I don’t like to toot my own horn (much) but when I was little I was quite the dancer. Hoofer, if you will. For years I danced in front of packed houses of cheering audiences as part of the cast of Annie, Oklahoma, Sound of Music, and my favorite dance show, A Chorus Line. The fact […]

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  • NinaN - I haven’t watched DWTS in a long time, but this post is just the best. The best! And Suzanne Somers?! I may just have to watch.

    I am surprised that you think Farm Boy will last 5 weeks. I can not see him being able to do much more than a side to side shuffle dance. Junior high style. And he won’t be able to make out with his partner every time he feels a little nervous/confused/happy/shy. I do love that they paired him with a Witney though. That’ll make it easier for him to keep the names straight anyways.

    Also, I love the copper dance shoes that so many of the ladies are wearing!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I think Chris has a lot of fans that are DWTS fans and will vote for him, no matter how much what his dancing ability is! BTW, you should go back to the post and read the part I had to add at the end. Bummer news. :(ReplyCancel

      • NinaN - Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????! Huh. Well they don’t know what they are missing!

        I guess monday nights will remain mine to work my through my Netflix to watch list.ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - I can’t wait for your recaps!!ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Is it just me or does Rumer Willis have big giant Vulcan ears? And I’m holding out hope that they will have YOU do the recaps next season when I predict Scott Baio will go ALL. THE. WAY.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh. My. God. You just gave me serious GOOSEBUMPS with that comment. WHY THE HELL HASN’T BAIO BEEN A DANCER YET?? He’d KILL on this show. Mark my words, if he’s ever a contestant, this girl will stop at nothing to somehow be involved.ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Will definitely miss your recaps – I’m almost never on board with the chosen celebrities before the show begins and always find some favorites within the first couple shows – Hopefully this year will be the same because if it isn’t, I just might not even watch! I thought Derek was sitting this season out? And Val? He sizzles no matter who he’s with. Poor Artem – gets another old lady and Mark? Are they punishing him for stepping out of the box with his routines? Enjoy your appletini knowing you don’t have a deadline to meet!ReplyCancel

  • Sue K. - Please recap for us. PLEASE! Please, please, please, pretty please?!?!?!? I mean I know we can’t pay you but your fans need your DWTS recaps. NEED them.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Aw, you are so kind to beg like that 😉 but here’s the deal — the blog has been verrry recap heavy since January with The Bachelor. I’d like to get it back to its old format for a bit. Since I write recaps much of the rest of the week for EW, I’ve missed writing other types of things for my blog — a lot. In other words, I’M RECAPPED OUT. 😉 Thanks for the nice note, though, and I hope you’ll still stick around! :)ReplyCancel

♫ The farmer gets a wife … the farmer gets a wife … heigh ho the derry-o, the farmer gets a wife! ♫   You guys, it’s official: Prince farming found his hoe. I’m not bragging or anything, but I kind of totally called it in week 3. I did. Here’s proof [which contains a spoiler if you […]

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  • Melinda Ann - I applaud you. When I heard the finale was going to be 3 HOURS LONG….I admit, I paused. Seriously, what can they say/do for 3 FREAKING HOURS? But they did. And you did. So bravo to you!!!

    Also, did you notice when Jimmy Kimmel came out and everyone was hugging, I swear I saw Chris take Jimmy’s hand and kiss it! Did you see that? It freaked me out. What the heck, man hand kisisng???? Why?

    Anyway, I think he made the right choice (you’re so relieved I said that, right???). She will make a darling farm wife and he will be happy with help shucking his corn, heh heh.

    And your gif’s were the bomb. I snorted at my desk.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your snark and recaps with the whole wide world and me.

    Melinda AnnReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thank you…thank you very much. *bowing*
      I agree that Whitney will make a cute farm wife. She certainly seems to be over the moon about the entire package deal. I’m just so, so happy she found a nice family to feel a part of again. You could tell that was missing in her life. Sad.
      Did not notice the hand kissing, but yeah, that’s odd. Maybe he was just so nervous. Or maybe that’s Iowa for hello.
      Thanks for being on this JOURNEY with me. 😉ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Another season over. I will miss these recaps and as God as my witness I will never watch the show. There’s no way on God’s green earth that the show will EVER be as good as your recaps.

