*Credit for this episode’s title is given to my 13-year-old, who cracks herself up by saying it every episode. Have to hand it to her; it’s a good one, and I figured the Fantasy Suite date one was the appropriate place for it to land.  Before I begin, let me assure all of you concerned […]

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  • Melinda Ann - Thank you for taking time out from your heart attack/stroke to make me laugh. Since I am a Bachelor virgin, heh heh, I’m new to this whole fantasy suite thing. The whole process is just so weird!!! But, you know, my take on Becca is that she is being very cautious and careful with her heart and feelings. I respect that. And Chris is just an awkward farm boy…the amount of times I’ve seen the deer-in-the-headlight look on his face and heard him stammer around for the right words (any words)is just excrutiating. Oy vey. Anyway, I feel better now. And your daughter’s “every farmer needs a hoe”. HI LAR I OUS. Pretty soon you can pass her the duties of reviewing while you have your heart attack. Ha!
    Carry on, dear.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Yeah, I love Becca and love that she has self-respect and seems to be really in this for the right reasons (which is why it boggles my mind that she decided to come on this show), but I just don’t see any chemistry there. Maybe it’s because of the cameras, etc. or maybe they’re so serious because they DO have feelings for each other and it’s scary. She looks terrified all the time.
      As for Chris, I agree. This “player” persona isn’t him. I hope he leaves the spotlight — after his stint on “Dancing With The Stars” of course. Oy vey is right.ReplyCancel

      • Melinda Ann - Who, I say, who is running the farm while this farmer is running all over the country chasing fame? Just wonderin’ over here.ReplyCancel

  • Sue K. - First of all, SO glad you are okay! Phew! Second – “every farmer needs a hoe” — that apple did not fall far from the tree. 13yo rocks!! Third – the whole show had me like “YMFT will surely say something about the frizzy hair on these girls and Farmer’s perpetually wet arm pits.” He needs someone to get him a different deodorant or demand he keep the arms down. Ugh! Finally, best part of the show: when the monkey peed on him. Great combo of pit stains and monkey pee. Priceless.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thanks! I’ll pass along your compliment! Yeah, I had notes about the humidity totally wrecking Kaitlyn’s usual “I don’t give an eff” look of messy waves and taking them to a whole new level of mess, but in the interest of time left it out. Same w the monkey parts. Hilarious. I’d have been terrified, though!ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - So you didn’t like K and W’s shorts, but you were cool with Becca’s shiny black ones? What were they made of? Garbage bags???

    So happy you didn’t have a heart attack last night and were able to power through the most boring “fantasy date” episode that I have ever seen. And you made it sound way more interesting than it was.

    I’m assuming that Farm Boy sent Kaitlyn home this week because he knows he’s going to choose (ew) Whitney and it will be easier to give Becca the heave ho.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh, no, definitely was suspicious of those shiny shorts, which I have a strong suspicion were a romper. My daughter thought they (it?) was cute, though, so I didn’t comment. At least they looked breezy and didn’t make me want to scratch myself.
      I agree, SUCH a snoozefest Fantasy Suite date episode. What horrible people we are to want drama and not be happy for these well adjusted folks. 😛ReplyCancel

      • Nina - Oh man! I totally missed out on making that ” a heave HOE”ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - I will miss these recaps. Please try to remain healthy and heart-attack-free for the remainder of the season. Thanks.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Will do my best. And the week after this disaster is over I’ll start recapping DWTS on EW.com where I’m told I can be sassy and snarky, so you’ll just have to move your Tuesday morning reading over there!! :)ReplyCancel

      • Snarkfest - I will follow you anywhere!!! And I’ll bring friends with me. I’ve got lots of DWTS friends who would LOVE your sense of humor.ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Don’t think you’re a hypochondriac – you’re one smart momma – it’s better to get it checked out – happy it’s “only” a pinched nerve or something. Wish I was as witty as your other commenters – but have to say I totally agree with Melinda Ann with the exception of not having watched the show before! I like Becca and Chris – their more quiet stable relationship appeals to me after some of the other ditsy dates. Sort of like Whitney but can’t stand her voice – the scene on the boat where she talked and talked reminded me of the Jillian date! Disagree that she set the woman’s movement back – she can always go back to her career and still have a family. Also have read that they make a big deal out of Arlington but it’s only about 20 minutes to a nearby town where they DO have modern facilities like movies and fast food! I never heard her ask where the nearest hospital is, though! Chris literally gets tongue tied around the girls – probably why he’s still a bachelor from Iowa – but he was very clear and thoughtful when he and Chris Harrison talked about his decision. I will miss Katelyn – thought she was the best match of those left.ReplyCancel

