You guys, I’m gonna be honest.
I’ve been looking forward to this week’s The Bachelorette for like three weeks…ever since ABC duped me into thinking Des was going to get her heart broken next week….and then next week.
I’ve been going crazy with heartbreak anticipation.
In a happy turn of events, our best college friends and fellow Bachelor watchin’ family have been in town this week visiting us, so last night we had the special treat of sharing ‘Fantasy Suite’ night with them.
Oh, stop it.
You know what I mean.
We got our jammies on; doled out cups of mini M&Ms, popcorn, wine and soda; fought over the basement recliners (except for the official recapper who got her favorite spot, obviously); and with a stern warning from me about NOT TALKING WHILE DES WAS, GOD DAMMIT, it was finally time.
Finally time for some major heart-breaking.
We were so excited.
Teaching our children well, I know.
*Recapper’s note –
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.
And once again, you are welcome.
The episode opens with gorgeous aerial shots of Antigua, which contrary to how it looks on paper and how I pronounce it 100% if the time, is not pronounced An-ti-GUA.
We first spot Des riding the crystal blue waters on the bow of a yacht.
Wearing a blanket I once bought in Tijuana.
During the first six (or 186) full minutes, we’re treated to a flashback of Des’s “journey” — which is totally boring and predictable and I both start and stop counting the number of times Des says “amazing.”
Music turns very Batman-esque when we see Brian, Lloyd Christmas, Ben and James.
The bad boys.
We GET IT.
Violins swell when we’re reminded of the heartbreak of Brandon and Zak.
Then there’s Chris….and oh for cripes sakes, you know what?
Other than a standing O and slow clap when we got to see Drew’s abs in his “Mr. America” swimsuit, lets not waste any time on this never ending flashbacking…we’ve got a heart to break people.
FIRST DATE – DREW
Drew drew the long straw and gets the first Fantasy Suite date.
You know what that means, don’t you? Drew’s the first gardener, folks.
(For those of you who need me to spell it out for you –>> He gets to plant his seed first.)
Des: “Today Drew and I will be….just exploring!” Huh. Wonder if she means Antigua or his sexuality.The couple takes off in a red jeep and quickly happens upon an impromptu local celebration. And by “impromptu” I mean ABC paid local Antiguans $12 to bang on some steel drums and hold an old broom stick up.
Des: “Limbo!! What could make a day better than limbo??”
Well, since you asked…. 1. knitting a sweater for my cat 2. shopping for jeans 3. cleaning my belly button out 4. pushing my cuticles back 5. pulling the long hair clog out of my drain and watching the water swirl down once again
Moving on. Drew and Des find a hidden path that leads them to an overlook, where they stand and gaze and kiss and we hear a lot of sound bites from Drew about how hopelessly in love with her he is.
Drew: “Every time I see her I fall more and more in love with her…..she’s the woman of my dreams!”
And HE’S CRYING, you guys.
And then they sit for a bit and Drew is sitting “criss cross applesauce” and nope…
Des: “He’s the sweetest guy you’ll ever know.”
Code for >> I want him to be my gay BFF.
Now they’re kissing in the rain.
And kissing.DAMN IT, DREW. PICK A SIDE!!
The romantic beach dinner Des ABC has planned is unfortunately rained out.
STRAIGHT TO THE FANTASY SUITE!!!
Drew: “I’m on board! I don’t want to give you up! Besides — I’m first so I know you’re relatively clean and not sticky!”
Drew tells us over and over again how much he loves Des and how she’s the one and then says, “tonight is the night of all nights to show how intimate and how passionate I am for her…..I’m ready to get down on one knee…I fall more and more in love with her every day…she’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m gonna marry this woman so I will always have someone to go to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale with!”
He tells her, with absolutely no hesitation, that he loves her and that he’s looking at his future wife.
You guys, if you’ve been watching this show for any decent amount of time, you know that can only mean one thing. Drew just wrote his eulogy.
He then starts to make out with her on the bed.
Des returns his kisses, but it kind of looks like she’s just wishing she could go get FroYo and talk about Emma Stone with him instead. SECOND DATE – BROOKS When Brooks appeared with some footage of him walking…and walking…and walking…I started going on about how he was gonna be the oreo creme in the Fantasy Suite Date sandwich, but then we quickly discovered that this was no date we were about to witness. Brooks was about to stir up some (much needed) drama. Compelling! Let’s continue…
Brooks isn’t sure about the fantasy suite dates and in a COMPLETELY refreshing turn of events that proves him to be the most honest person TO EVER PLAY THIS GAME, he tells us he’s worried because he can’t really figure out if he loves Desiree or if he doesn’t love Desiree.
