Since I was hurtling through the air on a plane back to Minneapolis on Monday night, I didn’t get to watch the most recent shenanigans until Tuesday, and you guys, those two hours of my life THAT I’LL NEVER GET BACK have been bitch slapping me ever since.
Seriously, three episodes in and this is the worst season I’ve ever watched. I could not be more bored or disinterested in ANY of the players. (Notice I didn’t say disgusted.)
Nick is a pig.
(Most of) The girls are an embarrassment to the gender.
The editing is predictable and ridiculous.
The entire shitshow makes me want to vomit.
Sounds like a segue to me, so grab a barf bag and let’s go.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
While I’d like to sum up the episode by basically saying Nick is a dick and let us all move along with the REST OF OUR LIVES, I won’t, even though it’s becoming quickly apparent that it’s his dick he thinks with.
The episode picks up the morning after Nick drops the bombs about his secret hook up with Liz and the fact that he cut her loose. The girls are all gossiping and pondering what it all means for them, what it means for their journey to find honest and forever love, and what Nick’s intentions really are, just in case you thought any of them were actually smart.
It’s the night of the rose ceremony and Nick arrives looking especially douchy in a dark suit and Laura Ashley tie and gives his official statement about the hook up with a super creepy grin on his face the whole speech.
Nick: We hooked up. It was totally casual. She didn’t want to keep in touch. My ego can’t handle that. Ima focus on what’s here, like Corinne’s boobs, and am optimistic, because Corinne’s boobs.
Most of the girls, to their credit, are a bit disturbed by Nick’s cheerful speech and laissez faire attitude over the whole thing and we begin to see the first hints of concern that he really is a serial jackass.
After telling us that he “owes it to these girls to be as honest as possible” (SMH) Nick goes on to tell us he’s optimistic about 59 times because he knows that even if he loses all the other ones he’ll still have Corinne and her boobs to fall back on.
Apparently forgetting or choosing to ignore the fact that Nick is a total and complete nymphomaniac — not to mention a pathological liar — the girls giggle and flirt with Nick throughout the cocktail party.
Nick sits and strokes Danielle-with-the-boobs’ hands (not to be confused with Danielle-without-the-boobs) and tries to form words which is almost impossible when his brain is busy yelling at his eyes to focus on her face.
Nick: You’re someone I’m very intrigued in…er, I mean, someone I want to get to know.
While he’s busy making connections with eyes and hands and sizing up boobs outside, Corinne is in the bathroom cooking up yet another plan that involves her own bared ones.
“Tonight I’m going to to do something to one-up everyone around me,” she says, as she strips down and puts on a trench coat that her nanny just Fed-Exed to her. “I’m confident enough in myself to know I have the IT factor that guys really like,” she tells us, and then drops the coat, showing us and the ABC cameraman that she’s not talking about her brain, which is what I pause to tell my girls should always, always be the IT factor you find confidence in because it makes me feel better about myself as a parent and a human being to pepper this god-awful show with as many life lessons as I can.
When Nick sees Corinne in the coat, he’s confused, but the permanent horny grin on his stupid face tells us — and her — he’s intrigued. After shoving her tongue in his mouth she asks him to grab the can of Redi-Whip that is conveniently sitting on the step a foot away.
Sidenote: They’re both shit faced drunk. Not that that detail makes a difference, but you’ll need to imagine the following exchange as if you’re watching Sling Blade talk sexy.
Corinne squirts whipped cream into his mouth and licks it off.
My crew screams.
Nick: You are a treat. Mmm hmm.
Corinne squirts a line of whipped cream on her chest that leads down her cleavage.
Nick: What are you doing? Mmm hmm.
Corinne: Take it off my boob. Mmm hmm.
Nick shifts his creepy eyes around as if to make us believe he’s unsure of what to do.
Nick: Heh heh, you’re a troublemaker. Mmm hmm.
Nick, to us: I’ve been in this situation before and I’ve learned that every action you make affects everyone else. It’s a juggling act. I don’t want to put Corinne or anyone else in an uncomfortable situation but looking at that whipped cream on her bare boob is putting little Nick in a very uncomfortable situation.
And because little Nick always, always wins, big Nick leans in and licks the Redi-Whip off her boob while the other girls watch, horrified, from the side window.
