Plus, since my faithful Bachelor watching partner and snarky sidekick of 11 years (what up, Husband) got fed up of me pausing the TV every three minutes to type out my notes or to ask him to repeat the hilarious reaction he’d just had, and actually walked out of the room before the roses were handed out (which violates about a billion Bachelor-watching rules), I had to put some serious thought into my plans.
But then I read a few comments about entire offices reading my recap and coming thisclose to getting fired for LOL-ing*, and heard from friends about how they’d shared it with their entire families who were all crying with laughter as they read it together over the phone** and I thought, “What kind of horrible example would I be to not only my millions*** of Bachelor watching fans, but to the ever merciful Chris Harrison as well??”*may be a slight exaggeration
And I realized that I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t persevere!
So once again, I charged up the laptop, popped a cork unscrewed a bottle of Chardonnay, popped two bags of microwave popcorn (because that’s just how I roll), adjusted my snuggie just so, and sacrificed another four hours of my night (and morning) for you, my lovely Bachelorette fans.
Oh, and don’t worry, my faithful Bachelor watching sidekick remained loyal and by my side for the duration.
I won’t tell you what he was promised.
But it wasn’t a rose.
The Bachelorette ep. 2
Once again, in note form.
Once again, because this is exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.
And once again, you are welcome.
Aerial shot of the Bachelor mansion. Same one. For ELEVEN years.
I would NOT recommend going over any inch of that place with a black light — it’d light up like a million fireflies on a moonless July night in the middle of the woods.
“Fellas” are moving in and checking it out.
“Fellas, this house gonna be alright for you?” says the casually dressed C. Hair.
That’s two “fellas” in 30 seconds.
Might have to start another tally chart.
C. Hair explains, in detail, for the 80 thousandth time, “how the dates work.”
Fellas look at him intently like this is the first time they’ve ever heard this explained.
Like there’s gonna be a quiz later.
No one expects any real brain activity out of you tonight.
But enough spoilers, let’s get right to it.
Tousled haired Brooks wins the first one on one!
Like fists-to-camera kind of pumped.
Cut to Des’s Branch Davidian Leader house.
She’s at her drafting table sketching.
Sketching a princess.
While she says, “I feel like a princess.”
I can’t wait to see what they’re gonna have her sketch after the fantasy suite dates.
And just like that, she’s off to pick up Brooks in the Baby Blue Bentley in a questionably non-descript outfit choice of a solid hot pink boyfriend tank and non-butt-bedazzled skinny jeans that looks like they came from Old Navy and plain, flat boots (Famous Footwear).
It’s as if her car is saying, “Do me — politely,” and she’s saying, “Let’s go to Chili’s for an Awesome Blossom.” (Btw, if the car was red, it’d totally be saying “Do me — aggressively”, but the Baby Blue is way too chicken).
One on One number One – Brooks
Upon closer inspection, he’s cuter than I’d thought — in a “he has vampire teeth” kind of way.
Des is gonna give him a taste of her life.
So they go visit her brother in the slammer.
No, they go to a bridal salon, of course.
Oh, goody. It’s the dress up date!
And silly Des! She puts Brooks in a Kelley Green Tuxedo!
Calls him a Leprechaun!
Goofy, playful, fun-lovin’ Des!
But then he appears in a tux and good lord he’s suddenly turned hot. White hot.
(I’ll take the Red Bentley, please.)
They walk out with Des-the-wedding-dress-designer in the ugliest dress in the store and a tacky Las Vegas veil, get back into the Bentley and, wedding veil blowing in the breeze, hit the streets to sample cake — at a wedding cake food truck, obviously.
Next we find our bride & groom hiking up a mountain to the famous HOLLYWOOD sign.
And all I’m wanting to do is straighten Brooks’ bow tie.
And run my fingers through his hair.
Sample of the inane conversation that follows on the platform that ABC has constructed, complete with Pier One pillows, set up on the “L”.
“This sign represents, I don’t know, like, everyone, like, wanting to, like, come here and pursue their dreams.” ~ Mahatma Des
“Totally.” – Brooks Ziegler
“Feel like we’re sitting on top of the world…blah blah blah…will take my chance of getting my heart broken again and again if it means love…” and a bunch of other stuff I stopped listening to while I was secretly hoping one of them would fall off the giant “L”.
