You guys, clearly we aren’t the only ones who think this season is the worst ever. Last week ABC went ahead and spoiled it for us three weeks out by publicly announcing Rachel Lindsay – a girl still IN IT TO WIN IT as far as we are concerned – as the new Bachelorette (a call, I should – and will – say, I made way back IN EPISODE ONE thankyouverymuch).
THE POINT IS, I WAS SORT OF RIGHT.
Even though I was off the recap last week because I was busy — mentally and physically — sending my firstborn HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD, I did actually watch, and other than the facts that
1. I want to go to Bimini
2. Nick surprisingly rejected Corinne’s platinum vagine and
3. Nick sent the darling Russian orphan home after almost drowning her while trying to have ocean sex with her, I have no other recollections of what the hell happened.
Just as well, because we’ve got four hometowns to visit, and since it’s a ridiculously unseasonable 60° here in Minneapolis today (did you get that? SIXTY DEGREES IN FEBRUARY) I refuse to spend more than one hour on this shit show.
I’ve got to go to Target with THE WINDOWS DOWN today.
Grab a glass of 15 year old single malt (because it’s apparently impressive) and throw on a $1400 sweatsuit, folks, and lets all pretend to be above gross financial envy.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
You guys, I don’t have a son, but if I did I can not imagine this is a conversation I’d ever have.
Son: Mom, when I want to get married, should I ask the girl’s father for his permission?
Me: Yes, but correction, son. You should ask for the girlS’S fathers’ permission. Plural.
I do have daughters, however, and even though I’m their mother, which apparently means my permission doesn’t mean shit, here is a conversation I can imagine having.
Me: Do you love my daughter?
Boy: I cannot say. I might love one of three other girls more. Can I have your blessing?
Me: Get the fuck out.
Seriously you guys, WHY DO THESE FATHERS ALLOW THIS? A season or so ago there was a dad (I believe it was Andi’s) who was all “No, you’ll get it when you can tell me she’s the ONE you want to spend your life with” and I was like
But overall, these dads are all basically nothing more than pimps. “Fine! You can have my daughter! I mean, after you’ve had the other two! No biggie! And I mean, sure, I know that right now as you’re asking FOR MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER’S HAND IN LIFELONG MARRIAGE you may very well be thinking, ‘I already know I’m not going to pick her but ABC is making me go through the stupid motions anyway and so I’m going to act like I want to propose and make a mockery of one of the most sacred conversations you’ll ever have,’ but I’ll say yes yes yes you have my blessing because I’M ON AN EFFING TV SHOW!”
Throw on a pair of waders and let’s mosey on down to Arkansas.
Hometown Date #1 – Raven
Hoxie, Arkansas appears to be a sleepy, one-light town which TBH doesn’t surprise me one bit as that’s exactly how I imagine all towns in Arkansas to be.
Raven greets Nick on a 4-wheeler wearing a white t-shirt and Polly Pocket’s jean shorts, which doesn’t surprise me for the exact same reasons.
After being punked by her policeman brother threatening to bust them for making out on top of a grain silo (a punk that Nick pretended to believe but was so completely staged and rehearsed it was stupid) Raven takes Nick 4-wheeling through the mud before stopping to shoot a sequence I’m calling “DIRTY Dancing.” WINK.
I’d say get a room but I’m not sure there are any in Hoxie, Arkansas.
*RELAX, Arkansasians, if there are any of you who actually read this blog. I’m not throwing stones. I live in Minnesota for crying out loud.
Nick tells us a lot how exciting life would be with Raven and that he has physical chemistry with her.
Since we all know Nick could find physical chemistry with anything that breathes (or doesn’t), that declaration means zilch.
After the two shower off their filth they head to Raven’s modest family home that TBH looks exactly how I imagine all homes in Arkansas to look.
Raven tells us that “bringing Nick home is bringing a lot of happiness to my parents…”
I cannot imagine that is true but let’s just go with it.
We meet Raven’s parents and learn that her father has been battling cancer for awhile and that she hasn’t believed he’d live to walk her down the aisle. However, when they sit down Raven’s mom has big news: Dad is cancer free!
I immediately tear up, for real.
Nick gives a few slow claps with an expression on his face like he’s not sure if this is truly happy news, probably because of the way Raven reacts by silently stroking her hair.
Seriously, you guys, I’m like two Kleenexes in and she’s just sitting there void of emotion.
