Happy New Year, my Bachelor-lovin’ friends! What better way to usher in a brand new year than with a brand new Bachelor!
HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.
I haven’t been dreading a season this much since psychotic-in-a-silent-way Jake Pavelka. What is it about serial contestant Nick Viall (pronounced “Vile” because God has a kick-ass sense of humor) that bugs me so much? GLAD YOU ASKED.
- He’s icky.
Okay, fine. I’ll keep going.
- He’s icky.
- He’s creepy.
- He’s cocky — both in attitude and because…
- He’s an F-boy (thank you, Thing 1, for that term—and for the others of you who don’t know what it means, it means exactly what you think it does).
- He likes to flaunt being an F-boy.
- He’s arrogant, but wants everyone to believe he’s not.
“But Michelle,” I can hear you say. “Couldn’t you say those things about almost all the Bachelors, except, of course, born-again virgin Sean Lowe?”
Sure, but we only had to endure those fools for like two seasons at most. The worst thing about Nick?
HE WON’T GO AWAY.
In full disclosure, I will admit there have been times when I’ve had a momentary lapse in judgment and forgotten how gross he could be. When he went against like EVERY ABC BACHELOR CONTRACTED CODE and called Andi out publicly — and questioned her intentions — for having sex with him in the Fantasy Suite; that was pretty shocking, and pretty awesome. And a year and a half ago I actually felt sorry for him watching the way Kaitlyn so cruelly broke his heart at her final rose ceremony. You know, when she let him come thisclose to proposing weeks after they had the shocking-but-not-really-shocking pre-Fantasy Suite sex that we had to hear about EVERY EFFING SECOND for the rest of the season. The sex that was clearly his Bachelorette round II plan to clinch the win but that still left him the last minute loser. Wah wah.
SECRETIVE SEX DOESN’T PAY, PEOPLE. I think we can all learn a lesson from that.
And then I actually *whispers* liked him on After The Final Rose for the way he handled himself with class and humility when Kaitlyn turned into a big liar and rolled her eyes when he brought up all the post-SEX things she said to him that led him to believe that, oh, I don’t know, HAVING SECRET SEX WITH HIM MEANT SOMETHING. I mean, other than “I’m easy, you’re easy, let’s swap fluids.”
Don’t worry, I got over it like 10 minutes later.
Then he disappeared for like a year and just lived the Z-list life by making public appearances at places like hair & beauty shows in the midwest. (I’m not kidding — my friend/hairdresser said he was the “celebrity” guest at a beauty show in Chicago, and get this, no one was even in line to see him. Hair extensions – 1; Nick Vile – 0. She totally got a selfie with him though, and said he was every bit as douchy as you’d expect.)
When we got through JoJo’s season without him reappearing, I thought we were finally in the clear and could all start to lead a
Viall Vile-free life.
Of course not.
Not when the lure of bare skin, beaches, easy women, more TV time, and free-flowing alcohol were concerned.
I’ll admit, I didn’t watch Bachelor in Paradise last summer, but apparently much like what happened with me during his ATFR appearance, Nick somehow hoodwinked America — and the ABC execs — into believing he’s genuine.
Fool us once, shame on you.
Fool us twice, shame on us.
Fool us THREE, possibly FOUR times? God help us all.
So here we are.
And here he is.
Let’s make a pact, shall we? Let’s pledge to keep an open mind, close our eyes when things get too gross, and above all else, remember to shower the filth off every Monday night at 9 p.m.
Grab my hand, people, heerreee we go.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
THIS EPISODE WAS BORING AS HELL so making this recap entertaining will take every ounce of recapping juice I have (especially since I’m respecting my liver and the only juice I’ve had tonight is Ginger Ale).
*disclaimer, NOT an excuse
Harrison starts things off with the obvious and tells us that this is the “most controversial Bachelor in history” and reminds us we’ve all “seen Nick grow.”
I think you have us confused with Andi and Kaitlyn, good sir, but I’ve missed you so you’re forgiven.
Next, Nick spends too long trying to call himself “The Bachelor” and tells us it “tastes funny coming out of his mouth” (hundred bucks says that’s not the first time he’s said that) and then openly admits his faults:
He looks away too much
He puts his hand on his face all the time
His whiskers smell like bleu cheese
He has a hard time sitting on couches
He’s a liar
He’s a shit poet
He can’t tell time
Okay, fine. He didn’t say all those things. I’ll let you figure out which ones he did say. (It’s harder than you thought, amiright?)
