Here’s a question for you.
You have two choices of what to eat for dinner:
1.) a lovely, balanced meal that will leave you feeling sated, happy, energized, and good about yourself
2.) a steak that looks lovely but is actually so tough and difficult to get through that it leaves you feeling frustrated, angry, and wreaks havoc on your gastro system
Seems like a no-brainer, right?
Grab a wooden mug of something warm and bundle up, folks, we’re heading back to Finland.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
We start back in the live studio with Chris Harrison, who is looking especially styled and fancy in various hues of grayish-purple. Nice to see where the budget has gone.
Harrison tells us Nick is at a crossroads. Coincidentally I am, too. I wasn’t going to have any wine this week in an effort to shed a few pounds before spring break but now that I’m faced with this three hour shit-storm I cannot decide if I want to open a bottle of Pinot or say screw it and go straight for the vodka.
After Harrison promises us something historic, extraordinary, and never before seen in Bachelor history (insert eye roll here) we zoom back to Finland, but this time are in Rovaniemi, right at the Arctic Circle, best known as the home of Santa Claus and a place where elves like to follow you around skipping.
According to Nick it’s the perfect place to start the most important week of this journey.
Yeah, because somewhere like this sucks.
In ABC’s defense, Finland is really the only place on earth left that Nick hasn’t already jinxed.
We hear Nick admit that he’ll be devastated to leave this journey alone … again … which begs the question: Does he really want one of the remaining women to be his fiancé or does he just really not want to leave alone?
Thankfully, part of his Duggar-sized family has been flown to Finland to help him figure his heart out once again.
The frequent flier miles this family must have by now is staggering.
Nick meets up with them in an ugly yellow ’80s house ABC has set them up in, because clearly the network’s Viall budget has been maxed out and they don’t really give a damn anymore.
Mom is there looking right at home in a pelt vest and is, as usual, already crying.
Dad is there looking concerned.
Bella is there, again, because mom and dad Viall have already pre-paid the therapy.
Assorted sisters and brothers who haven’t gotten a chance to be on camera the previous seasons are there, pissed as all hell because Finland.
Raven arrives, darling as usual, and straight away the family brings up Andi and Kaitlyn and lets Raven know how happy they are to see Nick on this end of the game, you know, the end where he gets to break hearts … like hers.
Bella, who’s been to this rodeo before — hell, who has been raised at this rodeo — takes Raven aside.
Bella: Do you love Nick?
Raven: I do!
Bella: I hope he picks you! I haven’t met the other girl but —
Raven: You’re not going to like her.
Raven can imagine herself fitting right in with Nick’s big family and tells his dad she’s in love and is hoping for a proposal.
Nick’s mom cries and tells Raven — again — how Nick was shut out by Kaitlyn.
Raven continues to ignore the giant Kaitlyn-shaped elephant in the room and assures his mom she won’t hurt him, which makes mom cry even harder because someone on the planet finally loves her boring, douchey son.
After Raven leaves, the family tells Nick they like Raven and Nick tells them he’s ready to take the risk — say it with me now — again.
Mom tells Nick she can see that Raven has affected him in a “very positive way.”
I’d like to counter that it is Nick, in fact, who has affected Raven in a very positive way, but as usual, no one asks me.
The next day the family is STILL talking about Nick’s past heartbreaks and worried about
looking like idiots again on national television his heart.
“They can still say no,” a brother says. “And given the track record…”
The brother is my new favorite Viall.
Vanessa arrives at the ugly yellow house in a pair of pickle green pants I’m certain I own.
Nick, as usual, feels the need to lift her up like a toddler when he says hello.
Vanessa meets the fam and immediately tells them she’s from Montreal where she has a big family she’s close to and a job she loves.
Then Vanessa tells them the sweet story about their first date where she vomited in Nick’s mouth and how having someone there to take care of her is what she’s been waiting for.
She has to stop because the memory of him dislodging the vomit flecks with his tongue is so tender it makes her cry.