Thankfully, Raven redeems herself as a truly feeling human being (not to mention a thankful and loving daughter) by having a heartfelt — and very teary — conversation with her father, one where Nick’s name is never mentioned, interestingly enough.
Mom, however, wants to hear everything.
Raven: I was worried he was going to be arrogant.
Mom: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
I like this mom instantly.
Raven: Seeing him with his family and his little sister changed my perspective. It is through the grit of my teeth I am falling for this guy.
You guys, I wish I could say I made that last bit up and that Raven did not really just say (in so many words) that admitting she likes Nick leaves a bad taste in her mouth, but I cannot.
Maybe she still has mud in her mouth.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s what she means.
Mom is worried, though.
Worried that her beloved daughter is a pawn in a game of polygamy?
OF COURSE NOT.
Mom is worried that Raven hasn’t said “I Love You” yet.
I’m hoping she meant that she’s worried because if Raven hasn’t been able to say it she must not feel it and will end up “with her heart broke” [sic – because Arkansas] and not because it means she won’t win the game.
Fool me once…
Nick and Raven’s dad go outside to have their staged and awkward television convo, which goes something like this:
Nick: If Raven makes it to the end, are you comfortable with us getting engaged?
And here is when the dad has the perfect opportunity to say OH, THE HELL NAW, but of course…
Dad: I didn’t expect to like ya, but you’re a very likable guy. I could live with that. It would satisfy me.
Raven tells us she’s always been scared she’d never feel the love her parents have, but now she can see it in this ass hat she’s known for four weeks so she tells him she loves him.
Nick is confused by her backwards Arkansas declaration of love and gets in the SUV and leaves Raven standing there with immediate regrets that her fairy tale moment has passed her by.
Hometown Date #2 – Rachel
Since we already know how Rachel’s journey ends (at least this journey), let’s move through this hometown quickly.
Nick tells us the chemistry he has with Rachel is “probably the most explosive chemistry I have with any of the other women.”
“Today could be a big turning point…” he tells us.
Rachel takes Nick to her predominantly black church where the choir is clapping and swaying and the congregation is all aMEN-ing and Nick tries to act like he’s fitting in but looks absolutely terrified.
Then Rachel, Nick, her mom, her older sister, and her brother-in-law who strangely enough looks like he could be related to Nick and wears no socks (two strikes against him) basically beat the interracial elephant in the room dead the rest of the date which tells us pretty much everything we need to know about how Rachel’s season will go.
Hometown Date #3 – Corinne
Nick tells us that his and Corinne’s physical connection is undeniable in case we’ve all forgotten that he’s not only touched, but licked, her boobs.
Corinne meets Nick in a belly-baring peasant top, black jeans, and her typically ratty hair extensions and tells him she’s taking him shopping in “one of the most exclusive malls in Miami” I guess to make sure we know that her look was paid for. (Seems to me she could spend some dough cleaning up that hellish rat’s nest on her head, but as usual, no one asked.)
What follows is a montage of disgust, excess, and complete indulgence, and I may or may not have been the tiniest bit envious.
Nah, it’s actually pretty horrendous, and I’m not just talking about the outfits she has Nick model for her.
Corinne squeals between sips of her champagne while Nick tells us in voiceover he wonders if her habits should make him worried.
Clearly that douchy hat is blocking his view.
Corinne shops with abandon and makes sure we know that she’s footing the bill for the outfit Nick ends up with, which is basically a gray Champion sweatshirt and some black jeans.
The total damage is almost $3500 which doesn’t even make her blink but does give her the courage to tell Nick she loves him.
Then it’s off to the luxury high rise to meet the family responsible for this mess and, of course, the infamous Raquel, who is actually allowed to sit at the table with them…after serving them.
After sniffing his fancy wine (so we know it’s fancy) Daddy takes Corinne into a bedroom where they lie next to each other on the bed and talk about Nick.
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THIS DISTURBING?
Daddy: What do you see in him?
Corinne: He sees the whole Corinne. Like, I mean, obvi he’s seen my boobs but he sees more than that. Although he did refuse my platinum vagine so I guess that’s not entirely true.
Daddy: Well, duh. But can he make a living to keep you happy?
Corinne says yes but you can tell she’s worried that the appearance fees at Midwest Hair & Beauty shows won’t cover the cost of her weekly pedicures.
Meanwhile, Nick is meeting with Raquel, a lovely woman who didn’t ask to be thrust into this spotlight so I’m going to give her a break.
She tells Nick she loves Corinne like her own daughter. You know, the one she was probably forced to leave behind in Cuba 17 years ago to come care for this family.
