Before we dive into the murky green waters of Thailand, let’s rewind to May for a sec, shall we?
*insert wavy lines here*
I’d like to say it’s like I’m a freakin’ clairvoyant, but you guys, I really can’t own this prediction. I mean, we all saw it coming, didn’t we?
Well, except for Robby.
I could honestly pull out the YMFT patent-pending Bachelor game “Three Words” right now and be done with this recap in about 5 minutes — and believe me, since I was over served by half a glass of Chardonnay last night to get me through the pain of After The Final Rose and just want to be done with this mess, it’s tempting — but I won’t.
The regret just keeps on going…and going…and going.
So grab a few hundred injections of Botox and your skinniest blue suit and let’s wrap this journey up.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).
In a strange twist of events that if you’ve watched this show more than once isn’t really strange at all, JoJo finds she’s in love with two people.
Who can help her reason her way out of this predicament? Her family, of course, who will spend roughly 4 hours with each one and then offer up their highly insightful opinions and impressions as to who she should spend eternity with, even though she will ultimately ignore anything they say.
It’s good to see the Fletchers again, and nice of the Post Office to let Joe take the time off.
Jordan arrives via clown car, and after agreeing with JoJo that yes, she is sticky, greets the fam by telling them that he and JoJo “like to give it back and forth” to each other.
At lunch, Jordan gifts the family with silly hats, which if I’m being totally honest would earn a potential suitor huge points in our house. However, Soraya, whose face is a cautionary tale to anyone considering a cocktail of Botox, Restylane, and Juvaderm, doesn’t seem to be about that life. Her quirky hat messes up her hair which TBH no one is noticing anyway because they’re already blinded from her protruding lips.
With a hat-hair violation against him, Soraya takes Jordan into the other room and asks him a bunch of questions I cannot understand not because of her slight accent but because her gigantic lips won’t let the words through.
Then she says, “Give me your word you’ll never break my daughter’s heart” — I think — and Jordan responds with, “Absolutely not. I promise.”
Pretty sure he just promised he refuses to give her his word.
But Soraya seems to be happy with that answer.
Seems her brain is also numb from over-injectables.
Later, though, she tells JoJo she’s concerned they’re too alike and JoJo is all you’re just scared because HE’S SO LIKABLE AND PERFECT.
Mr. Postman has a go at Jordan and brings up JoJo’s trust issues, which is pretty much like telling your daughter’s boyfriend that you wet the bed until you were 12, but I guess it’s cool.
Jordan assures him he’s confident in what they have, but isn’t confident enough to ask for Joe’s blessing to propose. Says it “didn’t feel right.” Oh, wait, you mean WITH 20 ABC PRODUCERS, 4 CAMERAS, AND A COUPLE OF SOUND GUYS SURROUNDING YOU, NOT TO MENTION SORAYA’S INJECTION MAN STANDING AT THE READY?
You just totally dropped the ball.
Although, you’re probably used to that.
The next day, Robby arrives in a crisp white shirt over a black tank and a third-degree sunburn.
The Fletchers seem over eager to greet boyfriend #2 … well, Joe and the embalmed brothers do. Soraya’s face doesn’t make expression, and the sister seems to have been edited out. #notquiteasprettyasJoJo
Basically? They all love Robby.
At lunch he tells them that when they were in Uruguay and were standing on the top of a cliff,”three words were on the tip of my tongue” but he just couldn’t say them yet.
Thing 1: I like boys?
Robby: I love you.
Everyone in America: Oh.
This time it’s Soraya who laments her daughter’s fault of being too damn trustworthy (raise your children to be skeptics, people! Duh!) and tells Robby “I’m giving you a princess. I want you to make her a queen.”
Cut and run, Robby.
Cut and run.
But Robby stays.
Brings Soraya into the room with Dr.
Phil Joe and proceeds to spend about 37 minutes quoting Hallmark cards which ends with this — “I don’t just want her hand, I want all that is Joelle Hannah Fletcher” which seems more than a little bit INAPPROPRIATE to say to someone’s parents, but they seem to be into it.
In fact, when Joe exits the room he’s overwhelmed with emotion because “he sees these men loving her.”
Just what every dad hopes to hear.
When Robby leaves, the fam enthusiastically lets JoJo know they’re all Team Robby which causes JoJo to break down, especially when she learns Jordan DIDN’T EVEN ASK HER DAD’S PERMISSION.
BECAUSE JOJO IS TEAM JORDAN.
Tweedle Dum (or is it Tweedle Dee?) points out that when they said good things about Robby, JoJo was quick to defend Jordan so she must love him best.
Soraya thinks JoJo just feels sorry for Robby.
JoJo sobs pretty tears and tells them that she’s upset they ALL chose Robby over Jordan.
Immediately, Team Fletcher rushes to placate their Princess.
“Noooooo!!! Oh, Nooooo! That’s not what we’re saying! We like BOTH of them!!” they practically shout.
