Settle down, friends. This isn’t a real recap.
But since my crew and I just got caught up on the three episodes we missed while we were in London (although I already knew who’d been SHOCKINGLY cut — thanks a LOT Chris Harrison’s Facebook feed and my stupid compulsion for scrolling social media while taking advantage of the airport’s free WiFi) I have thoughts.
Snarky thoughts that I had to pause the TV and shout out loud because I knew I couldn’t unload them in a recap.
But this morning I thought, why the hell not?
Since the only people *cough, 40 of you* who read these recaps are practically blood relatives by now, I figured you wouldn’t mind if my take on everything was a week or two late, much like my acknowledgment of birthdays and other important anniversaries.
But listen, there’s no way in HAELL I’m recapping hometowns and fantasy suites in the usual detail, so I’ve decided to just give you the Cliff Notes version. And for the four of you who have no idea what that means, bless your little hearts.
Since I was not planning on writing anything, I took NO NOTES, so what you are about to read is coming straight from my jet-lagged brain and I take no responsibility for its accuracy … or inaccuracy.
Hometown Dates, in no particular order — since I cannot remember it.
Chase (somewhere in Colorado where there is still snow on the ground in May)
Chase meets JoJo — who’s wearing a blanket — in a snowy field and leads her up to a craggy rock where they sit perilously close to the edge and he tells her how his parents’ divorce (i.e., his DAD) basically fucked him up relationship wise.
Chase is concerned that JoJo won’t love him because her parents had a solid relationship and children of divorce are poison.
Chase takes her to his single-family, split-level in suburbia and JoJo squeals and loves it and in her mind has already moved her collection of fake eyelashes in.
Chase’s dad arrives — solo — and almost immediately Chase grills him about screwing up not only his childhood but his inability to LOVE. It’s all very Dr. Phil.
Dad admits to being a workaholic, and to his credit he takes responsibility for the divorce, but since I don’t hear any apology for the aforementioned LAWSUITS and anguish Chase and his sister were put through I don’t forgive him as easily as Chase seems to. #beenthere
Later, Chase takes JoJo to his mom and stepdad’s house to introduce her to “the people in the world who mean the very most to me” which has to have been a veiled dig at his dad so maybe there isn’t as much forgiveness there as I thought.
Right away it’s clear how close Chase and his mom are, and IT. IS. DARLING.
I’d say everyone in the family loves JoJo, but since we learn (through a heart to heart between Chase and his sister) that the ugly divorce has made them incapable of it, let’s just say they have very strong feelings for her.
Chase’s mama makes him cry WITH HER SWEETNESS and when he leaves he wraps her in a hug that was so intense I wanted in on it.
As JoJo leaves, Chase tells her he’s falling in love with her.
Robby (Somewhere in Florida that has a St. in the name)
Robby meets JoJo — who’s in a sassy purple romper with matching nails and lips — in a horse drawn carriage driven by a man who looks like he came from the place clowns go to die. They stop for Mai-Tais and JoJo grills him again about his past relationship and shares her doubts that he’s ready to be engaged so soon.
I’ll be honest, the only thing I really remember from this part of the date is the fact that JoJo didn’t finish her Mai-Tai, because WHO DOES THAT?
Robby’s family is nice.
That’s about it.
Well, there is a part where the mom — who has the lips of a turtle — fills him in on how his ex HOLLY has been spreading vicious LIES about him which makes him run to JoJo in a panic, but it’s all cool because she totally believes anything he says.
Luke (deep in the heart of Texas)
Luke has a surprise for JoJo — who’s wearing white Daisy Dukes and the cowboy boots Luke brought her on the first episode because TEXAS — and takes her in his FORD pickup (#Texas) to his family’s ranch (#Texas) where there are like 50 people waiting for a meet & greet and his dad has the giant smoker out full of BBQ (#Texas).
JoJo is all this is awkward but turns on the celebrity charm and makes the rounds, kissing babies and giving old men a thrill with an upclose view of her ass cheeks popping out of her cut-offs.
Luke and his dad sit for a spell on the front porch (#Texas) and mumble to each other with zero expression about love. I think it was sweet. Hard to tell.
Later, Luke takes JoJo out to a field where he’s made a giant heart of flowers to tell her she has his heart. Sure, it’s iNSANELY romantic, but since he’s never said he LOVES her she’s like meh.
Jordan (Chico, California)
Instead of showing JoJo beautiful Chico, Jordan takes JoJo — who’s wearing something boring because I cannot remember it — on the Aaron Rodgers’ Brother Tour of Fame: his high school, obviously. Strutting around with one hand around JoJo, the other in his pocket, he’s like, “that was my locker” and “that was my English Class” and “that’s where I breathed.”