They continue their “I’m ready for a relationship” talk and adorably finish each other’s sentences and before you know it she’s practically on his lap and BOOM.
FIRST KISS of the season.
Brooks – 1.
Somehow they managed to dismount the sign and are now cruising in the Bentley, top down, along the dark, deserted and dicey streets of LA.
Cue gang members and hookers cleverly planted by ABC.
Nah, but that would’ve been brilliant.
Des, with no fear, wants to move the barricades and cross it! Of course she does! She’s fun lovin’, don’t forget!
Brooks is terrified.
“No, we are not stopping.”
In related news, Brooks is a pussy.
But not to worry, Brooks! You’re not getting car-jacked on Harrison’s watch!
Des ABC has set the bridge up with a romantic dinner complete with Oriental rug and chandeliers! It’s…wait for it…AMAZING!
And now we have to hear about how in love Des’s parents are AGAIN.
Pussy boy thinks that’s AMAZING.
She asks him about his parents’ divorce and how that’s screwed him up affected his thoughts on marriage.
Cue Brooks’ eyes welling up, choked pause, and emotional confession of what his dead-beat dad taught him about marriage.
Cue Des wishing she had the fantasy suite card RIGHT NOW.
Brooks is totally IN.
Even if he wouldn’t have protected her from car jackers and hookers.
Wait! What’s that?
“Do you hear music?”
It’s Andy Grammar and his band!!
Ohhh! Of course! Some dude who’s obviously been signed by Disney or some Disney related label.
*Googling* ———— too much info. coming up…he seems legit…only finding one mention of Disney but already bored with this investigation…closing windows….
Dancing, singing, awkward spinning ensues.
Des greets the fellas in a skin tight magenta dress with tacky shoulder cut-outs and hooker heels and tells them THEY’RE GONNA BE RAPPING!
(I cannot figure that girl’s fashion sense out yet. Apparently, neither can she.)
Des can’t rap, but you know who can???
Lil’ Wayne? Sorry.
Okay, fine, I’ll tell you.
IT’S SOULJA BOY!!
Oh! Yes!! Soulja Boy! Crank Dat!
(Thank you boys-who-all-start-doing-the-move for reminding me of who the hell he is.)
I’m officially over this date before it’s begun.
But then again, my idea of an awesome rap song is Wham Rap, by Wham!, which I still proudly know every single word to.
And now, Sweet Baby Jay Z, the boys start reciting “raps” that they’re coming up with on the fly and that are worse than the poems my fourth grade students used to write.
Trust me. That’s bad.
Next comes the painful hip-hop lesson part of the date.
Seriously? NO ONE knows how to dance? Keep a beat? Show signs of even a hint of rhythm?
Token black dude??
So apparently there’s going to be a video.
And there’s a lot of costumes.
I guess this is the dress up date!
Brandon gets dressed in his.
It’s like they raided the dress up trunk at the local Malibu preschool and brought all the costumes up to the mansion.
Boys are bustin’ rhymes which are all about mocking former Bachelors.
Well done, ABC.
That’s kind of brilliant and I kind of love it.
Although I never heard one about Ben F. so I’d like to submit this for consideration:
He had dorky ass hair
that parted down the Mid-il
Fell for the bitch
That played him like a Fid-il.
I’m totally in the wrong line of work.
Solja Boy? Call me.
You know what? It’s waaay too painful to write anymore about this part of the date.
It’s filled me with rage.
Why are they all such tools?
Zak with the abs (who has laid mysteriously and uncharacteristically low tonight) gives her an antique journal that’s never been written in, except for the touching inscription in the cover from a “dad” to “his daughter”:
My Beautiful Daughter. May the words flow from your pen filled with emotions from your heart.
Des eats that shit up.
Well played, Zak.
Ben and Des talk about Brody!
He LOVES talking about him!
She LOVES hearing about him!
He talks about him all the time!
He asks if he can kiss her!
He does the Arie thing with the hand!
“Team Ben” shirts will be available on Zazzle by Friday!
Someone doesn’t like Ben.
Don’t do it!
Mikey’s trying to stir up trouble with my Ben.
Don’t do it, Mikey.
