Random thing to know about me #287: Recently I’ve had to start using a magnifying mirror — one the size of a paper plate that is suctioned cupped to my regular bathroom mirror which no longer works — to be able to do things like put on eyeliner and actually SEE MY FACE … and when I’m looking into it you guys, I’m horrified.
Horrified at the high definition that proves once and for all that time is a cruel bitch, that spending $100 a month on dermatologist-created anti-aging potions is a scam, and that yes you can have the same blackhead in the same place for 25 years.
So I cannot even begin to imagine how our group of DCC hopefuls must have felt this week as their dancing ability, body-fat ratio, facial expressions, whiteness of teeth, naturalness of extensions, rotation of booty, size of cleavage, and the ability to see if they have or do not have an appendix was scrutinized by the rag-tag group of judges on a FIFTY YARD, HIGH DEFINITION Jumbo-Tron.
Give me a break, I can hear you saying, you’re like
15 20 25 years older than these girls. Of course you look like the crypt keeper up close.
Fair point, but I think the knowledge of people looking at you with the eyes of Ironman is a universally uncomfortable notion, especially when they’re watching with the intent to pick out your flaws (which in these girls’ cases, would be most people’s blessings — I’ll take the concerning underbite, thankyouverymuch.)
But to make the team and be one of America’s Sweethearts you have to pop in HD, obviously, and TBH it works out well for me … because that’s really the only way I can see them.
So throw on your studded daisy dukes, grab a bag of marshmallows (#TeamCaila), and let’s break down episode 2.
All opinions given are my own, and while my years as a recreational and high school pom-line dancer back in the 80s may not give me the qualification to make judgments about the harsh criticism and objectification I see, the fact that I’m a human being does. And yes, I know that the coaches are trying to build the best dance team in all the land and that they’re tough because the team’s high standards and white polyester panties demand it, but hey, sitting here on the couch I don’t have to like it.
Once again Kelli is standing in the middle of Cowboy field for no apparent reason, wearing a body hugging blue dress that looks exactly like all the other dresses in her closet, and her voiceover tells us that the girls are feeling the pressure of final auditions.
So what helps take the pressure off?
A trip to hell, obviously.
And in DCC land, hell means Kitty Carter’s Dance Factory.
The girls enter Kitty’s studio ready to show off their dances looking like a sexy Halloween costume catalog come to life.
Timeout: If you’ve never seen DCC: Making the Team, you need to know a few things about Kitty.
And by a few things I mean one.
But surprisingly, season 11 Kitty seems to be living up to her name.
The worst soundbites CMT can give us?
“This is the deal — you’re not a good dancer.”
“I hate your costume. Did I say ‘hate?’ HATE your costume.”
“You’re really good … you’re talented … go get your roots done.”
“She’s boring as hell.”
See what I mean?
It’s like the woman has been housebroken or something.
She even compliments Madeline — a girl she ripped to shreds last year — and hugs her after she slays her routine. And then — then — she compliments the entire group and tells them she thinks they’ll all kick ass at their auditions.
In related news, if you live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, please be on the lookout for a ruthless, disgruntled dance instructor who may be wandering the streets yelling at random people for consuming oxygen wrong. I think season 11 Kitty is an impostor.
Meanwhile, we meet a new contender:
Maggie is from Palos Verdes, CA and decides to perform her solo for Kitty in denim shorty shorts and cropped vest, because Texas.
But they’re blinged out, because DCC.
And much like a most of the girls who get highlighted, Maggie has a sad story.
In Maggie’s case, it’s her battle with psoriasis and her lifelong struggle with self-confidence.
So naturally, Maggie decided to confront her demons head on by becoming a college cheerleader and taking off most of her clothes in public.
Now Maggie has a newfound confidence and tells us that she embraces her scaly skin because it’s how God intended for her to be.
You go, girl! We don’t need no stinkin’ high def to see your inner strength.
Before we get to the final round of auditions, though, let’s check in with our returning veterans who are learning the group dance in warp speed and starting to worry about not making the team again.