Nick sits there mute until his sister is like, uh, idiot, this is where you’re supposed to chime in, maybe put a hand on her TO COMFORT HER because she’s having a moment.
He’s all, oh! Yeah! I had a lot of fun! It was a great first date!
After that Vanessa talks in circles to both Nick’s mom and dad for a long time about feelings and fears and everyone cries a lot and it’s excruciatingly boring.
Let’s move on.
Vanessa’s last date:
Nick reminds us that he’s still conflicted, and that basically he’s just tying to figure out which woman will say yes. Once he figures that out he’ll have his answer.
Nick and Vanessa take a horseback ride through a frosty postcard, which I have to admit is gorgeous.
They end up at a tiny wooden cottage located right at the Arctic circle where Santa — or the best Santa ABC could afford — greets them.
“Santa” invites them in to sit by the fire and brings them a gift of a ceramic heart with their pictures carved on it as well as the symbols of happiness and fertility, which is kind of gross of Santa if you ask me.
Then they go outside to drink from whimsical wooden mugs and look somber and serious while they talk about how seriously Vanessa takes all of this and how Nick wants a love he’s never had.
There’s such a downer feeling to it all and I just want to shout, “YOU’RE AT FREAKING SANTA’S HOUSE PEOPLE! LIGHTEN UP!”
Vanessa tells Nick she wants to feel different.
Nick tells her if they end up together it’s because their relationship shined over all the others.
That night she vows to get some questions answered, because she feels like Nick has been too general so far.
Clearly she’s never watched this show.
Vanessa: Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?
Nick: The week’s not over.
Vanessa: I don’t like that answer.
Me: I don’t like you.
Vanessa wants romance and Nick tries to convince her that it’s romantic to talk and argue, which makes it suddenly clear why he is still single.
Vanessa realizes Nick loves her but is feeling the same things for Raven and can’t take it so she lays on the couch sobbing while Nick lays on top of her and tries to cop a feel, because romance.
Raven’s last date:
Imagine everything totally opposite of Vanessa’s last date.
But really, when Nick sees Raven arrive he smiles for the first time in 48 hours.
They go ice skating and basically spend a few hours having goofy, stupid FUN.
He even tells us it’s so easy with Raven — it’s playful, its fun, and she always puts him in great spirits.
Aaannd suddenly I know exactly how this is going to end.
They sit by the fire and snuggle while they talk about how much his family loved Raven and how much Raven loved his family and then Nick leaves and brings back three Husky puppies for them to play with, but it’s not romantic at all because there’s no somber talking &/or arguing.
Later, Nick arrives at Raven’s cabin.
Raven immediately toasts to the two of them and tells Nick she’s in love with him.
Raven: Without giving me too many details, how are you doing?
Nick: I can’t move my neck. I’m stressed. Tomorrow is it. I care about both of you so much. It really eats me alive.
Raven: It must be tough! I am understanding and supportive. I get that this is your position in this game and instead of dragging you down with my insecurities I will let you know that I love you and I am sure of you and let you cop a feel without any tears.
They talk in circles for awhile longer and then Raven jinxes everything by telling us this:
“This is the last night we’ll call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. It will be fiancee from here on out! The next time I see him it will be a ‘best day of my life’ moment. I can’t wait! I can’t wait!”
Now I’m certain he will pick depressa Vanessa.
The next morning Nick meets the embalmed Neil Lane and picks out a ring.
Neil: Good to see you again, my friend!
Vanessa is getting ready and crying her mascara off already and telling us for the bazillionth time that she’s worried about all the unknown factors.
Raven is ready for it and wants to go to bed tonight wearing her engagement ring … and Nick.
Nick tries to convince us he’s conflicted.
He knows Raven will say yes.
He thinks Vanessa wants assurances that aren’t realistic and can’t guarantee her anything.
The moment of truth arrives with the first limo.
Raven steps out, glowing and giddy.
This. Is. Tragic.