Then Daddy takes Nick aside (not to a bed) and pours him some 15 year old single malt (this I know because Daddy made sure to tell us) and proceeds to insult and emasculate him all at once.
Daddy: Corinne likes the finer things in life. I asked her if you don’t find success as “The Bachelor” would you be happy with her being the breadwinner? She said yes.
Nick: Um, I’m in SOFTWARE SALES, JIM. Geesh. Plus, if I can somehow turn America’s opinion of me around in the next two weeks, there’s always DWTS.
Corinne tells her mother she loves Nick while Nick has the permission talk with Daddy.
Daddy: If you can say you’d be happy with Corinne for the rest of your life then that’s good enough for me.
Nick suddenly realizes what his reality might be and jumps off the balcony of the 43rd floor condo.
Hometown Date #4 – Vanessa
Let me just preface this date with this statement:
Vanessa is AN IDIOT.
Seriously you guys, why is this lovely, lovely woman still in this awful game with this awful man??
Basically Vanessa’s date is a day showing us what an amazing and beloved and special woman Vanessa is to her special education adult students and her large, wonderful family, who thankfully seem as concerned as I am about her future with this ass wipe.
In the interest of time I’m going to cut to the chase.
When visiting her dad and stepmom, Vanessa’s dad takes Nick aside for “the talk,” which goes almost exactly like this:
Dad: What do you find special about Vanessa compared to the other girls?
Nick: Her vibe. Comfort level. Trust. Immedia—
Dad: Enough with the buzz words. I just want her to be happy.
Nick: Your daughter is very special to me. At least as special as three others. Blah blah more random buzz words will you give us your blessing if she is lucky enough to be chosen?
Dad: I cannot. You have three other women left in this godforsaken game. Did you ask their fathers for blessings also?
Nick: Uh…I mean…in a way I ran it by them…
Dad: You ran it by them? Yes or no?
Nick: In a way, yeah.
Dad: So you’re telling me you want to get engaged to my daughter?
Nick: I mean, her or one of three others, yeah.
Dad: I don’t want her to get hurt.
Nick: We want the exact same thing … I mean other than to take Corinne to the Fantasy Suite so I can finally see that platinum vagine.
Dad: Well then, okay. You have my blessing.
Then Vanessa tells her dad if Nick were to ask her she’d say yes and that she’s never been more sure about a relationship which makes Vanessa one of the saddest, stupidest people I’ve ever encountered in my life.
Dad tells her Nick asked for his blessing.
Vanessa’s thrilled, thinking it means she’s the winner.
Vanessa: Did you ask if he’d asked the other parents for their blessing? Cause I think that would be a game changer.
Dad: Yes. He asked them all.
After Nick leaves Vanessa tells us this news makes her question if Nick even knows who he wants to be with.
If he’s not sure, she wants to “reevaluate.”
She’s questioning if her judgment is off.
I’m all “ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!!” but as usual, I’m ignored.
A few days later we meet up with Nick in a NYC high rise penthouse where the next rose ceremony will be for some reason.
He’s sipping coffee on the balcony and contemplating his choices:
A. Redneck hottie
B. Out of his league
D. Too good for him
The girls, meanwhile, have their own worries.
Raven is worried she’s the only one not to declare her love so that means she’s out. (SMH)
Rachel is the new Bachelorette so she doesn’t give a fuck.
Corinne thinks their date went incredible because she bought him a really nice track suit.
And Vanessa has unanswered questions, all of which any person truly considering a lifetime commitment would bolt from.
Nick is getting dressed for the cocktail party but is still confused.
He has to go out and stand by the balcony rail to contemplate and lean.
Suddenly, there’s a pair of high heels walking VERY DETERMINEDLY down the hallway and a sharp RAP RAP RAP on his door.
(ABC obviously wants us to be super intrigued.)
Is it Raven there to say I love you?
Is it Rachel dropping the mic and walking away?
Is it Corinne and a can of Redi-Whip?
Is it Vanessa ready to get some questions answered??
Nope, IT’S … dun dun DUNNNNN … ANDI!!!
Sorry, ABC, even this lame stunt can’t make us care about this lost season.
And so we wait.
Will Raven finally declare her love? Will it be too late?
Will Rachel last another round?
Will Corinne’s platinum vagine finally get its chance to shine in the Fantasy Suite?
Will Vanessa finally OPEN HER DAMN EYES?
Find out next week, which thankfully will almost be the last.
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