Suddenly (sort of) stylish

To be clear, the ‘sort of’ goes with the ‘stylish’ part of the title of this post. The ‘suddenly’ is totally and 100% sudden. Because I’ve never been all that stylish, in case you need it spelled out for you.

As some (12) of you might remember, two months ago I spontaneously got a job at a women’s clothing store and began a new adventure I didn’t even know I wanted — the job or the adventure. The fact that it was in retail and the fact that the last (and only) time I worked retail was in 1989 at Hallmark wasn’t something that I considered a road block or any kind of concern. Throw in the fact that I was suddenly supposed to be a stylist instead of a salesperson and the 48 bright orange cones topped with flashing lights standing in front of me didn’t —shockingly — seem to block my view at all.

Even more shocking, neither did the fact that I wouldn’t be able to nap while at work.

I was blinded by the prospect of socializing with real people instead of 1/2″ square Facebook profile pics during the day.
And showering.

So here I am, two months later.
Suddenly styled and even more shockingly, stylin‘.
As in, styling others.

My first week was eye opening.
I was jeans shamed.
By my boss.
It’s true. My first day I strutted in wearing a plaid shirt and a pair of my favorite skinny jeans. I was feeling so 2016.
Until I learned that I was so 2010.
“You’ll do your jeans training today and try on all the jeans in the store so you can see how they fit,” my super sweet supervisor said, which made all the solids in my body turn to liquid. Wait. WTF?!? Try on ALL THE PAIRS OF JEANS IN THE STORE? And wouldn’t you know it, I’d picked that day to have them add bacon to my Egg McMuffin.
“Plus, it’ll help you decide which pairs you like and will want to buy,” she added.
“Oh thanks, but I have plenty of jeans,” I said.
“Well,” and now she’s looking pointedly at my back pockets which have sparkly swirly stitching and — god forbid — buttons buttoning the pockets shut, “your jeans are so cute, but they’re kind of outdated. Are they like from five years ago?”
“SIX!” I proudly crowed. “And I can still fit in them! That’s why I don’t buy new ones!”
Suck it, Egg McMuffin WITH BACON.

I then spent the next TWO HOURS pulling on jeans that at first glance should only ever be handed to a Polly Pocket, but discovering that jeans — good jeans, 2016 jeans — now have magic in them. Magic that makes them stretch around your bulges and hug your curves and make you not give a damn about the added bacon because your ass looks amazing.

I bought two pairs.
And a sweater.
And cool boots.

And BTW, in my boss’s defense, the jeans shaming was done totally in good humor and fun and we had a good laugh about it, but it was certainly an eye-opener to the fact that my wardrobe was outdated … and that I’d never see a cent of my paycheck.

Over the past eight weeks I’ve not only come to appreciate a pair of good fitting jeans, but I’ve learned the brilliance of the side-tuck, the wonder of the bralett, and how to cuff your jeans over your booties just right. I’ve become schooled in what’s “on trend” right now (over the knee boots, ya’ll — get some). I can make your tummy fat all but disappear with a cute poncho and a good pair of high waisted leggings. I’m no longer afraid to mix patterns and colors, which I have discovered there are more of, BTW, than shades of black and gray.

I love the friendly people I get to work with.
I have fun meeting and helping customers and showing them how amazing their asses can look in the right pair of jeans.
I look forward to showering and putting on cute clothes, of which my closet is becoming alarmingly full of.
I don’t even mind the missed naps.

It’s taking some time — and by some time I mean it’s still a definite work in progress — to feel comfortable asserting fashion advice and opinions, especially since I’m still wet behind the ears, no matter how on-trend my jeans are.

Because full disclosure: I not only still have my comfy, broken-in 2010 jeans, there’s a few in my closet from 2009 as well. And sparkly swirls and buttoned back pockets be damned, I’m still wearing them.


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  • Snarkfest - I am not being snarky or sarcastic when I tell you that YOU NEED TO GIVE ME A FULL LIST OF WHAT I NEED TO WEAR. I need to fly to where you are and have you help me. My jeans have sparkly pockets. For the love of all that is holy, PM me and tell me what brands and what styles I need.ReplyCancel

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