So he picks a daisy and starts plucking petals….
No, he flies to Boise, Idaho to get counseling from his mama and sister. ABC will spare NO EXPENSE when the possibility of heartbreak and a two-part shocking finale is concerned.
My gang has to stop and have a short discussion over the fact that last week Brooks was from Salt Lake City and this week is going to Boise. A brief internet search results in no answers, except for the factoid that Brooks is apparently a former practicing mormon.
Brooks (in voiceover): “Tomorrow I fly to Antigua to for my EXOTIC DATE with Desiree….”
Bachelor watcher to my right, through a mouthful of popcorn: “Didn’t he mean to say EROTIC?”
And I mean, listen, I admire his standards, but Brooks is really over-thinking this. He really needs to “Man Up” and play this damn game like a boss. (And apparently, we really need to stop listening to the Book of Mormon soundtrack.)
Brooks: “The thought of proposing to her makes me really uncomfortable. The question of “Do you love Desiree” — I can’t answer it.”
Sister, whose name I do not remember because she isn’t wearing her name tag this week: “At this point, you should know. You should love her.“
He ain’t feelin’ it, ya’ll.
Mother and sister then try to talk him into her.
Talk him into LIKING her.
Brooks hems and haws about how he should dump break it to Des. Obviously after the night in the Fantasy Suite, dude. Obviously. SECOND DATE – CHRIS
Des greets Chris wearing a macramed halter vest that looks like a purse I owned when I was 10.
Des has a “cool way” to explore the island!
Chris kicks himself for not having prepared a poem for this.
They soar over the transparent blue waters and end up on a deserted beach littered with dead cattle skulls.
Not really, but it wouldn’t have been surprising.
Chris and Des are enjoying mason jars filled with a bright red liquid that could only be some sort of fruity rum concoction which is apparently about 98% RUM, because Des says something about a toast which my gang cannot understand AFTER REWINDING IT OVER 8 TIMES.
Here’s what we come up with –
“I wanna eat toast.”
“I make excellent french toast.”
“I got sand in my toes.”
“We missed our boat.”
“Jamaicans eat roast.”
Des, raising her glass: “Toooo….ANTIGUA!!”
Wow. Her poetry’s really beginning to suck.
Des: “So how was it…meeting your family?”
Have another rum punch, Des.
Chris: “They loved you.” Des: “Your dad has strong hands. Is that a weird thing to say to you?”
Nah, she doesn’t say that, but you know she was thinking it.
Then they drain their drinks and make out in the ocean. This would’ve been a good time for that sharknado.
Dinner on the beach.
No rain, but a a incessant high pitched squeaking sound that is BEYOND DISTRACTING. My group cannot agree what’s causing it, but (of course) come up with some possibilities:
Rabid monkeys? Maid Cart?
Lost Tin Man?
Des, looking alert and not hungover at all from the buckets of rum punch which proves girlfriend can drink like a sailor: “Let’s talk future!”
Chris has a job in Seattle. He likes it there. It’s where he needs to be. How does Des feel about that? Des is open to Seattle….which is a good segue as she HANDS OVER THE FANTASY SUITE CARD.
Ba Dum Bum.
I’m here all week, folks. Des and Chris – Hope you’re having fun On this island so bright But use this single key If you want to get down tonight.
Chris: “I do! I want to watch the stars….no expectations….keep it simple….”
Code >> I WILL NOT MOP UP DREW’S SLOPPY SECONDS, WOMAN.
Chris appears with a poem. Swear. To. God.
“One of the best ways I’ve found to express myself to Des is through poetry.”
Chris and Des end the evening in the Hot tub, which is a smart move on Chris’s part as we all know those chemicals will kill any residue still on Des.
THIRD DATE HEARTBREAK – BROOKS
ABC is sparing no time in setting up Des’s impending heartbreak. They’ve set her down and prompted her to tell us — over and over — how she loves Brooks, when THEY KNOW WHAT IS COMING. They’re horrible, horrible people. It’s fantastic. So basically, they get Des to finally spell it out for us — despite the strong feelings she has for the other guys, her feelings for Brooks are the strongest.
In case we didn’t get it the first 287 times, SHE LOVES BROOKS.
Brooks has a sit down with Harrison.
Harrison: “Are you telling me you’re not sure or you’re not in love with this girl?”
He then suggests ‘hanging out in the fantasy suite’ and talking about his feelings.
Harrison, you mother f*cker pimp.
I’ve never loved you more.