Until I remember the dude holding the ring is Nick, and that this sweet girl just dodged the biggest bullet of her life, and them I’m all
Raven has Nick hold her hands to calm her and tells him how much she loves him and says such sweet things while he just looks at her stone-faced and lets her go on … EVEN WHEN SHE TELLS HIM SHE’S FOUND THE LOVE HER RECENTLY CANCER-FREE DAD HAS ALWAYS WANTED HER TO HAVE.
Then he breaks her heart by telling her he doesn’t know if he’s IN love with her and — straight from The Bachelor playbook — “his heart is somewhere else.”
Raven takes off her stiletto and beats him over the head with it.
No, she’s actually completely classy and tells him she’ll never regret telling him how she feels.
Nick: I’m going to miss you.
Raven: I know.
To add insult to injury Nick then WALKS HER OUT TO THE LIMO OF REJECTION WITHOUT HER COAT ON because he’s super classless.
As expected, Raven then wonders what she did wrong and why she can’t find love.
Oh, sweetheart, you’ll find it. Bachelor in Paradise is only like three months away and I have a feeling you’ll be very, very popular with the boys wanting to rock your world.
Nick composes himself (I read it took two hours) and tells us he’s been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time but looks like he just killed all those puppies when he tells us this.
Vanessa arrives and Nick tells her he’ll never forget the first moment he saw her and the moment he started to fall in love with her.
Tells her he tried to fight it, which is more than a little concerning if you ask me, but of course, NO ONE DID.
He tells her he loves her and is in love with her and sees her as his future.
Vanessa: Yeah, but in Canada, right?
Vanessa tells him that when she started this game she thought, “there’s no way he’ll notice me.”
Vanessa: Instead, you’ve noticed EVERY PART of me.
Vanessa: I know things are not going to be easy. I know I can be emotional and I can get crazy and I am slightly obnoxioius. I promise to vomit only in toilets going forward. I love to talk but I promise I’m ready to do a lot of listening.
Not being able to get a word in, Nick just gives up and gets down on one knee and she bends over and pukes in the ring box.
Hey, it’s better than in his mouth.
Vanessa: Let’s go do it, literally.
After The Final Rose:
I literally cannot even recap this show because it consisted of basically nothing, you guys, but here are the highlights:
Raven comes out looking smoking hot. #revenge
Raven: I’m happy you found your happy ending, but more than that I’m happy you finally gave me mine.
Raven: And I”m happy you weren’t rejected.
But here’s how Nick looks when she says this:
Harrison asks her if she thinks he’ll end up married, and Raven talks around the answer because she now knows he’s impossible.
Then Harrison extends an invite to join him in Mexico this summer on Bachelor In Paradise, and she accepts while I frantically google Bachelor in Paradise 2017 to set my DVR.
Vanessa comes out and takes over the interview while Nick sits next to her regretting everything, already looking dead inside.
He admits they’ve had challenges but at the end of the day they both love each other and are excited about the future.
They look it, don’t they?
Vanessa admits they’ve had knock down drag out fights but, once again, “at the end of they day” we love each other and want to make it work.
They take the next 20 minutes basically convincing us they’re okay despite their romantic fighting and admit they have a long way to go until they get married.
They’re so fucking doomed.
I give it two months.
This is waaay too much work for the start of a relationship.
Next there’s a historic bit where new Bachelorette Rachel — looking fierce, BTW — has to start her season NOW and actually meet a few of her suitors. It’s awkward and weird and uncomfortable and I’d tell you more about it but I’m can’t commit to watching Rachel’s season so I do not care.
She’s super cute and everything, but she’s also as boring as Nick so I think I’ve decided to take my Monday nights in May and June to read.
So that’s a wrap for me, ya’ll! Thanks for taking another ride with me! And don’t forget, YMFT is more than Bachelor recaps, so I hope you’ll stick around and follow along via email (so you don’t miss a post) or on social media. The links are right up there on the right!
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