Um, no, no, that’s NOT what you were saying, but whatever.
They continue to pacify Princess JoJo in her anguish, Soraya even wiping her tears off her cheeks, but JoJo is still left in a wet mess of doubt.
Thing 2: Jordan is her heart and Robby is her brain.
I think my 15yo has this romance thing figured out.
And some people criticize me for starting them watching The Bachelor too young. #whosthesmartonenow
Robby’s final date is first, and he and JoJo have a beach day where we get many, many, many sound bites from Robby where he proves he watches too much Lifetime TV and JoJo just keeps reminding us her heart is torn.
Lounging on the beach, Robby imagines their future life.
Robby: We’ll be relaxing on a big sofa. With a dog. Dinner will be cooking in the kitchen. By itself. There’s the faint noise of kids playing in the background because the bonus room is just around the hallway. Oh no! Something is burning! We’ve overcooked the meatloaf! But it’s okay because the Sauvignon Blanc we’re drinking is so delicious.
Swear. To. God.
That’s what he imagines marriage and family life to be.
Sweet, delusional Robby.
C’mere, my boy, and take a look through my looking glass, which I like to call REALITY.
The sofa, full of years of broken Cheetos and Cheerios and stained with many unidentified dark spots, sits empty. Why? BECAUSE DINNER DOES NOT COOK ITSELF. JoJo is adding baby formula to the mac-n-cheese because her HUSBAND forgot to stop by the store to pick up the milk. The dog, who found an old chocolate Easter Bunny in the back of the closet, is vomiting in the corner on the school backpacks, and the kids are throwing paint at each other and feeding Legos to the baby in the room that is supposed to be a nice dining room but which you’ve filled with the contents of Toys R Us. Robby has cracked open a Budweiser (or whatever beer was on sale) and wisely not commenting on JoJo’s greasy hair and extra 15 pounds. And when dinner burns and the smoke detector goes off which causes the dog to go crazy and the kids to scream even louder, JoJo will throw the whole shitstorm in the sink with a satisfying clang and yell at them all for being alive.
But despite Robby telling JoJo that he sees this future — his version of it — in NINE MONTHS, she’s all in.
Which is almost how Robby is when she straddles his lap and they have swimsuit sex on the beach.
Later that night, Robby continues to say all the right — and overly rehearsed — things to JoJo which she eats up and responds with things I’ll admit I tune out because we all know she’s going to pick Jordan anyway.
The next day JoJo greets Jordan totally impassively. Like, there’s NO RUN STRADDLE JUMP.
Wow. Girlfriend is pissed.
She’s totally meh with him all day on their boat ride, and finally kicks up the passive aggression when they’re on dry land and ABC instructs them it’s time to have the serious talk because the microphones can now pick up audio.
Jordan: You good?
They kayak through a cave of unbelievable beauty to a remote area.
JoJo: What’s going on in your head?
Jordan: Pretty much just your boobs which are about to pop out of your bikini.
JoJo: What did you talk about with my dad?
Jordan: Not marrying you, that’s for sure.
JoJo: WE TALKED ABOUT THIS! YOU HAD IT IN THE BAG! I’m so disappointed. Now I guess I have to pick stupid ROBBY.
Jordan tells her that he didn’t ask because the moment wasn’t what he imagined it should be. You know, what with their being ANOTHER DUDE IN THE PICTURE.
But Princess JoJo doesn’t seem to hear anything but how her fairy tale isn’t playing out how she’d always imagined and is worried that it means Jordan isn’t ready to “take a knee,” which is how both of them keep referring to it. #football
Later, they rehash it AGAIN, and you guys, I can see both sides. Let’s break it down:
Jordan wants her family to know that HE’S the one JoJo wants before he asks that important question.
JoJo thinks that maybe he’s just waiting because if he’s not “the winner” than he doesn’t want to marry her.
I’m wondering why this has to end with an engagement and also why my glass of wine is empty.
Jordan somehow talks his way out of JoJo’s skepticism and tells the Princess what she wants to hear, but they end the night with a hefty dose of unease and tension which means he’s the one she’s going to pick. #thefutureisnow
The next day, Robby, in a sassy teal linen button-down, meets up with
the undead Neil Lane and picks out a stunning ring and then retreats back to his room to pen some prose.
Jordan wakes up, and after pulling on some rainbow no-show socks,
eats crow makes an important call.
Asks Joe and Soraya — via speakerphone just like he always imagined it! — for JoJo’s hand in marriage.
Firmly and very suddenly on Team Jordan, the Fletchers give him their overenthusiastic blessing.
And then Dr. Joe effectively spoils the entire ending. “We’re waiting to hear from you later today!” he shouts.
Jordan hastily writes a “Dear Joelle” letter that says all the right things and then meets with Neil Lane, who asks for an autographed picture of his brother and then shows him some rings.
Making his first of his many future mistakes, Jordan picks a gorgeous, but simple oval diamond. Clearly he doesn’t know that Princesses like the biggest, sparkliest ring in the land.
