~Des, our fair heroine (who obviously missed the word “multiply” on her third grade vocab test) introducing us to her upcoming season.
Standing on top of a mountain above the clouds!
Walking on a tropical beach!
Riding out on the plank of a yacht with a group of hot guys!
Kissing boys in charming foreign villages!
Dancing on rooftops!
Hiking up to the HOLLYWOOD sign in a ball gown!
Yeah, that one looks like it sucked.
ABC – Making Dreams Happen for those who sell them their soul.
I’ve gotta be honest.
As much of a Bachelor franchise fan as you KNOW I am, I wasn’t sure I was going to be recapping Des’ journey.
Historically, “The Bachelorette” doesn’t do it for me like “The Bachelor” does.
Before you read too much into that, it’s the crying that tips the scale.
Since I watch the show not to watch two people (+ about 20 others) “find love” but mainly for the sheer fantastical entertainment value (i.e. – the crying, fighting, plotting, etc.) I’ve found that a group of 25 girls delivers that much, much better.
Until the first five minutes of watching Des cry every time she opened her mouth.
I’ve got a cryer.
I’m good to go.
Des’s new best buddy, CHair (That’s what I’m calling Harrison this season) is waiting for her as she pulls up to the new Bachelorette Pad in her crappy Ford Taurus that I swear the producers have loosened a few bolts on. Seriously, they cut the background music as she pulled up so we could better hear the clunking, successfully foreshadowing the sweet ride they were going to gift her with.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let’s go back to “..the NEW Bachelorette Pad.”
I’m not a fan.
Looks like the barren home of a crazy cult leader.
But thankfully — thankfully — it’s set up with a drafting table, dress form, sketch pads and buckets of freshly sharpened pencils for Des to do a little work between all the dating and globe-trotting.
Wouldn’t want her to fall behind.
Des fills us in on her simple childhood.
Eyes welling up, she tells us that despite living in an apartment where her brother’s room was the living room (Ah Ha! That explains it!), her parents showered them with love and she was always happy (despite that crazy brother).
Cue adorable childhood photos.
PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE
Holy L. Ron Hubbard! It’s Suri Cruise!
I’ve always thought Des was a dead ringer for Katie Holmes, but this proves it.
Tom Cruise impregnated Des’s mother back in 1986.
Then CHair hands Des the key we all knew was coming.
But oh my Sweet Baby Blue Bentley, I did not forsee that. Nicely done, Fleiss.
Again, ABC showing us the price of soul-selling.
And now comes the part of the show where we get to know Des!
In a scene straight out of Boogie Nights (and I dare say one of the most ridiculous B-rolls in the entire 11 year history of The Bachelor), we get to watch the fair Des rollerskating on the pier in tube socks, cutoffs and blue bikini top showing us her playful side by trying on silly hats and glasses!
What else can Des do?
Glad you asked!
Des can sketch palm trees!
Des can walk pensively on the beach!
Des can playfully slide down a rock in a playground!
Des can feed seagulls!
And scare them!
Des can do the Beyonce “ring on it” move!
And now it’s time for Des to sit down for a heart-to-heart with CHair, looking particularly girl-next-doorish (as opposed to the about to be girl-next-whorish) in a plain green tank top, jeans and natural hair and makeup. The only thing that tells me someone else dressed her is her chunky stripey platforms.
But make no mistake about it! THIS GIRL IS READY FOR LOVE. She’s ready to kiss. Ready to open her heart.
Just imagining it makes her well up.
Aaannd she’s crying. Again.
I feel a drinking game coming on, you guys!
Nah, better not. That could get as ugly as former Bachelor Ben real, real fast.
Let’s just start a Cry Count, shall we?
I believe we’re at 4. And we’re all of 10 minutes in.
And now, enough of Des, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for — Let’s meet some of our bachelors!
(Recapper’s note: Things were moving fast. I just took brief notes from here on out. I’m sorry You’re welcome.)
Nice bangs, Bryden from Missoula. Thanks for your service, though. Now get a decent haircut.
Will, the high fiving “black” dude from Chicago who loves Bikram yoga. No interest.
Heellllo, Drew with family issues from Scottsdale. You look like you could be fun.
Nick is a tailor and a magician? AbracaLOSER.
Zak the cliff diver from nowhere, TX with the cool hair. You had me at “drinks coffee in the nude”…you lost me with your crappy Branch Davidian house.
Robert spins signs, surfs and skateboards. He has a one eyed dog and also likes to high five. I’m already irritated.
Mike, Mike, dental student Mike. YOU LOST THE FAMILY BRITISH ACCENT?? And you wonder why you’re single??
