I know I’ve said it before, but you guys, today’s recap is probably going to be short.
No, I swear.
BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
Seriously, OH MY GOD could this season be any more tedious and uninteresting, not to mention depressing? It’s almost enough to make you want to go to a tropical island, do way too many shots, and sit alone in tears after turning a volleyball game into a reflection of how shitty your life has become.
Grab a vessel of something to keep you awake and a box of kleenex, and let’s do our best to wade through all the despondency together, GIF style.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
GIF images from Giphy
The big “Taylor interrupting Nick and Corinne’s dinner” cliffhanger turns out to be super anticlimactic and stupid. Let’s just sum it up like this: Taylor tells Nick that Corinne is a liar (again) and leaves.
After the NOLa rose ceremony where we say an overdue goodbye to Jaimi with the nose balls and kooks Jospehine and Alexis, ABC finally loosens the purse strings and the gang heads to Bachelor-favorite locale, St. Thomas, a perfect place
to fall in love for everyone to delve into deep depression.
Kristina the darling Russian orphan gets the first one on one date with Nick, whose St. Thomas fashion includes festively patterned shorty swim shorts and a white tank that makes him look super douchy.
Like, more than usual.
They hop in a sea plane and dip and dive toward the ocean, miraculously landing safely in St. John where they sit on a ledge while Nick asks her a whole bunch of personal questions about the sister she had to leave behind in Russia and I’m like oh that’s so sad but have no idea my heart is about to break into a billion pieces and that I’m about to adopt a fully grown Russian woman.
At dinner Nick continues to probe, because ABC knows that digging up repressed feelings is always good television, and after a few minutes of clearly uncomfortable stalling Kristina tells us the story of her childhood, which basically makes any complaint you have about yours seem like crap … and will cause you to never, ever put on lipstick again without thinking of her.
Here’s the short version:
Mom was a drunk.
Couldn’t provide food.
Had a rule about not eating for a whole day.
Kristina ate lipstick in order to survive.
Voluntarily went to orphanage, because that was a family.
Got adopted at age 12 and had to make the choice to leave her sister behind for a life of “color” in America.
Obviously, she gets the rose … and AMERICA’S HEART.
Oh, you strong, resilient woman. What the hell are you doing on this show … and with Nick? Just keep moving, sister. There’s so much more color for you than this.
Let’s make #savekristina a thing, m’kay?
Group date – “Life’s a Beach” or “The moment you realize this show is effing you up and you just want to go home.”
The group takes a catamaran out to an island where ABC promptly makes them all do many shots and play sand sports and gives Nick a beaded necklace because St. Thomas.
It’s almost as if they know what will will happen.
The girls quickly begin to lose their minds because they can’t handle the way Corinne sucks the air out of their life when she’s around and because they can’t handle how Nick sucks, well, Corinne when she’s around.
The tequila does its job and the girls all stand around crying and whining and complaining about Nick and how they don’t understand him and his infatuation with Corinne while Corinne goes to take a nap under a palm tree and they all sit alone on the beach contemplating their choices … and figuring out new and different ways to accept the rose and a future from the man they do not understand or honestly really like.
Meanwhile, Jasmine isn’t too happy that she hasn’t had any alone time with Nick, a guy she seems to have some mixed feelings for.
She really likes him, though.
When she does finally get the coveted one on one time, she maybe makes some bad conversation choices.
After choking him like four more times, Nick makes a hasty decision to save his life.
Nick: Listening to you pour your heart out and how strongly you see a future with me…I don’t know that I feel that…I mean I was thinking about the time you tried to choke me…and then the second and third time you tried to choke me….and as hard as it is I think this might be the best time to say goodbye.
He then walks her out, holding her hand so she can’t choke him again.
Nick: I came to the realization that Jasmine is not someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. I mean, I’d like to go to sleep confident I’d wake up the next day without having been choked to death.
Raven, who we still like and want to be the next Bachelorette, apparently gets the date rose.
The next day Danielle-with-the-boobs and Whitney have the dreaded two-on-one date.
I know what you’re thinking. “Who the hell is Whitney?”
Danielle-with-the-boobs is surprisingly worried, despite not knowing who Whitney is either … not to mention her boobs.
Long story short:
They take a helicopter ride to a deserted beach with a giant canopied bed, which Nick thinks finally means ABC listened to his suggestions about changing the definition of the two-on-one date.
Whitney somehow thinks Nick knows who she is and seems genuinely shocked when he chooses Danielle-with-the-boobs even though it’s the first time they’ve ever had a conversation.
Danielle-with-the-boobs and Nick get back in the helicopter and fly off, leaving Whitney alone on the giant beach bed, which seems like a completely opposite way to end the date if you ask me.
Nick (to us): I don’t know if I really got what I wanted today.
Husband: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE BED ON THE BEACH, FOOL.
Nick starts to express concern about actually finding what he’s here to find.
Me: Redi-Whip, dude. Remember the Redi-Whip?
Nick (to me): Oh! Right! Thanks, sister.
Danielle-with-the-boobs is hopeful, though, and tells us she’s “an inch away from falling in love!” She might even leave this very dinner with that feeling!
Danielle starts talking about like how he’s like so honest and how like his honesty is like something she’s always lacked in like all her past relationships.
Nick, shockingly, isn’t looking at her boobs or listening to her but instead looks like he’s falling asleep.
Nick: What are you looking for?
Danielle: Love. Trust. What about you?
Nick: Raw. Raw bonin’, obvs. But now I’m wondering if it’s maybe more than that.
Kidding. About the bonin’ I mean. He actually did say “raw” and no, it didn’t make any sense.
Danielle like can tell him that like she is like falling in love with him but it’s like scary but it’s like amazing and she’s like looking forward to the future, which Nick rewards with this expression.
And then he does something that makes me question EVERYTHING, PEOPLE!
HE DUMPS HER.
You guys, all I know to be right with this show just went left.
Danielle cries in the limo of tears and tells us she isn’t perfect, no matter what her boobs look like.
With the ghosts of Andi and Kaitlyn swirling around his head, Nick wonders if the reality of it all is that he’s actually trying too hard to make it work.
I laugh for one thousand seconds.
The ABC producers instruct him go the girls’ room to make them all even more depressed and destroyed than this shitty week has already made them.
Nick cries as he uses buzz words like HONEST and REAL.
Nick: I’m terrified my biggest fear of nothing happening in this journey might come true because other than Corinne’s boobs I’m not really feeling any of you. So anyway, I just thought I’d come screw with your heads and show you all how vulnerable I am with my giant tears. Goodnight and good luck.
The girls completely break down.
The girls all wonder if Nick is done with them, and Corinne decides to turn things around with her platinum vagine.
Speaking of next week, I won’t be recapping, you guys.
Thing 1 is leaving for a semester in Australia on Wednesday the 15th and I’ll be spending Tuesday coming up with ways to trap her in the house, and if I fail, holding onto her and inhaling her. The rest of the week will be spent trying to distract myself with work, chardonnay, trying to memorize the 16 hour time difference chart I made so I know if I can text her or if I should be worried that I haven’t gotten a text from her, Thing 2’s superstar musical performances at the high school, and more chardonnay.
Catch you back here in two weeks for hometowns!
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