We then go to Waukesha, Wisconsin and once again see Nick’s ginormous, adoring family who all seem so awesome and supportive and loving and think Nick is just swell which makes me wonder if we’re all wrong and maybe he is a stand-up guy after all.
Then he meets with his spiritual advisor and youngest sister, Bella. You know, the darling little girl we’ve seen in tears twice now because she’s come thisclose to having a pretty new sister but her brother effed it up.
Bella sits him down and reads him a list of dating advice, which is far more sage than any advice I’ve heard any adult on this show ever give.
After some ABC scripted words about how “grateful” and “excited” he is to have this opportunity, we get some near-money shots of Nick stripping and soaping up his naked torso, well below the belly button.
“I’M JUST A CHILD!” my 15yo screams, as I, too, holler and cover my face … with splayed fingers over my eyes.
Then it’s time for Nick to meet up with former Bachelors Sean, Ben, and Farmer Chris (who’s wearing plaid so we’ll recognize him) because obviously ABC wanted Nick to get advice from three levels of expertise:
- Advanced (seriously, if you do not follow Bachelor supercouple Sean Lowe and Catherine on Instagram, stop reading this and do it NOW — they are hysterical, adorable, and have the world’s cutest baby)
- Novice (If you find yourself in love with two women, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. – from “Things Ben Learned as The Bachelor”)
- Worthless (F is for failure, fool, and farmer)
“A lot of people see Nick as this giant tool bag,” Sean says to Ben and to the other tool bag at the table. And then he said something else but I was busy googling “What happened to Juan Pablo” because of the word ‘tool bag,’ obviously.
The dudes all discuss Nick’s rise from tool to cool while acting like they like him and then give him advice and agree that Nick 4.0 is gonna do great. But then Ben tells him to just “be Nick” and they all laugh and laugh and toast glasses of brown liquor because they really don’t care.
Nick leaves to suit up for the ladies while ABC gives us a behind-the-scenes look at a handful of them they’re trying to make us believe will last long enough for us to care.
Here’s Rachel, an African-American attorney from Dallas who’s smart, sassy, and loves her job almost as much as she loves to dance with her vacuum after work.
Danielle L. is the owner of the most fabulous nail salon I’ve ever seen and a set of fake boobs she clearly thinks are just as fabulous.
Vanessa is a bilingual (or maybe she said trilingual, I’m not sure — I was still making notes about Danielle’s breasts) special education teacher who seems very sweet and I like immediately until she says she thinks Nick seems “genuine.”
Josephine is a nursing student, which she decided to be after killing it in her “Leg Avenue” Halloween costume in 2014.
She’s also a self-described “kook” who has conversations with her cat, which I may or may not totally understand.
Raven is from Hoxie, Arkansas.
Quick, imagine every clichéd thing you can about a 20-something hot girl from Arkansas.
You just nailed Raven.
Corinne is 24 and runs a multi-million dollar company with her family while still living with her family in a swanky high-rise condo overlooking the beach in Miami.
Oh, and is still cared for by her nanny.
As in, A WOMAN WHO CUTS HER CUCUMBERS FOR HER.
Shockingly, she’s still single.
Alexis likes to goof off in her backyard in an inflatable sumo suit and send her little dog afloat in her pool. Oh, and she’s obsessed with dolphins. Like so obsessed even her sisters are weirded out.
Look out, Josephine, I think you’ve been out-kooked.
Danielle with the cute hair is a neonatal nurse from Nashville who is passionate about her job and whom I love until she tells us Nick “has a strong confidence about him” that she finds attractive.
And then there’s Liz, the doula from Las Vegas who banged Nick after Jade and Tanner’s wedding but hasn’t spoken to him since.
Now that we’ve met them, it’s time for Nick to.
That makes one of us.
The first limo arrives full of a group of woo-woo girls who can’t believe their lucky stars the Bachelor is Nick which tells us pretty much all we need to know.
Danielle L. and her boobs are the first to step out.
Rachel the vacuuming attorney looks hot in red but says something dumb about a fantasy team and his heart.
GRADE/PROSPECT: A-/Rachel is darling and has my vote for the first African American Bachelorette when Nick dumps her for Danielle’s boobs.