  • Onefunnymotha - Pure awesomeness.ReplyCancel

  • Just Keepin' It Real Folks - Your recap is hilarious and spot on! I really hope everyone showered after the blinds were closed in the fantasy suite ’cause there was some serious sweat on all involved. Let’s face it, crotch sweat ain’t attractive no matter how much ya want some action! Poor Becca, I feel like she’s now walking around with a big V on her forehead.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Crotch sweat ain’t pleasing, you got that right. Apparently — according to Ali Fedotowsky, former contestant AND Bachelorette — not many of them actually DO IT in the Fantasy Suite. Hold on, I need to laugh for 85 hours. Listen, they may not be doing IT but most of those girls are showing off their talents, if you know what I mean. Ew. Now I feel like I need to go wash my hands and keyboard just for typing that thought, because let’s not forget, there’s a different girl every night. As for Becca, I do feel sorry for the big deal they’re making of it, but she’s totally adding fuel to that fire, and let’s not forget — SHE SIGNED UP FOR THIS. *shakes head*ReplyCancel

  • Misty Locke - This is my first time watching the Bachelor. Unbelievable! Which is why I googled something like “Bachelor not the sharpest tool wtf monkey pee” and found your recaps. I think you just put into words every thought that went through my head. Thank you!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Liz - The yeast infection line—hahahaha!ReplyCancel

Well, folks, another year is in the books and I’m as disappointed in myself as I am—once again—in parts of the show. (It’s okay, NPH won’t see this.) Why so hard on myself? Because it’s 11:00 p.m. and I’ve only had one measly glass of wine since sitting down to watch these never ending festivities […]

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  • Jackie Owen - Awesome….Channing Tatum!! Awkward…no George Clooney or Brangelina!!! What’s up with that?ReplyCancel

  • Nikki - You.Nailed.It!ReplyCancel

Three days until the Oscars! (Or is it The Academy Awards? Which do you call it?) And, most likely, three days until my annual disappointment. Many of you know how I love a good awards show, which means that The Academy Awards aren’t my favorite, which I say all the time but seem to completely […]

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  • NinaN - I rarely watch the show, but I love looking at the pretty and not so pretty dresses the next day. Your re-cap sounds far more amusing than that though!ReplyCancel

  Are you reading this, Chris Harrison? Good. Because I’m about to say something that I don’t say very often. Something that I’m quite sure I haven’t said at all in the past six or seven years — You were right. This episode may very well have been one of the most compelling in Bachelor history. […]

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  • Melinda Ann - Since this is the first season of The Bachelor I’ve ever really watched, I think I might be getting a skewed version. I mean, seriously, is this for real? Is this representative of previous Bachelor’s? OH MY GOODNESS. I’m dying over here. Bwaaaaahaaaahaaaaa!!!!

    Carry on.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh, it’s been like this since the beginning, 13 long years ago. It’s beyond ridiculous. I’m glad you’re watching so you know that while I can and do make *some* of this up, there’s no way I can make up most of it. I have to hand it to the ABC editors who are obviously in on the ridiculousness of it — the music they choose for the background and the way the edit and set certain scenes up is brilliant. The most insane part is that people still sign up and set themselves up for it year after year. That’s what confuses me about sweet Becca.ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - I don’t even know what to say about last night’s show. It sure was something. What was up with Becca’s family???!

    Do you think Britt is angling to be the next Bachelorette?