But no, Brooks is ready to shut this shit down.
Harrison really makes him spell it out: “You’re 100% sure you’re not IN LOVE with her or you’re NEVER GOING TO BE IN LOVE with her?” and then brings up Brooks’s parents divorce and wonders if that’s possibly the reason he’s faltering.
And goes from pimp to the most cruel therapist EVER in less than 30 seconds.
Brooks says a lot more stuff that bores me and makes me realize that I’m out of wine.
Harrison twists his knife and asks him how he thinks this revelation will make Des feel.
Brooks starts to cry.
He doesn’t want to hurt Des.
You guys, I didn’t name him “Pussyboy” in episode 1 for nothing.
I’m so bored I start admiring his hair and wondering what product he uses.
I bet Drew recommended it.
And finally — finally — we get to the part of the show WHERE THE HEART GETS BROKEN.
Brooks starts the date waiting for Des under some palms and crying.
Here comes our fair bachelorette…walking down the beach….talking about how great and “stress free” her day will be.
Des: “I’m in love with Brooks and I miss him every day I’m not with him! If he proposed I’d say YES.” Mike Fleiss probably peed in excitement when they got her to say that.
Brooks needs to talk.
And she just knows.
She immediately starts to cry.
She can’t look at him.
She knows what’s coming.
Oh, yes. It’s the “It’s not you…It’s me” speech. Been there…done that.
Brooks is really selling the whole “It’s not you…” thing and damn, he’s gooood.
But he also stopped making sense like three minutes ago.
Des, in denial or THE STUPIDEST GIRL EVER TO LIVE: “So how do you really feel?”
Brooks: “I wanted to be madly in love with you…but…” Oooh. Ouch.
Des LOSES IT.
Brooks: “Please don’t cry.”
Des is CRUSHED.
SHE LOVED BROOKS THE MOST!!
AND HE DIDN’T LOVE HER BACK.
Des: “No, I can’t…..No, I can’t……Why now? Why now?”
Oh, good girl. Get pissed!!
Brooks: “I need to see it lasting after….”
Des: “And you don’t?”
Brooks: “I don’t FEEL it….” Dude. That’s harsh.
Des breaks down.
And IT’S SO SAD, YOU GUYS. THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE MOMENT I’VE WITNESSED IN 11 YEARS OF BACHELOR HISTORY. I’M USING ALL CAPS TO CONVEY THIS TO YOU.
Thing 2 is crying and clutching a pillow. Someone near me must be cutting an onion or else my eyes are really starting to become sensitive to the dander in my basement. Husband! Refill my wine! STAT!
Des: “But I love you. You’re the only one I could say that to.”
Brooks: “Whoa whoa whoa whoa WAIT. HOLD. ON. WHAT??? Why didn’t you tell me that before??? Never mind! Forget everything I just said!! Helocopter! Wine! Picnic! Key!! LET’S GO!!”
Des: “I DID! I told you I was “running”. I told you ‘FINISH LINE!’“
Brooks: “I didn’t know I was winning!! You didn’t tell me that!!”
Then they sit with their heads in their hands for about 14 hours.
OMG, YOU GUYS.
LONGEST. BREAKUP. EVER.
Des tells Brooks that for the first time in her life she was HOPEFUL.
She’s NEVER given love and felt it reciprocated (except for the past two nights in the Fantasy Suite).
It just sucks because she loves him — regardless. She loves him and she doesn’t care that he just broke her heart. She’s just gonna say it.
Des, through her tears: “I love you.” Oh, sweetheart. I see your dignity slipping as easily as you were planning your bikini was going to. Brooks walks away, crying and pacing and feeling like shit (which he should) and Des returns to her pier where she hangs her head and cries for 15 more hours.
A lone cameraman follows Des to the pier to record her heartbreak and suddenly remembers the unused Fantasy Suite key.
Camerman: “Des? Uh, Hey Des?….”
**In related news, Chris and Drew, with wrists bandaged, meet in the hotel lobby and (while consulting Pinterest) design a Des voodoo doll** So there you have it. And you know this can only end one of two ways next week. Obviously, Chris and Drew are out. And if not and she still picks one of them, they shit-sure are after watching last night’s episode. OR Brooks is comin’ back, will yell, “GOTCHA!!” and they’ll live happily ever after and have babies with pointy teeth and gorgeous hair.
That’s what I’m going with. I’m a romantic.LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 9 – Brooks (I can’t let go) Harrison
How do you think it’s gonna end?? *NO SPOILERS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GO ALL WEST VIRGINIA HOOD RAT ON YOU*
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