay awake
D. All of the above
*Answer Key: D
At dinner with Jordan, JoJo tells him she had fun like a thousand times while Jordan feels the need to replay their day verbally. It’s almost like he’s playing for the cameras or something.
Then the conversation gets interesting.
JoJo: If I meet your family, who will I meet?
Jordan: Darla, Ed, (whose names JoJo already knows because she says them out loud with him which isn’t creepy at all) and my oldest brother Luke! Oh, and hopefully, the bulldog Carl Weathers! My uh, middle brother won’t be there.
JoJo: Middle brother…middle brother? That would be, uh, let me try to remember…Aaron?
Jordan: Yeah, I mean, I have a great relationship with Luke but not with Aaron. We’re not close because of the way Aaron’s chosen to “do life.” I’ve chosen to stay close to my parents and brother. It’s not ideal. I love him and can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes and have the pressure he has. There’s no hard feelings, it’s just how things go.
Jordan: Yeah, you won’t meet that fucker Aaron. We’re not close because he’s (and here he does air-quotes) Mr. Fancy Quarterback and (more air-quotes) Super Successful. Me? Totally jealous, but I chose to stick with my family and not let the money and fame and whores define me. I mean, sure, I (air-quotes) Love Him and imagine being in his shoes every damn day, but instead I just pretend he doesn’t exist unless I know that name dropping will get me ahead, like applying for this gig for example so I could tell this story where I attempt to make America hate Aaron Rodgers and love ME instead.
JoJo: Does he even know you’re doing this?
Jordan: No. Don’t think so.
JoJo: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? I mean, really?
Jordan: No! It’s cool! But I mean, no matter what I ever did I was being compared to the best. I could never measure up. I could’ve kept playing. But football didn’t define me! I’m defined by humility and the example my parents set. I care about you and don’t want to mess it up.
Jordan: I’ve lived my life as (he brings back the air-quotes even though they aren’t appropriate here) Aaron Rodgers’ Brother and I finally said NO MORE. Fact is, he’s way better than me. I actually kind of suck. Always have. And so to make myself feel better I like to make him and his success look like shit and play the family card. Is it working?
JoJo tells him how much she trusts him and that they’re on the same page, which I guess means she, too, is a fame hungry liar who will throw their family under the bus to get ahead.
They stick their tongues down each other’s throats for awhile and call it a day.
The group date gets rained out so they all stay inside a hotel room all day eating crappy room service and playing slumber party games.
Because ABC has NO RAIN PLAN and is cheap as fuck.
It’s so stupid I cannot even spend more than three words describing it, so here’s another YMFT patent-pending edition of The Bachelor three-word:
French Fry contest
James stuffs mouth
James almost barfs
Massage train next
Homoerotic and weird
Robby likes it
Truth or Dare
Robby strips down
Runs down hall
(Has killer body)
(Beside the point)
(But it’s true)
James tells lies
Everyone in bed
Watch Argentinian Bachelor
Creepy and awkward
Mini Bar open
Everyone gets smashed
Then JoJo and Robby (who’s still wearing the hotel slippers) take a walk in the NON-RAIN to talk about hometowns.
He tells her he just broke off a 4 year relationship.
Literally, three months before they started filming.
JoJo: Wait. What? I want to be engaged at the end of this! Are you sure you’re ready for that?
She canoodles with Chase on a couch and talk about how nervous he is and how bringing families in will make it all real and Chase mumbles something about how he really, really likes her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but it’s about as convincing as Robby’s assertion that he’s over his ex.
Which means JoJo buys it.
Sweet Baby is happy to talk about hometowns because he loves his family and can’t wait to introduce them to JoJo.
He mentions he’s noticed she maybe has a more physical thing with the other guys but says it doesn’t bother him because he knows they have a deep connection.
You sweet, sweet baby.
JoJo: You have every quality of someone I’d want in a husband and a father to my children. Things I’ve missed in other relationships and things I will apparently ignore once again. Oh, and also, I cannot imagine having sex with you, but srsly, that’s the only issue.
You know she knows she’s going to break his sweet heart so she starts to cry … and then makes out with him to give him a memory to last a lifetime.
Robby knows he’s the front runner and blasts the other two for doubting themselves because IF YOU’RE NOT IN IT TO WIN IT YOU’RE NOT IN IT (#mindgameswithrobby). Sure enough, Robby’s self-actualization comes to be and JoJo gives him the date rose.
Chase and Sweet Baby, who have to leave the date, drunkenly ponder why she hates their families, and Robby and JoJo eat each other’s throats while watching a thunderstorm.
Cowboy Luke gets the last one-on-one, so horses, naturally.
Luke’s wearing skinny jeans and a denim shirt with the top five buttons undone and JoJo is in plaid, because farm.
JoJo greets Luke and tells him they’re gonna play with some horses.
Um, WE’VE SEEN ENOUGH OF THAT THIS EPISODE, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
They ride horses and Luke impresses the hell out of JoJo with his mad horse handling skills like making it go.
Sure, he’s okay, but can he spoon one to the point of hypnosis?
I THINK NOT.
After continuing to impress her with his manly talents like skeet shooting, they cozy up and talk YET AGAIN about how they both feel unbelievable and how it feels natural and they’re committed and all the other things that will make him furious when she ends up picking Jordan in the end.
Luke, feeling confident and with JoJo’s breath still on his, comes back early and cheerfully tells the guys they’re all going straight to rose ceremony that night.
Jordan wets himself.
Sweet Baby (who spiffed up with a new, slicked over ‘do) is worried.
Sweet Baby: I haven’t told JoJo I love her. I mean, I was going to put 30 chicken nuggets in my mouth tonight and now she won’t even get to see it.
JoJo tells them how hard the decision is and blah blah blah let’s get it over with.
Roses — and hometown visits — to:
Robby (already rosed)
Because apparently JoJo’s top requirement for a mate is that his hair be tall and/or make his head look like a block.
Poor, sweet baby James.
JoJo walks him out.
She apologizes and ugly cries and tells him that she wants him to find the perfect person.
He tells her he hears that a lot.
When is it his turn?
And then — with his self-esteem tank firmly stuck on LOW — he thanks her for being so sweet to him. Tells her she’s great.
She cries and tells him she never wanted to hurt him.
We all knew it from their first date.
It’s the beginning of a great friendship.
Here’s an instagram video he posted last night, and can we all agree that brother looks damn good? Also? Nicest guy EVER (even though I suspect he may have ulterior motives with this and is hoping to get to be the next Bachelor — #wellplayedsweetbaby #wellplayed).
So that’s (almost) a wrap of the season, you guys.
From the previews of hometown dates, I think it’s clear that Robby and his lies will implode which will get Chase a rose, Luke will secure his spot in the final two with a big romantic gesture (candles and a flower heart in a field!!), and Jordan will continue to throw that successful asshole Aaron under the bus in hopes it will make
America ABC ESPN JoJo love him.
As for Fantasy Suite dates?
Chase, Luke, and Jordan will all have sex with JoJo.
Catch ya on August 2nd for the finale recap, folks!
Will you be Team Jordan or Team Luke?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go visit the farm behind my house and apologize to the horses.
Doesn’t make sense but it will somehow make me feel better.
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And for this season’s previous episodes as well as past seasons of Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps, click HERE
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