Three hours of my life I can never get back.
I don’t know about you, but my self-respect has hit an all-time low after last night’s marathon of stupidity. And OH MY GOD I just realized we have to do it again next week.
Between the time wasted on Rachel’s date (because we all know how that turns out) to two full hours of watching girls bitch at and over each other, the three hours was basically our gift to the devil, and because of that I’m vowing to make this recap short today so we can all maybe take a few minutes to volunteer … or give blood … or perhaps memorize the bible.
So let’s jump right in. But grab a warm towel, things are gonna get icy.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
Just when I was scared (but secretly curious) to find out how Raven’s night turned out, a freakish March tornado preempted the first five minutes of the episode for us here in Minneapolis.
I was C-blocked by Global Warming, you guys.
But clearly Raven was not, because this morning I caught her victory tour on Hulu.
In case you don’t get it, Raven tells us Nick “is good at what he does” and that she’s “pretty satisfied today.”
And by you I mean her dad.
My notes start in the middle of Rachel’s date, and I’m not even going to go back and watch the first part of it on Hulu BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Basically, it goes like this:
Rachel is scared to be vulnerable.
Nick wants Rachel to be vulnerable.
Nick forces Rachel to be vulnerable.
Rachel becomes vulnerable.
Nick uses Rachel’s forced vulnerability (a.k.a. her admission of love) to his advantage so he doesn’t feel bad sleeping with her in the Fantasy Suite. #consent
Also, animal pelts are all the rage in Finland.
The next morning, Rachel sits glowing in a fleecy penguin onesie and watches Nick cook her breakfast but all he feeds her are lies. She tells us Nick is exactly who she’s supposed to be with.
Nick showers off Rachel and meets Vanessa, where he takes her on a date that ironically mirrors their relationship. After warming up in a sauna they have to plunge into icy water and run through the snow back to the sauna over and over again like five times.
It’s the worst date ever, and not just because they have to wear doofy snow hats with their swimsuits.
(BTW, I just made my own GIFs with a free app on my phone and was super impressed with myself until I realized they rewind. I promise to figure it out before next year.)
After a few times Vanessa starts to enjoy it.
Nick isn’t as excited. Probably because tiny Nick is now retracted completely up into his spleen and it’s a bit uncomfortable.
They finally get to straddle each other in a hot tub, where, despite the warm water, Nick immediately makes things icy.
Nick: You have big personalities in your family.
Vanessa immediately removes herself from Nick’s torso.
Nick: They’re very traditional.
Vanessa: What do you mean, “traditional”? In what way??
Nick: Uh, like, they have traditions that have been passed down.
Me: You really are an idiot, aren’t you?
Nick: My parents made their own.
Vanessa: How do you feel coming into a family that is traditional?
Nick: Well my first relationship was with someone whose family was, let’s just say “very present” and it totally blew. We had to do everything together.
Vanessa: I have core values and one I will not compromise on is spending three hours on Sundays with my family. I also love to overuse the term core values.
Nick: We are similar. And by similar I mean not at all because I not only do not want to spend three hours on Sundays with your family, I do not want to live in the same country as them.
Vanessa (to us): I’m so in love with this man.
Later that night Nick and Vanessa snuggle under some more animal pelts in another teepee and Vanessa wants to revisit the whole core values and compromising or not compromising thing.
Nick tells her he loves it that her family is traditional. He’s not, but he’s interested in it!
Vanessa: What is something you will not compromise on?
Nick: Morning sex. And living in Canada. I’m proud to be an American.
It’s okay, guys.
I’ll pause while you all sing it.
Go ahead. You know you want to.
Vanessa turns icy … again … and tells Nick she’s proud to be Canadian and then they sit there staring at each other, willing the other one to break.
Neither of them do.
The conversation turns to them both admitting they’re similar (i.e., stubborn) and Nick finally says something intelligent and tells Vanessa that he’s a little worried they’ll have “strong conversations” because they’re passionate people.
Let me read between the lines for you here, folks. He means once the cameras and mics are off they’ll rip each other’s heads off. #foresight
Vanessa tells Nick she only wants him to ask her to marry him if there’s no one else he can imagine being with. You know, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE WANTS in a proposal.
Then, just when the air is so cold even the fire can’t keep it warm, Vanessa tells Nick she loves him … with all the emotion and passion of a banker who’s counting out my 20s.
Nick tells us it’s amazing to hear but thinks his relationship with Vanessa has potential for disaster, basically.
Then he gives her the Fantasy Suite card, because disaster or not, she’s hot.
The next morning they’re still canoodling in bed tangled in the animal pelts and Vanessa tells us, “I know in my heart he’s it. My other half! He’s who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Wishes do come true!”
All 3 girls arrive to the rose ceremony confident.
Nick talks to them and is choked up and nervous because breaking up with someone you’ve just forced to be vulnerable so they will have sex with you IS VERY DIFFICULT, DAMMIT.
Raven looks nervous but gets the first rose.
Vanessa gets the second (obviously) and Nick takes the shocked Rachel to a pelt covered sofa where he stares at her uncomfortably and makes her speak first, because he’s classless. She tells him that although he pretty much forced her to put herself out there and face her vulnerability, had sex with him and now got completely blindsided and roasted, she’s glad she did.
Insert face palm GIF here because I don’t have the energy to do it myself anymore.
He tells her that he hopes it won’t be a goodbye forever and that she’s amazing, even though he obviously didn’t think the sex was that great. #norose
Then he walks her out to the rejection limo in the -10 degree temperature WITHOUT HER COAT, where once inside she slumps against the car window and, like any good reject, blames herself, while Nick crouches and sulks next to some HomeGoods lanterns.
I’m still betting Raven walks away with the final rose, but TBH I don’t really care.
The Women Tell All
I hated this show and all the girls so much I stopped taking notes and am not going to even give it any of my time today other than to say Corinne is actually kind of awesome, and that may or may not have everything to do with me not believing anyone ever, EVER has to defend themselves for taking naps.
Chris Harrison tells us that next week we’ll find out if Raven or Vanessa
loses wins OR if Nick will end up alone, which I’m starting to think may actually be a possible outcome of this whole mess.
It doesn’t matter though, because no matter who he ends up with — if anyone — his mission of continuing to haunt us with his presence has been achieved.
I’ve only got one thing to add.
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