    That being said, I can’t wait to see what you have in store for DWTS AND I also am really looking forward to Satisfaction!! When I read your Satisfaction recaps, THE WEATHER WILL BE WARM!!!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Whoa whoa whoa….let’s take one show at a time there sister. 😉
      As always, THANK YOU for reading this nonsense. And thanks for hopping aboard the DWTS train. I’ll need all the support I can get over there with this one. I have a feeling I might get skewered. 😛ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - Well that really wasn’t a surprise ending, was it? I also recall noticing that Chris seemed to suddenly become very smart/focused/articulate when he was questioning Becca on their last date. Weirdly so. And he didn’t resort to his usual tactic of “I don’t know what to say so I’ll just ram my tongue down her throat.” I also was starting to think that they were trying to set Becca up as the next Bachelorette and that’s what the huge shocker was going to be.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh my lord that would have been a monumental mistake. The virgin as The Bachelorette?!? Pretty sure openness to gettin’ busy is a requirement!
      She’s lovely, sweet, and has great self-respect, but I don’t think she’d say more than three words to any of her dates. Personality is lacking just a bit, don’t you think?
      Thanks for coming along on the journey. 😉 Appreciate you reading, liking, and commenting!! :)ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Everything you’ve said about Becca totally resonates with me. So she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know what it feels like – well, a clue would be if she truly wasn’t willing to say goodbye – the fact that she could, without very much emotion, told me she’s not in love with him but I totally respect her for her honesty. I was very surprised that Chris didn’t take BOTH of them for the last date in Arlington (since obviously there is not much budgeted this time around and all TPTB could think was “farm – farm – farm” – I’m from a family of farmers and trust me, they DO go to fun places!) She was probably picturing some little shack amidst all the farm bldgs and animals – his house is awesome and he shared with Whitney how many farms he owns alone and with family. For me it was a dead giveaway when that’s where he took Whitney – although I’ve thought, also, from the start, she was most likely “to succeed”. Arlington may be tiny but it’s only 21 miles from Manchester where there is a 39 bed hospital – as she said – nurses can find work anywhere – 21 miles in IA will take her all of about 15 minutes – all country driving and probably less time than to your major city—–! I’m always hopeful that there will be some more graduates of the show that can make it. But 2 bachelorettes? And that will work……how? And didn’t Britt look 100% better last night? I always loved Katelin and was thinking that maybe the “shock” of the After The Rose was that Chris rethought everything and wanted her instead! Will definitely be watching for your DWTS recaps – so far the cast doesn’t look awesome but I usually think that!ReplyCancel

  • Kayla Lechtenberger Bohlen - Bonus Points!!!! That’s so Raven! I too was fascinated by the large number of drills hanging on the wall of the barn. I’ve also never seen a second place “winner” so happy to excite stage left. You always crack me up. Can’t wait to see what you have to say about DWTS.ReplyCancel

  • OneFunnyMotha.com - I think your idea for the show’s winner is the best one I’ve ever heard for that show – who will live there & not try to escape. Loved you’re husband’s commentary.

    How long do you give them? It’s a little sad that he picked what looked like the best option.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - My husband has been my Bachelor-lovin’ sidekick since season 1, I don’t know if that’s a sign that we’re soul mates or just insane. 😛
      I actually think these two might just make it. She seems very gung ho to get on the farm and be part of a family. The only thing I can’t get past is that they seem to be very different – personality wise. BUT they both love a good glass of whisky, so there’s that.ReplyCancel

Chris Harrison is a liar. As much as I adore the man, it’s true. He told us this “Women Tell All” was going to be the most controversial “Women Tell All” ever. He probably threw in the word “compelling,” too. As someone who’s watched more than her fair share of these bitch-fests over the past […]

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  • NinaN - And no mention of Chris Harrison’s shameless book plug???ReplyCancel

  Three years ago today I randomly decided to start this blog. (And when I say “randomly” I mean completely out of the blue; like an hour before I did it had no plan to start a blog or really even knew what a blog was.)   It was, indeed, a spur of the moment […]

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  • Melinda Ann - And I am so glad.

