When we last left our fair bachelorette, she was in a fetal position on the end of a pier in Antigua, crying her eyelashes off over the abrupt departure of Brooks, her one true love.
I’ll be honest, the Things and I have spent far too many minutes the past week pondering what Des will do and just how the hell she’s gonna get herself out of this mess and save face with the other two remaining suitors, who were completely in the dark about her feelings…or lack thereof.
It’s how we bond.
And here’s the truth.
Two Four hours ago I’d have bet my whole bowl of mini M&Ms and my diabetic cat that Brooks was gonna make a last minute comeback and that he and Des would end up together.
Dammit. I really hate to lose those mini M&Ms.
So let’s get to it.
There’s three hours of crap to weed through tonight, you guys.
But don’t worry — since 98% of it was boring as all hell I’ll do my best to make this painless and get you to the end as quickly as we now know Desiree can start and stop crying.
And that’s quick.
*Recapper’s note –
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.
And once again, you are welcome.
The every dapper Chris Harrison welcomes us (and a studio audience of 120 women with curled extensions and maxi-skirts) to the night’s events by reminding us of Des’ journey and using words like shocking…compelling…dramatic…heartbreaking…devastated…and hopeless in the first minute (which are words any girl wants to hear her love life described as) and oh, good grief, I’m exhausted and refilling my wine and we haven’t even gotten out of the gate yet.
Harrison tees it up for us: “Last time we saw Des she was alone, crying on the end of a dock in Antigua…and now her story continues…”
Des is standing on some sort of patio, looking pensive in a peach silk maxi-dress with a horrible statement necklace and enough false eyelashes to make a Kardashian jealous.
But her hair looks great.
Harrison appears out of nowhere, as usual.
Harrison, taking a seat and looking concerned and very therapisty, says in a solemn voice: “How ya doin?”
Des, small, pitiful smile and totally lying: “I’m okay.”
Huh. This wasn’t the answer ABC was expecting.
Yes!! Victory!! She starts to crumble.
Eyes welling up behind some extremely effective waterproof eyeliner.
Harrison, going in for the kill: “You’re not.”
Des, now in full breakdown, hands over her face: “I’m okay when people don’t ask.”
Harrison: “I know….that’s why I asked.”
Des: “I just…*sob*…wanna go home.”
Harrison, pulling out her contract from his breast pocket: “I understand, but you see, there’s this contract here….”
Then he watches her cry for a solid 2 or 122 minutes while there’s no background music to set the mood or anyone talking and ABC is eating it up and it’s making me SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE that I don’t realize that I eat a California Roll right after a handful of mini M&Ms and practically do a spit take of the fine Chardonnay I opened for the occasion but don’t because it was like $15 so I choke down my chocolatey crab instead.
Harrison finally breaks the silence by reminding her that stopping production isn’t an option pimping out Drew and Chris, reminding her what ‘good guys’ they are.
Des agrees and tells Harrison that she “isn’t broken” and that she indeed will move forward with the last two slobs who she’s apparently been playing like a fiddle for the past nine weeks while she’s been IN LOVE WITH BROOKS and says something along the lines of, “I mean, I’ll learn to love one of them. They’re sorta okay. I mean, I do want to find someone to spend my life with. So I guess one of them will have to do.”
What a wonderful gal.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable, Drew and Chris arrive for the rose ceremony.
They look around and wonder if Brooks failed the Fantasy Suite test or if he maybe got eaten by a flying shark.
Des, through her magical non-makeup running tears, tells the boys that Brooks chose to go home and that love is a two way street and that despite how obviously DEVASTATED and HEARTBROKEN she is, she doesn’t want this to affect her relationship with them.
Really breaks down when she tells them that they can say “no” to the pity roses she’s still giving out.
“Just please…*sob*…if you don’t want to accept the rose…*sob*…let me know….so I can tie cement blocks to my ankles and jump off this pier or at the very least hook up with Harrison.”
Drew and Chris accept the roses, sealing their fates as two of the most clueless and sorry saps in America.
Meanwhile…back in the LIVE studio…it’s time for “Bachelor Nation” to chime in!
Harrison is taking a poll.
“Who here thinks Brooks will come back?”
Place goes nuts.
I stand and cheer.
Scene: Antigua. Drew’s final date chance:
We’re treated to an oddly pornographic close up of Des’ boobs in a teeny tiny blue bikini top as she pulls on a dinner napkin that she apparently thinks is a top, pairs it with some Barbie shorts and (naturally) mounts a horse to go greet Drew.
In voiceover: “I want to see how the day goes with Drew and if I can love him the way I loved Brooks.”
You are a horrible woman.
I couldn’t love you more.
