Academy Awards Recap: Awesome & Awkward


Full disclosure:

It’s 11:15 p.m. and I’ve had two large Appletinis. I’m getting punchy.

In my defense:
• Today was YMFT’s TWO YEAR BLOGIVERSARY, so obviously — Mascot Appletini.

• I re-pulled the same damn muscle in my back for the third time in two weeks and cannot bend over, cough, sneeze or laugh without pain or find a comfortable position to sleep.  Rx Appletini.

• The Academy Awards went over by 30 minutes. I started watching E’s red carpet coverage over six hours ago. And the winner of most deserved drink? Appletini.

So you see.

This year I had high hopes, and they were all pinned on this gal.

I was certain, absolutely certain, she’d knock it out of the park.
I don’t say this often, so listen closely.
I was wrong.
And I’m disappointed.
The only thing Ellen delivered tonight was pizza.
I know about 95% of the viewers will disagree with me (hell, even the people who didn’t watch probably disagree with me). I get it. Ellen can do no wrong. And I still love her madly. But I won’t be pressured into the mob mentality of that thought this time and will just say it: I thought she was just ‘meh’ as the host. *ducks to avoid hurling tomatoes*

But first things first. Let’s critique the fashion. And as a woman who has been sitting on her ass in a stretched out pair of yoga pants with dirty hair and a cardigan with a few splotches of artichoke dip on it for the past six+ hours, I’m certainly fit to judge.
Just so ya know.

Happily (and surprisingly), for the first time in a long time, I didn’t see anyone’s dress I hated. Blame the Appletinis or the euphoria of the blogiversary, but I’m feeling the love tonight.

Kristen Bell

As you know, I’m obsessed with her.
This dress is insane. She looks the very essence of a Frozen princess.

Sandra Bullock

She’s one of my best friends, did you know that?
She is. Along with Jennifer Garner and Lauren Graham. They just don’t know it, but if they did they’d totally be on board and come over to crochet and watch Friday Night Lights with me.
Anyway, Sandy (I can call her that) was looking stunning. Perfection from her hair to the color of her dress. And as long as I’m giving props to my besties…

Jen was looking insane as well.
Girlfriend cleans up well.

And then there’s these women –

Kate – I hate her. I hate her because SHE’S UNREAL and I’m jealous. That little cape thing on her dress? Swoon. And let’s hear it for flat chested girls who can rock the navel plunge without fear of a wardrobe malfunction! Right, Lupita?

Lupita – She can do no wrong. I love her. I even love her sternum. That color on her skin is divine. The headband threw me for a moment, but I forgave her because she’s ridiculous. I honestly am obsessed with this woman. Someone stage a Lupita intervention, STAT.

Cate This is how you show up to the Oscars. Glamourous, classy perfection.

Jennifer – Bold in red. Rocking a backwards necklace for the second year in a row. Tripping over her dress for the second year in a row. Unfortunately, not winning for the second year in a row (you know what I mean), but since it was Lupita who beat her I’m okay with that.

Angelina – Showing off her new rack. We get it. They’re spectacular.

Charlize Theron

This is how you do a ‘little black dress’.

Emma Watson

Well,  look who’s all grown up and looking lovely. Fellow 20-something actresses, take note.

Kerry Washington

Everyone else who is pregnant or who has ever been? Kerry Washington apologizes.
She wins.

But the winner for prettiest girl at the show?

On with the show.

So why wasn’t I feeling Ellen tonight, you ask?

• The opening. Sure, her jokes were funny and delivered in perfect Ellen style, but I was expecting and looking forward to the typical Oscars’ Best Movie mash-up, and disappointed when there wasn’t one. She’d have knocked that out of the park.

• The emceeing from the audience — all the time. It was too informal for the Oscars and too improv. I thought there were a few times she didn’t really know what she was going to say. And speaking of informal, the pizza gag was a ridiculous bit for the Oscars, not to mention they played off Oscar winners to have time for it. Congrats! You just won an Oscar! Sorry you can’t take the full 42 seconds to thank the people who helped you because Ellen needs to collect money for the pizza guy in Pharrell’s stupid hat for two minutes. Ridiculous.