Sitting on the bleachers by the football field where he spent four years trying to be his brother, JoJo asks if the “issue” with Aaron will come up with his family.
Jordan: Yeah, it’s cool. Just say we talked about it.
JoJo: But I don’t understand. What happened?
Jordan: Hey, look how cool my hair looks when the wind blows it against the part.
They go to his house and meet his family EXCEPT FOR AARON RODGERS and JoJo asks Luke — the brother WHO ISN’T AARON — about it because she cannot let this shit go. Luke — whose semi-tall hair and scruffy beard make it clear who HIS hero is — praises Jordan and dodges her question. Because no one can admit that Aaron is an asshole on national TV and risk getting cut out of his will.
After a last minute declaration of love from Luke — which correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t Luke been one of the only idiots here who’s told her how serious he is, repeatedly, since day one? — JoJo cuts him.
Fantasy Suite Dates
Gah. This episode always disgusts me. I mean, I’ll admit I was a nice girl and didn’t ever do the whole sleeping around with random dudes thing, but three guys back to back (well, not technically back to back because that would be an entirely different show) is so gross. And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, whoever has to go third is one unlucky bastard. Seriously, how you’d get out of your head (so to speak) and not focus on the fact that she’s probably still covered in residues (PLURAL) is beyond me. Gahhhhhhhhhh.
But back to it.
Robby and Jordan (in that order) sleep with JoJo.
Other than the fact that they both seem to have enjoyed themselves and both seem to wax their chests, that’s really all you need to know.
And then it’s Chase’s turn.
And his night is far from fantasy.
After THE BOY WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE finally musters up the courage to find it in his heart and tell JoJo he actually loves her (because she’s brow beaten it out of him, basically), JoJo is all huh, hold on a minute and I’ll get back to you.
And then she comes back inside and tells him thanks but no thanks.
*Side note, because when this happened my family all turned and looked at me VERY POINTEDLY. Yes, when my husband first told me he loved me I did respond with the words thank you because I wasn’t sure I could say those words back and mean them (and here’s where my experience is different, HUSBAND) — yet. YET!!! I had faith I’d get there, and sure as shit I DID. And for the love of God, FAMILY, it’s been 23 years, when the hell will I live this down?
But back to Chase.
Poor, rejected and dejected Chase.
Trying to explain.
And I do have to say that as horrible as I think JoJo is for her impecible timing, she handled it well. She was very honest and articulate with her feelings — FEELINGS SHE APPARENTLY DIDN’T KNOW SHE DIDN’T HAVE UNTIL AFTER SHE FORCED HIM TO LOVE HER. She somehow looked him straight in the eye, even when she knew how AWFUL and CRUEL she was being. Girlfriend could’ve cut and run, but she didn’t. #ABCcontractualobligation
Chase, after getting over the initial shock of being LED TO THE SLAUGHTER, handled his heartbreak with class, especially when he hugged her and kissed her forehead, and especially when you remember HE’S A DAMAGED SOUL and this is how his VERY FIRST DECLARATION OF LOVE was received.
On national TV no less.
Suddenly dad’s mistakes don’t seem so bad anymore, do they boy?
After some ABC dude gifts him with the consolation prize of a cold can of beer, Chase hops into a minivan. “This my fantasy suite?” he says. “It’s like my pants were pulled down and I got kicked in the balls.”
At the rose ceremony, where it appears to be 135° and the guys are sweating through their button downs, JoJo, whose face and hair seem to repel heat and sweat, arrives to tell them she sent Chase home.
Cue Chase, and cue the ABC production team back-slapping and high-fiving for setting that one up.
Chase takes JoJo aside to tell her how much he respects her for honesty and how he isn’t mad and how he just wants her to be happy and how he’ll still be there if it doesn’t work out with one of the unemployed former athletes.
Cue me thinking Chase is the most understanding and amazing man in the world … or that he’s damn brilliant for starting his bid for The Bachelor this early.
So there ya go. It’s down to Jordan and Robby.
Less Scruffy Tall Hair vs. More Scruffy Less Tall Hair.
Wow. I did not see that coming.
Well, that’s not entirely true. You may recall that I predicted Jordan as the winner from the first hour of episode one (and don’t worry, I’ll remind you of that again next week), but Robby? I’m shocked. And also? Ew.
It looks like Monday will bring a flood of tears and uncertainty right up to the end, which is always a solid start to forever, isn’t it?
Meet you back here Tuesday afternoon, folks.
Monday night’s show is three hours, so give me awhile to sleep off the shame and regret.
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