Drew, for the eleventy-thousandth time, tells us that he doesn’t have “one iota of hesitation or doubt” and can’t wait to follow through with it and get down on one knee and propose.
He’s boring me already.
But since he looks like he just stepped out of a Gap catalog in his purple shorts, navy tee and light blue Sperrys, and since he always reminds me of Hermie for some happy reason, he’s forgiven.
Drew mounts up (his horse…his horse) and they proceed to trot down a path having the most awkward and forced conversation about what Drew’s been up to.
Hanging by the pool?
Hanging by the beach?
Hanging at “The Back Door” — a club I just made up in south Antigua?
No, not really. But it really wouldn’t have been surprising, would it?
In voiceover, Des realizes JUST NOW that she’s not feelin’ it with Drew.
Didn’t realize it in Munich.
Didn’t realize it watching him bond with his angel sister.
Didn’t realize it when he was feelin’ it in the Fantasy Suite.
She’s just realizing it now.
She doesn’t love Drew.
In case you’ve been in a coma for the past quarter of your life — SHE LOVES BROOKS.
Sitting on the beach, Drew makes a toast: “To being madly in love…to wanting to be nowhere else but right here…right now.”
Des looks like she’s gonna vomit.
Des: “Yeaahhh…I really need to talk to you….especially after that.”
Drew immediately looks like he’s about to stroke out.
Des immediately starts to cry.
Tells him her heart and mind are in a struggle.
Des: “I’d be so lucky to have you in my life, BUT…..I don’t know if I see our future together. If I can be 100%* for you…”
*Please note, the term “100%” will be used at least 469 more times before the never ending ending of this show.
“…When Brooks was around, I mean, I was totally ready to string you along until the end, but now? Now that I was the one who was hurt I’ve suddenly developed a conscience.”
Drew is stoic.
Holds it together well.
Hair stays perfectly gelled through it all.
Drew: “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you.”
Sobbing, I stand and wave my rainbow flag high above my head.
Because if that’s not an indication that Drew has more heart and feelings than the average fella, I don’t know what is.
Drew: “I’m crushed….I’m confused (we know, dude, we know)…I just gotta start over.”
Hey Drew! I know a tousled-haired, pointy-toothed, scruffy-faced guy who is suddenly single and who’d be perfect for you!
Chris’ final date turn for rejection:
So if you’ve been following these recaps for the past nine weeks, you know that Brooks has been at the top of my leaderboard, followed closely by Drew.
So since both of them have now bit the Bachelorette dust, I cannot imagine how poor Chris will be able to rhyme his way out of certain elimination.
Imagine my surprise when Des seems much more excited about today’s date with Chris than she was for her date with Drew.
They board a catamaran for a cruise around Antigua.
Chris immediately wins Des points when he brings up how it crushed him to see her so hurt at that rose ceremony. “I want you to know that I want to always be there for you.”
Des: “Yeah, well, you’re the last man standing so it’s not gonna be real tough to do.”
Seriously, you guys, HE DOESN’T KNOW HE’S THE ONLY ONE LEFT.
Des suddenly remembers that she likes Chris just fine.
That her feelings for him have been clouded because of her feelings for Brooks — WHO SHE LOVESD.
She’s gonna give it a go!
“Today feels like a new day…and Chris brings that out in me!”
Lots of sound bites of things she’s “been wanting from Chris” and how he’s always been so “romantic and caring and FUN” and that with Chris “she DOES know what her future would be” and “things happen for a reason” and now they’re frolicking in the ocean and kissing at sunset and OH MY GOD IS SHE GONNA PICK CHRIS AFTER PROFESSING HER HEART TO BROOKS AND UNCEREMONIOUSLY DUMPING ADORABLE DREW???
Pour me another glass of wine.
Hell, just open another bottle.
At dinner, Des falls more instantly in love with Chris and decides she wants him to meet her family.
She’s 100% certain.
Chris just so happens to have a present for Des hidden in the nightstand drawer (smooth). I’m a little worried what he’s about to pull out of there, but it’s just a journal.
That Drew tied up in raffia for him.
And it’s blank.
I was afraid it would be full of th– Oh, Christ, it is full of all of the 623 poems they’ve recited to each other over the past nine weeks.
Des, in the fastest heartbreak recovery in the history of the entire world: “I’ve never met anyone like Chris. I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I’ve loved them.”
And then she says something else I can’t understand because she’s crying so hard but I think she said she doesn’t know what love feels like or something. And she’s crying and it’s kind of heartbreaking and sweet UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT SHE’S TALKING HERSELF INTO LOVING HIM.
But I still buy it and am starting to crack and feel hopeful that she’s being honest with herself and not talking herself into him because I WANT HER TO FIND HER HAPPY ENDING, DAMMIT.