Jasmine, the only one bold enough to walk in and interrupt the porn scene, takes Nick away and Corinne runs inside, sobbing to Lacey (because her nanny didn’t pick up) about how embarrassed she is that her sexual powers didn’t work the way she thought they would, which makes me question what in the ever-living god she was hoping would happen.
She cries and cries while Lacey wipes the sticky Redi-Whip residue off her chest and tells her she just wants to go home before passing out in her bed and missing the rose ceremony completely.
Roses to these fools, who despite having JUST WATCHED HIM LICK WHIPPED CREAM OFF ANOTHER WOMAN’S BOOB, giggle yes excitedly:
*who we like but who are stupid for saying yes to that jack-hole
Lacey, Corinne’s surrogate nanny
and a blond I do not ever remember seeing
And then in easily my favorite thing that happened this episode, which is saying a lot, we break to commercial — this commercial:
And then I realize the whole Redi-Whip thing was product placement and rigged all along and makes me think ABC is even more of a whore than I thought.
I’m switching to Cool Whip.
Okay, ya’ll, for the rest of this recap I’m going to have to really condense because it’s taken me two hours to write the mindless crap above and I need to do some more worthwhile things today like not do this.
Group Date – “Everybody”
Right after the title of the date card is read the Backstreet Boys saunter in the room to the song and the girls lose their minds.
Corinne takes off her shirt and squirts whipped cream in the air like silly string.
The BSB tell them they’ll be rehearsing to be their back up dancers for a concert that night and the girls middle-school their brains out and then half of them realize they aren’t on the date and tell them if they’re being honest they prefer NKOTB.
After a stupid rehearsal day where we get to hear Corinne whine a lot about how she cannot dance and Jasmine crow a lot about how she can, we get to see about 9 seconds of the actual performance which is cut and edited so much that it’s evident even ABC had higher hopes of how that one was going to turn out.
In the end, the BSB choose Danielle-with-the-boobs as the best dancer and they serenade them while they slow dance like 7th graders in front of 5,000 people but try to make us all believe it’s super romantic and not awkward AF.
Later in the evening, Corinne is still being a whiny, jealous baby because Nick hasn’t licked her boobs in like 12 hours and pulls him away. She apologizes for being a ho at the rose ceremony but Nick tells her no prob and he’s glad she’s here and then proceeds to try to suck out the remaining whipped cream that’s still left at the back of her throat.
Corinne, sexual identity and all-around confidence restored, returns to the group after telling us “I made Corinne great again,” has her nanny sing her a lullaby and falls asleep on a rooftop couch.
Danielle-with-the-boobs tells Nick she can see herself falling in love with him which proves it doesn’t take common sense to start your own nail salon. After giving her a taste of Corinne’s whipped cream remains they dance to weird mandolin porno music.
Meanwhile, Corinne has woken up from her nap and sits on the couch with the girls and discusses her boobs which somehow segues into how tiring it would be to have a baby.
Corinne: I need to get Raquel ready for that.
Other girls: Who’s Raquel? Your left boob? Your platinum vagine?
Corinne: My nanny.
OG: Uh, who?
Corinne: MY. NANNY.
OG: You have a nanny?
C: I do.
OG: Oh, you have kids?
Corinne: She keeps my life together! She wakes me up, makes my coffee, makes my bed, my cucumber and veggie slices for lunch, and knows how to make cheese pasta.
OG: So let’s get this straight. She knows how to set an alarm clock, throw a K-cup into a machine, tuck a sheet, use a knife, and boil water?
In then end, Nick gives the date rose goes to someone he has a great time with and is excited about the possibility of a relationship with and who has boobs he can motorboat: Danielle.
Corinne is completely flummoxed.
Corinne, in tears: I miss Raquel so much. I’ve had to do some big girl stuff…
Husband: Oh, you’ve been doing some big girl stuff alright…
One on One ~ Vanessa
Vanessa gets the coveted one on one date with Nick, the dude who she just witnessed sucking Redi-whip off another woman’s tit, and hasn’t been this excited in years.
They’ll be taking a Zero G plane up to get a feeling of zero gravity which means the giant plane will basically be going straight up super fast and then nose diving super fast to make them float and vomit over and over and over again.
In other words, worst date ever.
After a few trips up and down and some goofy weightless dancing and kissing Vanessa starts to feel nauseous, which is exactly how I’ve felt since this episode started. She’s sitting on the floor of the jumbo jet holding her mouth and finally, after making sure they got the shot but surely pissed they didn’t get flying chunks of zero G vomit, a cameraman brings her a barf bag which she immediately throws up into.