Taylor is a mental health counselor who greets Nick by telling him her girlfriends think he’s “a piece of shit” so right away is one of my favorites.
GRADE/PROSPECT: C/Not the best way to get a dude excited to meet your friends
A cute girl in a fabulous sparkly dress named Lauren Hussy greets Nick by slamming his last name (Hey! Only if YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BLOG, LAUREN) and telling him that if you combine them they make a “disgusting slut.”
Because obviously she hated her dress.
GRADE/PROSPECT: D/shoulda let the sparkles do all your talking, Hussy
Sarah, an impossibly adorable grade school teacher comes sprinting down the driveway in tennis shoes holding her dress up.
“I thought you’d appreciate another RUNNER UP,” she tells him, and he laughs and laughs and then dissolves into a puddle of tears but we cannot tell because he just blends in to the freshly hosed down cobblestones.
GRADE/PROSPECT: B+/Cute and memorable, despite the backhanded insult.
Jasmine G. is a professional basketball dancer and her gimmick is bringing Neil Lane back from the dead to appear with a tray of rings she’s already picked out.
GRADE/PROSPECT: F/Way too presumptuous, JASMINE. Not to mention the field of red flags you being friends with Neil Lane brings to the game. Ick.
Hailey, the 87th girl to step out of the limo in a red dress, uses her best pick up line.
“Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” she asks him slyly.
“Um, no?” Nick says.
“Neither do I,” she trills, and slinks inside.
Nick seems flustered, but we all know he’s already adding her to the pre-Fantasy Suite sex list he has folded up in his pocket.
GRADE/PROSPECT: A/No underwear = No brainer
Astrid tells Nick in German that he’s in touch with his sex life and that her breasts are real.
Nick looks confused but tells us with a grin he’s sure he heard the word “sex” in there.
He’s so smart.
GRADE/PROSPECT: C/Nick likes be able to understand it when you talk dirty. Duh.
And then Liz arrives and tells us point blank she had sex with Nick after Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
“It was just a fun night,” she says. They apparently had chemistry, connection, and about a fifth of scotch each. NBD.
She wonders if Nick will remember her, which is a totes valid question and also, sad on so many levels.
She walks toward him.
He smiles and looks at her like you look at the woman you see at Costco and know you know but aren’t sure if she’s your pharmacist or your daughter’s old tap teacher.
They make pleasant yet awkward small talk.
Nick: I look forward to getting to know you better inside.
Me: Um, pretty sure you already know her inside.
Liz tells us that she’s pretty sure Nick doesn’t remember her and she kind of likes that because she likes a little mystery.
Husband: There’s a lesson in self-esteem, girls. Write it down.
Harrison steps in.
Harrison, as if he hasn’t orchestrated this exact moment: You gave an odd look when that last woman got out of the limo.
Nick: Yeah, (heh heh) I’m like 99% sure I met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding but there’s like 5% of me that can’t be sure until I see her boobs.
Harrison: That’s something you’ll need to get to the bottom of.
Husband: Sounds like he already has.
GRADE/PROSPECT: F/They’ve already done it so he really has no use for her anymore.
Spoiled little rich girl Corinne arrives and gives Nick a hug token but tells him he has to redeem it from her nanny.
GRADE/PROSPECT: B/She seems horny
Vanessa the special ed teacher arrives and begins speaking French. Nick waits to hear a word that sounds like sex and when he doesn’t hear one tells her she has a pretty dress.
GRADE/PROSPECT: B+/He’ll get her to say sex in French by episode two, guaranteed
Kooky Josephine shows up with a book with the pages cut out showcasing a raw wiener, because “you’re a WIENER in my book” she tells him.
Then she asks if he’d like to “Lady and the Tramp” it with her, which he does, although he’s clearly uncomfortable having a wiener in his mouth.
GRADE/PROSPECT: F/WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT??
Okay, you guys, we have to move on so let’s make the rest of these fast.
Cute Danielle has him lick maple syrup off her fingers (gross, but A+ move), Jaimi shows him her balls — in her nose ring (yuck — D), Susannah gives him a beard massage (F – Even Nick was creeped out by that), Lacey arrives on a camel (“I hear you like a good hump — so do I” she says, which earns her a grade and prospect of A for obvious reasons), and then in what may be the greatest entrance and debate ever to arise on Bachelor history, Alexis appears in a dolphin costume.
