Academy Awards 2015 – Awesome and Awkward

Academy_Awards_2015

Well, folks, another year is in the books and I’m as disappointed in myself as I am—once again—in parts of the show. (It’s okay, NPH won’t see this.)

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Why so hard on myself?

Because it’s 11:00 p.m. and I’ve only had one measly glass of wine since sitting down to watch these never ending festivities six loooong hours ago.

It’s a wonder I’m still alive.

Before you get worried about me, let me explain the absence of my traditional Oscar Appletini.
Or tinis

One word: parenting.
Actually, two words: responsible parenting. 

Why start now, you ask?
Shut up.

Since my husband is on a business trip and I’m the only adult in the house I figure I should probably keep my wits about me in case of emergency.
Like a mama who chooses to watch six hours of mind numbing television stone cold sober?
While that does seem cause for emergency, no.
I mean in case — God forbid — I need to drive someone somewhere.
You guys, I’m way more responsible than I make myself out to be you think I am.
Don’t tell.

But like I said, I’m not only disappointed in myself, I’m also — again — a bit disappointed in the telecast.

NPH disappointed
Don’t worry, NPH, I don’t blame you. I’d never blame you. I mean, I cannot imagine that after going on record as saying this year’s show would be “classy” and “respectful” to the year in movies, that you’d make the choice to appear onstage—AT THE ACADEMY EFFING AWARDS—bulge on display, with nipples erect.

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No, I blame Michael Keaton.
Or “Birdman.”
I’m sorry, I mean, “Birdman: The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance.”
I didn’t see it, but apparently the naked-on-stage thing is a bit from the movie. I guess being basically naked on stage screamed “Oscar” more than any other moment they could have chosen.

facepalm
But other than that terrible tasteless Oscar moment (and a handful of groan-worthy quips), NPH was a fine host.
I was just hoping for full on legendary.


Let’s break down some of the awesome and awkward moments that made me wish I was tipping back a glass filled with something stronger than water right now, shall we?

Awesome: JLo’s gorgeous dress.

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Awkward: The fact that it practically suffocated the person she was sitting next to.

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(But kind of awesome that I called it long before the show started.)


Awesome:
NPH’s snazzy opening number, which combined movie screen magic, Anna Kendrick as Cinderella, Jack Black as Dewey Finn (and as Jack Black), and fabulously clever lyrics like “Magic Meryl effin’ Streep.”

Awkward: Following it with an overtired Oprah joke about how she has a lot of money … and her not playing along.


Awesome: JK Simmons telling people to call their parents on the phone to tell them they love them.

Awkward: Me letting my daughter’s call go to voicemail while I live-tweeted the show.


Awesome: NPH’s introduction of Dakota Johnson as the reason you had to explain to your grandmother what a spanking bench was.

Awkward: Dakota Johnson.


Awesome: Shirley MacLaine at 80 years old.

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Awkward: The fact that I thought Shirley MacLaine was dead.


Awesome: Andy Samberg rapping with the Awesome Possum singing the “Everything is Awesome” song from The Lego Movie.

Awkward: Andy Samberg rapping with the Awesome Possum singing the “Everything is Awesome” song from The Lego Movie.

 
Awesome: Documentary Short Subject winners’ husbands capturing their wives’ big moment with their camera phones.

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Awkward: NPH making fun of winner Dana Perry’s dress (“It takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that”) right after she’d dedicated her award to her son who committed suicide.

 

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I mean, he was right, but still.


Awkward: Patricia Arquette’s messy, I-don’t-give-a-fuck hair.

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Awesome: Jared Leto’s messy, I-don’t-give-a-fuck hair.

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Awesome: Idina Menzel acting like she’s forgiven Travolta but how you could tell she hates him with the buring force of a thousand suns.

Awkward: Him grabbing her chin and making an ass out of himself yet again.
Oh, and his ridiculous Ken doll hairpiece and ginormous doofy silver chain instead of a tie.

Go away. You're stupid.

Go away. You’re stupid.

 

Awesome: Lady Gaga being a surprisingly unbelievable Maria Von Trapp and singing the hell out of the songs from The Sound of Music.

More Awesome: Julie Andrews giving Gaga mad props.

Extra mega-Awesome: Julie Andrews.


Awkward: Patricia Arquette’s acceptance speech turning into a rally for equal rights and pay for women.

Awesome: Meryl Streep giving her an out of character, standing, “You go, girl!” from the audience.


Awesome: Julianne Moore’s lovely dress.

Awkward: Matthew McConoughey’s serial killer beard.


Awkward: The long running bit about NPH’s Oscar predictions locked inside that box that Octavia Spencer had to keep watch over.

Awesome: When his predictions revealed details from the show that he in no way could have predicted days ago.
Seriously. how the hell did they do that? 



All Awesome, no awkward:
•Graham Moore’s acceptance speech encouraging our youth to “stay weird, stay different.”
•Tim McGraw singing Glenn Campbell’s song he wrote to his family after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s

 

That’s it.
Show’s over folks.
Try your best to get the image of NPH’s erect nipples out of your mind and let’s call it good for another year.

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2 Comments

  1. Jackie Owen on February 23, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Awesome….Channing Tatum!! Awkward…no George Clooney or Brangelina!!! What’s up with that?

  2. Nikki on February 24, 2015 at 6:36 am

    You.Nailed.It!

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