“Ees Okay.”

I have breaking news that some of you might need to sit down for.

Wait. Grab a beverage and then sit down for. It will ease the pain.

But before I tell you, I just want you all to know one very important thing:

You guys, after much contemplative introspection (just go with it) I’ve decided not to recap The Bachelorette.

I know, I know, I know. How can you do this to me? you’re probably screaming as you seriously consider throwing your beverage in my face (but if it’s an Appletini, go right ahead).

Listen, here’s the thing. You know how much I love The Bachelor. And you know that the #1 reason I love The Bachelor is because I love to ridicule the bachelor…and all the contestants. I’m just nice that way.

But The Bachelorette? Not so much.

Sure, I recapped all of Des’s season last year (and FYI – you can catch up on all my recaps of both Des’s and Juan Pablo’s season by clicking the ‘recaps’ link up on the top menu bar) but it became a bore to watch, and a chore to write. Well, until Brooks pulled the whole you don’t love me so I’m leaving….wait, YOU LOVE ME?? thing and drove Des into Chris’ arms in the final moments. That was fabulous. But up until then?

Let me present my case:

• I’m not really a fan of Andi, the new Bachelorette. And while I know that fact alone would make for potentially fabulous snarkery, I’m not sure I have an eternity of 10 weeks of it in me.
• The Bachelorette isn’t nearly as entertaining as The Bachelor. It’s true. Girls are just more fun to rip on than guys. Sure, the guys are more fun to look at, but they’re not nearly as entertaining…and easy to write about .
• The next few Mondays (and by that I mean the next 10) I’m busy. (See below bullet points)
• The Bachelorette takes place in the summertime — the season I endure seven months of hellish cold to enjoy. I spend every evening outside on my deck or dock until the sun sets around 9:30 p.m. and truly don’t watch much TV. Believe me, I squeeze every minute of summer out of this state to be able to continue the rocky relationship I have with it for my kids, who somehow don’t find “the weather sucks” as an acceptable reason for moving across the country.
• My daughter will move away from home in three months. THREE MONTHS. So selfishly, for the next 9 or 10 Monday nights and Tuesday mornings (when I typically spend about three hours writing a Bachelor recap), I want to spend them with her. And even if I’m not spending them with her, I want to leave the possibility of it open. You know, be able to have a bonfire on a lovely Monday night or go for a run together on a Tuesday morning without having the lame excuse of, sorry, child of mine who is leaving in two months, but I have to watch and write about these stupid and horribly superficial people instead. 

C’mon. After reading that last point, you’re feeling pretty bad for all the horrible thoughts you were having of me for opting out, amiright?

And also, since I know you know I won’t be giving up TV entirely this summer, I think the order of my priorities is now clear:

1. Any show I’m recapping for EW.com (because EW dot freakin’ com)
2. The Bachelor – regardless of if I’m recapping or not (because duh…and because thankfully it airs in the dark, cold, soulless winter months)
3. My family
4. The Bachelorette

I love and appreciate all of you who read and enjoy the recaps — and tell me how much you enjoy them — you know I do. And I’m sorry to those of you who were looking forward to following along (starting) next week. But you guys, I just can’t justify giving that much time to this show at this point in my family’s life. Not that Thing 1 and I won’t be watching occasionally (it does rain a lot in the summer, and watching and ridiculing The Bachelorette is a fabulous form of togetherness). When we do, I’m sure I won’t be able to contain my ridicule, if not in full recap form, at least in a doctored up screenshot or two. I mean, I’m not a robot for christsakes.

And don’t worry, of course I’ll be recapping The Bachelor in the fall (see: list of priorities).
I hope you’ll forgive me for this. 
Take a big drink…relax…and remember:

Ees OKAY. 

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If you’re hungry for a recap, EW.com not only has a blow-by-blow account (no pun intented) after each episode, but Chris Harrison also recaps each episode on EW’s Popwatch blog, and he’s extremely candid and pretty funny about behind-the-scenes stuff. I never miss it.

Oh, and speaking of EW (nice segue) – catch my latest posts on “The Community” – my piece on Parenthood‘s uncertain fate (it has since been renewed for a final season) and Sunday night’s Nurse Jackie recap.