OR IS IT A SHARK?
*It’s a shark. Dolphins don’t have gills. Any aspiring dolphin trainer would know that, ALEXIS.
Regardless of her ignorance, she’s pretty damn awesome.
GRADE/PROSPECT: C/The grade may rise when Nick is able to see her boobs
Holy hell, please tell me it’s time for the cocktail party.
Since the next hour (for us, but more like 10 for them) is excruciatingly boring and entirely predictable, let’s bullet the highlights:
- Rachel the vacuuming attorney is engaging and they bond over their Duggar-sized families. Despite her using big words, Nick can see himself with her.
- Danielle L plays with her hair while Nick compliments her repeatedly on her dress while burning a hole through her fake boobs with his laser-beam eyes.
- Vanessa the bi or trilingual special ed teacher is feeling the chemistry and tells us she already wants to kiss him.
Vanessa: I feel like the stars aligned because I wanted it to be you!
Nick: Your dress is pretty.
- Corinne also wants to kiss Nick but can’t get ahold of her nanny to ask permission, so she has to walk away.
- Later, Corinne steals Nick away a second time and kisses him — token free! — with tongue.
Nick tells us the kiss made him uncomfortable and expects us to believe him.
- The girls hate Corrine immediately and call her a slut while her nanny makes them all pb&js.
- Alexis gets shit-faced drunk and the girls have fun tossing treats into her mouth while she dances and splashes in the pool chirping like a dolphin in her shark suit. “I want to be friends with the dolphin-shark,” a few of them say. SAME.
- Nick sits on the side of the pool and splashes water on her head to keep her alive while telling her that her costume is a shark, not a dolphin.
JUST LET THE GIRL BELIEVE SHE’S A DAMN DOLPHIN.
- Hookup Liz still thinks Nick doesn’t know who she is, and she’s still just fine with that. She’s glad he doesn’t remember having sex with her, which makes me start to wonder just how bad she is at sex &/or what she doesn’t mind him forgetting.
But here’s the real story: Nick asked for her number after the good or bad sex, and she didn’t give it to him, which is certainly her right, but rightly makes Nick wonder why the hell she’s here — supposedly for him — when she hasn’t wanted to see him in the past eight months? His number would have been easy to get from Jade, so why now? YEAH, LIZ, I yell, and then realize I’m siding with Nick and slap myself in the face.
- First impression rose goes to Rachel the attorney, which raises my opinion of Nick ever so slightly. Don’t worry, he’ll do something douchey soon.
Rose ceremony #1:
Vanessa in the pretty dress
The other, cute Danielle (the nurse with the sassy hair and really bad judgment)
Christen, a saucy girl in a saucy yellow dress who I totally forgot to write about but there’s no way in hell I’m going back to add her in now
Astrid the German and her very real boobs
Corinne, whose nanny is already unpacking for her
Raven, the cutie patootie from Arkansas
Jasmine, sans Neil Lane
Sarah the sprinter
Josephine the naughty nurse, despite her penchant for raw wieners and bad jokes
Taylor who needs stop talking about her friends and needs to eat a donut
Jaimi and her balls
Hailey, because she went commando
Liz, because maybe the sex wasn’t so bad
These girls who I have do not remember seeing:
Whitney (Minnesota represent!)
Brittany, who is darling and makes me wonder why we didn’t see more of her (she probably wore underwear, ROOKIE)
And, happily, dolphin-shark Alexis, who is most likely destined to be the BFF which is okay with me because history tells us the BFF sticks around for awhile.
Leaderboard after week 1 (and unlike Ben’s season and JoJo’s season where I pretty much predicted the winner night one, these are a total shot in the dark):
Danielle L. – because them boobs
That’s a wrap, folks.
See ya back here next week where we’ll maybe get the answers to these questions:
Will Alexis take off he dolphin-shark suit?
Will Liz share her dirty little secret?
Who will cut Corinne’s cucumbers?
Check back Tuesday or maybe Wednesday. And hey, if you like the recaps, please please please share the love (and link!) with your friends, co-workers, in-laws, hairdresser, butcher, gyno, Taco Bell server — whoever. I appreciate it!
For more mostly-accurate recaps of past, more entertaining seasons, click HERE!
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