    Your virtual friend, Melinda Ann in Lovely Lovely IdahoReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thank you! (And I agree, Idaho IS lovely!) xoReplyCancel

  • Peggy Fox Weaver - Congrats, Michelle! I have enjoyed reading your blog as much as you have enjoyed writing it. You are a fantastic writer and I’m so glad you found your voice again after so many years of silence!ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Happy Anniversary to you my friend. I drink a toast to you and hope that one day we will clink our glasses together in the same room!ReplyCancel

Ask my husband what one of his biggest fears is and you might be surprised at the answer. Falling off a building? Clowns? Gorillas who suddenly pound on the 3″ thick pane of glass at the zoo when your face is directly on the other side? (Fine, that last one is mine.) Nope. His biggest […]

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  • Jackie Owen - You are too funny!!!ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - The show looks really interesting, but not nearly as cute as those red panda. Oh LORD they’re adorable!!!ReplyCancel

*Credit for this episode’s title is given to my 13-year-old, who cracks herself up by saying it every episode. Have to hand it to her; it’s a good one, and I figured the Fantasy Suite date one was the appropriate place for it to land.  Before I begin, let me assure all of you concerned […]

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  • Melinda Ann - Thank you for taking time out from your heart attack/stroke to make me laugh. Since I am a Bachelor virgin, heh heh, I’m new to this whole fantasy suite thing. The whole process is just so weird!!! But, you know, my take on Becca is that she is being very cautious and careful with her heart and feelings. I respect that. And Chris is just an awkward farm boy…the amount of times I’ve seen the deer-in-the-headlight look on his face and heard him stammer around for the right words (any words)is just excrutiating. Oy vey. Anyway, I feel better now. And your daughter’s “every farmer needs a hoe”. HI LAR I OUS. Pretty soon you can pass her the duties of reviewing while you have your heart attack. Ha!
    Carry on, dear.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Yeah, I love Becca and love that she has self-respect and seems to be really in this for the right reasons (which is why it boggles my mind that she decided to come on this show), but I just don’t see any chemistry there. Maybe it’s because of the cameras, etc. or maybe they’re so serious because they DO have feelings for each other and it’s scary. She looks terrified all the time.
      As for Chris, I agree. This “player” persona isn’t him. I hope he leaves the spotlight — after his stint on “Dancing With The Stars” of course. Oy vey is right.ReplyCancel

      • Melinda Ann - Who, I say, who is running the farm while this farmer is running all over the country chasing fame? Just wonderin’ over here.ReplyCancel

  • Sue K. - First of all, SO glad you are okay! Phew! Second – “every farmer needs a hoe” — that apple did not fall far from the tree. 13yo rocks!! Third – the whole show had me like “YMFT will surely say something about the frizzy hair on these girls and Farmer’s perpetually wet arm pits.” He needs someone to get him a different deodorant or demand he keep the arms down. Ugh! Finally, best part of the show: when the monkey peed on him. Great combo of pit stains and monkey pee. Priceless.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thanks! I’ll pass along your compliment! Yeah, I had notes about the humidity totally wrecking Kaitlyn’s usual “I don’t give an eff” look of messy waves and taking them to a whole new level of mess, but in the interest of time left it out. Same w the monkey parts. Hilarious. I’d have been terrified, though!ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - So you didn’t like K and W’s shorts, but you were cool with Becca’s shiny black ones? What were they made of? Garbage bags???

    So happy you didn’t have a heart attack last night and were able to power through the most boring “fantasy date” episode that I have ever seen. And you made it sound way more interesting than it was.