I will cut you.
Back to the mansion.
Second one-on-one date card arrives.
With the Lloyd Christmas hair.
And no, I’m not proud of that prediction and what it’s based on.
Back to dinner.
(Yes, it’s still going on.)
Brandon is telling Des about his humble upbringing and letting the family issues out of the bag.
And I do mean family issues.
All of them.
Abandonment! Addiction! Single Parent! Having to raise his younger siblings when he was but an 11 year old lad! Truancy!
Des looking increasingly terrified and disturbed.
But guess what?
Brandon CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE KIDS! HE’S GONNA BE THE BEST DAD EVER!
Des thinks he “has such a positive energy.”
If by “positive energy” she means “depress you till your ears bleed”, then yeah, I’ll buy it.
Ben gets the date rose.
One on One Date Number Two – Supercuts
Snacks at 7-11, kite flying on a 10′ beach, eating on the same side of the table, orange tre– you know what? This date didn’t get interesting until the very last second, so let’s get to it.
Not wanting to be tried for treason after Bryden’s “The military saved me after my horrible near-death car accident” talk (complete with photos!), Des gives him a rose.
And the first dip in the hot tub.
And after a few adorkably awkward hesitations, Des tells him to “just kiss her already” and God Bless America! — Bryden knows how to kiss!
Supercuts haircut — excused.
Cocktail Party – (stay with me, people, we’re nearing the end)
Des looks especially bedazzled in a forrest green number with strangely placed rhinestones all over it. It’s kind of ugly, but she looks awesome in that color so I forgive her.
She really needs to sketch some new outfits.
Here’s what we learned:
° Michael G. has Type 1 Diabetes. That’s gonna be his “thing” apparently.
° Ben has “some pair of balls” because he keeps stealing —– aw, never mind. Let’s leave it at “Ben has some pair of balls.”
° The boys are PISSED that Ben swooped in on Michael when he ALREADY HAS A ROSE, FOR HARRISON’S SAKE!
Michael didn’t even get to finish his sad Diabetes story!
NO SWOOPING, BEN! IT’S THE UNSPOKEN RULES! DOI!!
° Ben takes her to the stoop and says some corny things about kissing and oh for Pete’s sake, he’s starting to get douchey and suspicious. DAMMIT, BEN.
Hold on, I have to email Zazzle and put a hold on that t-shirt order.
° The fellas have decided to gang up on Ben.
° Ben does not care. HE’S NOT HERE FOR THEM, DAMMIT.
° Des looks pretty with her hair parted in the middle.
° Michael, apparently experiencing high blood sugar, goes all middle-school-girl on Ben and calls him out on the swooping charges. While he’s ranting, Michael suddenly grows a posse, and with the strength of the plaid shirted, apricot colored tied fellas behind him, his anger escalates and he pops a blood vessel in his forehead and passes out.
Nah, but it totally could’ve happened.
° They really hate Ben and are questioning his intentions.
As much as I hate to immediately follow the mob with my torch lit, I think my shirts (if I still order them) might now say,
Back to Des.
She’s talking with Brian (who?) whose relationship just ended TWO MONTHS ago, but you’ll never guess what, you guys! HE’S READY FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP! Duh.
Rose Ceremony –
HOLD. THE. PHONE.
I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE LATIN BECKHAM.
Whhhy no Whhhhan Pablo tonight?
Hey Mikey! is sweating.
Michael’s blood sugar plummets.
They get roses.
Some guys who I do not remember ever seeing don’t.
LEADERBOARD AFTER EPISODE 2 –
Brooooooks – my horse this week
Then we got to see the rap video.
And then I washed my eyes and ears out with Comet until they bled.
What did you think of the gansta fellas?
Do you think Brody’s Dad is there for the right reasons?
And most importantly, what size t-shirt would you like to order?
Guess where I’m going on Thursday evening??
TO THE BACHELOR CASTING here in Minneapolis!! Shut.Up. I am!!
I’m bringing my posse of hot girlfriends (to be bait, of course) and a video camera, loitering in the lobby (or the bar) and will be attempting to get interviews with the candidates.
Here’s an example of the hard-hitting questions I’ll be asking:
Will you have a safe word ready for the fantasy suite?
What are some other things I should ask them??