Back in the studio –
Harrison: “As you can see, Des has moved past her heartbreak to fall in love with Chris.”
Yeah, in 3.2 seconds flat.
Gets some old Bachelor peeps to comment –
Sean & Catherine give no interesting advice at all. I’m not surprised. He’s still a tool and she’s still weirdly quirky and socially awkward and they make no sense together whatsoever and once again I find myself screaming, “RUN, CATHERINE! RUN AWAY!!”
Neither do the other former contestants — her “girls” fresh from their special appearance in Portugal who despite being her ‘besties’ seem to have no clue how this whole journey is going to end for her.
Jackie: “When we talked in Portugal, we drilled her…” (yeah, you and everyone else, sister) “…and she was 100% in love with Brooks.”
But they all “hope she follows her heart” and “will support her 100%” and oh, yeah, if she dumps Chris, can they fight over him? Share him??
Meet the Family:
Here we find Des’s parents (who still look like pot smoking former hippies), and her brother, Slingblade, who is all tatooey and snarly and trying to act superior and caring and asking “the hard hitting questions” that in actuality make no sense and make him look even more like a douchewad.
Dad takes Chris away from psycho Nate (thank you Jesus) to have “the talk” that the ABC producers told him to have.
He looks like he has no clue what’s going on.
Chris sells himself to Dad.
Asks for Des’s hand, which thankfully he doesn’t do in ABAB poetic form.
He’s kind of adorable.
Her dad is adorable.
And quite possibly stoned?
Chris says “100%” 45 or 145 more times.
Des and Nate have a sit down — because THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
Let’s get the psychotic ex-con brother’s opinion but not the mother’s.
ABC is such a whore.
Des looks both terrified and pissed off at Nate at the same time.
And somewhere in America, Brooks and Drew exhale a huge sigh of relief.
THE DAY I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET HERE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY DAY:
While this could be the most anticlimactic final rose ceremony ever SEEING AS THERE IS ONLY ONE GUY LEFT, I can honestly say I have NO CLUE what is about to happen.
And you know what that means?
Most. Compelling. Finale. Ever.
Wine! More wine!
Chris meets with the embalmed yet strangely undead Neil Lane and picks a ring that my 12 year old deems, “just okay.”
Good luck with that one, future son-in-law.
Des appears on her balcony looking STUNNING in a one shouldered blush colored dress with her hair in a messy updo and, through tears, proclaims she “has no clue what she’s going to do.”
Bet that made Chris feel awesome when he watched it back.
“Chris is the man I could love for my entire life…but he doesn’t know how I felt about Brooks….and I’m so scared that once he knows the truth he’s gonna leave me for a life of Bachelor Pad or worse….Drew.”
Chris shows up ROCKIN’ THE 5 O’CLOCK SHADOW.
Thank you, Jesus.
Des is standing on the bluff waiting for him, looking like she’s gonna barf.
And you guys, what transpires over the next few minutes is — I’m just gonna say it — one of the most heartfelt and emotional proposals EVER.
After Chris pours out his heart and starts to get down on one knee, Des pulls him up and tells him she has something to say, too.
Now Chris looks like he’s
But she tells him that she was wrecked by Brooks leaving and that she realizes now (i.e., in the past 12 hours) that she was blinded by Brooks (and his hair) and that she just didn’t see what was in front of her face the whole time; that it was Chris
who was always there and who she now know she loves.
In the past 12 hours.
She’s sure of it.
And then Chris asks her to marry him in such a way that makes me misty and makes the 12yo cry and makes Husband look like it’s now his
turn to barf.
He says that this isn’t a “yes” or “no” question but a “will you share your life and your life experiences with me?” and a “will you have a family with me?” kind of a question.
And then I close my laptop and do something I haven’t done once yet this season.
I just watch.
For the last minute of the show, I just watch.
No more snark.
For now.And then as the credits roll, Des picks up a rose and tells Chris she has one thing left to ask.
“Do you mind if I call you ‘Brooks’?”
And you guys, that’s a wrap.
I’d recap After The Final Rose, but I’m all Bachelorette-ed out.
Here’s the three word version:
Des is happy.
Brooks doesn’t know.
Brooks questions Des.
Des questions Brooks.
Brooks appears gay.
Speaking of Drew.
Drew comes out.
Wait. Hold on.
Drew is there.
Des looks nervous.
Drew loves Des.
As a friend.
Drew is fine.
Will be fine.
Here comes Chris.
Kisses on Des.
Doesn’t mind Brooks.
Or being second.
They’re in love!
Moving to Seattle!
Chris has gift!
It’s a poem!
I must barf.
Meet new Bachelor!
It’s Whhan Pahhblo!
Recaps in January.
I need break.
And a nap.
Thanks for reading!