Our family loves “Modern Family”.  It’s fun to have a prime time show we can all watch together that isn’t a singing competition.

Thing 2 especially loves it, I think, because it’s the only non-Disney or Nickelodeon or singing show she’s allowed to watch.

There’s been a few episodes in the past 2 years that have come dangerously close to opening up a can of worms I wasn’t really ready to open with her (remember when the kids walked in on Phil and Claire? Or when Phil found out Haley wasn’t a virgin?), but thankfully it’s either gone over her head or she pretended it did (because she, too, wasn’t ready to get into the worms).

Until last week.

*Before you read this I should give you a small disclaimer of sorts and should probably tell you that our family is most definitely not the “be careful what you say there are children in the room” type of family. We’ve let way too many inappropriate jokes and comments fly out of our mouths over the years, waaay before our kids were old enough to understand what we were saying.  Whatever. They’re funny and well-adjusted kids. I think.
Additionally, we’ve always been the parents who’ve told our kids, “If you’re curious about something or have a question, ask. There’s nothing you can say that will embarrass us.” 
And believe me, they have.  

Carry on…

Since Husband was working late and Thing 1 was doing her never-ending homework, it was just me and my 11 year old little buddy snuggled down on the couch, ready for some good “Modern Family” laughs and a little bonding.

30 seconds into the show, Phil discovered a box of condoms in Haley’s bag, and let me tell you, we bonded.


After about 5 seconds (which seemed like 5 minutes) of debating with myself whether or not to pretend I also had no clue what they were talking about, I had to acknowledge the fact that she’s in middle school now and probably hearing things a whole hell of a lot worse than what I was about to tell her (but I do not want to think about that).  And so I decided to use ‘Modern Family’ as a springboard to dive into a long and probably way too involved discussion (my poor, poor little girl) that started innocently enough with, “Do you know what condoms are?” but somehow branched out into –

*a brush up course on how babies are made (we had to disclose that a few years ago when she was playing barbies and one was pregnant and she asked Thing 1 how the barbie got pregnant and Thing 1 called us in a hysterical panic).

*discussing how sex isn’t really just something people do when they want to make a baby  but something 2 people who love each other very much and are totally committed to each other decide to do (“EW!!…..grooooossssss!!!”...but then looking at me like I was a total idiot for thinking she didn’t already know that).

*discussing how while IT IS THE SMART CHOICE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED to have sex, many, many people do not which is a terrible choice because the boy who told the girl he loved her so she would have sex with him will most likely dump her and break her heart because he told her he loved her and she will cry for 6 weeks and eat 17 boxes of Ding-Dongs.

*how you aren’t mature enough as a teenager to make such a big and important and potentially life-changing decision and how there is a legal age for voting and drinking and gambling for that very reason but somehow they can’t enforce sexual activity but they totally should (and then I paused to make a note to myself to write a letter to my congressman…and to pour another glass of wine).

*how many 100% of the people who make that choice will end up with a terrible and tragic disease that causes warts on their vaginas which they will then have to explain to their future husband (and which will probably make him run for the hills) or will end up with a baby that their parents WILL NOT RAISE and will prevent them from finishing college and traveling to Europe with their friends and living it up in their 20’s.

*what ‘birth control’ is and how it is not effective.  EVER. (see above)

*how sex seems gross and icky and unimaginable right now but one day as she gets older and matures it won’t and that there will be people in her very own school (hopefully not for a few years) that will be making the choice to have sex.

I was on a roll, I tell ya.

And then I said, “…but those aren’t the nice girls.  Those are the skanky girls.  Girls like that are….”

and she immediately chimes in with


Uh, okay. I think she’s got a handle on it.


  1. Mrs. Newlywed Giggles on October 16, 2012 at 1:13 am


  2. Kari on October 16, 2012 at 1:51 am

    Nice work! Hooray for Modern Family to help you out… 🙂

  3. jeanne cummings on October 16, 2012 at 2:06 am

    Holymoly AND OMIGOD!!!…WELL done…(from your Morher!!)

  4. Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous on October 16, 2012 at 2:46 am

    Well played! There’s one teen pregnancy bullet dodged!

  5. Jen on October 16, 2012 at 2:48 am

    I think if my mom had done half as good a job having this discussion with me back in the day I would have had far fewer memories from my college years that I was forced to suppress…nice work!

  6. Jersey Housewife on October 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I’m laughing out loud at her interjection of “hookers” as you were searching for the right word. I’m not looking forward to this discussion but I think I’ll take notes on how you handled it.

  7. kyna... on October 16, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Oh boy…these are the conversations I am going to dread…as important as they are (and they will happen). I just hope Ellie stays 3 forever! lol!
    ♥ Kyna

  8. Kelly B. on October 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    HOOKERS! hahahaha. oh gosh. I’m bookmarking this to have the chat when I’m a parent.

  9. this hive. on October 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHA stop it!! she did not say that! omg – that is sooooooo hilarious. so awkward yet soooo awesome. i just love you guys.

  10. Meghan on October 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I love this! That’s kind of like my Mom telling my 17 year old sister that if she were to go missing the cops would probably just assume she ran away to be a prostitute instead of actually ya know get kidnapped. We busted out laughing. My mom is totally Mom of the Year material!

  11. Condom Suppliers on November 17, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Sex education at its best. Thank you for sharing and two thumbs up for a job well done.

  12. Bethany Mitchell on November 21, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I too, had this uncomfortable conversation with my daughter=/ while driving….an hour way…too counseling. I bet she had loads to tell her counselor=)

  13. Darcy Perdu on July 8, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    Hilarious! You should teach a Sex Ed course, woman!

    • Michelle on August 22, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      Thanks…but NO THANKS!! haha.

  14. AJ Collins on August 22, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    The whole sex convo makes me twitch. My son is 10 and I am aware that he knows more than he is letting on (we’ve had a “talk” already)… but is also super innocent, and I am REALLY okay with that. But as a 5th grader he had a friend that is also a girl over and I had to say no closed doors in his bedroom. To which he said (all offended), “But Adam and I close the door!”… makes me twitch. lol! This post reminds me of this scene in the movie Mean Girls… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBBhK9waWSc HAHAHA!

    • Michelle on August 22, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      Love that movie! And you’re right!
      Good luck with your 10yo. I kind of wish I had a boy so my husband could take over more of the sex ed. than he does!

  15. Darcy Perdu on September 11, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Love that she contributed HOOKERS to the convo! So funny!

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