    (Hopefully this isn’t a double post; site crashed the first time I tried to post!)ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I think Becca’s family is just protecting her, but they kind of overdid it with the “never touched a boy!” thing. I’m betting he’ll be very supportive about her BIG SECRET and will be very respectful, but he has a point about needing to feel confident that the woman he picks (ugh) is falling for him as much as he is falling for her. That doesn’t mean that I think they have to get busy in the Fantasy Suite — in fact I think it’s disgusting that most of them do — but I think he’ll need more from her (emotionally) if he’s going to give her the final rose.
      I don’t think Britt will be the next Bachelorette. She’s way too polarizing. I bet it will be Kaitlyn if he doesn’t end up with her. Or Jade?ReplyCancel

      • Nina - I agree! I think Britt had a good chance until the last few episodes where she kinda de-railed. I just can’t see Kaitlyn (and I’m so bummed they weren’t in Vancouver for that home town!) as the Bachelorette. Jade’s story could sure be played up for it but they may want to distance themselves from it too.

        As for Becca, being a virgin is one thing (and something that Chris may be just fine with) but if I were him I’d be more scared by her seeming lack of any human relationship/contact. Maybe she’s really a robot and her family was trying to warn him?ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Hope I didn’t offend you by my comments about Chris being a “farm boy” and not polished. Totally get what you responded about him knowing what he was getting into but have to say I’m not really sure he understood exactly what – his face sometimes is so downright clueless I can almost see the wheels going around in his head “omg – how do I respond to THAT!” I think ABC knows that this year’s bachelor is just not “with it” and that’s why they have not sprung for the awesome distant locations as in the past. I mean – come on – “we’re going to Iowa” – girls leaping in the air all excited! He let my personal fav go last night (Carly) – where is Whitney going to “make babies” – in DesMoines? 2 hours to work and 2 back – oh, well, she wouldn’t have to spend much time on the farm. Becca is probably his best choice although Katlin is my second fav – I think she could spice things up around Arlington! I DO love your recaps and can’t wait for them to post and “google liked” them with comment. I was in a bit of a pissy mood when I penned the other – because I really do think Chris is one of the “good guys” who got talked into being the bachelor – I mean who else would they have picked – he was the obvious choice and I think the length of time it took to announce was because he wasn’t sure.ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Dude ABC totally needs to hire you to write for the show. It would be so much more entertaining! I literally cracked up several times reading this week’s recap. Thanks for starting my day off with smiles!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Not too sure ABC would be thrilled with me for all the jabs I give them, but thanks for the nice thought! :)ReplyCancel

  • Sue K. - As usual you NAILED it!!! I do watch the ridiculousness but look forward to your recaps which are so much better than the show. Every season is the same but for some reason I’ve been doing way more eye rolling this time around. Britt has caused me near retinal detachments.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - BAhaha! Saw her on Kimmel the other night — she’s really hoping to be The Bachelorette. Just a warning for your poor eyes!ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - It really was the most shocking episode ever…kept waiting for him to go out to Brit and bring her back! Love your recaps as always!!ReplyCancel

  • Denise Raymond - Thank you thank you thank you for the delightful distraction from my workday. I am still snickering over your on target comments!ReplyCancel

If you show them Arlington. Get your mind out of the gutter. Never mind. It still sounds dirty. Heh heh. Let’s skip “Chris Tells All” and cut to the good stuff, shall we? Because let’s be honest, he’s a dipshit and none of us really care what he has to say. (Plus, I didn’t even […]

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  • NinaN - I am so glad you reviewed this! I was flipping back and forth between Bachelor and the SNL special and seemed to keep missing the best parts of both of them. I did catch some of the “Chris tells all” show, but it seemed pretty lame. And I changed channels as soon as Andi came on and started crying.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - That’s why I missed “Chris Tells All” — I was watching the first hour of SNL, which, I hear, was really the only good hour. I do have it DVRd so maybe I’ll catch it later in the week. BAhahahaha…..ReplyCancel

  • Melinda Ann - Yes. I agree with it all. Carly is brilliant. I would totally be Carly if I ever went on this show which is a hilarious joke because who wants to see a 50 something woman on the Bachelor???? Keep up the good work….and I may have to join you under the sofa during tonight’s episode…ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - She’s adorable. I really liked her. And hey, I think a 50-something Bachelor would actually be kind of awesome. 😉ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - I absolutely “usually” love your blog – but I have to say – give Chris a break! This guy is an Iowan – not a New Yorker – not a San Franciscan – he’s not a “worldly guy”. I’m sure whiskey plays a part – but whiskey aside – he’s not good with words – you can see him struggle – this is not what guys from middle American (Iowa) excel at. He’s just a “real” guy – and even though I love your blog, I’m getting kinda tired of you not recognizing that fact. Where do you live? Are guys there all savvy and wordy and able to express their feelings to this or that girl on the spot? Guys that live in central Iowa – on a farm – are farm boys! That all said – there is no way that Britt or Jade will be happy there. But I can see Carly or Becca or even Kaitlyn making a life for themselves. I think it’s a “fur piece” for Whitney to go to DesMoines to a clinic but not impossible). Anyway…..keep it up – I love it!ReplyCancel