Nick holds her bag for her and rubs her back and she moans and pukes into a second one. “I’m so sorry,” she says, which apparently he hears as “please kiss me on my vomit flecked lips now.”
Vanessa: I just puked.
Nick: You still taste fine.
Husband: IS THERE ANYWHERE HE WON’T PUT HIS TONGUE?
Vanessa: I can’t believe you’re kissing me after I just puked.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE LETTING HIM!
Later that evening Vanessa tells us Nick is the total package because he took care of her and sucked the vomit off her tongue. They sit at a table on a rooftop (because ABC has completely lost all originality) and kiss some more and talk about taking chances and being optimistic and blah blah blah and then he gives her the date rose and gets the remaining chunks of vomit out of her molars with his tongue.
Group Date ~ “I’m done playing the field” (which we all know is complete bullshit)
This date is so horridly boring we’re going to play the YMFT patent-pending game of three words to get us through the beginning. Here we go:
Nick running track
Was competitive runner
Before competitive dickwad
Olympians come out
Not Backstreet Boys
So who cares
Girls have competition
Limo long jump
Other stupid games
Astrid is winner
Who is Astrid
Dominique is pissed because she feels like she’s always overlooked and says something about how he always gravitates toward everyone else. “It’s the worst case scenario,” she complains.
Husband: AIDS is worse.
Thing 1: Herpes.
Me: Explosive diarrhea in public.
Husband: Being trapped in an airplane with Vanessa.
Want us to go on? We could, but SORRY, THERE’S STILL 24 MINUTES OF THIS HELL LEFT.
Later that evening:
Nick takes Astrid away first. Astrid sits there and giggles. Nick looks like he, too, isn’t really sure who she is and how she got there.
Dominique cries and still feels overlooked.
Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis and Nick lie down on a gigantic and random poster of Nick and they kiss but he ignores her fake boobs (who are celebrating their 53rd week birthday) which is puzzling.
Rachel is still cute and bubbly and happy to be here. Nick rewards her relaxed, genuine vibe with some of Vanessa’s vomit that’s still clinging to his uvula.
Dominique sees Nick with Rachel and loses her shit. Takes Nick aside to “not bullshit” him and asks him why he isn’t giving her a fair chance and why didn’t he notice her neediness.
Nick: I’m noticing now. Buh bye.
Sends Dominique home and gives Rachel the rose.
The next day Harrison arrives and tells them there’s no cocktail party but the always drama-free pool party instead.
After oiling up their cleavages and getting their drinks on, Nick shows up in a hoodie for the sole reason of being watched while he strips it off.
While all the rest of the girls are tickling his tongue and pressing their boobs up against him Corinne has her nanny blow up a bouncy castle in the mansion driveway.
The other girls watch while Corinne takes Nick inside and straddles him in the bouncy house, which not surprisingly, he’s ALL ABOUT.
Alexis, calling it like it is: It was the worst pool party I’ve ever been to. Bitches.
After spending about an hour bouncing with Corinne on top of him, Nick returns to his other job of making sure the rest of the girls don’t feel uncomfortable while Corinne, who’s happily bounced out, goes inside to bed.
Raven takes Nick aside and spills the beans about Corinne’s nanny, which he questionably doesn’t look too concerned about, and that opens the floodgates for everyone to start unloading about what a spoiled bitch she is.
Nick is all, I don’t want friction or animosity, I just like the way her boobs bounce on me in the bouncy house. It’s so meta.
Vanessa isn’t afraid to see what his reaction is. Girlfriend is TICKED OFF and doesn’t want to be here anymore.
Vanessa: I’m questioning your intentions. I saw you riding her!
Nick: It was fun. We bounced.
Vanessa: There’s lots of questions and speculations about you. Why would you do something like that?
Nick: Uh…I’m super horny?
And then Vanessa says something that almost makes me like her again.
Vanessa: I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging YOUR actions. Are you looking for a wife? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with? Because at that point like I’d rather you just not give me a rose…
TO BE CONTINUED….NEXT WEEK
*No recap next week, folks. My sister will be in town visiting. Wah wah. (Does happy dance to have an excuse not to watch.) Check back Wednesday or check the FB page, though. If I get a chance to watch I may be able to post some quick thoughts.
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