    I’m assuming that Farm Boy sent Kaitlyn home this week because he knows he’s going to choose (ew) Whitney and it will be easier to give Becca the heave ho.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh, no, definitely was suspicious of those shiny shorts, which I have a strong suspicion were a romper. My daughter thought they (it?) was cute, though, so I didn’t comment. At least they looked breezy and didn’t make me want to scratch myself.
      I agree, SUCH a snoozefest Fantasy Suite date episode. What horrible people we are to want drama and not be happy for these well adjusted folks. 😛ReplyCancel

      • Nina - Oh man! I totally missed out on making that ” a heave HOE”ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - I will miss these recaps. Please try to remain healthy and heart-attack-free for the remainder of the season. Thanks.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Will do my best. And the week after this disaster is over I’ll start recapping DWTS on EW.com where I’m told I can be sassy and snarky, so you’ll just have to move your Tuesday morning reading over there!! :)ReplyCancel

      • Snarkfest - I will follow you anywhere!!! And I’ll bring friends with me. I’ve got lots of DWTS friends who would LOVE your sense of humor.ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Don’t think you’re a hypochondriac – you’re one smart momma – it’s better to get it checked out – happy it’s “only” a pinched nerve or something. Wish I was as witty as your other commenters – but have to say I totally agree with Melinda Ann with the exception of not having watched the show before! I like Becca and Chris – their more quiet stable relationship appeals to me after some of the other ditsy dates. Sort of like Whitney but can’t stand her voice – the scene on the boat where she talked and talked reminded me of the Jillian date! Disagree that she set the woman’s movement back – she can always go back to her career and still have a family. Also have read that they make a big deal out of Arlington but it’s only about 20 minutes to a nearby town where they DO have modern facilities like movies and fast food! I never heard her ask where the nearest hospital is, though! Chris literally gets tongue tied around the girls – probably why he’s still a bachelor from Iowa – but he was very clear and thoughtful when he and Chris Harrison talked about his decision. I will miss Katelyn – thought she was the best match of those left.ReplyCancel

  • Onefunnymotha - Pure awesomeness.ReplyCancel

  • Just Keepin' It Real Folks - Your recap is hilarious and spot on! I really hope everyone showered after the blinds were closed in the fantasy suite ’cause there was some serious sweat on all involved. Let’s face it, crotch sweat ain’t attractive no matter how much ya want some action! Poor Becca, I feel like she’s now walking around with a big V on her forehead.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Crotch sweat ain’t pleasing, you got that right. Apparently — according to Ali Fedotowsky, former contestant AND Bachelorette — not many of them actually DO IT in the Fantasy Suite. Hold on, I need to laugh for 85 hours. Listen, they may not be doing IT but most of those girls are showing off their talents, if you know what I mean. Ew. Now I feel like I need to go wash my hands and keyboard just for typing that thought, because let’s not forget, there’s a different girl every night. As for Becca, I do feel sorry for the big deal they’re making of it, but she’s totally adding fuel to that fire, and let’s not forget — SHE SIGNED UP FOR THIS. *shakes head*ReplyCancel

  • Misty Locke - This is my first time watching the Bachelor. Unbelievable! Which is why I googled something like “Bachelor not the sharpest tool wtf monkey pee” and found your recaps. I think you just put into words every thought that went through my head. Thank you!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Liz - The yeast infection line—hahahaha!ReplyCancel

Well, folks, another year is in the books and I’m as disappointed in myself as I am—once again—in parts of the show. (It’s okay, NPH won’t see this.) Why so hard on myself? Because it’s 11:00 p.m. and I’ve only had one measly glass of wine since sitting down to watch these never ending festivities […]

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  • Jackie Owen - Awesome….Channing Tatum!! Awkward…no George Clooney or Brangelina!!! What’s up with that?ReplyCancel

  • Nikki - You.Nailed.It!ReplyCancel

Three days until the Oscars! (Or is it The Academy Awards? Which do you call it?) And, most likely, three days until my annual disappointment. Many of you know how I love a good awards show, which means that The Academy Awards aren’t my favorite, which I say all the time but seem to completely […]

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  • NinaN - I rarely watch the show, but I love looking at the pretty and not so pretty dresses the next day. Your re-cap sounds far more amusing than that though!ReplyCancel

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