Today there’s only one Friday Favorite, but I promise you won’t complain. Please stop trying to lick your computer screen, it won’t work. (I know. I’ve tried.) Last weekend I was flipping through the latest issue of People, and came across this, which showcased three things that I find fabulous: Lisa Vanderpump, raspberries, and MARTINIS. […]

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  • Kirsten Maxwell - You’re right. It doesn’t help to lick the screen. So now I’m sending hubby to the store to get the ingredients!ReplyCancel

I have to begin this recap with a confession: I never watched last week’s episode. I know. It’s shameful and shocking. And I fully intended to, I did. But the week just seemed to get away from me. And by “the week seemed to get away from me” I mean after hearing all about it, I […]

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  • Melinda Ann - OHMYGOODNESS thank you. I needed that. The prose verses about the country music composing was FUNNNNNEEEE. Yup, nailed it. And the college guys comments were equally FUNNNNNEEE….maybe even more funny. Oh my. So glad you are back!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - I had my daughter let them know you liked their input. Unfortunately, she told me they will not give up Sunday sports to watch this week. Um, hello? I think they have some seriously messed up priorites. 😉 Thanks for the nice comment!ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - THANK YOU!!!! You are a self sacrificing saint and we love you for it!

    Especially since my tv went on strike last night and wouldn’t let me hear cable tv so I had to go on Netflix and continue binge-watching Supernatural. Hubby got home in time to fix it, but Chris was about to take the stage and start singing and I just couldn’t do that to myself. Or the tv. I was afraid it would throw itself off the wall.

    But your re-cap is making me wish I had gone for an extended bathroom break during that part and come back for the Kelsey/Virgin show down!

    Also, I’d love it if you shared your daughter’s re-cap for last week!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - OMG that is a serious state of EMERGENCY, but you were smart to shut it down before the singing. It was painful. I’ll have to check with her about posting the recap. Not sure she’s ready for the throngs of attention she’d suddenly get.
      (BAhahahaha)ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - Tarantula eyelashes…I know…WTF?ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Apparently, they’re eyelash EXTENSIONS so she can’t even take them off! How does she sleep?!?ReplyCancel

  • Jes - Thank you for keeping your updates!! I am a fellow Minnesotan and, with this weather, your blogs all I have to keep my spirits up! Keep the wit coming!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Good gawd, we need something to do to distract us from the bitterness that threatens to eat away at our souls in February, don’t we? Happy to provide some warmth!! Thanks for the comment! :)ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Thank you, once again, for saving me the trouble of watching this train wreck. I’ve said it before and yes, I’m saying it again. There’s no way the show could be NEARLY as entertaining as your recaps. Seriously.

    By the way, on a completely UNRELATED note, as a kid, mom always called private parts your ‘princess’. Sorry for the TMI.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - You are welcome. Calling the hoo-ha “your princess” has always been a big joke around here. Never fails to make me chuckle. As does “hoo-ha.”ReplyCancel

  • Kids Are A Trip - Hit the nail on the head with this one. Dopplegangers, yep. Cray, cray? Got that too. And the Badlands as a romantic destination? Seriously the person that organized that trip needs to be fired! Loved reading this as always. Keeps me laughing.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Right?? I mean, now I’m gonna have to spend time making a “Places I sure as HELL don’t want to go because of The Bachelor” board on Pinterest. Thanks for reading…and for the comment!! :)ReplyCancel

  • Stacey Gill - That.Was.AWESOME! I don’t even watch The Bachelor. But now I don’t have to b/c this was even better. My favorite (or one of them): “It’s the most vocal I’ve heard him in weeks.” Also, very nice handy work with the pictures. You did a great job.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thank you for enjoying the pictures. I’m considering going into the doppleganger photo industry. 😉ReplyCancel

Cue the trumpets, ready the confetti, and pour mama a gigantic Appletini — I’ve come to the decision that The Bachelor recaps will live on. In related news, I’m the biggest pushover in the entire world, and a big softie when it comes to the heartfelt and wonderfully kind appeals of all of you, my invisible […]

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  • Melinda Ann - Day = Made.
    I bow down to you in thanksgiving.
    There some crazy biotches in this show and you are just the one to highlight it all!!!!