“Adreneline Junkie” Brandon with Daddy issues and an addictive mom. He’s gonna totally add to the crying tally. I LOVE HIM.
And now, it’s finally time to get this journey of love started.
Here’s our fair Bachelorette looking silver and sparkly and gorgeous, despite the wilting hair (damn steam from freshly watered down driveway!) and too long dress (that’ll come back to haunt her).
Limo arrivals that left a lasting impression (on me, not Des. Duh.):
Drew with family issues is first. Nervous and real, although I also suspect he might be gay. Gut instinct. I’m not kidding. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Bryden. Dude. Your hair is still stupid.
Kasey works in social media and hashtags his introduction. And it’s lame. Go home, #idiot.
Jonathan crashes and burns with the fantasy card and key. WHAT KIND OF A GIRL DO YOU THINK SHE IS, JONATHAN?? (And do NOT let the fact that she’s “The Bachelorette” and about to have 15 boyfriends fool you.)
Zak the nude coffee drinker shows up shirtless and asks, “Will you accept these abs?” The look on all the other guys’ faces earns him a rose in my book (and his abs have nothing to do with that). Smooth moves, Zak. But your house is still ugly.
Helllo Juan Pablo! Gives her a language lesson – “It’s like ‘Whho. WHHan. ‘Whan Pablo'”.
“Are you for scuba?” (- Claude, “What About Polly” – It’s all I was thinking.)
What up Minneapolis!! Holla! Arriving on a motorcycle, though? You just lost a million originality points. Lindsay already covered that one with the horse. Now I might hate you. I haven’t decided yet. Plus, I’ve already forgotten your name.
Micah shows up looking like a carnie in a suit he DESigned to be funny and cute. Not feelin’ it.
Wishbones, suits of armor, poorly written poems, dance moves that make her trip, magic tricks….and then, then they use the puppy to pick up the chick.
Ben brings his little suited up son, Brody, bearing a daffodil.
And then cute-and-already-my-favorite Ben picks the adorable little guy up and says something about how he’s his best buddy and partner in crime and how he needs her to know who he’s talking about when he talks about ‘Brody’ because he’ll talk about him often and probably a lot of other stuff I didn’t hear because I was already planning their wedding with Brody as the ring bearer in my head.
Too bad the only things Des was hearing in her head were “Holy Crap YOU HAVE A KID?” and “I guess I’ll have to keep you around for a few weeks now so I don’t look like a bitch.”
° Appears Kasey is going to continue talking in hashtags. #douchebag #getridofhim
° Zak apparently IS going to remain shirtless. #ImOkayWithThat #WhyThisShowIsFaboulous
° Family Issues Drew pulls out his mom’s sober coin and tells Des it told him to be there and that she needs to give it back to his mom on the hometown date. Heavy, but we have a horse, people! We have a horse!
° Daddy Ben makes the family connection (they both like to camp!) and nabs the first rose!! #KnewIt #SuitUpBrody
°The boys are starting to play, “Notice me!” — and shirtless and playful Zak strips down to his Calvins and cannonballs into the pool while the crowd watches!
Des: “Everybody in!….haha…Kidding!”
Everybody leaves Zak in the pool — alone.
Zak, seriously confused: “Where’s everybody going? Isn’t everybody coming in? Don’t you all want to follow these abs? Don’t you all want to swim with these abs?”
In an obvious show of sympathy and pity, Des pins a rose on his pocket as she walks by on her way to give another dude a rose. Score.
°Juan Pablo works his way into Des’s soul (pants) with his accent and his mad soccer skills.
°Jonathan, because he didn’t get the message THE FIRST TIME SHE SHUT HIM DOWN, sets up a makeshift fantasy suite with pillows and candles and declares he’s gonna “kiss her on the mouth”.
Cut to Jonathan – alone – in the fantasy suite.
“I don’t understand what’s wrong with her!”
“My mom says I’m good looking!”
“My love tank has not been depleted for years….we’re looking at a very large love tank.”
“I’m gonna get greedy and steal her for a second conversation….maybe I’ll entice her with candy, or puppies!”
Des is THOROUGHLY creeped out (both times he tries to kidnap her) and sends Jonathan and his love tank packing in — I kid you not — A WHITE VAN.
Cue applause from the peanut gallery and 24 guys making mental notes to not cop a feel on the first date.
And then a whole bunch of guys got roses except for the drunk ER doctor who made her rip her dress and the creepy magician and the guy who showed up in the suit of armor.
LEADERBOARD AFTER EPISODE 1 —
Family Issues Drew
Note to self: Stock up on Chardonnay and popcorn for the next 14 Monday nights, and clear the schedules of the next 14 Tuesdays.
Heerrreee we go!