Let’s get to the Awesome and Awkward, shall we? I’m fading fast and my martini glass is empty.

Awesome – Ellen’s opening navy blue tux with the floppy bow’d shirt she stole from my 1978 closet.

AwkwardThe Liza Minelli joke in the opening that was funny, but fumbled and fell flat.

Her face scared me…until I saw Kim Novak.
Awesome – Jared Leto’s acceptance speech (pass the tissues):
Awkward – This guy coming out right after and trying to milk another 4 seconds out of his role as the Grinch:
Awesome –  Front row nominees Lupita, Amy and Meryl dancing with Pharrell to his nominated song, “Happy.”

Awkward – Pharrell trying to make that stupid Duddly Do Right hat his thang.
Awesome – Sally Field’s face
Awkward – Kim Novak’s face
Awesome – P!nk’s performance of “Over the Rainbow”

Awkward – The fact that they didn’t have Liza Minelli sing it. No wait, that’s actually awesome.
Awesome – Lupita’s speech ~

“When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every little child that no matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid.”

– When the pizza man arrived immediately after and the moment was gone in a puff of pepperoni and sausage.

Awesome – Idina Menzel’s (too short) performance of “Let It Go”

Awkward – The fact that for a brief moment, we were expecting to see Adele Dazeem.

(Actually, because I loathe John Travolta, that moment was seriously Awesome.)

– Ellen in this dress
Awkward – That no matter how many times I clicked my heels together, the show still ran over by half an hour.

Awkward – Leo losing…again

Awesome – This rant about Leo’s bad luck by my still loopy daughter last summer after she got her wisdom teeth out. Stick with it, it gets really funny at about the one minute mark. And wait for the end when she suddenly turns on him.

That’ll do it for this year.
Award’s season — out.


  1. The Dose of Reality on March 3, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I love Ellen, so I thought she was great. But the bottom line is that the show is TOO.DAMN.LONG. There are AT LEAST 8 categories they need to cut. The reason that the Golden Globes are so awesome is because the stuff you see is what you want to see. No offense to Hollywood, but regular people do not care about sound mixing. I have ranted about this on our blog before in a long open letter to the academy, so I won’t rewrite it here in your comments! 😉 I thought the dresses were mostly fabulous, too!-Ashley

    • Michelle on March 3, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      Oh, I love her too! But I love my daughters and even they aren’t ‘on’ all the time. Now let’s sit back and see which one of them reads this, shall we??

  2. Karen Hawkins on March 3, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Love your recap…although I did not like Jennifer G or Angelina’s dresses…not very flattering, colourless…But great hair and makeup! Jennifer’s looks like something a young teen would wear…(sorry I know she is your bestie) Great tweets last night.

    • Michelle on March 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Thank you! I didn’t like Angelina’s dress from afar (and I’m not a fan of hers) but when she was up on stage presenting I thought it was gorgeous. It was too sheer over the boobs, thought. And Jennifer Garner’s was fab when she was walking and all the fringe was swinging, I thought. But yeah, standing still it doesn’t do much.

    • Karen Hawkins on March 3, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      Ah there is my problem…I fell asleep before Angelina and Jen were on stage…:)

  3. Teri on March 3, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    LMAO NOOOO his movies SUCK now. I’m cracking up

  4. VITA Train for Life on March 4, 2014 at 12:54 am

    They should have let Kim Novack emcee. She was such a train wreck but I wanted to see what she was going to say or do next!! I love the line about her not singing “Over the Rainbow!” Yep.

  5. Kim Turner on March 4, 2014 at 2:02 am

    I didn’t watch the show and now I don’t even feel like I missed out thanks to your recap!
    The best part of this – watching your daughter’s video – that was funny!!! I couldn’t understand anything but she sure was passionate about it!!!

  6. Debbie on March 4, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Funny! Loved this. I didn’t watch the show. I think I have enjoyed all the recaps in the blogging world much more than I would have enjoyed the show anyway!

  7. Darcy Perdu on March 5, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    HA! I agree with ALL of your observations! Prettiest girl — definitely Jared Leto! And I love all your Awkwards & Awesomes! So funny!

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