Dressed in a low-cut ivory dress that shows off her ample, perfectly spray-tanned and stationary boobs that I’ve spent the past nine weeks trying to figure out if are real and rhinestoned pageant shoes that she’ll never wear, JoJo tells us she awoke with a moment of clarity.
Ditch them both and go back to Chase?
Pretty sure we’re supposed to believe means she awoke having decided to choose Robby, but then ding dong! She gets Jordan’s letter.
That tells her he asked her parents’ permission.
That tells her they enthusiastically gave it to him.
That says ALL THE ROMANTIC THINGS THAT A PRINCESS WANTS TO HEAR. (But really, it’s a damn good letter. Too good.)
She breaks down.
IT’S JUST LIKE SHE ALWAYS IMAGINED IT.
Robby has written a letter too.
His is ripped out of a spiral notebook, so already Jordan’s wins in my book, but let’s see what he has to say.
It’s the kind of love JoJo wants to have!
So of course, she’ll sabotage herself and let him go.
Sure enough, Robby’s pointed brown shoe and pink and blue striped sock that matches his suit and tie combo steps out of the limo first.
He walks confidently to JoJo who is standing — holding her shoes for some reason — on a tribal altar ABC has set up void of any shade under a burning sun.
He starts talking.
Tells her she’s his forever love.
Tells her his family adores her and his future longs for her.
You’d think the expression that she’s listening to his professions of love with might clue him in, but no.
He keeps talking.
JoJo, under ABC contract of extreme cruelty, lets him continue until he’s about to drop to one knee.
“I can’t take this moment away from you,” she says. “I woke up this morning wanting it to be you, but for some reason my heart is somewhere else.”
She goes on to tell him that he’s made her feel love she’s always dreamed of feeling.
“You don’t get how badly I wanted it to be you,” she repeats.
Robby, after a momentary breakdown, stays classy and cool, despite the rivers of sweat pouring from his head.
Tells her he just wants her to be happy.
JoJo walks him off the beach sobbing. “I don’t know how to do this!” she says for the millionth time, which in hindsight should’ve been our drinking game.
Composed and not looking AT ALL like she’s been crying all afternoon, JoJo returns to the tribal altar, shoes in hand, ready to have her fairy tale moment.
Jordan, after meeting up with Robby and borrowing his suit, confidently tells her how much he loves her.
She loves him!
They love each other!
Jordan finally takes a knee.
Presents the Princess with her ring.
They’re both shaking and can’t stop saying “I love you.”
I’m crying and I hate myself.
I don’t even like him.
After The Final Rose
Much like I fear JoJo and Jordan’s engagement will be, let’s make this quick.
Robby comes out.
And after seeing his ensemble, it’s clear it’s really only a matter of time until that really happens, folks.
Only a matter of time.
He spouts a lot of things about how hurt he was and how he thought he was the only one left and we’re so bored we start trolling Sean Lowe’s Twitter feed and Instagram, which you should totally do if you liked him and Catherine. They are hilarious and darling. Plus, new baby!
Wait, what was I talking about?
So then JoJo appears and things get a bit uncomfortable.
Is it because girl looks seriously HOT with a giant ponytail extension and a weird mummy wrap dress that is equal parts perplexing and sexy?
Robby: Why did you lead me on?
JoJo: I didn’t want to discredit our relationship. Plus, your abs are insane.
Robby: Do you ever still picture what our future would be?
JoJo: Um, you mean the screaming children you wanted me to pop out immediately and the meatloaf you wanted me to cook while you played golf? Yeah, no.
So then we finally get to see Jordan and JoJo together but Harrison reminds us all that we suck for making their lives miserable and difficult in the interim.
And by us I mean the rag mags we all buy and devour.
And by we all I mean me.
Princess JoJo tells us her fairy tale has been sad because she hasn’t gotten any support from her loyal subjects.
She’s cried herself to sleep over the vicious rumors and America’s opinion that Jordan is a pompous fame-whore.
They assure us they’re solid and in love and planning an amazing future together.
And because I actually like JoJo I come thisclose to letting myself believe them but then the long list of other Bachelor couples who’ve hoodwinked me scrolls slowly through my mind accompanied by some faint Air Supply music and I shake it off.
Then, because ABC is dying to cash in on the Rodgers’ family drama and most likely has already drafted up the reality show, Harrison then asks Jordan about his effed up relationship with Aaron, making sure to express his hopes and concern that they mend fences — maybe even at the televised wedding!! Wouldn’t that be awesome for
ratings the family?!?
Jordan deflects the repeated questions smoothly and admirably with a well-rehearsed statement about how much he loves JoJo and I like him just a skosh more.
(And BTW, kudos to the girl in the audience wearing the Packers jersey.)
Well you guys, it looks like JoJo’s journey has actually come to an end.
Thanks for taking it along with me.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to detox with season 5 of Downton Abbey and a piece of fruit.
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