    Oh yay.
    Seriously so happy. Now I have a reason to come to work tomorrow.

    Youre my friend (say it in a creepy voice),

    MelindaReplyCancel

    • Sue K. - Oh yes! I agree with Melinda Ann 1,000 percent!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Nina Palmer Nuernberger - Yaaaaaaay!!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - Awesome!!!ReplyCancel

  • Jennie Thomas - Woohoo! Yes! Your recaps are the reason I started reading your blog. Juan-uary was fantastic.ReplyCancel

  • Leanna - YES!!!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Sue Hillmer Kirtz - Your recaps rock SO hard!!!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - So do YOU for saying that! Thanks, friend!! :)ReplyCancel

I know what you may be thinking: She’s really going to tell us about her colonoscopy? Is there nothing sacred to that woman? Ha. While I don’t normally make it a habit to tell you about my … uh … habits (bathroom habits in case you needed that made clear), I have no problem opening […]

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  • Melinda Ann - My colon quivered just a little bit as I relived my procedure…glad it came out okay. Pun intended. Now please please oh pretty please write up your priceless review of the bachelor…..I neeeeeeed you!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Nice pun. 😉 After hearing all about last week’s show (still haven’t watched) and how it ended, I don’t see how I can stay away! The Bachelor recaps will live on! (Until the end of this season, at least.) Thank you for reading them! :)ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - “Propofol is my ass’s new best friend.”

    Cracking up. Glad your colon is clean as a whistle!!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - It’s good to have a clean colon, I always say. Makes me feel fancy.ReplyCancel

  • NinaN - I could handle it all except for the no coffee part. That doesn’t seem safe for anyone. What about tea?? Can you drink tea??

    Congrats to you on your colon’s clean bill of health!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - That was rough, and I drink decaf! Don’t ask me to explain that. Yes, I did have a cup of tea, which I do not care for. But when it’s 10 degrees outside something warm is a necessity. Thanks for the congrats! I’m feeling lighter. 😉ReplyCancel

  • Karen Sanderson Barwick - Yes, please get your colonoscopy . My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in July . Since the he has had 6 weeks of radiation along with chemotherapy 24/7. Then he had surgery and a tempory colostomy bag. Now he is going thru extreme chemo, 3 days every 2 weeks for 8 sessions, and then surgery to put him back together again. (Doing our 6th session next week.). AND he is lucky. Cancer had not spread and they got it all!! PLEASE take care of yourselves!!ReplyCancel

  • Jennie Thomas - Perfect! Its not nearly as bad as it seems.
    I take the prep day off work, clean my bathroom so it is pleasant to be in, watch a lot of Netflix, drink a lot of clear fluids and send the husband out with friends for the evening until the worst of the prep is over. I turn 33 this summer and will be having my 3rd colonoscopy this fall.
    My grandfather died of colon cancer in his 50s. My dad was diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer during his 1st colonoscopy at age 43 (he is officially cured, but an avid colonoscopy advocate).
    I have had 2 polyps removed, one of them pre-cancerous, during my second colonoscopy 15 months ago.
    Netflix, fluffy Charmin toilet paper and a clean bathroom are all you need for an enjoyable colonoscopy prep.ReplyCancel

  • Anna - I got my colonoscopy when I was 19….on the day Colin Powell stepped down as Secretary of State. Yes, let’s all take a moment to remember how to pronounce his name. There were A LOT of jokes being made in the room before I conked out.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - That is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.ReplyCancel

  • Melanie Schmitt Barwick - I’m up again next year; however, I enjoyed watching the TV in front of me and how pristine my colon was 😀 (yes, polyps were clipped, too)… **we’re awaiting them to schedule D — either before ALC or when he returns. good post, sistah! xoReplyCancel

  • Amy B - Hilarious! Like laugh out loud funny. Thank you!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - You are sweet to take the time to say that! Thank you!!ReplyCancel

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