There’s cute Kat (the adorable blond Gumby from last season whose flexibility actually became a hindrance for her); Jinelle from Australia, who, if she makes the team again, will need to get the whole “I need to have a Visa to live in the United States” thing figured out; and Caila, a sweet girl who’s already in tears at the thought of missing out on all of the DCC’s philanthropic opportunities because that’s what she loves best about it, but who apparently should’ve been more concerned with the number of almonds she ate for lunch. More on that later.
But first, the girls have to answer some tough questions.
You know, things like, “name a classical author” and “where do you stand on political issues” and “why the hell did you wear a dress with tiny cut outs on the side of it?”
Veteran Kat, who is poised and well-spoken yet apparently “on the bubble”, gets completely schooled by Brenda-the-former-news-anchor because her dress has cutouts the size of hamsters on each side of it, right at her waist, which is apparently in poor taste and causes great concern for the judges who worry what Kat might choose to wear out in public, you know, when she’s not wearing her white polyester G-string and bright blue bra tied tight enough to make her B cups explode.
(For the record, Kat’s dress was perfectly presentable and tasteful for the interview, and I didn’t see the girl in the practically backless/strappy white jumpsuit get crucified like that. Just sayin’.)
50-yard-line Kelsey, who earned her nickname for telling the panel last year that a football field had 50 yards (and in 2015 didn’t know who the DC General Manager was which is a huge no-no when his daughter is one of the three VIJ (Very Important Judges)), nails her question about what a linebacker does to the cheers of Brenda, who is so happy for Kelsey she doesn’t even notice she isn’t wearing pants.
After some more eye-rolling responses from girls who don’t read real books (but really), the girls head back to AT&T Stadium to change out of their Forever 21 Business Attire and into
nothing their costumes for their solo routines, which are amazing.
These girls are seriously athletes, you guys.
Even Caila, who Kelli says seemed “heavy.” #foreshadowing
Most of the girls, however, get Kelli and Judy’s genuine approval: Lacey is “spiritual,” Megan “worked the room” (can’t imagine that’s the first time she’s heard that — ba dum bum); Holly — one of everyone’s favorite rookies from last year — is “intense and flirty,” Cowgirl Yuko was entertaining, Mandy is “the total package,” and Madeline 2.0 gets Kelli’s “comeback” award. “We talked the talk and now she’s walking the walk,” she tells us, pretty much spoiling the suspense for us this year as far as Madeline’s concerned. #knockswood
And then it’s time to exchange the feathers and sequins for spandex bras and booty shorts and head to the field, where it’s perfectly appropriate for middle aged marketing execs to shamelessly ogle them in high definition in the name of the team. “There’s your calendar cover,” says Randy Steele, one of the judges, as he’s staring at a 20′ high Mandy who is shaking her *cough* poms on the Jumbo-Tron. Don’t worry, he’s a Lucchese Boots marketing man which totally explains his qualifications.
Mandy, who’s got “a smile for this stadium” according to Kelli, has qualifications of her own. She left behind her own successful dance studio — which she loved — to move to Dallas with her boyfriend of six years.
I said qualifications, not brains.
As much as Randy is enjoying it, though, the high definition is unrelenting, and some of the girls fail the fan perspective test. They’re “stompy” and “messy,” not to mention that concerning underbite that really seems to bother Kelli.
And then there’s Caila, who’s gone “soft — like a marshmallow.” As the camera zooms in on Caila’s virtually impossible-to-detect jiggly tummy and triceps, Kelli and Judy just grimace and shake their heads … and then reach down to adjust their Spanx.
The girls perform the kickline, which as we all know is the true test, and then it’s time for the judges to deliberate and “discuss them all — no holds barred.”
Long story short? They agree on some girls … they disagree on some girls … and in the end none of it matters because it’s really just about who Kelli, Judy, and Charlotte like anyway.
Some notables going through to Training Camp:
Yuko the Japanese Cowgirl
Jinelle who is now high tailing it to Australia to become legal
Kyndall who got cut last year for being sloppy and still kind of is
Milan who overcame scoliosis and whose frosted-looking hair almost canceled that incredible feat out
Tasha the teen mom
Maggie with the beautiful skin
Fierce, 5th time Amy from Rockford
Veterans Kat and Caila, who are in tears at the injustice of it all.
I’m with you, girls.
You keep your heads up, your dresses tasteful, and your fries sized medium.
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